[shezbut]

I get so sad when I think about the end of my marriage with Eric. 19 years together, 16 of them married, holy smokes! We have days where I feel a sexual & emotional attraction towards him, and it appears to be mutual. (We haven't ever done anything in those times though.)

At the same time, I'm in a romantic relationship with another Eric. Strong, very passionate times together. Makes me wonder if I'm transposing my feelings of ex-hub onto my current boyfriend.

When the reality of our divorce soon becoming finalized comes into my mind, I'm overcome with feelings of sadness and hopelessness. A loss of faith in marriage and any true love. There can be no such thing. Surrounding us in current times are more than 1/2 of marriages not making it. Many not making it very far at all. It is SO depressing! A feeling of sad bitterness gnaws at me inside.

Whenever I think of my ex-hub, I have to remind myself just how much we have changed throughout these years. Especially the last 5 years. I can't see us ever being able to work through strong conflicts. He's not one to work through his emotions. My borderline personality, epilepsy and brain injury are realities I cannot change. I am always working on being as strong and as good as I can be. But my realistic aims aren't good enough for my ex. I work hard to be the best mommy I can be, but that isn't good enough either. That's a fact that I will continue to struggle with and hopefully someday come to terms with.

Those realities are just too hard for ex and I to ever overcome. Why do I feel like this? Why can't I simply accept reality and finally move on with my life? Will I always feel hopeless at the thought of love? I don't want to feel this way....it hurts too much!

Shez

[perpetuallysad]

Oh that is hard! I think its great that you are willing to think about it. I've not been in a relationship that long, but I have had 2 long term relationships (before my current marriage) and I tend to cut off all emotion when I decide its over. As sad as it is, I think its healthy to feel the loss. I'm sorry that your ex wasn't more accepting of you as you are. Maybe still feeling tender towards him will help with your relationship after the marriage though. You will still have to raise kids together and being able to feel is going to help that, I am sure.

[50guy]

Failure is one of the most difficult things to accept. 19 years is a long time to be with someone and then just cut it off. The feelings of remorse, sadness and rejection are strong. Everyone wants to be accepted. My opinion is that many of the marriages can be saved if each one is committed to it. There are many phases of marriage, first is the lust and sexual satisfaction stage, then the family stage, kids growing up and business with carrers, rare times to be together, etc. Then comes the empty nest stage, one day it's you and your partner....now what? I think people need to find a mutual interest, remember what first attracted you to each other. Try dating each other again. My wife and I meet for dinner sometimes, or go dancing at the club in town. We sometimes act like we don't know each other. We are having a ball doing all kinds of stuff. We have grown in more ways than one but, the most important thing is we have done it together. 37 Years and still going strong.

We don't plan on giving up but, I can say it has not been easy and anything worth having is not easy

Good luck in the future,

Eric

[shezbut]

Thank you for sharing your perspective Eric.

The fact is that we aren't the same people that we once were. Physical changes within my brain intensified personality characteristics. Seemingly, all negative aspects of myself. I cannot emotionally handle playing a primary role in my 2 young daughters (aged 7 and 5). I wish that I could handle it! Unfortunately, this quality is very common for others with tbi's (traumatic brain injuries).

These facts are unavoidable. I tried to repress my negative emotions for a couple of years. Tried to work through these things for many years, and it's just too much. I cannot blame Eric for stepping back. I presume that everyone would have done the same thing. Just a sad fact of life

Hopefully, Eric and our daughters lives will improve and they'll be happy. Maybe I'll become generally happy some day.

[VickiesPath]

I know that it's hard not to think as divorce as failure. And, of course, I'm going to be the one to pop up and tell you that you don't have to think of it as a failure. That's what I was told by therapists and lots of well-meaning people and counselors (ministers) each time I divorced......each THREE times I divorced.

I know as well as anyone that those words don't take away the feeling of failure and the pain of trauma and the overall difficulty with turning your world upside down along with the new definition of being "DIVORCED" and somebody's "EX-WIFE". Well-meaning people can tell you that the world won't judge you but you FEEL judged by yourself and you FEEL like a failure at least a little bit.

I agree with Perpetuallysad. Feel your loss. My divorces were relatively easy for me. At least, I remember them that way. In later years, I have wondered why they seemed so easy. I think I now know why. One reason was because I was becoming so emotionally hurt while still in the marriage that I was doing my PTSD thing and going numb so when the final part of the marriage and the actual divorce came, I didn't feel a lot of it. Plus, I was involved in the legal system in Kansas where I lived and actually wrote, filed and processed the divorces in front of the judges myself in court. No attorney fees. The husbands were involved, of course, but in the end, all I wanted was out of the marriage and on retrospect, I actually did not do myself any favors financially. But the emotional part was delayed and I fell apart later. There are good parts and bad parts to that.

The reason I wrote this post in response to yours in the first place was to make a point and this is it. Taking in what you've said and understanding everything you've been through and the horrible and unfortunate things that have happened to you with your injuries, etc., then taking into consideration what Eric had to say about his 37 year marriage, I wanted to comment upon something.

One time someone asked why are people getting so many divorces. My response was because they can. One of my coworkers turned around and asked me to repeat that. He is a Mennonite and very devoted to his marriage. I said people get divorces because they can. He knew I had been married several times and was curious about my answer. I said imagine our world seventy or eighty years ago, when divorce was not socially acceptable except in extreme circumstances. Once a couple got married, they stayed married through all kinds of changes, happy, not happy, mental illness, cheating, jail, alcoholism, bankruptcy, brain injury, sick children, no children, anything and everything regardless. If you suddenly woke up one day at age 46 and realized that the person lying next to you was a stranger, what choices did you have? You dealt with it. That was life then.

Today, you throw it out and get a new one. I have done that. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I am very, very lucky. What I have now is not bad after everything I've been through.

This has been long and boring but thank for reading if you've gone this far.

[shezbut]

Thank you for posting, Vickie in Phoenix.

It is nice to hear your perspective. Just because marriages in the past made it through such horrendous times doesn't mean those people were happier ~ true. Perhaps they felt more trapped, since it wasn't socially or religiously acceptable to end their marriage.

Letting myself feel the pain isn't as easy as it sounds. I've fought major depression for many years. There's a fine line between major depression and suicidal idealization. I end up avoiding more stress and depression. I do have some helpful techniques of working through the stress ~ but they only help in the moment. Keeping busy then leads to avoidance. Am I making sense? I hope so!

[VickiesPath]

You are very gracious about my posting. I can truly see your dilemma. I guess what I should have emphasized more clearly in my post was that in my particular situations, I had no cause compared to yours with which to struggle. You, indeed, have serious issues involved.

Years ago, one of my mother's sisters was divorced. No one spoke of it very often. It occurred in the 1950's. The reason was similar to yours in that her husband was on the state police force and in a struggle with a prisoner, was struck on the head with a gun. After that, he was never quite the same. His behavior drastically changed and he became involved in illegal activities and after she asked him to leave their home, broke in and threatened her with a gun. She had him arrested and divorced him. This was a big scandle in their small town.

Please know that I am in no way unsympathetic to your situation. It must be heartbreaking especially with your daughters to consider.

Hugs

[bipolarbearV]

Please don't feel like a failure. Marriage used to be a two way street and at divorce time it is usually. Both sides make mistakes. So accept your mistakes and make note of his but don't dwell on his or you will stay in misery.

I agree with the poster who said that 50 years ago people stayed in marriages because they HAD to. It's sad now that we get divorces like we discard used tissues. However, to those suffering from physical, emotional, sexual, financial and in-law abuse it is better to exit the marriage. IMHO. Trying to bring change thru marriage counseling I don't think, works too well. How many alcoholics really do stay sober and for how long? You could always get separated or divorced from a bad alcoholic but you could also get back with him/her if they ever got sober for a long time. Much better for the kids.

I was married for 29 years and we had 2 sons. We;ve been divorced for 10 years. I hate him at this point but I will also never in a way, stop loving him. He was my first love and I do have happy memories of us and the boys. But I hope you get to feeling anybody who's down.

bipolarbearV Look for the Laughter!