if it was my idea to seperate, why am i so unhappy?

so i reexplained to my dh that i was having problems with our marriage. we've been having more issues for the last seven months. we are both on meds, mine seem to be working, his, well i can't tell. the last several months i have tried talking to him about his emotional distance and my need for support. so far he has just said he doesn't know how to fix it or if it will get better. the last month or so i've been pulling away. i used to look forward to seeing him every day when we got back from work. now i travel for work and look forward to leaving bc being at home is uncomfortable. i still care about him, but i'm not sure if it is love anymore. yesterday i told him that i wasn't happy and i don't know what to do about it. i started crying bc it hurt to think that it might be over. he just sat there. he said he didn't want it to be over, but neither of us know how to fix it. if he had responded a few months ago when things were only kind of off.... it wasn't until after i told him and broke down that i wanted to hug him or be hugged by him and of course how he doesn't want to touch me. i get that he's mad I didn't "tell him" sooner, but i thought i did, i thought it was loud and clear that something was wrong. i though everything i've told him the last 3 months about things breaking down was enough... i'm just so frustrated. i don't even know if i want it to work.. but a part of me is still terrified if it doesn't. he doesn't want me to leave, or so he says, but he never even said that he loves me as to why i shouldn't.
do all marriages go through this kind of stuff? does group therapy work better than couple? is this till fallout from him being deployed?

That's why you're unhappy. It hurts! You have invested yourself in this man and now you have to take that back so you're "whole"/alone again and find someone else. Whether or not he's responsive, he's familiar and as uncomfortable as the situation is it's "easy" because you know how to deal with it. But you've decided you want to get up out of the easy chair in front of the TV and go "do" something, go jogging :-) and that takes a different energy and practice and is scary and not something we've done lately, etc.

I'm not married, so take it for what it's worth. Marriages, relationships do have there ups and downs - as you already know. Are you interested in couple's therapy? It may help you talk about what needs to be talked about, in a supportive environment.

thank you perna. sometimes it takes someone else showing you what you already know to really see it. we did couples therapy for a few months, but he never seemed to take it seriously. i told him as much yesterday as well. he said we could try it again, but based on past history, if I don't set it up then it won't happen. that's part of what i've been struggling with. i don't want to be the only one responsible for our relationship. we've had our ups and downs, but this is the first time the connection i felt for him is gone.

I do belive that all marriages/long term relationships go through this...and not just once or twice....but consistenly. It takes a lot of work, a lot of pride swallowing and a lot of forgiveness and compromise. Relationships are a lot of work, but if you really love....well...you do what you have to do and hopefully learn how to make each other happy and secure during the journey.

Anything worth having doesn't come easy.

Best wishes for you both.

I noticed you wrote that he was "Deployed". How long since he has been deployed and where was he deployed from?

If he was in a war zone of any kind, often we find that the only way for the soldiers to survive is to withdraw; this could be happening to your husband and he may be suffering from PTSD as well as depression as well as some other issues.

If this is the case then he needs a therapist to work through these things with him,

Rhiannon

He just came back in Feb and there is almost nothing I would like more than to write this off as PTSD or some trauma from being over seas. Unfortunately he never left the base, he said how bored he was over there and how he wishes he saw some 'action.' I'm still trying.. and I don't know how long I will try. He doesn't want the separation. Honestly I don't know if being together right now will help or hurt things.

oh and he's the only one who can get him therapy appointments.. and he won't/hasn't

Maybe he is depressed because he hasn't seen any action? If he feels that he did nothing to contribute he could be hiding a lot more than just his emotions toward marriage.

Maybe asking someone who has been over there could give you some insight into behaviours that you are seeing or not seeing from your husband. He could be very chronically depressed and feel like a failure because he didn't do what he hoped to while he was over there? I am not judging him as that please don't think that at all
I just think that when I've not completed something that I was ready to do I get the feeling that I have failed. It's possible that he feels that way because of his reaction and his inability to show interest in anything?

Hope you get this sorted out...it is possible that you really don't want to be seperated but you just don't know which way to turn or what to do...

Rhiannon

that very well could be it. he did want to see action in the field and he wants to see action now at home. i'm not up for it. i still vaguely want to cuddle and hug, but anything more than that just doesn't feel right. i'd blame it on the meds, but i have interest, just not in him. when we try to have conversations he just makes jokes. sure it gets me to laugh but nothing gets resolved.

The issue seems to be how to get your husband to show he is sincere in wanting to save the marriage. Perhaps you can give him a list of things that he could do to show his sincerity -- like seeing a therapist; not using humor to avoid serious talk; and telling you what is bothering him.

If he is not going to be an active participant in saving the marriage, there is a problem.