[nkuhn]

Hello, my name is Nick and I am new to the forum. I will warn you I am about to write a novel so be prepared to read. I feel that you can get a better understanding in my situation if we start from the beginning.

I met my current wife a few years ago. We had both came out of ugly break-ups and found alot of comfort in each other. She was still young and had lived a "party" life full of drinking and promiscuous behavior that she was very open about and explained before we got too involved. I on the other hand had spent all of my teen days working and helped support my family. Despite her history and past, I fell in love with her deeply. It seemed that even at our age we both wanted to settle down and live a normal life and she wanted a second chance in life. She also explained she was on medication for mental health issues. We were together for a few months and everything was perfect. I made a few mistakes in the beginning and talked to my ex's and know I hurt her dearly. She had many issues and began this roller coaster effect where I could tell she would be fine one day and depressed the next. At this point she had taken herself off of her meds. Her problems affected her in school and eventually one day she decided on the way to school that she wanted to kill herself. Before she made any mistakes she called me and said she needed help and to come get her before she did something stupid. I picked her up and took her to her doctor immediately. Her stepfather met me there and after she talked to her doctor the doctor informed us she reccommended her to be admitted for a week for observation and re-medication. She was locked inside of a mental health facility for a week. During her stay we wrote back and forth and I really felt she was getting help although it killed me she had to be in such a place. After she was released she came home and me and her spent every waking moment together. I felt I had seen her in such a long time. She was very pleasant and caring and I seen the same girl I fell in love with. A few months later we found out she was pregnant. Immediately her OB/GYN took her off of her medication due to the pregnancy. It was a risky pregnancy anyways because she had a still-born the year before when she was with her last boyfriend. After being off of her meds for a while she started acting odd again. Then one day she just dissapeared. She had lied to me and her mom about where she was and I eventually found out she had went to stay in another town with a guy she had just met. We overcame this obstacle and I just wrote it off as a symptom of her mental health issue. The pregnancy went well and we have now a beautiful 17 month old baby boy!...after the baby was born our relationship was great. We worked together raising our newborn and I felt like life couldnt get any better. When our son was very young I was invited to a Nascar race and wanted to go. She originally told me to go ahead and go, but then last minute before we left she was very angry and felt like I was abandoning her and my son. I ended up going. After I came home we fought about it for a few days and eventually overcame this problem too. A few weeks later she asked if she could go to the beach with her friend to drop her friend's cousin off (she had been staying in our area and needed a ride home). As unhappy as I was about the last minute trip I told her to go. The day she came home her and her friend drove overnight and was very tired. They could only make it within 2 hours of here before stopping and wanted me to come with a friend to drive her home and her friends car home. We went and picked them up, she came home, and everything was ok. A month or so down the road I took her to a Cincinatti Reds game and to the Newport Aquarium just to get out of town. On this trip I found text messages between her and my friend that set with me uneasy. I questioned her about them and she admitted when she went to the beach that she actually went to meet him there and they hung out. She claims they only kissed and held hands but he tells a different story. So, once again, I wrote it off as being a symptom of her mental illness that she still wouldnt medicate herself for. We overcame this issue and decided to get married months later. We had a beautiful wedding and again I felt like we were on top of the world. After being married for a while I found out she had been talking to my friend she went to the beach with. I was very upset, angry, and most of all hurt...Once again...we overcame it...about 2 months ago I suspected her of lying about talking to someone else and found out she had been talking to ANOTHER one of my friends and meeting him. This friend just so happened to be old enough to be hers or my dad! ONCE AGAIN, we overcame it and everything was ok. Weeks ago she asked me for a "girls night" and came to my work to get money and took our baby to her mom. She disappeared until late into the night and when she came home she was very strange and distant. I knew in my gut something was up so I checked through her phone and found she had been talking to another not-so-close friend of mine. I woke her up and questioned her and she admitted she went to hang out with him all night and had done so a few times that week. She claimed again that they only kissed. So, ONCE AGAIN we worked through it and I felt everything was ok. Then last week rollls around. Her best friend was getting married and she was in the wedding. Ironically the last guy she was with was in the wedding as well. To elude conflict I didnt go out of respect for her friends and mine to avoid a conflict. After the wedding she asked if she could party at the newlywed's house. As unhappy as I was I told her to go ahead but just to check in with me and let me know she was ok. I couldnt get ahold of her most of the night and finally found her at taco bell with a car load of random drunk guys she barely knew. I told her to come with me and she refused. I followed them back to her friend's house where then again she refused to come home. I threatened to leave her if she didnt go with me and eventually she caved in and went home with me. The next day she informed me she was going with her friends who just got married and a couple guys to a baseball game in Pittsburg. Being that we just went through this situation I was unhappy and spoke my mind. She decided to go anyways. She made it less than 20 mins away and for some reason decided to not go and made me come get her. We went home, crawled into bed with our son, and pretended like nothing happened. The next day she asked if I would take her and our son to the zoo since she didnt get to go out of town and it would be fun for everyone. I cancelled work for the next day and took them 4 hours away to the zoo and to get a nice dinner. The trip went very well and we got along like best friends. We came home that night, made love, and fell asleep peacefully. The next day I left for work and she left about the same time I did. She said she was taking our friend Nate (the one who just married her best friend) to register for classes at the college (this was very common and she always helps him with school things). I went to go pick up material for a job and passed her in town. She was with our son, nate, and a guy who was younger than me in school. This guy was sitting in the front seat next to her. *(this also is the guy who was with her at taco bell and was going on the pittsburg trip)*. I stopped to talk to her and she had a horrible attitude and felt like I was accusing her of doing something wrong. We got in a huge fight and my anger got the best of me and I punched her car while our son was in it. I felt like a total idiot afterwards and after that I willingly started in an anger managment counseling session. She didnt come home that night. Her and the baby stayed at her friends house. Since then she has been begging me for a divorce and says she hates my guts. She also admits openly to sleeping with this new guy (who she has known for less than 2 weeks). She then said her and this guy were going out of town with our kid. Of course I objected and told her if she was leaving that I would take the baby. She refused. She wouldnt have a reasonable conversation with me at all. Her parents decided to go out of town on vacation the same weekend and suggested taking our son so that we wouldnt fight in front of him. After they were there for a day or so she said she was depressed and wanted to go down to see her parents and our son. Both of our cars were not trip-worthy and she couldnt find a vehicle to take. Her sister has a nicer car and offered to let her use it if she could use mine. I let her sister take my car and she took her sisters to Pigeon Forge. I paid for her gas and even gave her gas/food money for the trip. It wasnt until she got there did I find out that her new boyfriend was there as well. She claimed his family was on vacation there too and it was a coincidence. She used the excuse that she was going to see our son in Tennessee and she barely got home to the hotel before 4am every day. When they came back I got my son and seriously considered filing for temporary emergency custody and divorce. She still to this day has NO reasonable conversations with me unless she wants something. She has asked me to pay for some bills she owes at college, pay for a new cell phone, and pay on her American Eagle credit card. I am still debating about paying it today. When I do see her she isnt the same person. I see in her eyes that she is crying for help and the words coming out of her mouth just seem like someone else is saying them. She has literally looked at me and said she hates me and is disgusted by me.

I have begged her before we file for divorce to please go to counseling with me and demanded she get mental health help or I would temporarily take our son. I couldnt live with myself if something happened to him. She has him around guys she barely knows and if something were to happen to him it would kill me. She refuses any kind of treatment or to go to counseling with me.

She called me yesterday at work and asked if I would come get her and take her to look for a new car. I did and helped her pick one out her parents want to buy her. She was fine the whole time we hung out but then once I dropped her off it was like she hated me again.

Today she hinted around she needed help on a school paper ( I have always helped her with school papers in the past ). She dropped our son off earlier where I greated her with roses and a smile. I ended up writing the whole thing for her and she said she would come by and read it and hang out and talk. After the paper was done and turned in online she said she couldnt come over because she was too tired and that she was crashing at her girlfriends house. My curiosity got the best of me and I checked and she wasnt there. I called her and asked her where she was at and I was met with alot of curse words and ill feelings and told it was none of my business. I asked if she was at her new boyfriends and she said hell no he was busy tonight. You best believe my gut told me to check and sure enough her car is parked there right now.

She claims I brought all of this on myself by working tooooo much. I do work long hard hours. I am an electrician and work as many hours as daylight will allow. We also just started last week on our new house I was building for our family. So my schedule has been hectic. But she doesnt work. She goes to nursing school and raises our son (which I undersatand is like a full time job) but she doenst hesitate to spend money or overspend on certain items...and we had talked right before we got marriend and understood the first 3-4 years of our marriage would be chaos and suck. . but at the time we both agreed it would make the best life for our son and our family.

So, I am fed up. I have tried being nice. I have tried being mean. I have tried giving her space and ignoring her. Nothing seems to work. She needs help and needs it soon. My head tells me to run and take our son...but there are some issues with that. I feel guilty ripping a child from its mother anyways but especially with her last birth ending the way it did I would feel even worse.

My heart tells me she needs help and even though she has blatantly destroyed our marriage with no remourse I still married her because I love her and promised to be there for her through thick and thin. So I am battling in my head if I am doing the right thing or I should leave?

Supposedly she has a doc appt monday morning ( I demanded if she wants our son alone ) . We havent filed any divorce or seperation papers until we find out what is going on. I dont want to pay all of this money just to get divorced when counseling and meds may fix her.

I love her whole heartedly and feel so wrong filing for divorce and feel she could be better if she got help.. But like I said earlier she is refusing....So how do you help a person who wont even accept that they are having an issue?

I believe she was diagnosed with depression when she went to the hospital but I also believe she was borderline Bi-Polar just because of her actions and decisions she has mad...

So my question is do I stick it out or do I run while I can?

Thanks, and I apprecaite your time...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Nick,

Wow you really do have a lot on your plate. You've given in and "got over" much more than any other man would. If you love her and think there is a good possibility to change then I'd say go ahead.

However, honestly I think she is using you only when she wants something, which is totally obvious. She travells everywhere to be with "the guy" and treats you like dirt.

I would get the divorce get your son build your house and try to forget her; you are a really nice guy and you deserve a really nice woman

Rhiannon

[NuckingFutz]

Hi Nick, you sound like a super responsible nice guy. Sounds like your marriage is based on her moods. If you keep forgiving your wife for infidelities as well. She knows she can get away with it but if you keep on doing it, you might have to start taking DNA tests to make sure you are the baby's daddy. The main concern here though is your son. You need to make sure he is safe. If it were me, I would not take my eyes off of him. And she is letting virtual strangers around the baby. I mean who knows what these guys could be doing...drinking and driving, drugs, swapping STD's. I know it has been a real roller coaster ride but that's what untreated bipolar feels like and she's been taking you and your son along for the ride. Your wife wasn't prepared to become a wife and a mother. Even if you attempted marriage counseling, she would most likely need one on one therapy for a while before a counselor would agree to see you together. I am not even a mother and I am worried sick about your son. He needs you!

[nkuhn]

Yes I agree. I have alot on my plate. Not every 22 year old is running their own company, building their own house, and meanwhile worrying every waking second about the safety of their wife/kid and trying to fight for his family back...

I think my wife is crying for help and I'm just not sure if I am at the point to walk away just yet. I feel like she isnt in the "driverseat" now and is being steered by a head full of mixed emotions that she cannot even understand. Right now she refuses help and says that she knows whats best and doesnt think I know what is going on. But something tells me one day soon she will wake up and realize that she has the ability to be happy if she would get proper treatment. I hate seeing her like this. It kills me. Its like someone else is living in her body. I have only done limited research on bi-polar disorder and depression. But is her actions typical of a person with these problems?

If so, am I better off leaving her alone until she hopefully comes to the realization of medication and help or do I keep trying to convince her myself?

Somewhere inside of her is the person I fell in love with and I would give up anything in this world (except my son of course) to get her back.

I'm so lost.

This morning she came over mad as hell because she found out I had came to find her last night. She says I'm a stalker and psychotic and now says that I blew any chance of ever working things out with her because I wouldnt leave her alone.

She supposedly has a doctors appointment in the morning, but I wonder how rehearsed her visit will be and if the doc will be able to see through it. I have spent every waking moment imaginable with her for years now. I know her like the back of my hand and can read her like a book. When somethings wrong, I know..and right now she is in a place where she doesnt want to be found...

Thank you for your words of encouragement and I look forward to more informational posts.

Thanks again.

Nick

[NuckingFutz]

Hi Nick, ever heard the expression "20% of the people do 80% of the work? Do you see yourself in that equation anywhere? Point being she took some vows as well. How is it possible to stalk your spouse if you live in the same house? Psychotic is when you see or hear things that aren't real. You should have a partner to help your marriage instead of working against it? The reason she's not in the driver's seat is because she got out of it when she stopped taking her meds. Sounds like the woman you know and love only comes out when she is at her best or needs something from you. Not even in her threats to leave you does she take responsibility for what's happening. she claims you are stalking her. She is looking to you to fix something only a pdoc can fix. Let us know how her doc appointment goes. Hang in there.

[Tatyana2009]

I wonder why you write so many things off? I get a sense of disconnection when I read your post. Like things are there but you do not connect. Can I ask - did you suffer any trauma prior to meeting your wife?

Maybe the question to ask yourself is - what kind of life you want for your kid.

Good luck!

[nkuhn]

Actually, I have seen a little bit of trauma. I am a former firefighter. I sat and watched a close friend slowly die in a car a few years back. Then my father died in 06' of a tragic car accident as well. Add that to all of the normal daily calls at a fire station, deaths, burnt people, you name it.

She went to the doctor and claims they said she was fine after only being there for an hour or so and that she didn't need meds and to come back for an evaluation in a week.

Sounds odd to me..

[Perna]

Nick, I don't find anything in your telling that says your wife has ever acted like a responsible adult or that you have very good boundaries. You let her walk all over you and then ask for more. I would take your child, file for divorce and let her keep up her irresponsible ways somewhere else on her own time and money! You aren't her guardian, you're supposed to be a husband.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by nkuhn

I feel like she isnt in the "driverseat" now and is being steered by a head full of mixed emotions that she cannot even understand.

Hi Nick,

Hi Perna - you never mince words. But I have to agree. Nick, we are all responsible for ourselves and our own actions. You cannot change this woman, believe me. I am glad she has had the ability to ask you to intervene in the past (by requesting that you get her and take her to the hospital) however you are not in control here. Sometimes the very best thing we can do is show another person what it looks like to have good boundaries. You need to seriously sit down and figure out why you keep picking up the pieces when she keeps breaking her promises. Therapy (for you alone) might be very good for this purpose, for getting someone else's perspective on the situation.

E

[50guy]

Nick.....
You are either a patient man or, you are a marshmello. If it was me......I'd be gone. I'd pay child support for my son, get visitation rights and be done with her. Yes, it is hard to leave someone that you love, but no way would I let her walk all over me. Ain't that much love in the world. I would find a way to get over her and heal my broken heart. I wouldn't get involved with her again, even if she did get help. I can put up with a lot.....being friends with other guys and even going out for lunch or something but, if ya hop in bed with him, you made your choice......I'm outta there.

Good luck to you,

[Muser]

I know it's not easy and you don't want to give up on someone you love but you do deserve better....much better. I would file for custody of your son. He needs a safe place. He would be my #1 priority right now.

I wish you the very best.

[Tatyana2009]

Well - I am sorry for the trauma you suffered. I can imagine in your job you see a lot of suffering and you have to deal with it. Watching a loved one die is possibly the most horrific thing anyone can go through. And loosing a parent too. I know - I have been there with both.

I wonder whether suffering all this makes it in some way harder to accept some realities. Harder to detach from loved ones. Harder to make ourselves safe. Harder to set boundaries for the self that keep us safe. I am just asking all of this because I really identify with alot of what you wrote. I too been with a man who does not give me what I need. The closeness and consistency.

I also wonder whether going through all this you may be scared of life. Scared of love.

And it sounds to me (though I am not a dr or a T) that you may be suffering from post traumatic stress. Have you ever been diagnosed or seen a T?

Whats your feelings/thoughts on this?

I cherish your bravery x

[NuckingFutz]

What happened at the pdoc with her doesn't make any sense either. Why would she have to go back in a week, especially with the pdoc not putting her on meds. She's not willing to get the help she needs. Also sounds like she won't be back in the driver's seat anytime soon. Time to move on.