[Stolly]

Hi there,

I am very lonely and depressed and been having the worst luck. I have been out of work for a good chunk of 2010. I found a job as a stock boy at whole foods in august. In October my wife of 12 yrs left me. I was so distraught and depressed from that, it affected my work as a lowly stock boy. Keep in mind I am 43 years old and have worked in Inside Sales and could only find the job at wfs. Just a few days ago, I was let go because my speed wasnt up to par to the younger workers, I guess. I thought I was doing ok, even though I didnt like the job at all.

I am staying at my grandmas vacated house, she is in a nursing home and I am very depressed. I still love my wife, but all she wants to do is discuss the business aspects of moving on. In a way, I dont blame her for leaving me, my career has been sporadic with lapses in work and that can put a strain on things. She has had a history of depression, but lately she seemed liked she changed wearing different clothes and before she left she had wanted sex differently than in the past. I am not sure, what is going on with her, I tried talking with her on the phone and she has said she has moved on and is happier. Then I get emotional.

I feel very low with thoughts of suicide periodically. I am in therapy, which is good.. I am still looking for answers on why I cant hold a job for a period of time. I,ve been to a couple of psychics to see what they can do. they told me to meditate which I started to do and exercise was another suggestion... I feel lost, I am looking for answers and it feels like I am grasping at straws..

If anyone can give me advice, it would be greatly appreciated.. God bless.. Sorry for my rambling

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ I know this is a difficult time for you -- and your wife couldn't have picked a worse time to just pick up and leave! You sure could use her support right now. But that's another story. LOL

I'm so glad that you're in therapy because that is where you're going to find your answers. I went thru a similar crisis years ago - and I too entered into therapy. Unfortunately, I didn't do it soon enough so I put myself into the hospital for 2 weeks as I was very close to going over the edge. Suicide is NOT the answer -- that is a PERMANENT answer to a TEMPORARY problem. You will not feel this way forever -- it's just a blip you're going thru. I know it feels like a huge mountain that you're trying to climb but when you look back on it, it won't mean that much in the long run.

Keep going to therapy ~ the answer will come to you. You WON'T find it in psychics. Just take good care of yourself, trust God, and get lots of rest. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand

stolly i am duplicating my signature in hopes you will see it...i know sometimes we don't read someone's signature. i use it because i have to be encouraged by what ayn rand wrote so many years ago when i feel hopeless with depression. i hope it will help you too.
life sometimes feels unmerciful. you are going through that experience right now. you have tried very hard by getting a job tho it was humbling. i applaud your efforts.
please try to dig deep in your soul and celebrate the person you are even with tribulations. know that this experience in your life will strengthen you in the future even tho right now things seem so hopeless. you can rebuild your life piece by piece. try to focus on beautiful things in nature by taking a walk. if you have friends you are comfortable talking to about your life right now reach out to them for solace. try to kind to yourself. you are wounded right now but you will heal in time. take life minute by minute is that's all you can muster.
for me prayer helps immensely and meditaion certainly helps me too. even crying about what "is" releases for me some of the pain i feel.
you are one of God's creatures. He will lift you up from this pain. rely on Him because He loves you.
know that we are here for you too. know that we care.

[Legend]

This sounds like a very hard time for you right now. Do something for you and keep looking forward. I am also recently separated and Im also trying to find myself again. Remember that you are important and God loves you. I heard this is a great place to find support and encouragement. Take Care you are not alone

[shezbut]

Stolly

I can relate to the pain. What a horrible predicament to find yourself in.

It's great that you're in therapy! I hope that you are able to find some answers to your questions. It takes time though. These are huge events occurring in your life. Really, life is pretty depressing for a lot of people in the world now. These are real hard times. You can assure yourself that you aren't alone in that area, if it gives you some comfort.

I think that it will take some time for you to come to terms with the world as it is now, before you feel some sense of normalcy in the world. Nature has been my biggest sense of relief in my world. Things have been upside down too many times for me to count, but my relief comes in seeing life go on. The birds, the trees, flowers, oceans, rivers, etc. Thinking about those things brings me a sense of peace. Even in the craziest times ~ and I remind myself of that fact whenever my mood is so low I think about self-sabotage. Nature brings me around.

That's my personal experience with the misery of the end of my marriage. Life does go on. My ex and I have 2 young girls together, which requires regular communication. A big stress at times, and sadness. But life continues to go on.

Gentle hugs to you Stolly. You're in my thoughts.

[sunrise]

Stolly, welcome to PC. I'm sorry you are having so many challenges to face right now. Seems like this year so much has happened for you--when it rains it pours. The good news is, this downpour won't last forever. It sounds like you are taking steps to get out from under all this--seeing a therapist will help.

I have gotten separated and divorced in the last few years and these are some things that helped me:

1) Build up your support network of friends and family. Reach out to them for support, help, or companionship. By the time my marriage was falling apart, I had let my friends and family drift away because I'd been so depressed I couldn't keep them up. So try to build this up and "not be alone" with all of your hurt. Go visit your grandma in the nursing home. You don't have to share your problems with her, but it might make you feel better to do something nice for her. And it will help her too.

2) Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Sleep and depression go hand in hand, so do not become exhausted. If you cannot sleep at night due to anxiety, get some help from your doctor. Also, get some fresh air and exercise, even if it is just going for a short walk a few times a week.

3) Don't rush the divorce. You are feeling very hurt and down right now, and divorce pressure and stress is hard to handle in that state. You can get divorced as late as December 31 this year and still be considered divorced for all of 2011 for tax purposes. Try to do what has to be done right now, such as each of you having a place to live and separating your bank accounts, or whatever is essential right now for day to day living and bill paying. If you jointly own a home and will need to sell it for the divorce, ask your wife if you can put that off for a few months. (The housing market is usually better in the Spring anyhow.) Ask your wife to defer most of the hard decisions for a few months while you start to get back on your feet emotionally. During divorce, you do have to be strong, and if you can build some strength back up, it will help you.

4) Try to do your divorce as amicably as possible. Hopefully, your wife will agree. Divorces can be very traumatic and cause their own awful pain that has to be healed. Try to minimize that by cooperating and not being hateful to each other, as many couples are. It is only harming yourself to be that way.

5) Do not choose to litigate your divorce. That will make things worse. It is easier to divorce amicably by either doing mediation or collaborative divorce, or working things out with your wife on your own. If you have a lot of assets, do not work things out on your own. If you have children, this makes the picture more complicated. Times have changed and joint custody is frequently awarded. So don't be stuck in "old thinking" and think your wife automatically gets custody. Joint custody is very common (it is working well for me and my children).

That's probably too much nuts and bolts info for you now. Just try to take care of yourself right now, keeping seeing your therapist, and ask your wife to hold off on diving right into the legalities.

(BTW, if you are unemployed, this could benefit you in the divorce. Perhaps. See a lawyer for more information.)

Good luck to you. PM me if you have any questions.

[malapp1]

Originally Posted by Stolly

Hi there,

I am very lonely and depressed and been having the worst luck. I have been out of work for a good chunk of 2010. I found a job as a stock boy at whole foods in august. In October my wife of 12 yrs left me. I was so distraught and depressed from that, it affected my work as a lowly stock boy. Keep in mind I am 43 years old and have worked in Inside Sales and could only find the job at wfs. Just a few days ago, I was let go because my speed wasnt up to par to the younger workers, I guess. I thought I was doing ok, even though I didnt like the job at all.

I am staying at my grandmas vacated house, she is in a nursing home and I am very depressed. I still love my wife, but all she wants to do is discuss the business aspects of moving on. In a way, I dont blame her for leaving me, my career has been sporadic with lapses in work and that can put a strain on things. She has had a history of depression, but lately she seemed liked she changed wearing different clothes and before she left she had wanted sex differently than in the past. I am not sure, what is going on with her, I tried talking with her on the phone and she has said she has moved on and is happier. Then I get emotional.

I feel very low with thoughts of suicide periodically. I am in therapy, which is good.. I am still looking for answers on why I cant hold a job for a period of time. I,ve been to a couple of psychics to see what they can do. they told me to meditate which I started to do and exercise was another suggestion... I feel lost, I am looking for answers and it feels like I am grasping at straws..

If anyone can give me advice, it would be greatly appreciated.. God bless.. Sorry for my rambling

Hey buddy, you are not rambling, you are feeling. I am going through tough times too. You can find my other post if you want to look for them under the bipolar section. Her is what I have learned so far: you must take steps to remind yourself that you are not a failure, even if that means putting a sign in the mirror to remind you. Do not attempt to take responsibility for her emotions or actions, she is responsible for them. Therapy is great but, you have to listen and learn when you are there.

Life will go on with or without her. It is your choice as to the quality of your life. Don't ignore your feelings but, don't labor with them. Exercise your right to be who you are. Good luck but, remember this, luck has nothing to do with how well you feel, you do.

[DivorcedWoman]

Dear Stolly,

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I'm bipolar and I've had to deal with a lot of loss due to this. I did try to commit suicide in 2001 and I will tell you it is definitely not the answer. If you feel that low call a hotline, try and go to a support group or something. When I woke up, I was ashamed, scared and then they put me into the psych ward which scared the crap out of me. I think you said you have children. Don't do it for their sake too they will have a lot of problems if you go that route.

I had a bad manic episode and when I was in the hospital for 2 days when I got home my ex served me with divorce papers and that he was taking custody of our child. I felt lonely, lost and much more but overall like a total loser. There were times during this dark period where I had fleeting thoughts of ending it, but I couldn't and would never do it again because of the love of my child. If I died how would that scar my child if I lived the attempt I would most likely lose custory again. It really is a no win situation.

I also got laid off about 8 months later. I'm in sales too. I did get another job about 3 months later but that only lasted 1 year and then I got laid off again. I've been out of work and quite frankly trying to put my life back together.

In my opinion it is also hard being on the receiving end of the divorce. I know I was hurt, angry, etc. and felt completely abandoned and that I was flawed so my ex no longer wanted me.

If you can afford therapy I suggest you do that. The therapist might also recommend you talk to a psychiatrist about depression medication. There are a lot of free support groups for divorce, depression,etc. I know I also found a group called parents without partners.

I hope this is helpful. If I can assist you in any other way let me know.

[ciefish]

Stolly, I have had issues finding men's separation and divorce support and recently I've found this website:
http://www.separatedmen.com/articles...-dont-know.asp
I'm close to your age and in a very similar situation. Heads up some of the material at the link is Christian based. I'm not trying to thump a bible here or be offensive. I'm straight that God isn't the whole answer IMHO. I'm only advising what has been working for me. The material is offered by Dr. Mike Marino. Google up his free seminars and program if you're interested in more info. Please take what you want (or need) and leave the rest. I most sincerely hope things get better for you with this recent rough patch.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but agree with the statement...when it rains, it pours. Here's an umbrella to provide you some shelter during these tough times!

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Stolly

Hi there,

I am very lonely and depressed and been having the worst luck. I have been out of work for a good chunk of 2010. I found a job as a stock boy at whole foods in august. In October my wife of 12 yrs left me. I was so distraught and depressed from that, it affected my work as a lowly stock boy. Keep in mind I am 43 years old and have worked in Inside Sales and could only find the job at wfs. Just a few days ago, I was let go because my speed wasnt up to par to the younger workers, I guess. I thought I was doing ok, even though I didnt like the job at all.

I am staying at my grandmas vacated house, she is in a nursing home and I am very depressed. I still love my wife, but all she wants to do is discuss the business aspects of moving on. In a way, I dont blame her for leaving me, my career has been sporadic with lapses in work and that can put a strain on things. She has had a history of depression, but lately she seemed liked she changed wearing different clothes and before she left she had wanted sex differently than in the past. I am not sure, what is going on with her, I tried talking with her on the phone and she has said she has moved on and is happier. Then I get emotional.

I feel very low with thoughts of suicide periodically. I am in therapy, which is good.. I am still looking for answers on why I cant hold a job for a period of time. I,ve been to a couple of psychics to see what they can do. they told me to meditate which I started to do and exercise was another suggestion... I feel lost, I am looking for answers and it feels like I am grasping at straws..

If anyone can give me advice, it would be greatly appreciated.. God bless.. Sorry for my rambling

you are soooo hard on yourself - you have had two major issues - work problems losing a job and your wife leaving you !! anyone would feel as terrible and as low as you right now - anyone !!! i know it hurts like hell and you dont want to go on , but you must go on life does not stop coz she left you and remember we are in a deep recession all over the world people are struggling to get back into work - don't mean you are bad or inadequate in any way , good ur getting counselling ,see about some antidepressants too for short term - go to ur local jobcenre and see if u can get help with your cv , you will look back at this time in ayear from now and think - wow i got through all that and pat urself on the back - and u will get through best of luck x