Confused not sure what to do

Hello everyone,

I have been married for 12 years and have been seperated since October of last year. One day we were looking at houses and the next day she told me that she didnt want to be in a relationship any longer with me. I was devastated, because I thought things were going well. Maybe I was blind and didnt pick up on any unhappiness she was having. I was laid off for a year and I didnt have the best career path, but got a job at WFS stocking shelves. Granted it was a crappy job, I was let go because I wasnt fast enough. Keep in mind, I am 43 yrs old an I guess I couldnt keep up with 16yr olds. After she left I went into a deep depression and have had little contact with my wife. Just through e-mails. I asked her to counseling with me and she said no. Her mind was made up. It appears she probably was thinking about doing this for a long time.

Just a little side information my wife was raped by a former boyfriend, she had probleems with depression and bulimia throughout the years. I am a good guy, I was gentle when it came to making love with her and was always checking in with her if she was okay. I treated her like a princess, nightly footrubs and fluffing her hair. I have never raised a hand to her or never stole or cheated on her. When I was not working I would have dinner ready for her when she got home from her job. I never pressured her for sex and sometimes there were long lapses with out it.

a Month or two before she left, she wanted to make love all the time. But in a porn style kind of way. I thought it was an interesting change and went with it. She was listening to different types of music and dressing differently. I know what you're thinking, was she seeing someone else, she said no.. Just to let you know we were seperated in 04 and got reunited after a couple of months apart. We both went to therpy seperately and she worked on her personal issues. In therapy, she thought she might of been molested as a child but was proven inconclusive. I know she has some baggage, I loved her for her.. But she left and I have been depressed, very lonely and searching for a job on top of everything. I have been in therapy and my therapist says I have to accept it and move on. I am having a tough time doing so. I love her and miss her and hate her all at the same time. My problem, is that she wants to proceed with a divorce and i do not. She sent me some do it yourself paperwork via mail and i just ripped it up in anger. She sent me another e-mail saying that if I could work with her on an uncontested divorce because she cannot afford a lawyer.

I dont want to do that. So I have been ducking her e-mails and not responding,, Its not a mature thing, but I dont want a divorce. I miss her and she probably doesnt miss me.

Again, I love her and am mad at her too. When I left she cahnged the locks and packed my bags for me. I cant figure it out, I am lost and not sure what to do.. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

God Bless

Hi Stolly,

Are you completely new here? I could swear that I've read your story and shared my opinion/sympathy a few months ago. No? Hmm... I'd just hate to repeat things that you've already heard. Kind of pointless.

Either way, I am sorry to hear that your struggling emotionally and financially. It can be so hard to make it through times like what you're currently experiencing. It takes a long time, therapy, and discoveries of things in life that you can enjoy all by yourself. Those things make acceptance easier.

It hasn't been long since you separated ~ I can understand that your still in the initial "denial" stage, with anger and depression, not uncommon. In my experience, perfectly normal. I, too, wished for change for years. I wished so badly ~ but that didn't help me at all. In fact, that deep wish and sorrow kept me in dark depression longer.

My first safe haven was found to be nature. That has been the deepest relief for me throughout all of my dark thoughts. I try hard to focus on very simple aspects of nature ~ watching a tree blow in the wind, feeling the breeze upon my skin, feeling any dampness in the air, smelling scents in the air, watching thin clouds blowing through the sky, etc. I focus all of my attention in that moment. It really is comforting for me. I cannot fully explain why ~ it just gives me some hope, to see that animals are still breeding, trees are growing, weather occurs, etc.

My problems are so tiny in this enormous world. Thankfully! When I am gone, the trees, birds, other animals, lakes and oceans will still be here. I look at them as a reassuring "constant". While so many things in the world are inconsistent and impossible to predict, I can believe that the world will keep spinning. Life will still exist. (Personally, I choose to keep humans out of my thoughts of the future, as that typically leads back to my negative thoughts.) That is my personal relief.

Hope that you are able to find some reassurance in the world soon. Try to focus on the beauty, the safety and simplicity of the natural world. It is amazing ~ so complex and simple at the same time. You cannot change others. You can only change yourself. Those are hard facts in life that we all must come to terms with.

Best wishes to you ~ take care!

Hi Stolly; Gee, you're story is heartbreaking. There's no magic bullet to ameliorate the pain. First things first. If your ex wants a divorce, give it to her. Find a date, any date, just to boost your self confidence. Hopefully the date you find will be understanding. Don't start crying about your dilemma, distract yourself by enjoying the dates company. In a few weeks, you'll feel better. Don't sit around feeling this pain, work on it to alleviate it. There are far worse off people in the world.

I'm sorry your'e in so much pain. The thing about your situation that is so upsetting is that she won't even talk to you or explain herself. That must be so frustrating! I am going thru a similar situation with someone in my life. I empathize with what you're going thru. There's not much u can do when your partner is totally unwilling to make an effort.I would give her the divorce after a period of time (say 3 months) when she could think about it and make sure she really wants to go thru with it.

I agree with the other posts in the fact that you should grant her the divorce. All you would be doing by waiting is prolonging your healing process. She has made up her mind and that is that. I hate to say it but I do believe that she has someone else. She will not tell you she does because she does not want to hurt you anymore than she has to.

I think you should move on with your life and find things that bring you happiness. A hobby of some sort whether it be painting or even learning a new sport. That will do you good. Physical activity can also help relieve some of your depression. Good luck with everything~

So sad for you.And,you didn't come back to receive support.Just sad for you.

Hi ~ Bless your heart -- I know you're miserable. I'm so sorry. But I have to agree with the others in that you might as well give her the divorce.

What if you got back together? Can you imagine what it would be like? She would be resentful, she would be angry, she wouldn't treat you well at all. She wants to be free -- and by continuing to hang on to her is just going to cause more problems. Let her go, so you can move on with your life. I KNOW there is someone out there for you --- you're too nice of a guy to stay 'single' very long. I'm sure you will have your share of dates -- there are plenty of women out there looking for a nice guy like you!

Since she started "changing" before you split up, i.e. listening to different kinds of music and dressing differently -- I have to think she has someone else. Why else did she make these changes?

Just let her go -- you DESERVE someone better. God bless & please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee