Feeling depressed, What did you do?

For those who left their spouse/divorced how did you have the 'conversation' that you were leaving.

In short my husband said he wont go to marriage counseling (I've been asking for three years) and I don't know that I want to spend another day with someone who wont go to counseling for the betterment of our marriage. He told me that unless it comes to a divorce he won't go to counseling (mind you this was after I told him that our marriage is heading down the road of divorce if we don't do something about our marriage). He says he's going to change blah, blah, blah. I want to believe him but at the same time I feel like I'm past the point of being receptive to his change. I feel like it's too little too late.

I have two kids so I"m going to plead one last time and then I"m filing papers at the town hall for a legal separation if he doesn't go to therapy with me.
And even with going to therapy I"m not sure there's a chance for us but I'm hoping for a miracle.

Any one out there go through something similar and ended up on the other side ok?

Thanks for listening.

I'm not a very religious person but pray for me please

A lot of your post sounds like it could have been me. My husband refused to go to counseling during most of our matime together - which was less than 3 years.

By the time he started to come around, it was only because I'd told him I was thinking of leaving...in truth i'd already started planning leaving. My mind was made up.

I don't know if I did mine the best way, but i got a place and planned my move and only told him right before - my husband was also abusive, so for me this was the best way for me to do things.

Since I've left I feel a million times better - I can't tell you it's been easy - in reality it's probably the hardest thing i've done, but it's been worth it. i decided not to go to marriage counseling with him and i will be filing for divorce soon. for me it was definitely too little too late. I think he may be in individual counseling now - his messages have been somewhat cryptic so I'm not a hundred percent sure.

Sometimes you have to act to get others to act. Whether or not you want him to make a change, you need to make your own change first. You need to feel good regardless.

I didn't end up on the side you appear to be hoping for... but I am so much happier today than I was many years ago. So, hope it is ok if I write about my experience in response to you.

Just wondering - have you been going to counseling on your own even if your husband won't go? (In retrospect, I wish I had).

In my case, I knew for 2 years that I didn't want to continue in the marriage the way it was. I also knew my husband did not like counseling and felt people who went were "weak". (And, we had been doing family counseling because of our children's issues). I never even brought the idea of marriage counseling up because I knew he would scoff at the idea.

After I left him, he asked me to go to counseling to see if we could keep the marriage together. I'm not proud of myself for this, but at the time I felt so worthless and completely lacked any self-confidence - so I agreed to go. I used the time to summon up all of my strength in front of the non-partial counselor and told my husband that it was too late, I no longer wanted to be married to him, and marriage counseling wasn't going to change my mind.

As jaded wrote, sometimes you have to act in order to get others to act. But w also have to keep in mind that we really only can change ourselves. We can request others to change, but we can't change them.

I wish you and your children well and hope whatever happens, it will bring happiness back into your lives.

Don't move out. Ask him to leave. Whomever leaves loses some of their rights to property etc.

I do not mean to appear unsupportive, but being "forced" into therapy isn't exactly conducive to therapy being productive. Hopefully he will realize that you really mean it when you say it is not working.

Will do. Sending supportive thoughts your way.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses

I put all my cards on the table the other night. I told my husband that I'm 95% not in this marriage anymore. He told me that he wasn't going to go to counseling and I could just talk to him then we could fix things vs. the priniciple of paying someone to tell them how I feel etc...

I told him that I fear talking to him because whenever I do it turns into him talking down to me and raising his voice (like he did most recently in public - so embarrassing). I told him I don't ever do that to him and I won't live that way of being treated so.

He told me it upsets him that I feel like leaving the marriage.
He's happy and had no idea I felt this way.
He loves me and he wants me to be happy whatever that means for me. He doesn't want me to hang around and be miserable for the sake of the kids.
He told me that he is going to communicate better and not be so 'hot headed'.
I told him that's a huge thing about me communicating with him because I feel defensive emotionally due to his demeaning comebacks.

He said that since we've been married in the last three years I've changed dramatically (for the better and he feared what that would mean for him) and because I'm now so different if I'm not interested in him anymore then while he's hurt he understands and wants me to be honest (I spent 3 1/2years in therapy and lost a bunch of weight, going back to school in the spring and have an active social life). He said that it will hurt for him but I should be happy.

He came up with things for us to do together (things I've requested in the past) to work on us.

Overall there is a shred of hope in this and I hope the shred blossoms into a bright and happy future.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

So will you tell him it's either therapy together or separation? I think you really need to hit him over the head with the reality of it. He seems not to be getting how serious you are.

By the end, this was how I felt too. I asked my husband to go to marriage counseling 10 years before we divorced but he wouldn't. By the time I had had enough to leave the marriage (and get the courage to do so), even if he had completely changed, I couldn't have stayed with him. There was too much water under the bridge, too much pain, etc. The "window" of being able to do something about it had passed. I just wanted it to be over. Your H may not get that there is a window. If you think you are still in the window, please push him hard to go with you and state baldly it is the last chance.

Yes! The other side has been much better for me. My children too. I have been divorced for a couple of years and sometimes still have moments of deep thankfulness that I am through this. I come home to my house and he is not there and it is wonderful.

The first time I had the "conversation" was the day I found out he was having affairs. We had a long talk and discussed staying together or splitting up. He seemed to want to stay together but keep having affairs too. I asked if he meant stay together until the kids were out of school? He said, no we could stay together after that too. I said I wasn't interested in staying with him if it wasn't monogamous, and didn't want to wait until the kids were through school either. I wanted to split up now. We had the same conversation the following day. He knew where I stood. We agreed we would each get counseling to help us with this. I did but he never did anything. He also ignored the "conversation" as if it never took place and we stayed together for two more years before I got courage to again tell him I wanted out. This time I did it in my therapist's office with my T there for support. I wanted to make sure he really got it--that I wanted out! It seemed to work this time as then we started on the divorce process. I credit my therapist with helping me get to the point where I could end it. If my husband and I had been to marriage counseling 10 years earlier, I think we might have had a chance to fix things. But maybe not.

Good luck, geez. This was one of the hardest times in life for me. But life is so much better now. It was totally worth it to end the marriage. I am 1000% happier. My kids are thriving. My H and I made it a priority to put the kids first, so they have not been harmed by the divorce. They are thriving and spend time with us each. They have two homes where they feel comfortable and welcome.

geez - good for you! The conversation with him was very brave and a good way to be assertive.

let us know if he starts "walking the walk".

Thank you Leo - I will surely be keeping everyone posted.

Hi Everyone! Sending an update.....

Since my post he 'slept on it' and told me that he doesn't want to lose me and will go to therapy with me. He told me to pick whomever I wanted and let him know when the appt is and he'll be there. He doesn't want a divorce and wants me to be happy.

He has been towing the line with his behavior and I feel like I'm with the guy I married. Our appointment is this Monday :-)

Congrats! I hope that things continue to progress.

Whatever the reason(s) for separation and/or marriage breakup.......one of you will ALWAYS gets hurt. I'm in the midst of a 30+ yr marriage that has crumbled.

So Sorry.