A little confused about talking with separated Husband

We are both 30 years old.

We have had our ups and downs. We have been apart a lot during our marriage because of Army deployments. He has had emotional affairs with other women online. He has had sex once with another woman. We have went through a lot. But I couldn't bring myself to trust him anymore. Depression has taken me before, and unmotivated me. I wanted to so badly to trust him again but I couldn't. Living suspiciously has taken its toll on me, I was not happy, I didn't want to live like that, I felt trapped by my own mind. The text incidents just kept happening.
During the last month (June) we were together, I suspected him getting too close with our base housing neighbor's wife. They were texting during the day while he was at work. THey didn't text in the evening when he was home with us, or when her husband was home. None of this sounds right to me. I only found out about it when I confronted him about the texting. He said she was confiding in him because she was afraid her husband was going to start hitting or something, because she had cheated on him while he was in Iraq. Couple days later, I found a sexy pic of himself on his fone. He said he took it for me and forgot to send it, but I didn't believe him. We got into a shoving match and fought over the phone. We forgave each other later. However June of this year my husband decided to leave me. We were stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina and I had to come to Montana for visitation for my oldest from a previous marriage. He told me he wanted to separate when I was here. We stayed here since then.
I have our two girls, he talks to them everyday over the phone. He just got out of the Army and started a new job, which took him to Texas, and now, next door in North Dakota.
He has asked that I file the divorce papers in January.

I was angry, sad, and heartbroken since June. He came to visit and bring us our car at the end of September. He stayed in a separate room in my sister's house. I was hoping for a reconciliation. We had sex 6 times for the week and a half he was here. It was great. But there was no kissing. He said he enjoyed the sex but it confirms what he is feeling, that he no longer loves me the same, because the sex did not feel like how it should feel when it is with your wife. He also was constantly texting and calling two other women (one of them being the neighbor's wife) while he was here, but I overheard him talking on the phone to the "new" one, the one I didn't know or where he met her and he referred to her as "baby", and saying that he was excited when he thought that she had called while we were at the movies with our little girls. He even left the movie to step outside to see if she had called. That had angered me, but I don't think I had a right to be.
Apparently the new one, she is having a relationship problem too, because he said, "see? that's what he is trying to do, he is trying to scare you." I don't know what to think about who this woman is. But I was heartbroken all over again. Finally the visit ended and we drove him to the airport to start hisnew job. At the airport I hugged him and told him I loved him when we said goodbye, and walked away. He did not return the sentiment.

When we talk occasionally, he indicates that he is still interested in me sexually, by flirting with me, and he sent me a picture recently too. He also said he doesn't plan on having sex with anyone else for a long time, and he doesn't think about having sex with anyone.

That is confusing, what is he trying to say to me?

Recently, after many tears and much soul searching, I am coming to terms with the situation. He had said there will be no reconciling when he was here, but that he is not over me, I will always have a special place in his heart he says, and that he still loves me, just not the same as before.

We recently got into a fight. I asked him to leave me alone for a day but he grew angry and called me 18 times which I did not answer, and text messages showing how angry that I was ignoring him. I wasn't ignoring him, I asked him to leave me alone because I was burying my uncle that day. We didn't talk for a couple days after that. That was last week, we are talking again.

I am coming to acceptance that our marriage is over, I do harbor some hope that we can work it out, but I know it will be a lot of work on both our parts. He says he has given up. I believe him.

I am trying to establish a new friendly relationship with him for our children's sake.

He sounded like he still wants to talk to me. Monday I confessed that I miss him everyday, and that I miss talking to him. He says that I don't call him and try to talk to him. When I do call, I told him, I feel like he is not interested in talking to me or what I am saying. He says I haven't even tried. So I say why don't you call me? He said he doesn't need to call me. ALl he does is workout and go to work. I tell him he can tell me how his workouts are going, and then he replies that I wasn't interested in that before, why would I be now?
He seems to be angry with me, but the past me more than anything.
There is a blizzard here now, he started his new job out on the field, he is a mechanic for oil rigs. I wished him luck and to be careful last night.
I called, then texted him this morning making sure he was ok. He didn't answer. I waited. No reply. I finally call this afternoon. He said he was sorry that he didn't reply, he was working for the last 15 hours and just got back in his hotel room 2 hours ago, and he just forgot to reply to me.
I shrug it off. We talk. I mention that I may be in the town he's in next week on tuesday to buy a video game, Black Ops 2. He asks why am I going to buy that? I don't play black ops. I say yes I do, and now I can play with my brothers. He says well you never played with me. I say yes I have! we used to play online with our group on nuketown all the time. He pauses and says...well you stopped playing with me, when I asked you, you wuold say you didn't feel like it. Well, I say, if you have time to get on xbox, you should come play with me online, but I know you need to get one and it sounds like youreally don't have time for games right now, but if you do you can play with me. We chatted a bit more, but then he asked to talk to the girls and he did.

I want to build a new relationship and forget about the old stuff that happene.d I want to build a friendship. Because I do still love him very much. But how can I if he brings up small tidbits from the past like that? Of things I did in the marriage, or things that I didn't do. It's in the past I can't change what happene,d, just as he can't change what he did either, but I can change what I do now. That's my mentality. How can I ask him to let go of the hurt and see how much I want us to be friendly? Just keep being friendly in texts or phone calls and be patient?

January draws closer, I'm nervous and still get sad when I think about it, but if it's what he wants I'll do it. I just want to be ready to want the divorce too. It's hard.

This looks way longer than what I intended. Sorry.

Bless your heart. You know, YOU don't have to file for divorce if YOU dont' want to. Why should YOU pay for it??? If HE'S the one that wants it, let HIM PAY FOR IT !!! I would NOT file for it, and I would NOT pay for it, if I didn't WANT it. He just doesn't want to PAY for it.

Since he's the one who wants it, tell him HE has to file. You don't want the divorce so you're not going to file. He's going to have to do it. I see NO reason why you should have to do it. None at all. He's working, so he should be able to afford it. Is he paying child support? If not, you'd better go to court and make SURE he pays child support for your minor children!!! Don't let him get away WITHOUT paying for it!! I don't care if you want to be friends or not --- he still has to pay for his CHILDREN!!

I wish you the very best. I know you're hurting and he's the one hurting you. God bless you and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your reply. I will be asking for child support, and he gave us a car that he will be making payments on, a little 2010 avenger. I will ask him to pay for the divorce.

I talked to him again about filing sooner. I did have a small amount of hope that maybe we can work things out, so I asked him do you want to try again or are you done? There was a very long pause, and then he said "we did try. I'm done." He said that there was a small part of him that hoped that the spark would come back, but he's done. He's done, and he doesn't want to hurt me or disappoint me anymore. He knows he's ****ed up a lot, hurt me a lot, and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He's thought about me everyday since June. Thinking a lot. And he thinks he tried, but he didn't try hard enough. And that I never changed. I'm not the greatest housekeeper when I'm depressed, and that I haven't went back to school or kept a job for long, because we moved a lot, I couldn't keep it and it was hard to get hired because of my job history. But all in all, he's done.

It feels like I got left holding the bag here. It's going to take awhile to put away my feelings. The more I think about it, the more I don't think I want to be friends.

Envy, I so know what you are going through .. My x partner of 11 years walked away from me and his daughter too .. He told me the same, he never wants another relationship with me again in his lifetime .. Ouch that hurts .. I still care very much for him, but I know he means it. He will not be back and still I shake my head at it .. It takes awhile for the shock to sink in .. the are they Really doing this ? Really ?
Worse, in the end, I too wanted to be friends and keep things friendly 1/2 for the sake of our child .. and 1/2 because the pain was intense .. slow denial .. maybe it helped me somewhat because things were moving too fast .. I can't believe the way its all changed.. When he calls now, he acts as though we were never together .. He specifically just asks for our daughter .. He's done things like been singing songs when I've answered his calls .. hot n dirty was one of them .. yeah, this was lovely ..car full of guys in the background .. The pain has been intense ..I'm watching him slowly walk away from his daughter and run from me .. The worst will be when I have to go through the pain of seeing him with someone else; and possibly worse; our daughter seeing him ..

I'd be careful about engaging in the sex part with him .. if it happens, i wouldn't beat myself up and accept where I am .. but mine did the same at first .. i ended up sleeping with him and hoping there would be some kind of affection; sign he loves me still but .. it never comes .. I ended up feeling Worse and then regretting and staying in the obsession for longer .. it basically fogs my thinking while he gets the best of both worlds ..

I'm grateful for forums out here where we can share .. It does get better; we do get stronger .. wondering if there is a divorce care meeting anywhere by you; they are supposed to be good .. hang in there .. keep sharing ..

wanted to add for me it felt like i was in a hit and run .. it's been a little while now but 11 years doesn't go away just like that .. Especially with all the memories here in this place and our daughter who looks so much like him .. incredibly sad ..