[melstar]

Hey guys
I am going through a divorce, and it is tearing me up. I just don't know what to do. I am struggling so badly right now. He just sent me a message telling me that I need to focus more on things that I can change about my life instead of what is going on with the divorce, but all I can think about is how I have failed so miserably in both being a mother and a wife. He asks 'how I have such difficulty loving myself'. I have such difficulty loving myself because suddenly I am not good enough. He knows that I have never really loved my self, this is not something new, this is something I have battled with my entire life, not being good enough. When I was finally feeling like I was good enough for someone and I was finally falling into a comfort zone, then he decideds he has had enough and leaves.
To top it all off he says that my son is a stubborn bullheaded little boy and that me saying he is a beautiful angel is like adding fuel to the fire. I know that he is a three year old boy and that he is going to be stubborn and test the waters. He isn't going to cooperate with what he is supposed to do. But that doesn't make an less of a gift from god. That just makes me feel even more guilty for not being there for him. I am his mother. I am supposed to be the one who sees him through these difficult times. I am sure part of this is acting out because his mom isn't there and he doesn't understand why. I just want to be with him. I am just falling apart, even as I am writing this I am crying. I feel like the worst person in the world but I don't know why.
Here is a copy of the letter he sent to me:
I read and reread your message several times and have been thinking about you a lot. It sounds like you still have a lot of work to do. I wonder why you find it so difficult to love yourself. You have always told me in stressful situations to “take care of yourself first”. Have you forgotten that? I recently completed a Communication skills class here at work. One of the topics that was covered was ‘circle of concern’ vs ‘circle of influence’. We all too often get so wrapped up in our ‘circle of concern’ that we find ourselves overstressed, exhausted, and ready to give up, and sometimes give up on life itself. The problem is that there are so many things within our circle of concern that we cannot change. We worry and fret over things outside of our control and to our own detriment. You have to learn to step back and focus on your circle of influence, those things you can change about your life. That is where we should be putting our effort if we hope to have any impact on our quality of life. Trying to change anything outside of your circle of influence is futile. It is an endless battle that will never be won. It is much better to leave that stuff in the hands of God. Put your faith in Him that things beyond your control will work out. That maybe things do happen for reasons we do not understand.

I wonder when was the last time you went to church… to pray for someone other than yourself?
I don’t want to hear your answer to that. I just want you to think about it.

And for the record, B is anything but beautiful. He is bullheaded and ornery so much of the time that we have together that most days I just don’t want to get out of bed. Any little thing can set him off without warning. It can be that I didn’t put enough cereal in his bowl for breakfast (even though they feed him again at daycare an hour later), or that he refuses to get changed and ready for bed, or he wants me to put his shoes on for him even though he can do it himself and I won’t do it for him. It is every day that I go through this battle. You don’t have a clue as to how much energy it takes from me to make it through to the next morning. So when you send me messages like the one below expecting me to feel sorry for you, that’s like adding fuel to a fire. There are a whole lot of people out there in a lot worse situations than you are. And they find a way to make the most of what they have.

I am not playing this game with you anymore. You need to grow up and learn how to figure things out on your own.

This is a copy of my first letter to him:
The past few months have been very difficult, both emotionally and physically. I have been trying to do my best to stay strong and take this divorce with strength and dignity, but I am finding that to be almost impossible. Everytime I think about the fact that I have a three year olf baby boy and my husband decided that he no longer loves me I fall apart. I wonder how in the world I am going to survive on my own. I have done nothing but take care of other people since I can remember, and now suddenly I am being told I am not good enough. Look at me I can't even write this email with out crying. I have tried to do everything I can to show you that I am a strong confident woman worthy of your love and affection, but for some reason no matter what I do it isn't good enough. So not only am I not good enough to be your wife but then I am beating myself up for being a terrible mother because I am not there for Brendan, because I am taking time for myself to get better and I am not with him. This depression and anxiety just keeps dragging me down and makes me unmotivated and hate life. How can I be a good mother if I am constantly dealing with such a debilitating illness that takes so much of my strength and energy just to do basic every day tasks, much less raise a beautiful little boy like Brendan. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could wave a wand and make everything go away but I can't. That is what sucks about life.

[Leed]

Hi Melstar ~ Your husband has NO idea what depression is, and that's too bad. One day he may experience it himself, and then perhaps he'll remember how he treated you. I'm really sorry you're going thru this.

But, you must stand strong and begin to help yourself. Call your medical doctor and ask him to refer you to a good therapist. You really need to see someone before this depression gets any worse. Your doctor will know who is the best therapist to see.. So call so you can begin sessions as soon as possible. The sooner you can begin, the better. You don't want to feel like this any longer than you have to.

So make the call to your doctor -- and before you know it, you'll be seeing a therapist. I wish you the very best. Please keep us updated on your progress from time to time, okay? God bless and take care! Hugs, Lee

[lukkhi]

Hello ,
How are you doing today!!!
I exactly know what you feel and have been through a very similar situation with by ex.I am in process of getting divorced.

Please ,you do not have to be needy;and he is noone to preach you to stand for yourself when he is the one who is deciding to run away from responsibility and find faults in you.

i am serious ,please with confidence thank him for the lecture he has given you;and say that ofcourse I will go ahead and see whether I am good or bad person;leave him ,say yes to the divorce and start taking care of yourself and the child;
If you feel, you really have any issues,work on them for your good;do not let anybody run on you and question you 'When was the last time you visited church for praying,bla, bla,bla'......he is the one who is selfish and can think of no more than his immediate happiness and hence has decided to run away from his responsibility and marraige;he was supposed to be there to give you support in case you ahd any short-comings;and he had the right to quit only when you were not determined to change the bad;;;;;;;

This is what someone wrote to me and am sharing this with you:
What Marriage is NOT: It is not 2 perfect People who celebrate that perfection the rest of their lives. What it IS, is two People who are Imperfect, who have Suffered in one way or another (as we all do), and who, if they are Very Lucky and Work Very hard at it, can sometimes Heal Each Other. When They do, They are right to call it True Love. This I know is true. This have today

I I have accepted,the person(now termed as my EX) never loved me (we had an abusive relation ship and I was always determined to be with him;it has been 1 month now I have agreed to the divorce(and I used to anxious and devasted because I thought marraige is for a life time and only death separates us,thus mentality made me suffer so much);today I know I do not need a husband to be happy;

Please,Please take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!!Do not let yourself be hurt by that man anymore;he does not feel and understand you now;you move on with your life,he might realize someday in life;how he hurt you;;;;

Now it might be difficult,but cut all ties with him and focus on you.There is something called the 180, do that;
God bless you,
Keep posting.

[lukkhi]

How are you doing today Melstar

[melstar]

I have seen better days. I got to see my son yesterday for the first time in a month. It was awesome to see him, but I don't know how to act around him. I am afraid of doing something that will make him upset with me and want me to go away. So for the most part we just walked around the mall (soon to be ex, me and my son) and we just chatted. Ex filled me in on what has been going on in his world. And I filled him in on what has been going on in mine. Then B is getting fidgety and we are thinking it is time to go, and ex looks at me and says 'you know there is a build a bear here and this is your time with him' talk about a huge hint and guilt trip. So I took B to the build a bear workshop where he picked out a monkey and had it stuffed, bathed it, and named it 'monkey'. I mean ultimatley I am glad I did that because he loved the monkey and I got to spend some more time with him, but ex happened to slid in to the conversation 'you know you could call him more, make sure to let him know that you are thinking about him' as often as I do think about my son. So then I felt again like the worst mother ever, like I couldn't figure that out for myself, and I mean really what do you say to a three year old who only wants to talk on the phone for thirty seconds. I know this is information I should take lightly and with an open heart, but to me it was as if ex was digging in that knife alittle deeper and turning it more. It was as if he was telling me that I need to step up to the plate and be a better mother.
So the entire evening after that all I wanted to do is drink. And I am a recovering alcoholic to begin with and still very early in my sobriety. I prayed to god to just help me make it to the next meeting. That was all I could do to not walk into one of the many bars I passed on my way home from my AA meeting last night (Sunday). I am still feeling that way today, and my nerves are on highatice, which is alot of fun too. GRRRRRRR.....
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling jumpy and uneasy all the time. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin even though that is a feeling I should be used to by now since I haven't felt comfortable in my own skin in years.
A part of me feels like I keep getting hit by high winds (100mph) and I keep getting whipped around and I don't know which way is front and which is back or which way is up or down. I feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the world at the same time. I don't want anyone to know that I am struggling like this because then I am not as strong as I look. I can't let the ladies in the house know that I am feeling like this for the risk of getting kicked out, you know wanting to drink and all. We already had one girl get arrested this weekend while driving home cause she was found with drugs and paraphinalia in her car, so she probrably won't be back to the house. That just turned everything up side down, and turned my thinking into chaotic thinking. They say that you relapse in your head first before you pick up the bottle, and I am afraid that is what I have done. I found myself staring down bottles of wine at the grocery store, imagining what they would taste like and how far I could get without getting caught. This scares the **** out of me. I don't want to relapse, for one because I can't afford to get kicked out of this house, and two I don't want to go through the hassle of what that entails.
Sorry I just needed to vent for a minute------

[lukkhi]

Originally Posted by melstar

I have seen better days. I got to see my son yesterday for the first time in a month. It was awesome to see him, but I don't know how to act around him. I am afraid of doing something that will make him upset with me and want me to go away. So for the most part we just walked around the mall (soon to be ex, me and my son) and we just chatted. Ex filled me in on what has been going on in his world. And I filled him in on what has been going on in mine. Then B is getting fidgety and we are thinking it is time to go, and ex looks at me and says 'you know there is a build a bear here and this is your time with him' talk about a huge hint and guilt trip. So I took B to the build a bear workshop where he picked out a monkey and had it stuffed, bathed it, and named it 'monkey'. I mean ultimatley I am glad I did that because he loved the monkey and I got to spend some more time with him, but ex happened to slid in to the conversation 'you know you could call him more, make sure to let him know that you are thinking about him' as often as I do think about my son. So then I felt again like the worst mother ever, like I couldn't figure that out for myself, and I mean really what do you say to a three year old who only wants to talk on the phone for thirty seconds. I know this is information I should take lightly and with an open heart, but to me it was as if ex was digging in that knife alittle deeper and turning it more. It was as if he was telling me that I need to step up to the plate and be a better mother.
So the entire evening after that all I wanted to do is drink. And I am a recovering alcoholic to begin with and still very early in my sobriety. I prayed to god to just help me make it to the next meeting. That was all I could do to not walk into one of the many bars I passed on my way home from my AA meeting last night (Sunday). I am still feeling that way today, and my nerves are on highatice, which is alot of fun too. GRRRRRRR.....
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling jumpy and uneasy all the time. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin even though that is a feeling I should be used to by now since I haven't felt comfortable in my own skin in years.
A part of me feels like I keep getting hit by high winds (100mph) and I keep getting whipped around and I don't know which way is front and which is back or which way is up or down. I feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the world at the same time. I don't want anyone to know that I am struggling like this because then I am not as strong as I look. I can't let the ladies in the house know that I am feeling like this for the risk of getting kicked out, you know wanting to drink and all. We already had one girl get arrested this weekend while driving home cause she was found with drugs and paraphinalia in her car, so she probrably won't be back to the house. That just turned everything up side down, and turned my thinking into chaotic thinking. They say that you relapse in your head first before you pick up the bottle, and I am afraid that is what I have done. I found myself staring down bottles of wine at the grocery store, imagining what they would taste like and how far I could get without getting caught. This scares the **** out of me. I don't want to relapse, for one because I can't afford to get kicked out of this house, and two I don't want to go through the hassle of what that entails.
Sorry I just needed to vent for a minute------

Dear Melstar,

You wont relapse,have faith!!!We are real people commenting and praying in this virtual world of internet.So you are in my prayers !!!You will heal for sure;All you have to do is have faith in yourself;You do not need anybody,no mother father,brother,husband or someone WHO HAVE HURT YOU;Life is a continuos journey,like I pray for myself,I do for you,I hope you get a real good loving companion;

For the time being stop feeling bad about your son;he will be fine;You care so much for him that is evident;you have to stop being guilty ;

Foremost now,I want you to stop feeling that you are weak or not in control;You need to care for yourself first 'CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE LIKE A CHILD WHO HAS GOT A NEW LIFE';And you have to shape ypur future fresh;

Also,IGNORE THAT MAN WHOM you call your husband;HE IS NOT ur husband(that was just LEGALLY);a true relation never would HURT or ABANDON;SO next time he talks CRAP ;give it back to HIM on his face;

I also feel that you should be more open and share your feelings with the other women in your staying place,or please join some community service ,there you will make good genuine friends;

Please take care of your health ;and i sncerely hope MElstar that you quit drinking soon with the will that mother nature has given us all;

I know when you emerge out strong ,you will need no nonsesne people,and you are already a very good mother but physically you will bethere for your son ;Things will work out;
But you ahve to promise to yourself that you will love yourself first and foremost;

[lukkhi]

You hae to take control of your life MELSTAR;We are not VICTIMS of the bad situations that are there WHEN we stop becoming victims;;;;;;;

PLEASE talk to many people,involve in community service when not working,there you will make new friends;There are good and honest people,who are not selfish and will help you;That will be a new beginning;

See you might be having problems that you struggle with;that does not make you invalid;you are strong and trying to cope hence you write here;that means you are already on the path of 'YOUR LIFE IN YOUR TOTAL CONTROL';
Also,irrespective of what other people do to us in our lives,and whatever relation they are and have failed us;we should just our shortcomings and try to correct just us,and we turn into a strong person;If possible forgive all the crappy people who have hurt you in this life and made you loose your self confidence ; hate all the factors that led you to being an alchoholic ;
Please do keep posting ;
Wishing you a happy and healthy life ahead.

[lukkhi]

Why do you let your Ex-loser-husband hurt you;ask him to be just cordial with hi and hellos;nothing else;you are divorced;
just talk about your son that to constructive talks;if he starts preaching,tell him :

'Mr EX-Husband!!!I am having deep problem now;I struggle ,not to drink and heal myself,I am helping myself to get to talk to therapists,but money is short,I am not able to be with my son whom I love deeply;IN SHORT I am suffering deeply now ,AND YOU RAN AWAY,you are a loser,a fake person ,not a real one;But do not worry ,I will COME OUT OF ALL THIS MESS STRONGLY ON MY OWN,AND MY SON WILL LOVE ME FOR THAT';AND STOP PREACHING ME;If it was in my HANDS the SON would be with ME and NOT with YOU;Henceforth ,if you want to talk,tell me things WHICH will be conducive to my well-being and not to demoralize me;I know I am very good human and need no crappy talk"""""""

I guess this will keep his mouth shut ,What say Melstar!!!!!,and if he is human enough(irrespectve of the fact that the loser chose to run and divorce),yet he will help you positively in dealing with your son;

[lukkhi]

take care Melstar!!!!I could only write this much about your life from your posts,hence may be my comments are limited to what I know;If you want ,we can share all the sad things in here.That will help you!!!!
Another thing,do not have the feeling taht the son will not want you and just do not walk on egg-sheels as to how you should behave with the child;you are the mother,just have quality time whenever with him,he is just a child,he cannot 'NOT WANT ' you;never;
Keeping this in mind,take care of the OTHER CHILD who is there with yiu always'that being you YOURSELF;Once the "SELF 'child is ghappy again,you will take very good care of your baby boy;
We pray to GOD,but God wont come in person;he has his other means to answer our prayers;You have to to be strong and help yourself;and that will be God's will and love for you;

[lukkhi]

hello Melstar.

How are you doing.

I came across few audio's by louis hay.The link is in my signature.

All you need to do is signup for it(name and email) and you get to download the 40 minutes audio file.Please do listen to it.Do post if you llsten to it and like it.take care

[melstar]

Well I just found out that my divorce will be finalized in January 2013.

[melstar]

Talk about a slap in the face and a knife to the heart. Now that I know when the finalization is happening, I am not sure what I am going to do.

I sent him a message yesterday asking him to tell me what it is that I did to illicit this divorce, and if there was any chance of making this work. I told him to be honest and don't worry about if he is hurting me, I know it will hurt, but I need to know so I can be prepared. It may take him awhile before he responds back.

[lukkhi]

I know how it feels,I shall soon someday get the divorce finalization date.Stay Strong!!!
You are in my prayers,happiness shall find you for sure..all you have to do is...keep looking for and want happiness.....

[Leed]

Hey Melstar ~ How are you doing? I've been reading this, and gosh it took me back to the early days of MY sobriety! I can really relate to being whipped in the wind.

Let us know how you're doing, ok? Many prayers are being sent your way.

God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[melstar]

I am hanging in there to the best of my ability. Things have been somewhat rough, trying to deal with insurance so that I can get a therapist and psychiatrist has been a real pain, but just taking in one day at a time.