[Big Mama]

It seems more and more that this is not going to work. My H and I are in T together. This is the 2nd time we have worked on things together. The first time was my sons T who was mainly helping us because ultimately it affects all our kids. It was very unsuccessful. He felt ganged up on and rail roaded because it was me and the T against him. That is a very true statement. But his controlling ways and intimidation made it so the fault did lye with him and the T sided with me because I was fearful of my H and was to afraid to stand to to him alone. It was unfortunate how things played out.At the T's request we got another more qualified T. Someone he did clidk with. Because he and she just did not click. Some people you just don't gee and haw with, who knows why.

We got a new T. She spent time w/ him and time w/ me and time w/ us. She gained his trust. Now that issues are starting to arise, intimidation and fear, he's gotten called on his stuff he wants to stop. We go again tomorrow to see the T. His words before going to bed were I will not pay her to railroad me and tell me how to live. Tomorrow better not go like last time or I'm not going back.

I told the T if he quits then he quits on us. She said this will show where he really stands. I didn't tell him though. You don't tell the person you are afraid of that.

If tomorrow does not go so well, I may not return home with him. I don't know. I know some of you have been threw divorce, are currently going threw divorce, or are thinking about divorce. I have met people who said they only wish they knew....... what ever. the property taxes were gonna be so hard to come by, the kids and taxes were gonna make things difficult, just what ever. Is there anything you wish you knew in advance you could have prepared for in the future if you had only known? Pleas no oops I'm preg, or he/she had an affair, or She/he had std's kinda stuff but finiancial, life changing, planning for made things easier type of stuff.

[Leed]

Well, if you're REALLY SERIOUSLY thinking about a divorce, for one thing if you have a savings account, make sure you take out HALF of what is in there, or else HE will withdraw ALL OF IT. You are entitled to one HALF of all the money in the checking and savings accounts and any other monies you may have. So I would withdraw them ahead of time so that HE doesn't take them out without you knowing. My husband did that to me, and I ended up with no money!!

I would also get an attorney. You will need one to make sure that your best interests are taken care of. Now, I used a cheap lawyer in a mall -- but he STILL did a good job in seeing to it that I got EVERYTHING that I had coming to me. I got the house. we split one half of what the property taxes were; my husband had an inheritance -- I got one half of that because we'd been married 26 yrs; I didn't WANT his pension although I was ENTITLED to ONE HALF of that, but I didn't ask for it; I got custody of my daughter who was 17 at the time as she wanted to stay with me; I got the car -- he got the truck; That was about it. We didn't have any credit card bills or anything like that, so that wasn't a problem, thank God.

It sounds like your husband isn't really willing to "change" for the better, and wants to keep "ruling the roost" and scaring you half to death. That's not much of a life for you. Doesn't he realize what he's doing to you? He must be deaf and blind! I'm sorry Big Mama -- I wish he'd wake up and see what's happening. If the therapist is telling him he's a bully, you'd think he'd believe her! I wish I knew what to tell you. God bless, sweetie, and keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

My husband went slow, stayed living with his wife until he had figured out the money spit and found an apartment, found a lawyer for himself (and paid attention to what she advised), took it one step at a time.

I don't know what to advise you if you are afraid of his words. I do not know how that can work if he is not interested in changing; I would first find a lawyer I could work with and figure out what steps you, personally, want to take from there; I would not leave out-of-hand (that can cause loss of what you leave; property, children, etc.), I would just "agree" with whatever he says, make a plan, keep my own counsel, and follow it through.

[Big Mama]

Perna Question: What is to leave out of hand. I have copies of the deed to our home, titles to vehichles, copies of all the tax info, copies of our check book inside where you track how much you've written out. To use as proof of what our electric bill is, car insurance,phone bill.

Leed thanks for the info. I have just now opened a checking account for the first time ever. I'm 38 and have never had a checking acccount or a credit card. So I have no credit. My H's name is on everything. So I really have nothing. But with the advice of my in home councelor I got my first credit card and first checking account just a few months ago, in May. My H has always been against me having control over money. But the in home counceling was court ordered to be here and he was court ordered to comply with what ever the councelor said. So I got a credit card and a checking account much to his disliking. I don't have much $ because I don't have a job. I have put in what ever I get for B-Days and other special ocassions. As for a shared account we do have a personal checking and my name is on it in the event of emergency or DEATH. I can get to the money. Otherwize I am not allowed by him to write checks without his approval first. If it is for my own personal use I give him the money so he can deposit it and then I am allowed to write a check. I usually just use money orders. That way what I do with the little bit of money I do get my hands on can't be tracked by him. He never has to know.

Our T's visit went suprisingly well. I don't look for this to last. He is so calm and plays the role of a bible preaching and believing christian. It makes me almost want to barf. You can't pick and choose the words and use them as you please. The bible was not made for that. I think the T sees through that though. This is just the begining and I don't know from day to day what I want.

Thank you both Perna and Leed for your time and answers.

[Mike_J]

I would talk to a lawyer before you do anything. The laws differ from state to state, and what is a good idea in one state may be a bad idea in another state. And figure out how aggressive you want to be in the divorce and some of that will depend on how you think he will respond to finding out you want a divorce. A divorce that can be worked out without a lot of conflict is far better for everyone but if you think he is going make things rough on you, then you need to be a lot more proactive about protecting yourself. On the other hand if you feel that you can both be civil then look at less adversarial ways of handling your divorce. There are several options in WI for divorce, but I won't go into them because the laws in your state are going to be different.

And be careful of your actions, my wife has done some really dumb things that are going to come back and bite her.

[sunrise]

I suggest laying low and not attempting to leave the marriage immediately (unless you are the target of his violence). Use this time to get your ducks in a row, for example, get copies of all your family financial documents. It sounds like you've done some of this. Good. Also if you just outright leave the home, this can make it harder for you to get the home in the financial settlement as they might consider that you abandoned the home. Go see a lawyer so you understand your rights, options and various strategies. Try to pick someone who is not a shark. The divorce goes easier if it can be amicable, and shark lawyers will try to introduce more acrimony and make it a battle, because a battle takes longer and they get paid more then. Get a gentler sort of lawyer, who can be strong, but will not encourage animosity.

If your name isn't on the checking account or other accounts, try to get it added. Even if your husband will not allow that, you can try. Maybe you will be successful. It is good to think what you would like to get in your financial settlement. Do you want the house? The car? The retirement account? Do you want the house to be sold and then split the proceeds? It is helpful to have thought this through. Also, it is helpful to know how much money you need to live on. What is your budget. If you are unemployed, it can be very helpful to be thinking of your future support. What job will you get? If you need to learn some new skills, it can be helpful to go to school for some classes while you are still in the marriage and have a stable home. Sometimes people think they really want to stay in the home instead of having to move out to an apartment or smaller place. But if you have a mortgage, keep in mind that the mortgage payments can be a huge burden, and you have the upkeep for a house and yard and property taxes and all the stuff in the house to deal with. My XH moved out and had a fresh new start in a new place. I got the house but also the years of accumulated junk in it and many house repairs to make since we neglected this our last unhappy years together.

Do you have children? If so, try even harder not to have an acrimonious split.

During the time when I was contemplating divorce, I got a PO Box in my name so I could have correspondence sent there that I didn't want my H to have access to. I also started taking more of an interest in our finances and took over the job of paying many of the monthly bills. That way I got better educated about the cash outflow and how much things cost.

Good luck to you. I am glad your last meeting with the therapist went well.

[sweetandsour]

i wonder why things get so much complicated when you get in couple and all the stress ends up for the woman who was blindly in love and giving in the relationship.
be strong big mama and i give you my count of courage for you to get out of this difficult situation.
but if we genuinely admit to ourselves that once the husbands are out of our lives we know we'll be much more at peace but to do that we have to be really daring just because we fear of the loneliness that will follow.
my lawyer sent me out to work on the relationship again. 6years of still working out.
you are in my thoughts.

[Bobbarita]

If you are in a situation involving alimony insist on whatever legal paper has to be drawn up so that alimony is not a write off for him and taxable to you. What will that equal? He gets a tax break, you owe taxes on it, therefore it is in aculality less than stated when the taxes are subtracted. Insist that he get and provide regular proof of a life insurance policy with you as beneficiary. In the event he pre-deceases you, you will still collect alimony. I intend to insist that a "no-cohabitation" clause NOT be included in our agreement. The jerk stalked me and monitored my every move with no reson other than he is a control freak. I have a police report from this. I refuse to be "controlled" by him from afar. It is none of his business with whom I live, if it happens I don't remain alone. It is none of his business if I share a room in a big home with other people who contribute to rent. These along with some other things I have educated myself on by reading books (look into NOLO books on Amazon on divorce) will be deal breakers. I am willing to negotiate other things but I will NOT sign off on these. Whatever is negotiated, before you agree to anything ask. "WHAT ARE THE TAX CONSEQUENCES TO ME????" If they are not in your favor, negotiate, or say you'll think about it. Don't agree to anything fast. Do you think Donald Trump makes decisions without research? without knowing the FULL ramifications? Memorize the phrase, "After I consult with my attorney, I'll get back to you". There is no rush. This is your life. Don't feel pressured to make quick decisions which may have a negative impact on you and that you may end up regretting later. This IS IT. Be careful and cover your a-- at all times. Your lawyer has knowledge and credentials and hopefully expertise but he/she is your employee. Remember that. You make the final decisions based on advice, not because you feel someone is twisting your arm for a quick settlement.
Best of luck. Educate yourself. You will be able to ask pertinent questions and the answers may surprise you.