feel like im losing it.......

Hi I'm new here and looking for some insight. I recently broke it off with someone after a two year realtionship. We lived together for the last 10 months. I have been divorced so I know break ups are difficult but this one is just harder than I imagined. I took alot of time after my divorce to raise my son and only dated during that time. This was the first serious realtionship I had in about 8-10 years and I'm now questioning my judgment when it comes to men and people in general. I had always thought I was a good judge of character but it turns out that may not be true.

Anyway, I started seeing this guy while he was separated and going through a divorce. Kept it just dating and casual for awhile and eventually feel in love. There were plenty of red flags, in hindsight, but he always assured me he was ready and I believed him. At a few points, I tried to back off and he basically told me that he would not "just date"......it had to be exclusive and a realtionship. We had plenty of disagreements but always seemed to stay together. He told me quite a bit of personal things at the very beginning which always stuck in my head. One thing he shared was about a woman he considered "just a friend"......but referred to her as desparate. He told me she was also going through a divorce, had cheated on her husband, was a drunk, and would have sex with him if he wanted......he also said he didn't want to. Not exactly the kind of woman I would consider a good source of advice or want around my man. When my realtionship with him became exclusive and we decided to be committed, I told him I no longer felt comfortable with him and this woman remaining friends. We had this conversation after a specific incident with her occurred. He had left my house on a Sunday morning telling me he had a lot to do at home that day. Later that evening he called me to tell me he had gone to a party to pick up this woman "friend" because she called him for a ride and was drunk. Not only did he go to get her......he stayed at the party and had some beers before driving her to my house to meet me. I'm still not sure what he was thinking but when he got here and told me all this, he included the fact that this woman was also hitting on him. She was in his car and too drunk to get out.....she was also on her phone and screaming obsceneties at someone....I think her husband/exhusband. I am not the jealous type but this realtionship was not appropriate and gave me a bad feeling in my gut. After this incident I told him how uncomfortable his relationship with her made me feel and that I thought it was inappropriate to continue. He agreed and told me he would end it. All of this happened very early on in our relationship.

We continuted our relationship with normal ups and downs and then this past September we got into a huge fight and broke up. This is when I saw his phone records. He had been calling her all along and hiding it from me. Right before we broke up he had called her five times a day for the entire week......even sneaking out of my house to call. Also he texted her one night for 8 hours straight. Of course he insisted he did nothing wrong and she was "just a friend".....he always had a sneakiness to him. He wore me down and fought with me and swore he did not cheat and made me feel crazy for thinking the way I did. I'm not sure how I let him manipulate the situation into being my fault for not trusting him but he did. I took him back but nothing felt right to me after that......the intimacy was gone as well as the trust. I couldn't look at him the same and somehow he had me believing it was "my" problem and insecurities that were to blame......not his betrayal. No matter what I said..he could not admit that the lying and hiding and sneaking were what constituted the betrayal..even if nothing inappropriate happened. (which I don't believe anyway). I could never wrap my head around nothing inappropriate going on with the obscene amount of contact they were having. Almost 700 minutes in less than a month and that didn't include texting.

My fault was taking him back after that......I guess love really is blind because I thought I could get past it. The problem is he wanted me to get over it immediately and drop it. I couldn't so I kept so much anger bottled up inside that it finally just exploded about three weeks ago in a brutal fight that actually got physical. I finally snapped and kicked him out. He claims it came out of nowhere and he is once again the innocent victim. I feel horrible that it ended the way it did and am having an extremely hard time with it. I've lost my self respect for believing him and taking him back and now I doubt everything about everything.

I have never felt this hurt and confused and stupid!! I am glad we are over since I realize he never respected me or my feelings but I just feel so used and betrayed. I know I could never be with a man that would bring out such anger in me I'm just not sure how to move forward and looking for advice and help...........

Sorry this is so long but I needed to include important details......

BeachLover, I can certainly understand your feelings and how you just aren't sure of your judgment anymore. However, in a way you showed that you are a dear and trusting person. How did you know he was going to be such a louse? You are aware that maybe you did trust him too much, so at least you have insight.

But now you are alone and missing a close bond. Again, that's understandable. You had assumed the two of you would be together for the duration.

I can't say I have personally been in this exact circumstance. However, here are some thoughts that come to my mind: 1) Try to work on female friendships for right now. Have fun with their company and just socializing; 2) Along with that line of thinking, try not to worry about men so much right now. Let some time pass, so you can be more clear-headed. No boomerang romances, that is!; 3) Work on enjoying your own company. Find some hobbies or resurrect some. Please don't be one of these women who thinks they have to have a man to matter.; 4) And realize that you have just joined a great source for support for friendship, advice, fun, etc. in Psych Central. Take advantage of us.

If you just aren't able to get some stability after awhile, then remember you can have a few sessions with a counselor.

That's what "Dear PAYNE1" has to say right now, anyway. Let's see if other folks will speak up about your situation.

Oh my, this is so similar although I stuck it out for wayy too long. The texting, the calling, the turning it around on me so he looks like the victim. The feelings of being used and beytrayed. If you need more help here I hope someone comes along. Paynes advice is really good. I'm taking itfor myself, even though finding friends in real life is hard for me, it will take time.

Thank you.......I am taking some time for myself right now. I have friends and family but sometimes I think they get sick of hearing me. I do look for some advice from people that are on the outside looking in. I spent alot of time thinking that I was the one that was crazy. I guess when you have someone telling you that you're insecure and crazy for thinking a certain way you can start to doubt yourself. I know I am entitled to my feelings and not have a man dismiss them as foolish. I am not a jealous person but this man had such a suspicious nature and sneakiness about him that it made me feel like he was hiding something constantly.
Anyway, I am strong and independant and raised my son alone. He is 22 now. I don't need a man to feel whole. I would like a relationship because its my time. However, I am not ready to date anyone right now. I'm still feeling unsure of myself on some level and sad at times. You're also right about missing the companionship and having someone to come home to......the little things. I wish I knew how long it takes for that feeling to go away.....right now its still good days and bad days. I haven't had any contact at all with him for almost a month so that helps.

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond......

Bless your heart ~ You aren't the first one who has had this happen and you surely won't be the last. Men can sometimes be pigs. LOL Please, please don't beat yourself up for this. You trusted, you loved. What's wrong with that? Unfortunately this guy just wasn't worth your love and trust.

Sometimes we make wrong choices in men, and we've all done it. And we ALL kick ourselves for it too, and then beat ourselves bloody for it for the next 6 months. But what good does that do except to give us bruises? We know we screwed up, so that's that! Let it go, and move on. But just for a while, forget men and pamper yourself. Like Payne said, hang with the women-folk and have some fun. And don't forget that your OWN COMPANY can be very fulfilling. If you love yourself (and you should) you can spend some very good times alone! And remember, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

So stop beating yourself up, okay? There's a BIG sisterhood out here of women who have done the same thing you did. And that's trust & love and get screwed in the process. Forget it my friend. And God bless you and please take care of YOU. Keep us posted on how you're doing, okay? I'm sure we'd all love to know. Hugs, Lee

Thank you !!! i'm doing a little better each day. I have no desire to date anoyone else right now. I am focusing on work, myself and my family. Still have good days and bad.

One thing I have trouble with is replaying everything that happened in my head. I sometimes can't stop thinking about the red flags I missed....or maybe just ignored. That is a terrible feeling.........feeling foolish and used. I'm not sure why I miss someone like that at times. I guess he was very good at pretending.

>I have never felt this hurt and confused and stupid!!

And most of this was caused by him being quite strange and manipulative to an unbelievable degree - no wonder you let yourself believe it for a while. In other words, much of the situation is about him, and thank heavens you are now free of that direct influence.

You: "I want to just date".
He: "No, I want an exclusive relationship, I won't just date."
You: " **** off".

Because if he won't just date, he might as well go **** himself, right?

Also, red flags are extremely important and trusting your gut is extremely important.

You are worried that you are not a good judge of character, but you ARE. The problem is not that you did not judge his character correctly, but in that you disregarded your judgment. So no problem with the judgment, just believe in yourself next time around.

Good Advice everyone...... I did always have that feeling in my gut that he was hiding something. It's good to know my instincts were right on but bad that I chose to ignore them. That is something I have to work on I guess. Being apart now has given me alot of clarity. In addition to all the secretive tendancies he had.....I do believe he was never over his divorce/past relationship and that he was emotionally unavailable. He never gave himself time to grieve his loss. He jumped in too quick with me for an ego boost or whatever. I'm sure he has again followed that same pattern and is probably involved with someone new by now. I think he needs to be in a relationship to feel whole. In my opinion.......he needs to be alone for awhile but its really not my problem now.

Everyone has been very helpful......thanks for listening to me ramble on.....lol....it does help to talk about it.