Still hopeful :(

Hi,

I am hoping to hear any opinions from anybody about my situation. I have been married for over 5 years but been together for 7 years. During this time, there were ups and downs which I believe happens to everybody. I wasn't a perfect wife and he wasn't a perfect husband but I would say we were both good with each other for the most part. He and I tried to have a baby since 2007 and finally in 2011 I got pregnant and baby was born last year, (now 10 months old).

But in 2011 my husband got a new job which unfortunately require him to work almost 27/7. This job has changed him from being a nice person to short tempered and moody person which caused us to have consant arguments because he sometimes take his work frustrations home with him and I wasn't too understanding about it either. But even though we had all the arguments, we were still happy and loved each other (I thought anyway). So after having our son, things has gotten worst because we both work full time and the stress has doubled. But we both agree we will get through it.

So we recently bought our dream house after Thanksgiving of last year. My husband thought that it is best for us to have a house that has a yard and a basement for our son. I was really happy because we have everything we always wished to have(baby, dream house, stable job). We have so many plans on what we need to do to make this house a home.

But, January of this year my husband was given less than 48 hours to travel to South America, so within that remaining hours, he was stressing out to change the house locks because he wans to make sure that when he isn't home at least he knows my son and I will be safe. So, we never have any time to spend together to do something nice before he left. We both know he did not want to go because this is the first time He will be away from me for a long time let alone we now have a baby.

So he arrived in South America and the first thing he told me was that they could not go anywhere without their body guards and guns so it really made me worried. On January 13th was his birthday and this is when the huge argument happened. Earlier that day, we were talking and everything was fine then he said he will call me in 3 hours. But 5 hours later, he has not called so I decided to call him. first couple attempts no answer and then 3rd someone answered the phone but all I could hear was women/woman giggling and laughing... I listened to it for a few mins then I hang up, called again and I hear the same thing. Didn't get no sleep that night, He called the next day and I asked him what happened, He said he just forgot to call me. I asked about the woman/women giggling, He said he does not know and he did not answer my calls that night. So we had a BIG arguments over it.

Then everything was fine.. Make the story short.. He came home February 20th, made love to me but the next day told me He does not love me anymore and want a divorce. I was numb, hurt but didn't know how to react. I asked if there's someone else, He said, His decision is based truly on how he feels towards me and has nothing to do with the woman He had met at the bar who is 14 years younger than him. After he told me, He started acting so cold towards me and our son, all he does is chat with this woman even in front of me and our son. I asked him to give me some respect and not to do in my own house, in front of me and our son. But he never did stop. So we live in one house but no longer a couple. He left to go back to see last Thursday and is coming home tomorrow.

He is now telling this woman that She is the love he has been waiting for his entire life and that could not live life without her. He is now telling her everything he used to tell me. Is he really in love with this woman? My friend is his friend on FB and she was the one telling me all these. She said, my husband is writing all these love poems on her FB wall but the girl really has no respond to it except Thumbs Up or just I Love You.

He has told me that He might have fallen out of love even before our son was conceived???? He said, I stopped being intimate?? I was on bed rest for 7 months, and some complications after son was born in June of 2012. I am so hurt and so lost right now..

My love for him still very strong that I cannot even hate him, I am not mad at him, I actually forgive him for what he has done the first time around, but now, after this second trip knowing that this time is intentional, I am not sure anymore, I more lost but still somewhat hopeful that he will wake up from this Infatuation. I am lost because I still love him but also not sure anymore if I can take him back or not after this. Somehow, I am holding on to a little hope that He will wake up from this and want us back. Please share me your thoughts and opinions. (I am 33 and hubby is 36 and son is 10 months old.)

I'm sorry, this is very sad. But you have to face the fact that he said the word 'divorce'.
He is very disrespectful towards you and frankly, so very immature to say & do the hurtful things he is doing. Can I say, What A Jerk! You are not his doormat. You are the mother of his child and deserve respect. Oh, and you are still his wife. For now.

This younger lady is not getting any bargain. She wants a guy who cheated on his wife who was on bed-rest while carrying His Child? Wow! What a guy. Doesn't sound like the guy you thought he was. He is showing no honor or integrity. And he is just cruel to flaunt his infidelity in your face.

I would ask him to move out immediately. Have a friend over if you must for moral support and pack him up & get him out. You should not be available to be humiliated by him. And he should not see you crying over him, that only feeds his ego right now.

I would talk to an attorney asap. I know you want him back but getting information now will keep you focused on what may lie ahead. You need to do this. He's the one who said divorce, so ask around, and find the very best family law attorney you can.
Get started taking care of you & your child. Do something extra for yourself too, maybe join a zumba class to get out that extra emotion/sadness/anger in a healthy way. Plus the bonus of that is you'll feel and look great.

If you are holding out hope that he will snap out of it, you stand a better chance of that happening by being unavailable to him. He may realize what a dope he is. He may come to miss you but he can't miss you if you are always around. But don't pin your hopes on that. He is, as you say, infatuated with someone else now so it may take some time for that to wear off so he can see clearly. Again, I'm sorry.
Now, Please take care of you.

Thank you so much NWgirl2013 for taking the time to read my very long post. You are very right with everything that you wrote. It's like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It has been hard and painful but I am working on accepting the fact that it is what it is.

I am beginning to believe that I am probably better not having someone like him in my life. I am somehow thankful that it has happened now that my son still doesn't know what is going on. I guess, I am still a little lost as to what happened to the person I married. He was once an amazing, caring, thoughtful and considerate person but after he go back from his trip he became completely the opposite... I would say, I complete Jerk and an a**hole.

Well, I have the best out of this marriage anyway, my handsome, precious and my forever Love, my SON .

Thank you again and have a great rest of your weekend.

Yep. You're son is worth 10 of his father. What a joy for you to have him! Aren't little boys amazing?! I'm pretty sure you will have Full Custody, and your attorney will ask for this. I agree with you that it is better in a lot of ways that this is happening now.

With all the bad stuff he's done, it seems apparent that he was looking to find someone to lean on, to make it easier on himself when he left you. I think in the old days they used to call a man like this a cad. But a**h*le works too!

You sound stronger today. It is exactly like you said, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. But you are still moving forward. I hope you too have a really lovely day.

I have to agree with what NWgirl said. You are being ABUSED right now! He's walking all over you! How DARE he talk to that bimbo in front of you and saying all those silly things in your face! He's a BIG JERK!

I also agree that you should THROW HIM OUT! He could go live on the streets for all I would care. If she's the love of his life, let her send him the money to live somewhere up here! I'd bet she'd tell him where to go! My guess is she's using him for what she can get. When she's done with him, she'll move on to some other idiot who moves down there and she'll take him for all he's worth.

No, I wouldn't forgive him -- not after this go around. He's more or less slapped you in the face, by flaunting this in front of you. He's shown you NO RESPECT at all. Yes, throw the bum out.

I wish you the very best. I'm SURE you can find a great guy who will love you the way you DESERVE to be loved and cherished! And you'll find a guy who will love and cherish your son too -- and bring him up as his own! I wish you the very best. You'll be better off without THIS idiot. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

Lee & NWgirl2013

Thanks to the two of you! At 1 am he will arrived from South America. I have made up my mind that I will forgive but will not forget. I will not give him a chance if he ever come back to me. I thought about this today and said to myself. If I have to go through pain, I might as well go through it with DIVORCE (at least in the end I can start living life free of all doubts, worries about him doing it again and not being able to trust again) than Giving him a chance and work things out (I can only imagine that I will always worry, ask if he will do it again, I will not live a peaceful life).

I believe that this has happened for a reason. I have faith that something better is going to come out of this for me and my son. I will know the reason one day as to why this has to happen.

I wish him well, I hope that He is right about this Other Woman (as he already claim her as his life, the love he has been waiting for his entire life, his Angel, his soulmate). I truly hope he is right that this 22 years old's intention is same as his. After all, he is the father of my child and I wish him nothing but the best.

Though I have a question.. Is it really possible to fall in love with someone you met at a bar/club this fast?.

Again, Lee & NWgirl2013, Thank you so much! God bless each of you and all of us always.

I couldn't click past this. I too am still hopeful about my un-divorce....

He has really slapped you in the face. Talking to his ***** in front of YOU *and* your SON. That is abuse. Pack his stuff, have it turfed on the lawn, keep anything of value and sell it quietly, and change the locks.

Next thing, the ***** will be moving into your spare bedroom!!

I'm thinking of you, sending you massive hugs, as if that might help.

xxx

Ya know...he can Think its love. It might be. Lust looks a lot like love though. A twenty two year old, who's to say... But for you, He's A Big Dumb Jerk. Thinking with the wrong head is how I think you say it.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I hope his sorry *** is packed my dear, and you plan to keep your own dreams alive without him. I absolutely think there is something wonderful waiting for you in the future. You just needed to do a little house-keeping to get ready.
It's exciting. It's tragic. But it's gonna get better, that is guaranteed!

Brok3n ~ He may THINK he's in love with this "woman" and let him go and screw up his life with her. But I STILL say that once she's gotten what she wants out of him, she'll drop him like a hot potato, and move on to someone else.

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. He won't stop cheating because he saw how easy it was to do with YOU. It's obvious that he doesn't hold women in high regard.

I just KNOW that you will find someone who will cherish you as you deserve! And your SON will have a REAL father who will love and care for him as children should have!

God bless you my friend! Take care and I hope we hear from you again. Hugs, Lee

brok3nh3art3d,

I had a similar situation happen to me, details are different of course but the core parts are kinda the same. It has been 3 years for me, I can say I do not love her at all, but I am still dealing with the pain of the situation....emotionally and financially. I know this doesn't really help at all but I just thought I should say that you are not alone in what has happened to you and others do know how tough it is.

Life goes on. I have accepted the fact that we are really heading for divorce. I think it's just painful to think how he can just fall in love head over heels over someone so quickly. I guess after all, our family doens't mean anything to him. I hope this 22 years old woman (14 years younger than him) is worth everything he has thrown away (our family).

We had out last dinner as a family tonight at OutBack. He is moving out of the house next week. I am hurt but I have to keep telling myself that crying over it is not going to change the situation. A few people told me that he will realize and will try to get back with me one of these days or at least before divorce will be final which will be a year from now. I will not hope and expect for that to happen but if he does, I don't think I can ever take him back after all these.

He told me last night that it bothers him and it hurts him that me and him did not work out and that our family is broken and it bothers him because "He" could have done things in the past that could have made us work. He said, it bothers him and make him sad that we failed. I responded to him that he made it failed, He made a choice and that he chooses to move on with his relationship with this other woman he met at the club and throw our family away, therefore, he has no right to be standing in front of me to tell me that it bothers/hurt him that we did not work out, that our marriage failed because He didn't even give it chance, he chooses to throw it away instead of working out what needed to be worked on.

I am hurt & sad but I have no choice but accept the situation. Never did I think, I will be in this situation. I just need to keep on moving forward and believe that something better is yet to come for me and my son. I have faith that one day, I will be thanking him for letting me go.

I want to thank each of you for taking the time to respond to my post. Your messages means a lot to me.

Your soon to be ex husband appears to be a naive idiot. Usually, 22-y-o women in third world countries are picking up older American guys in bars in an effort to get immigration benefits. There are always exceptions, but that is the rule.

In the case of this particular woman - he was not the best catch for her because he is not single. He still needs to go through the process of the divorce, which will take time, and during that time he might change his mind. But, it was the best she could get.

To reiterate: In addition to all the other bad things about the husband that have been extensively discussed on this thread, he is a naive idiot.

Do you want to be married to a naive idiot?

...

hamster-bamster

You are right. No, as day passes by, I am slowly realizing that I am actually lucky to not be with him any longer. Even if he comes back and want to work things out, I will not give it a chance, knowing that he has already caused so much damaged.

I have forgiven him and I am at peace now. I wish him well and nothing but the best. I have a feeling that this other woman who is 14 years younger will not last and will eventually move on to someone else. There is a huge chance that my soon to be ex husband is facing a the same pain I am facing now.

He met this woman at the club and he already went to see her again and now he is convinced that she is the love he has been waiting for his entire life and that she is the one. (heard this from his friends on FB that he has been expressing his LOVE to this woman and all he get back from her is a Thumbs up or Te Amo and not another word). Oh well, if he gets hurt, its none of my business. I guess one day, he need to feel the pain he has caused me. (wait, he actually already did coz his first wife left him for another man, and I thought he would at least know how it would feel but he is selfish and lost at the very moment).

All I hope is for him to reconnect or work on his bond towards our 10 months old son. He sure is a BIG Jerk. I have no respect left for this man. Too bad I have to deal with him and try to be civil because we have a precious son.

Thank you!

Look, you could not conceive for a while, right?.. Took you 4 years to conceive?

Maybe the problem was on your end, maybe on his end, but, after all of those years of trying and after the 7 months of bed rest and after the post-delivery complications, you HAVE the son and you ARE healthy.

Good news, if you look at it this way!!!

hamster-bamster

I have and always will look at it as Good News and a wonderful blessing! Also, I look at it as my soon to be Ex-husband's purpose in my life is done. He was only meant to be in my life so I can have my precious son and now that I have what I have always wanted & needed then it's time for him to move on.

Absolutely, and to fulfill this purpose he only needed to stay with you for as long as he did (minus a few months, but who cares about that little!)

Warm thoughts!

Hi Brok3: It's been a couple of weeks. I'm just checking in for an update. How are you doing? I know this is devastating. What he did was so hurtful. He had sex (or made love) to you then next day tells you he wants a divorce. Also, I don't believe this girl is the love of his life.

I think he feels he's getting "old" and wants to affirm his manhood. Whatever his reason, his behavior is so disrespectful to you. Are you entitled to ask him to move out? I mean is the house in both names? I'd be curious to his response to you asking him to move out.

One more question and I mean this with all respect: Why do you want him back? I know you say you love him. I'm just asking because I've been hurt by a few men and I still wanted them back (so I thought). But it turned out, after the pain, that I didn't even like who they were as people. Would you ever be friends with your husband if you split?

Also, does your husband have any kind of addictions, ie, cigarettes, food, workaholic, porn?