[Diversion]

I want to preface this as saying I am just ranting. I am certainly not blaming anyone on this site of anything and am not angry at anyone here.

That being said :
You hear people all the time saying "if you are in a bad or abusive relationship you should get out at any cost". Well I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 7years and was married for 5 and now that I am finally trying to imagine leaving it I find myself in dire straights.

No one is offering to help me. My own family seems to think all I need is verbal reaffirmations and a pat on the back now and then.

My husband left and took the car and cell phone. I've had to beg for help to get places to try to find a new place to live because I can't afford to stay in the rundown place I"m in now.

I got my electric bill and it was almost half my income. The local help center told me to bring it in when it was due then told me today that they have no more money to help anyone.

I've had to get everything changed into my name, and will be paying for transfer fees if and when I get my new place.

No one seems to realize that the way the system is set up is horrible for people like me. My credit has been destroyed through years of his compulsiveness and bad decision making. And no one wants to hear that it was someone else's fault.

Yes, I could have left before it got really bad. But what would that say about me as a wife? I wouldn't have been trying to save a marriage. I would have been ducking and running to save my own hide.

Now I am punished for trying to make it work with a man who is clearly mentally unstable. Do I get to be punished and be homeless and end up dead because I chose to love this man?

Think twice is all I'm saying. Before you go telling someone that they should leave , think about what you would be willing to do for that person to see that they don't end up in the gutter after they go.

[sabby]

Diversion, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It's hard enough to get out of an abusive relationship but to have these difficulties as well is like a real kick in the pants times 2.

I lived in an abusive relationship as well and I know how difficult it is to get out of with much self esteem as the abuser does a number on it. I had 2 kids in grammar school as well, plus I worked full time.

If I ever suggest to someone to leave their abuser, I will almost always suggest that they do some planning before they leave, if at all possible. Of course, if it's a matter of life or death, the planning stage must be ignored until after one is out of the situation.

Do you have any agencies in your state that assists those who have been abused? Churches are really good places to go to for help as well. Many times they will help with paying a utility bill, helping with rent or security deposits, medications, food and clothing. I find it best when having to look for help to network as much as possible. Ask the churches if they know of other agencies or help out there for you to look into.

Sometimes welfare departments, both city/town and state may be helpful. Many times, city/town welfare depts. will help with living expenses. When being stranded with bills no matter what the reason, call who you owe money to and ask to set up a payment schedule with them. Let them know that you are in a difficult situation and you know that you have not made good choices in the past but that you WANT to pay the bill.

If you are seeing a therapist, ask him/her if they have information of assistance that's available.

What you are doing and going through is hard, there is no doubt about it. I had to remind myself often why I got out and that the difficulties would have been much worse had I stayed. I made up my mind to buckle down, swallow hard and take baby steps towards my independence. I can say without one little shred of doubt that no matter how hard it was, it was the most liberating and freeing thing I had ever done for myself and my children.

Remember, right now you are also grieving. Even bad relationships, when ended have a grieving period that we go through. We grieve because we are seeing something fail that we never expected to fail. Sometimes we miss the abuser. Knowing what we were up against with an abuser can be more comforting than the unknown of what we are going to go through once we've left the situation. But, just because we may feel that way is in no way saying we should go back......life is for moving forward, not going backwards.

I hope that at least some of what I've said here has helped you. We have to be our own best advocates in this life, even when doing so is painful and tiring and frustrating. Keep in mind why you left and that all good things are possible when we work towards them!

Wishing you well....

[Leed]

That really SUCKS. HE needs to pay some of this, darn it! He hasn't been deemed "insane" right?

Then he needs to give you some money!!! For you to be left like this is ridiculous! How are you supposed to pay those bills?

So he's "mentally unstable." Who among us isn't "unstable?" Aren't we all a bit unstable? Why should HE get off scott free because he's "unstable?"

It isn't fair, darn it and I don't give a rats behind who says what. Someone needs to help you!

[intergalactictraveler]

Short story: I'm on SSDI for untreatable ultra rapid cycling bipolar. Been in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship/marriage for 21 years. My wife has a good federal pension, owns the house, a property in Florida and I signed a pre-nup before the marriage. Getting out of the marriage is the easy part, if I don't mind living in my van.

Just making a point that there are men, too, who can't work or don't have the financial resources to start their life over. Whether a woman or man in a bad marriage, it's enough to send you over the edge.

[Diversion]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Short story: I'm on SSDI for untreatable ultra rapid cycling bipolar. Been in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship/marriage for 21 years. My wife has a good federal pension, owns the house, a property in Florida and I signed a pre-nup before the marriage. Getting out of the marriage is the easy part, if I don't mind living in my van.

Just making a point that there are men, too, who can't work or don't have the financial resources to start their life over. Whether a woman or man in a bad marriage, it's enough to send you over the edge.

I didn't mean to imply that it only happens to women. I'm just frustrated at the whole situation. If you had told me 8 years ago that this is where i'd be now I would have laughed. I'm not laughing now though.

The hard part for me to deal with is the fact that when we met, I was going back to college after 10 years. When he decided to blow the popsickle stand that was my hometown, I took out a student loan to pay for our expenses. I still owe that. I can't even go back to school until I take care of it.

I had a pretty bright future ahead of me and I threw it all away for the person I though would love me forever and would never leave me hanging. How wrong I was.

[healingme4me]

I found that the issue with assistance from the system, is that if legally married, they consider the income of the spouse. Is that, your trouble with the system, now?

Another thing, can you set up a payment plan with the electric company? I've done it before, what they can do, is extend the payments over a two year period, provided that you make the monthly payments on time each and every month. I set up for auto-pay through my bank to get that accomplished.

And, I sooo hear you about those, that would say that you didn't try everything possible to make the marriage work. How invalidating to your personal experience, is that?

Originally Posted by Diversion

I want to preface this as saying I am just ranting. I am certainly not blaming anyone on this site of anything and am not angry at anyone here.

That being said :
You hear people all the time saying "if you are in a bad or abusive relationship you should get out at any cost". Well I've been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 7years and was married for 5 and now that I am finally trying to imagine leaving it I find myself in dire straights.

No one is offering to help me. My own family seems to think all I need is verbal reaffirmations and a pat on the back now and then.

My husband left and took the car and cell phone. I've had to beg for help to get places to try to find a new place to live because I can't afford to stay in the rundown place I"m in now.

I got my electric bill and it was almost half my income. The local help center told me to bring it in when it was due then told me today that they have no more money to help anyone.

I've had to get everything changed into my name, and will be paying for transfer fees if and when I get my new place.

No one seems to realize that the way the system is set up is horrible for people like me. My credit has been destroyed through years of his compulsiveness and bad decision making. And no one wants to hear that it was someone else's fault.

Yes, I could have left before it got really bad. But what would that say about me as a wife? I wouldn't have been trying to save a marriage. I would have been ducking and running to save my own hide.

Now I am punished for trying to make it work with a man who is clearly mentally unstable. Do I get to be punished and be homeless and end up dead because I chose to love this man?

Think twice is all I'm saying. Before you go telling someone that they should leave , think about what you would be willing to do for that person to see that they don't end up in the gutter after they go.

[MeaCulpa]

Diversion, I am aware of the problem. I am currently looking at my legal rights to what and the whole ball of wax. Look into your legal rights and options and see if there is anything there for you.

Think twice is all I'm saying. Before you go telling someone that they should leave , think about what you would be willing to do for that person to see that they don't end up in the gutter after they go.

Correct. The "Just Leave" advice is a tad trite. Reality is quite a bit more complex.

[Diversion]

Originally Posted by MeaCulpa

Correct. The "Just Leave" advice is a tad trite. Reality is quite a bit more complex.

Yes MeaCulpa, it is much more complex.

Today is our 5 yr wedding anniversary and I just got a rejection letter from the apartment I was trying to get into. And on top of that a disconnection notice from the electric company. They said they couldn't set up a payment plan for me and I can't get the electric transferred to a new place even if I found one if I have a past due balance. So....not feeling too optimistic today.

Oh and I'm trying to get my body adjusted to being on Lithium again so the nerves are not that great to start with. I haven't been on any meds for my BP for over 5 yrs. I've also gone off of the medication for my RLS and insomnia to make sure the Lithium is going to do ok. So my sleep has suffered the last couple of nights.

Ya know, I have been trying to be optimistic the last few days because of the ones suffering in Oklahoma. I know I have no right to feel sorry for myself given that so many have lost so much , but days like today make it really hard to keep my chin up.

[healingme4me]

So sorry your electric company is that hardcore about payment plans. I just had to set one up for myself, as a single mom.

Today would have been my 11th anniversary, for your 5th.

Have you tried getting your name on a waiting list with your local HUD?

Are there other places, that you have looked into? Some private landlords, will only require looking at recent paystubs and take a downpayment.

Hang in there

Originally Posted by Diversion

Yes MeaCulpa, it is much more complex.

Today is our 5 yr wedding anniversary and I just got a rejection letter from the apartment I was trying to get into. And on top of that a disconnection notice from the electric company. They said they couldn't set up a payment plan for me and I can't get the electric transferred to a new place even if I found one if I have a past due balance. So....not feeling too optimistic today.

Oh and I'm trying to get my body adjusted to being on Lithium again so the nerves are not that great to start with. I haven't been on any meds for my BP for over 5 yrs. I've also gone off of the medication for my RLS and insomnia to make sure the Lithium is going to do ok. So my sleep has suffered the last couple of nights.

Ya know, I have been trying to be optimistic the last few days because of the ones suffering in Oklahoma. I know I have no right to feel sorry for myself given that so many have lost so much , but days like today make it really hard to keep my chin up.

[Diversion]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

So sorry your electric company is that hardcore about payment plans. I just had to set one up for myself, as a single mom.

Today would have been my 11th anniversary, for your 5th.

Have you tried getting your name on a waiting list with your local HUD?

Are there other places, that you have looked into? Some private landlords, will only require looking at recent paystubs and take a downpayment.

Hang in there

I talked to my current landlord and he said he might have something coming up next week. If that doesn't work out my sister said I could stay with her till i find something and use her storage unit.
It sucks for me right now because if I were lucky enough to get a part time job in this small town, my extra medical coverage would stop. That extra coverage is the only way for me to get the dental work that I need. And it is not optional work, I mean half of my teeth need to be pulled because I haven't been able to afford a dentist when my husband and I were together so the thin enamel on my teeth has all but disappeared. So before I get a horrible abcess or break another one off completely it needs to be done.
But everything around here accept for low-income housing (which is what i was turned down for) is half my monthly income.
I have one more week here before I gotta be out. I'm really hoping things start looking up.

[healingme4me]

How soon, can you get your dental work done? As soon, as you can, you can then get the part time job, or is an extra part time job?

The vengeful side of me, would turn around, file for divorce on abandonment reasons and then sue him for all these little extra bills that he stiffed you with. But that's me...

[healingme4me]

Your husband isn't responsible for your health insurance?! I claused that into my divorce, I have MS, and that was something that was worded, that if he purposely left his employer, he'd still be responsible for MY health insurance. And Massachusetts doesn't play around, if he stiffs me or the kids, he pays or goes to jail.

My landlord, worked something out with me, to pay him weekly. In essence, the child support payments, which I made sure were immediately garnished from his paycheck, can't trust him to pay bills timely, are what pays the rent for me. Yes, I put my name on a waiting list, for low income vouchers, however, at the moment, rent is in no way covered by my employment. I do have a son who receives SSI, for his disability.

I do receive a small amount of food stamps. Electric is on the low income rate, however, that's not that huge of a difference. To start the payment plan, I needed to make a downpayment, that I can afford, just got behind, because my ex did stiff me with cable. Which I have cut back to internet only. He verbally promised there, but that's OK because when he went to buy the XBOX for the oldest's birthday, like promised, he discovered, I said, well, then, we are even now, aren't we, when he expected a half pay from me, on that . Which, in the winter months, just push back the electric, because it's illegal to cut off during winter months, hence, the payment plan now. It's about $30 more a month, to get me through the year, that was how I reworked that bill.

Is there an eviction on your chart? Is that why low income denied you? Was that through marriage?!

If divorce, is an option, a pro-bono attorney could clause a whole bunch of stuff in there, and perhaps try to clear up whatever credit was destroyed because you were married to a man that abandoned you and is obviously leaving you homeless and in a serious jam.

Originally Posted by Diversion

I talked to my current landlord and he said he might have something coming up next week. If that doesn't work out my sister said I could stay with her till i find something and use her storage unit.
It sucks for me right now because if I were lucky enough to get a part time job in this small town, my extra medical coverage would stop. That extra coverage is the only way for me to get the dental work that I need. And it is not optional work, I mean half of my teeth need to be pulled because I haven't been able to afford a dentist when my husband and I were together so the thin enamel on my teeth has all but disappeared. So before I get a horrible abcess or break another one off completely it needs to be done.
But everything around here accept for low-income housing (which is what i was turned down for) is half my monthly income.
I have one more week here before I gotta be out. I'm really hoping things start looking up.

[avlady]

You are in such a hard place to be right now, i can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, just to not even worry. I think HUD is a good place to start, can't anyone doanything because you are on medications? If a last resort maybe you can spend some time in the hospital until you get everything straight and in order, i know when i was in the hospital for a medication change, everything was set up for me and we worked all out.

[Diversion]

Thank you for your support and trying to help out with ideas. Honesty my nerves have been so shot that I can't barely remember to take my medications twice a day.
I have made some calls but there are a few more I can make. I'm holding off staying with my sister because I do not want to put any stress on her. She's a nurse and works 12's so she's exhausted all the time. But I am keeping that as a last resort.
We did agree to keep this civil. I am not making excuses for him , but if I don't keep my end of that what kind of karmic whiplash will result for me? I"ve been through one divorce before and it got pretty messy. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to be a doormat either so idk.

This week will be the last week for me to figure out something. My landlord has a much cheaper place that might be open next week so I am waiting to hear from him. He's aware of my situation and knows I got left with everything to handle.

I will inquire about the resources for women in this situation. Maybe I can get some help on a few things.

I have already taken one small check from the church assoc. around here and it was not easy. I am an athiest and I feel like a hypocrit for leaning on a religious organization for help.

I'm going to keep trying.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Your husband isn't responsible for your health insurance?! I claused that into my divorce, I have MS, and that was something that was worded, that if he purposely left his employer, he'd still be responsible for MY health insurance. And Massachusetts doesn't play around, if he stiffs me or the kids, he pays or goes to jail.

My landlord, worked something out with me, to pay him weekly. In essence, the child support payments, which I made sure were immediately garnished from his paycheck, can't trust him to pay bills timely, are what pays the rent for me. Yes, I put my name on a waiting list, for low income vouchers, however, at the moment, rent is in no way covered by my employment. I do have a son who receives SSI, for his disability.

I do receive a small amount of food stamps. Electric is on the low income rate, however, that's not that huge of a difference. To start the payment plan, I needed to make a downpayment, that I can afford, just got behind, because my ex did stiff me with cable. Which I have cut back to internet only. He verbally promised there, but that's OK because when he went to buy the XBOX for the oldest's birthday, like promised, he discovered, I said, well, then, we are even now, aren't we, when he expected a half pay from me, on that . Which, in the winter months, just push back the electric, because it's illegal to cut off during winter months, hence, the payment plan now. It's about $30 more a month, to get me through the year, that was how I reworked that bill.

Is there an eviction on your chart? Is that why low income denied you? Was that through marriage?!

If divorce, is an option, a pro-bono attorney could clause a whole bunch of stuff in there, and perhaps try to clear up whatever credit was destroyed because you were married to a man that abandoned you and is obviously leaving you homeless and in a serious jam.

[Diversion]

The housing I was applying for and got turned down for was HUD housing. I haven't contacted HUD directly but you can see why I would be doubtful of that option.
I have thought about hospitalization but right now I'm at such a critical point in finding new housing I feel like I might be cutting off my own foot in doing that. What if I go in and my landlord gets rid of my stuff thinking I ditched it? This might be an option if I use my sis's storage unit for my things till I get out though.
Also, my daughter's father (my first husband) has been in and out of jail for a year or so and I want my daughter to come live with me full time. I fear this might really hurt my chances of getting custody instead of the joint custody we share now if I am hospitalized. Just trying to cover all my bases these days.
I've made so many bad choices in the last few years. I don't want to make any more because of emotions that are temporary.

Originally Posted by avlady

You are in such a hard place to be right now, i can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, just to not even worry. I think HUD is a good place to start, can't anyone doanything because you are on medications? If a last resort maybe you can spend some time in the hospital until you get everything straight and in order, i know when i was in the hospital for a medication change, everything was set up for me and we worked all out.

[healingme4me]

HUD is such a tough route to go, this I know. When I wanted to leave, before I filed for my divorce, I was met with disdain, as in why doesn't he just leave rhetoric that I received. Believe me, I had tried many times to get him to leave. The two restraining orders over the marriage, didn't get the full years worth, just the temporary 14 day stay away orders.

I have to settle, right now, for paying rent that is approximately 43% of my income, yeah...all the 'suggestions' out there say 33%, but um, reality bites.

I really hope your landlord can come through for you. I hear you, about not wanting to jeopardize your custody case, by being hospitalized, and even after that, would your housing crisis be made worse or better?

There's so little out there. Had you been on a waiting list, before getting denied? I wish my HUD would speed up their process. My employee told me that one town over from me, the waiting is about 15months, if not longer. And that city is far poorer than where I live.

Until then, it's scrape and save and budget. And for you, perhaps, while in limbo, clear up that electric in order to get lights at your next place

Originally Posted by Diversion

The housing I was applying for and got turned down for was HUD housing. I haven't contacted HUD directly but you can see why I would be doubtful of that option.
I have thought about hospitalization but right now I'm at such a critical point in finding new housing I feel like I might be cutting off my own foot in doing that. What if I go in and my landlord gets rid of my stuff thinking I ditched it? This might be an option if I use my sis's storage unit for my things till I get out though.
Also, my daughter's father (my first husband) has been in and out of jail for a year or so and I want my daughter to come live with me full time. I fear this might really hurt my chances of getting custody instead of the joint custody we share now if I am hospitalized. Just trying to cover all my bases these days.
I've made so many bad choices in the last few years. I don't want to make any more because of emotions that are temporary.

[Diversion]

Thank you for sharing. I waited for about a month to find out the decision on the HUD housing apartment. It made me mad because she didn't even call to tell me, just a letter in the mail.
I think my landlord will work with me...hopefully. If not I am ok at this point with living with my sister until I can save up some money and maybe get the dental work done. I'll just have to see how it goes.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

HUD is such a tough route to go, this I know. When I wanted to leave, before I filed for my divorce, I was met with disdain, as in why doesn't he just leave rhetoric that I received. Believe me, I had tried many times to get him to leave. The two restraining orders over the marriage, didn't get the full years worth, just the temporary 14 day stay away orders.

I have to settle, right now, for paying rent that is approximately 43% of my income, yeah...all the 'suggestions' out there say 33%, but um, reality bites.

I really hope your landlord can come through for you. I hear you, about not wanting to jeopardize your custody case, by being hospitalized, and even after that, would your housing crisis be made worse or better?

There's so little out there. Had you been on a waiting list, before getting denied? I wish my HUD would speed up their process. My employee told me that one town over from me, the waiting is about 15months, if not longer. And that city is far poorer than where I live.

Until then, it's scrape and save and budget. And for you, perhaps, while in limbo, clear up that electric in order to get lights at your next place