Lonely after separation

I am already feeling lonely. I know (mentally) that I can't stay with someone who is constantly criticizing and belittling me. Yet I miss having someone to talk to. Not that my conversations were ever really appreciated. I always ran the risk of being attacked if I said anything to him.

I don't know how to move on. What to do, how to meet new friends, how to quit wondering if he misses me at all. This must be all crazy codependent stuff. I need a new perspective and maybe.. more mature outlook. Or something. Any suggestions?

FYI, I'm not young... I'm sixty. This was a seven year relationship that ended a week ago when I told him I never wanted to see him again. I moved 700 miles away the next day, so I won't see him. But how do I start over? I don't ever want another boyfriend... I could never trust a man enough after what I just went through. I thought he was the love of my life and he turned out to be a narcissist.

Perfectly normal for you to be feeling the way that you are. These are such early days and I would imagine that you need to give yourself time to grieve the loss just as if it were a death. You are bound to go through the highs and lows of it all and there will be a lot of feelings to confront - loneliness, regret, self doubt, sadness, relief, betrayal etc and the list goes on. Accept each for what they are and ride the feelings like a wave, knowing that they will come and pass with the passage of time. You have a wonderfully supportive community here on PC so take full advantage of it. Stop speculating about the future and try and stay focused on the here and now since such speculations will only give rise to a lot of unnecessary emotions at this stage. Focus on YOU and your well being and take each day slowly as it comes. I thought my H was the love of my life as well and never expected him to treat me in an abusive way. Although I am still together with him I wish I had the courage and ability to leave the relationship. From that perspective you should be celebrating the fact that you are finally free to be who you really are. Just remember - no contact is the best way to handle it because every time there is contact it will just derail you. Remember, a narcissist can never be in the wrong or have done anything wrong, so he will be trying his hardest to undermine the little confidence you have. Best of luck.

Thanks, Jannaku... I appreciate the feedback. I just got my internet connected today, so maybe I'll be here more often from here on in. This is a wonderfully supportive community for which I'm very grateful.

Right now I'm feeling co-dependent. I can't stop wondering how he's doing, if he got moved into his van alright, or if he's still living in a tent, or if he found someone else to move in with. Of course since I'm 700 miles away I won't know... there has been no contact. I only know what my friend emailed to me that he was having trouble getting his van out of storage. That kind of set me off... into thinking he might still be living in the tent I gave him just before we split up. But why should I even care? That's what I'd like to know. I wish I could stop thinking about him entirely.

I thought about telling my friend I didn't want to hear anything else about him, then realized I can't do that yet, because it isn't true. In fact, I want to know everything. But I don't want to be around him anymore. How sick is that? I don't know why I can't stop these obsessive thoughts.

Meanwhile my situation is much better - I was able to move into a very nice apartment and have everything I need.

He was the love of your life and you turned out to have abandonment issues - might be a more accurate or useful way of looking at it? If you keep blaming the demise of the relationship on what was wrong with him, then the next relationship is also out of your cobtrol. I'm your age and just starting to get a handle on my own abandonment issues, so I'm totally walking in your footsteps. Or I would be, if I weren't standing by the side of the road like a deer caught in the headlights.

I can relate to your obsessive desire to want to know what is going on from his side. Many years ago I had the misfortune of having a sociopath in my life. He lived with our family for 18 months and was destructive beyond words. When he finally left I was angry, felt completely betrayed, used and abused, etc, etc. I was seething with anger. One would think that once he was out of our life that would be that and that I would be relieved and thankful. Yes I was, but I was also obsessed with knowing where he was and how he was doing. I actually wanted to hear that he was in prison or something like that and in a sick and perverted sort of way it would have made me feel better to know that justice had prevailed. It took many months for me to stop thinking about him and now I rarely do. I still hear about his whereabouts from friends from time to time and I am still waiting to hear that the authorities have caught up with this lying con artist. You have a lot of anger inside of you which you need to process. He has betrayed you big time and it will take some time to get over it. In the meantime I think your feelings are completely normal so don't agonize over them too much. You wouldn't be normal if you could just switch off thinking about him since the experience has been a significant life event. Take it easy and take each day as it comes. As time goes on it will get easier.

I was married for 20yrs to someone I had to leave...I still, more so as I age (am also 60) find myself having fantasies of reunion, change that cannot occur, wanting to know (we have adult children and occasional contact).....and I recently had a 'relationship' that triggered all the very old stuff.....it has been very hard to let go of this person who did not help me or treat me well as he lacked empathy, unable to reciprocate, left me almost broke financially,
I don't understand what he triggered in me that caused this, it has taken over a year to feel that finally I am letting go of something crazy making....
I have set goals for the rest of my life that are important enough to me that I don't think anyone can interfere. I also am staying to myself, good and bad, and decided I want just a few friends and no more lovers. Relationships, for me, have nearly always interfered with my own plans. I don't need that again. It has taken a long time but I feel I am really starting to move in the right direction for me. My heart goes out, my thoughts also. Hang in there. It is a very painful transition...

Winter4me, same here... no more relationships. I've had enough! I think if it was ever going to work out for me to have a good relationship, it would have already happened. So I give up on that. And you're also right that it interferes with my plans, and my ability to develop into the person I am meant to be.

Hankster, it is true that I had abandonment issues. But it is also true that the relationship ended because of his big mouth and the evil things that came out of it... his lack of respect killed our relationship. I didn't deserve what he did to belittle and distress me. You said, "If you keep blaming the demise of the relationship on what was wrong with him, then the next relationship is also out of your control." That may be... but since it is extremely doubtful that I'd ever again trust any man enough to have a relationship, I'm not likely to do that again. The end of our relationship really was his fault. No woman should have to endure what I had to endure from him.

My daughter said, "Don't worry Mom, it wasn't you, it was him."

A more unlikely source, a neighbor who I barely knew, who was recently released from prison, said, "I don't know why he treated you so badly; you're lucky to be away from him." Apparently he'd heard the many tongue lashings and insults and criticisms. My ex had a loud voice. That was said to me the day I left town.

Jannaku, thanks for pointing out that this is normal. It is painful though, and I want it to end. I've been taking five mile walks. The walks are painful too, but they help take my mind off my distress. I'm sorry to hear it took months to stop thinking about the man that abused you. I know from past experience that it takes about a year for me to recover from a relationship. This one is especially difficult because I loved him so deeply and was betrayed and injured (by his verbal outbursts) to the same degree.

But you will move on, and you will have this time to have a good life for Yourself! Hugs & Best of Everything that you choose to do!

we get comfurtable and forget to be nice... some time away from each other may make things better if you do get back together but make a list of daily things that must be done by both to make it work...

starting over may not be the right idea