Finally free? Or not?

Basically, I have been beating myself up, blaming myself, stressed out, not paying attention to my particular needs, feeling suicial, I've been very depressed. I haven't been doing anything except go through day by day doing nothing, rotting on my bed and sleeping the pain away, for a very, very long time. I didn't bother counting how long. This was all because of my ex who has found someone else and is trying to be friends with me, even though I desperately needed to rebuild my life. He was trying to be nice to me, but I couldn't take it anymore. The nicer he was, the stronger his grip on me and I couldn't move on. Does anyone ever feel that way?

Everytime I see his name on facebook I just want to puke and die. One night, I cried more than usual, the type of crying was "can't even breathe and my sides hurt so bad and need to vomit but can't stop crying and spewing" kind. I finally blocked him on facebook. It may not be a big step to some, but it was a very, very big step for me. Facebook to me, i have associated it with a lot of memories with him. He must hate me a lot right now. Truthfully, I feel a little scared. I feel curious about his life (and I force myself not to, because it will only hurt more)...right now, I feel empty. I don't know what to do if I should meet him in real life. I feel empty, a void with nothing in it. Previously there was pain, now there's nothing. I don't know if it's good or not, but I have a bad feeling about this.

Any thoughts, advice, opinion,feedback....please. Regarding dealing with myself, or anything relevant.

Is there a counselor, in your area, that you could see? Your post sounds like a very deep depression, I'm not an expert, other than having depression myself, hence, the recommend.

How long, ago, was the break up? How long, were you, together for? I don't think, it's a good thing, for him, to try to be your friend, after leaving you, for another. Blocking fb, after a break up, is a sound decision.

Sorry, you are struggling so much.

I don't know if it's counted as a break up. It was never official, and we broke up last year. But it became an on-off thing and we could never make up our minds (he even found someone else along the way and said we should be friends again and again), i tried to avoid him and all he ever did was get angry at me for doing so. Eventually he became nicer, and I tried to be civil. Now we don't get to see each other again because we're not attending the same school anymore, both of us graduated, he's going overseas. And i took this oppurtunity to cut him off once and for all.

There are still residual feelings I'm trying to get rid of. He's never going to make up his mind. I don't want him on my life. I don't care what his friends or family thinks. And yes, I think I'm having depression....but I don't think I can get my parents to bring me anywhere for therapy or check-up. I don't even know if I'm depressed. But I guess seeing anything that reminds me of him making me want to wrench my heart out and smash it open is kinda depressing. What if I'm just lazy? That's what people around me would probably say. Or sick. I'd love to think I'm depressed. Because if this is normal, life isn't worth living..

Sorry for the lengthy post. Thank you for your reply...

The break-up was last year. It became on-off, so I guess you can say there wasn't actually an official break-up after that. And then on the last week of school, he made it clear that we shouldn't be together since he's going overseas. I guess that should count as a break-up. It felt like one. How am I supposed to feel broken..when it feels like my heart was never whole..

We were together only for a few weeks. i didn't wanna make it too serious. He emotionally manipulated me for a bout a year after that few-week relationship, using my guilt. I've never realised it, until I joined this forum and read about people like that. i blamed myself too much.

I saw an on-campus counselor, when I was in college. My parents never knew.

I had this bf, started dating in hs, then carried over into the college years. It was up and down. And, tried to break it off. Then, the friends thing, and it seemed like every time, I tried to pull away, as he was pushing away, then he'd call and want to talk. then it was like a similar, repeated pattern. I remember the final 'break up', I had a most hysterical reaction to the ordeal, perhaps over the top, for me.

It's not easy. No matter, the duration of time. Some ppl, just grab a hold of us, at vulnerable times, in our lives.

YES...similar thing is happening to me. Thank you so much for sharing. Makes me feel not so alone. How did you cope with it? What happened to the both of you? What did you do in the end?

I'm trying to recall, the exact year of the break up. (it get's a little yo-yo'ey, even with the break up) Break up occurs, over spring break. He disappeared for the week, no contact. I remember, trying to find out, where did he disappear to. Comes home, shoots me off an e-mail. Had gone, for the week, to visit a girl, at another school. He and I did not attend the same college. I recall, visiting him, during his finals week, as my stepgrandmother lived in the same town, that he went to school at, and I was visiting family. Guess, who typed up, all this papers. Can learn much, typing and editing as you go along, he was dx's with dyslexia, at some point at the end of HS.

Was invited to his graduation, even attended with his dad, grandmother and new gf. We were supposed to be bffs, on top of it all.

The breakup itself, I recall crying for days. Still had to work and study and function. At some point, he travelled abroad, to Japan, to finish a class. At that point, I was already, working, and out of school. He had a delay, in graduating, if I recall. He had to take some time off from school, to deal with the ailing health of his father. I met someone, while he was abroad. He became engaged. His dad passed away, before I even graduated. I attended the funeral. My stepfather, had ailing health, and passed away, he wasn't in attendance, nor there for me, through that. We'd made a pact, to stand by one another, as my stepdad's cancer struggles started in hs; his dad's illnesses were in hs, as well.

Then I met my exh. And I cut off, all communication. Not being my friend through my struggles was a huge part of the cutting ties. When I'd been more than a friend to him, through all of his. Visiting his dad in the hospital, during many stays, even being on the phone with his dad, about a day before his passing. I was part of the family. His dad, thought of me, like a daughter.

Saw his aunt, a couple years ago. She met my children. She didn't say much about her nephew.

There was a time, several years back, I tried, the whole fb thing with him. Someone, on his friends list, who married his best guy friend and best man, made some snide comment about something that happened in hs. I deleted him. Enough was enough.

Wow, yours was really complicated. And much longer than mine. And so much more sad. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry to make you bring it up, and thank you for replying to my thread.

I'm so glad you met someone else. That's right. Cut him off your life. That was the right thing to do, and still is. I'm hoping I did the right thing as well.

Thank you. Your replies meant a lot to me.

Wish you best of luck in future endeavors.

As cliché as it reads, you'll know you did right, for yourself, when looking back at things, a few years removed, from it.

There was a thread here, around the time, that I first joined, I wish I could find for you to read through. It was about contacting an old flame, from years and years past. The gist, was, the experience, of the reconnection, confirmed why it was the right thing, to have left in the past. It was just a nagging, lingering, what if, type of scenario. I only participated, in that thread, didn't start it.

Stories, like what was on that thread, are sometimes, beneficial, in the healing process, of moving forward and moving on, from someone, who just isn't right for you.

Hope, all is well for you, in the future, too.