Floored

So I asked my husband for a timeline of his use of pornography because he has been insistent that he hasn't been using since Christmas. I however have evidence that he has been actively using via facebook (which is the only way he can access it at work because they have blocking up... I had no idea that stuff was even accessible on facebook) below is his timeline. And I have pages of proof that he's lying. I'm so sad and mad and befuddled. The lying hasn't stopped!

"Nov/Dec Movies on the secret phone.

Mid/Late Feb Hit a wall in recovery, looked at bikini clad women online at work for a few days. Disclosed to group.

Late march/april extremely hard to stay sober. I think we talked and I had asked that we come closer and that I wanted to work towards getting out of the doghouse/other bedroom because of the difficultly I was having. I fantasized about you after that, Later I watched some garbage on TV, wasn't pornographic as you said. Porn for me is about a smiling face that makes me feel good about me and so I in that regard it absolutely the same thing. It isn't even really about the sex at all. Porn is just a more reliable and steady source than the crap on TV. I believe around this time you met with Anthony to discuss my slip.

April Made plans to have a date night. I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a Emma themed meal/movie time to work on being together. The morning of we both agreed to move it to another night because of the kids. Major trigger. I recorded the crap on the TV while you were gone in the afternoon. You received the text meant for my accountability partner.

Separation- Masturbated to fantasies about you a few days after the meeting when you said you were leaning towards divorce. During the separation I did briefly look at porn for 20 minutes, felt sick to my stomach, wanted to vomit, no erection. Did not touch myself at all. Contacted accountability partner and have disclosed to group. Have not had struggles with wanting to look at it since. Main issue has been not fantasizing and objectifying you to medicate.


I do view fantasizing about you and acting on it as a break from sobriety because it is not real even though they are all memories. It is my brain trying to get it's fix and the way for the devil to get in the door. My triggers I included because I want you to know how relational my struggle is. Do not take it is as blame. I am responsible for my actions in choosing to do what I have done. To use an example I have heard before blaming you for my acting out would be the same as hitting you with a car, getting out and yelling at you for denting my fender while you lay there bleeding out with every bone in your body broken from being blindsided."

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you must feel betrayed by his lies...he probably needs treatment.....the question is, what are you going to do? you cant continue to be violated.

Supposedly he's been receiving treatment for months even before I asked him to move out. I'm going to confront it and then I'm not sure. It's probably time to be done

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How does he treat you, otherwise?

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Poorly. Significant emotional verbal abuse. His mood swings are horrendous. He's very condescending

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I get mood swings, and how awful it is to live with. Sounds like more than just his obsession with pornography. It's like peeling an onion, layer by layer.
I get when we choose living a life with a person, tolerance of habits and quirks is one thing, to add a personality to the mix, of a person unwilling to mind those fluctuations, something that falls in line, with 'i didn't sign up for this'.
What's your next step?

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He's an admitted sex addict. And I would be willing to work through accept he's still continuously lying to me, to his therapist and his recovery group. The lying is what I'm done with. I'm currently pursuing my options. According to the timeline aside from a small slip up in may he's been clean for 6 months. I have documented evidence that that is a lie

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It's tough to have trust, when there's lack of truth. For me, it'd be more than lying to cover shame of addiction, it would be everything else above and beyond. How treated, etc.

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Absolutely. The biggest issue is the continual lying

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I asked my husband to move out at the end of March. I felt sad reading what you wrote.

We have many issues (e.g., he disappears and won't talk to me for days; and he abuses meth and alcohol) and one of them is his use of pornography. He never admitted it; I always found it through snooping. On his phone, on his laptop, on his iPad, on our cable bill. I can relate to what you said about being willing to work through the pornography use, if only he would be honest.

I had an appointment with a divorce attorney for the beginning of March, but I cancelled it because I didn't really want a divorce. I made another appointment for June 17, but I cancelled it on June 13.

As sad as it is, it is comforting to read a post I can really relate to.

I can completely understand. Unfortunately it's the lying that makes it so much worse. He's lying to everyone not just me. I'm so sorry. I can completely relate to your feelings. I pray you don't have to involve children as I do. It makes it that much harder to decide what to do.

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Divorce is a tough decision, especially with children involved. Irreconcilable differences, to me, symbolizes lack of functionality in the home. If one parent disregards the other parent continually, the older the children become, the more insidious everything becomes. Children mirror behavior. And will mirror the disrespectful behavior and the older they get, harder to break them of it. Watching a friend, colleague experiencing the painful repercussions after the end of a 20year marriage. She's desperately saddened, as her kids aren't kindly towards her.
Within the year, her ex, already with new live in. Hmmm.
Waiting too long, to know, can be too long to decide.
Mine was more than verbal, it was physically abusive. My children, young enough to see me and him as separate entities.
Good luck on deciding.

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I agree. It's certainly not a decision to make lightly. Hence why I haven't just pulled the plug yet

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I made another appointment with the divorce attorney for July 1st, after he disappeared for four days and turned off his phone.

musicalsweety, what keeps you with your husband?

Also, just curious, random questions, is he passive aggressive or does he stonewall? I was reading articles about the passive aggressive spouse and stonewalling and they reminded me of my husband. He is a gentle, wonderful person in so many ways. I am learning about boundaries and taking responsibility for my life and choices. It's hard to leave someone who does so many things that I enjoy and appreciate and respect, and we have great compatibility. I am just realizing how true it is that a marriage isn't only about great sex, laughter, compatibility, common interests, etc.; it's about being partners in a way that nourishes both of you. And him abandoning me for a week whenever I get snappy or critical and it hurts his feelings puts my life on hold. It may seem petty when I type it out, but it's really damaging and disrespectful and it isn't likely to stop.

We have an 11 month old daughter together.

I am sorry for hijacking your thread. I want to talk to you, though, so anything you want to say I am interested in.

We have two boys. Well one I had previously but he's the only father my oldest has known. So in terms of how it will affect them that has been my driving force to keep is together. However with the continual lying I will probably be filing in the next couple of weeks once I can get my affairs in order. Which is extremely unfortunate. My faith is also extremely important to me and I wanted to make sure I had biblical grounds before I file

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I would say he's extremely passive aggressive

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These are equally as important as constant lying.....but I definitely understand how the lying seems to top everything when it comes to deciding for a divorce.....if you can't trust your H.....then you can't have a loving marriage that is Biblically sound either.

My H's lies would come through silence....if he didn't say anything then he wasn't lying even though not saying anything by virtue of the silence saying there was nothing wrong lied just as much as if he had said there was nothing wrong (his issues are financial).......33 years on no communication.......the straw finally broke when I was again financially independent after my mother died to LEAVE HIM. That was 7 years ago while working through an IRS situation....but NOW that's over & I'm free to push through the divorce.

He was never there emotionally either....in his own Sci Fiction world. I think I finally know the reason for his behavior after all these years....but it's NOT something I can live with as so many bad feelings & anger have built over the years that just trying to deal with him this last week (& never successfully communicating) set off the anxiety level big time.

I understand the Biblical aspect of the divorce also.....I'm looking at my situation & I have no interest in getting married ever again....but there are times I really wish I could find a NORMAL person & could have a NORMAL marriage. Even though it's hard to define NORMAL after seeing my parents so totally dysfunctional & then living with a dysfunctional person in a dysfunctional marriage of my own.......think I'm better off alone & since there is no adultery involved in the divorce on either side......there are definitely other issues that can drive a marriage to divorce & finances & lying are a huge part of those issues.

Yea my counselor sent me this really great article about divorce in the church. I consider the long standing affair with himself and pornography to be long term adultery as does my pastor and counselor.

The reality is you can't have a marriage without relationship and he is too unhealthy for there to even be a chance for relationship.

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If it's any solace, as far as a faith based reason, my marriage was annulled, after my divorce. My priest said, it was like getting rid of the final ties to him. Legally divorced and spiritually released from the bind. Ironically, as my priest was wrapping up our meeting, out came a loud clap of thunder and heavy downpour. Spiritually cleansing and uplifting, to say the least.


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