[yolander]

I've been married for 7 years but I feel alone and abandoned emotionally.

We have a nice house and a beautiful child. From the outward appearance things look pretty darn good.

My husband will never hit me. He's been home every night consistently. He even says he loves me. So why should I even consider leaving.

Here are a few examples:

I wanted to go back to school after having a baby. I must of talked to him for 2 hours and asked him if he thought it would be a good idea. He nodded his head yes. The following week I enrolled in school and put our son in daycare. I was going to pay for school and I asked him to pay for daycare. when I asked for the check for daycare he ask what was going on. He did not remember a thing from our the 2 hour conversation. He was not paying attention at all.

When I am sick with the flu and not up to making dinner, he makes dinner for himself only.

He walks away in the middle of something I'm saying to him.

While 8 months pregnant he twisted his head out the car window to look at a pretty girl.

He thought my pregnancy was gross and refused to have sex even though my hormones were raging for it.

He refused to have a second baby.

I told him before we were married I wanted someone to hike and go to church with. He nodded his head but did neither after getting married.

I go to church by myself and joined a hiking group. You think, that's great but I'm sad because the only thing we do together is go to a movie or watch TV in silence.

He yells at random objects like the TV, car, random things that do not meet his expectations.

He's done nice stuff too which is why this is no confusing to me.

I've told him I am not happy. I've brought up marriage counseling a few different times but he clearly stated he will not go and there is nothing wrong which our marriage. He says he loves me.

I have dreams that I'm crying and reaching out to someone saying "I'm so unhappy".

I feel stuck. If I leave I will end up in a small apartment with not much money. I signed a prenuptial agreement. He put the large down payment on our house. He bought the car with cash. I used my savings to go back to school. I work part time and like my job but I'm nothing more than a medical assistant. With him I have financial security and a man that will not leave no matter how unhappy he is or I am.

It feels like someone lifting me up then slamming me down over and over again.

On the ups everything is ok and why would I think about leaving. On the downs I can spend hours looking at apartment I might want to move into that I can afford in our neighborhood so our son will not have to change schools.

[healingme4me]

You've brought this up to him, and yet, he was dismissing of your need for something more out of your companionship, with him. Just because he loves you and would never leave, doesn't mean that the marriage is healthy and where it needs to be.

((if I were to actually say this to him, directly!))

You, Refused, marriage counseling?! Buddy, you've got a wife, that's not happy and all you can say, is that because you love her, everything is fine?! But you aren't behaving lovingly towards her. Providing a roof over her head and a 'nice life', just isn't enough to sustain a marriage!! She needs companionship. To feel heard, to have more than material possessions. Plus, she wants more kids!! Wake up!!

If you do pursue, separation, granted, ok, you won't get much financially, but beware of whatever you do, that he doesn't fight for full custody. Fight for at least, full physical, if you do!! If he's not the type to participate, in daycare and school, etc, go for full legal! Make sure, you get child support!

[Jeannie82]

I've been in similar shoes although with no kids involve from that awful ex of mine (thankfully)! I would honestly say to you to consider it all seriously since you have a child involved. It's never an easy decision to just 'walk away' when there is that much involved. Are there any close friends or perhaps a family member you can relate to in person? I found that for myself was helpful.

My ex told me exactly the same things but his actions unfortunately says the other. Afraid I'm probably in a same situation again with my current partner, it's never easy and I understand from your point of view.

Hope things will work out in a positive way for you!

[oldlife_disrupted]

He is a fool for refusing a golden opportunity to save his marriage. If you're still interested in saving your marriage, I suggest marriage counselling solo.

[Maranara]

I don't know what to say...the only advice I can give is do not say anything in front of your child. Do not let your child know you're unhappy. Do not ever give any indication that once your child leaves so can you. I was a child like that....

[wife22]

i completely understand you.I am in similar situation,only with 3 kids and full time job and living with his parents and him stating that he will not go against his parents ,no matter how it affects me,though he loves me. It has been 16 years. How many times I thought of separating,but every time found the reason to stay,mind it -not financial,.But it gets harder and harder as years pass and you get older. Make a decision after thorough consideration. He is not the only man on earth and I am sure you will find a man who really loves you. Cage ,even if it is Gold with diamonds, is still a cage. Love can not be caged.what he does called possession ,ownership ,but not love on emotional level.You do not feel lonely in love, you shoul complement each other
I am not suggesting separation,but if you will not resolve the issue now you are the one who will loose your serenity,peace,selfesteem,selfrespect ,because apparently he does not see the the red light -your unhappiness, and refuses counselling.
See the counselor yourself if you can,at least you will talk
Best of luck to you and happiness

[Citygirl2233]

I was in the same type relationship for 23 years, and the divorce nearly destroyed me. The second time I married (now 17 years) I thought I chose better. Evidently not. Now at my age seeing that my old age is around the corner, I was hoping to age gracefully with this man I love. We are so enmeshed that he thinks we are the same person and so since I must be part of him, he feels no need to converse with me unless it is to bark an order, and though he spends all day everyday on the phone obsessively talking to evryone he knows everyday, when it is my turn for attention, he's all used up. I am lonely and can be in the same room with him. He's a very good man, and will do anything for anybody.....except me.
If I knew that I could financially take care fo myself it would be an easier decision to make. I am resolved to break up the marriage at times, and at others, I want to grow old with him. But things need to change. We were in therapy but his younger sister just diagnosed with terminal lung cancer so our therapy and relationship are on hold till she passes as he is who she totally depends on. I cannot leave while he is going through this so I am stuck. Seems I am stuck often. Not to mention my fear of being alone...my biggest hurdle.
Hang in as long as you can, but if you lose yourself in the process, take baby steps to get out of it. You don't have to rip it apart all at once. That's how I am handling it so that when /if the split happens, I won't be so panicked or depressed. It would be so much easier if I didn't still love him (the good side of him).

[wordgarden]

Your story is heartbreaking. Sounds like you need a plan--either way. Can you get some professional advice? There may be free services available. Perhaps there is a shelter where you can go. I've been in your situation, minus the child, and it did not end well. I was financially stressed as I was a student, and what little I had he took. In retrospect keeping me financially strapped was a method of control. I kept waiting for a major personality change, which of course never happened. For you, unless there is enough real evidence of a caring partner (not memories of such) then it may be best to make a fresh start. Think of your child. Lots and lots of pain in the process, but perhaps worth the effort.

[Mid-Life-Larry]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I don't know what to say...the only advice I can give is do not say anything in front of your child. Do not let your child know you're unhappy. Do not ever give any indication that once your child leaves so can you. I was a child like that....

Maranara, first.. hugs!!!
Second, a few questions:
- Don't you think a child can sense that 'something is wrong' ?
- Don't you think children will learn to "shut up and take it" if we don't express our unhappiness?
I've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time..and I've done NOTHING publicly to let anyone know I am unhappy... I've tried to talk to her about marriage counseling, without luck...
The greatest fear I have is that I've inadvertently taught my children to "stay in an unhappy relationship"...
Thoughts?

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

I know what it is like to feel like your dreams and wishes are not important. I lived like that for 20 years. Only with the clarity of hindsight do I know what happened to me. I began to loose a little of myself every single day, until one day there want much of me left to hang on to.

I was verbally and emotionally abused for over 20 years and it was almost the end of me. I survived it, but I lost so much as well

I do not know if this is what is happening to you, but you should at least read up on this type of abuse. It is slow, it is confusing, and the people around you will never understand what is happening to you.

It is also very dangerous. It is least reported type of abusers that takes the longest to heal from. The abusers follow a pattern, there are characteristics that they all share, and the victims will suffer extreme damages that follow a similar pattern.

When I left, I felt crazy, and so afraid of everything. All I knew was that I couldn't go home.

You don't need the gory details of the story. Just take a close look at yourself and how you are being treated. Are you treated as an equal? Do you still have goals? Are you worried about his happiness first? Do you feel like you are worthwhile? Does he make you feel worthwhile? Do you protect his image to the community?

Be strong. Dream your dreams. Set goals. Tell him NO! Don't get chipped away until your world falls apart.

I survived. He did not get me, and I can dream again.

[profound_betrayal]

Sorry to hear about this.
Love the 'baby steps'. Spoke with another poster re saving $$ & I think it is good to start there. Try to save a little at a time. We feel stuck with lack of control or independence. A little saving might be one component to add to the other baby steps.

Originally Posted by Citygirl2233

I was in the same type relationship for 23 years, and the divorce nearly destroyed me. The second time I married (now 17 years) I thought I chose better. Evidently not. Now at my age seeing that my old age is around the corner, I was hoping to age gracefully with this man I love. We are so enmeshed that he thinks we are the same person and so since I must be part of him, he feels no need to converse with me unless it is to bark an order, and though he spends all day everyday on the phone obsessively talking to evryone he knows everyday, when it is my turn for attention, he's all used up. I am lonely and can be in the same room with him. He's a very good man, and will do anything for anybody.....except me.
If I knew that I could financially take care fo myself it would be an easier decision to make. I am resolved to break up the marriage at times, and at others, I want to grow old with him. But things need to change. We were in therapy but his younger sister just diagnosed with terminal lung cancer so our therapy and relationship are on hold till she passes as he is who she totally depends on. I cannot leave while he is going through this so I am stuck. Seems I am stuck often. Not to mention my fear of being alone...my biggest hurdle.
Hang in as long as you can, but if you lose yourself in the process, take baby steps to get out of it. You don't have to rip it apart all at once. That's how I am handling it so that when /if the split happens, I won't be so panicked or depressed. It would be so much easier if I didn't still love him (the good side of him).