Very New to this

Hi,

I am going on 7 years of marriage with no kids. I got sober, and my husband is a functioning alcoholic who still smokes cigarettes. He is older (55) and doesn't take care of himself; he is also abusive in everyway but physically. I am on ssi with medicare so I only need a PT job. I will need to take over my past role of being a homeowner which is scary.

I know life is too short to be unhappy, and my husband makes me feel bad about myself. I don't need any help in that department. He has also been sleeping on the couch for about a year. I will be a resentful she-devil if I have to spend 20 years being his nurse because of his unhealthy lifestyle. He owns his own business, has no health insurance, no 401K, no IRA, and inflated his salary when we met. I am an only child and my parents are upper middle class so I may stand to have an inheritance of money and/or property. His job is in construction and at his age he is not able to work much longer.

I plan on leaving him in the next few months. I have talked to my parents about his abuse (he is a perfect gentleman), and need to get a PT job to put some money into the bank.

I feel like I am completely unable to handle anything alone which is why leaving felt like the last option. I'm terrified about stupid things like my tire going flat and expensive things that go wrong on a house. What if a big branch falls in my yard or blah blah blah

Hi, thickintired. I know what you mean about worrying about how to do things. Perhaps you can talk to some other folks about what to do in situations you are imagining, so you will have a plan if they occur. Maybe some already divorced women or single friends?

yes, thickntired, and living alone, I totally get what you mean. When I first left my exH I was terrified and worried about everything...then of course, was told I was a 'negative nelly'. I finally decided...no, freakin, I'm not!! I'm making sure I'm PREPARED!!! lol

So for the flat tires...make sure you have a cell and if you don't have car insurance with roadside assistance, there are company's (AAA is one) that you can get without buying the insurance.

Depending on where you live, renters insurance is a must. It's not that expensive...insure only the things that would be difficult to replace (computers, other electronics etc.)....other things can be purchased on the cheap from whatever thrift stores are in your area.

Pets...try for an apt with a pet policy...if you don't have a pet (and like them) get one. They do wonders for lonliness prevention. I recommend getting a rescue. Save two lives--yours, and theirs. They are also wonderful 'early warning systems' dogs, OR cats.

When you have your car serviced, (and if you're not overly shy) strike up a conversation with the mechanic...even if it's based on silly questions. It is always good to know a mechanic, plummer etc. This is a form of networking which can be very helpful, in a pinch. Anywhere you go, if you meet a 'service provider'...talk to them..ask advice etc, and get their business cards or numbers.

If in an apt...learn your neighbors. You don't have to be overly friendly (I sure the hell am not) but at least learn their names and let them know yours. Important in the event you have an issue. (When I got layed off, my car didn't move from the parking lot for at least a week. My downstairs neighbor--whom I'd only met a month before, once--trecked up the stairs and knocked on my door, saying he was worried as he hadn't seen me. It is an unspoken rule we both check to see car movement now...)

Pay attention to your surroundings...I cannot stress that enough. No matter where you are. You don't have to be paranoid about it...just log things in the back of your mind. It can be interesting. I can also help you out if you need it.

I'm sure there is more but these are the things off the top of my head that have helped me feel more comfortable being on my own. I hope they help you.

*hugs*

Thank you both for your replies. I own a 130 year old home I bought before I went on disability. At some point I'll probably have to sell because historic is not the most practical, but both of my parents are alive and supportive so I'm very blessed. I found out that on SSDI, or any disability at that rate, it is basically impossible to work. My medicare coverage is excellent, and my mental health is no guarantee of lasting employment. After medicare and mortgage I have $416 left on my ssdi check lol. Oh well, I'm not going to go ape ****. I know that being on disability is something many, many people need and are unable to receive. The good thing about paying into the system (ssdi) is that profit from selling a house or an inheritance doesn't change my disability status. Because I can't work I would like to spend the time working on free-lance writing - short stories and maybe a novel.

I read a small quote about architectural happiness and it makes sense. I have heard that a cluttered home keeps a cluttered mind, and this was basically saying people need calm surroundings. My husband doesn't use a shop for his construction so the yard is like Sanford & Son's. It makes me so depressed, and the inside is also really dreary. I don't ever feel like cleaning, and I'm embarrassed when people see me leave the house. He has 3/4 of an acre full of dead tree limbs, paint buckets, ladders, huge piles of random free crap from other jobs and over grown bushes in front of the house that makes us look like hoarders. I used to think I was a really shallow person if I didn't overlook his yard. But now I see that it has been negative to look out the window or walk out every morning and see all of this garbage.

Thank you all again for letting me know that this can be done!

I left a bad marriage after 33 years......moved 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone & the only family I had left at that point was our daughter but didn't want to live in the state that she settled in. The last 13 years of the marriage had been horrible....but it was bad before that I just had my career to hide out in before that.

My mom died & being an only child, it all went to me & some to our daughter....(I think his parents thought that my inheritance was going to bail him out of the mess he got us into).....but it was my only way to the freedom I should have gone for while I did have my career.

I have a 10 acre farm......that takes more work than this one person is capable of doing...but on disability, I also can't afford to hire help....so it's what I get done is all that gets done....& the house is basically falling apart even though it's not an old house like yours (I looked at several that age...lol.....but reminded me too much of the movie "money pit").

I love being alone & being the one responsible & knowing where my finances stand all the time....& after I left him....it was obvious at how incompetent he really is in handling debt & his monthly bills.....totally irresponsible.

Things weren't cluttered when I first moved here....I actually don't have much furniture.....but it was boxes & things that when I fractured my back 3 years ago.....just got sat down & not moved & things never really had their place.....& I started off with 7 dogs (now I have 3)....as I brought our older babies with me....it's been so hard loosing them.....but at least I was able to care for them.

Not knowing anyone when I came here, I did initially hire a few of the wrong people....but I have found wonderful people who do help me out with some of the things that I end up NOT being able to do.

But the fun is that I have become the plumber.....me & YouTube....any problem, you can usually find the solution on YouTube. Found the right auger to unstop my major stopped up toilet. Then repaired the hose that was leaking on my kitchen sink faucet......even the $2 cute little tool I bought because it was cute....was the tool that was what I used for the sink repair. Lowe's is my best store & have the best help from the people working there.

My H would never do anything to fix anything & I was always frustrated at things NOT getting fixed. I have been able to repair, paint & stain.....but I do have too much work....so I get a few things done at a time & then worry about the rest later. Climbing over boxes & stuff isn't the best environment to live in....but slowly....I will get things organized.

I absolutely LOVE living alone after 33 years of a bad marriage....oh he was nice.....but so totally irresponsible, I couldn't depend on him to take care of anything when I was so sick with depression that I wasn't able to function. Sure he wasn't used to that....but he wasn't able to step up to the plate like I would have been if it were him who had been in my situation. There never was a partnership....& always issues from before we were married. Your H is a functioning alcoholic.....I am sure that much of the issues of my H at the age of 62 is undiagnosed asperger's....he was just dx'ed with adult ADD before I left him...but our pdoc commented during the IRS situation (I have a novel full of financial issues) that he was sure there was more wrong than just the ADD. But financially I have to be free from him as he was destroying me completely if I hadn't.

Feeling trapped in the marriage drove my depression into the deep depths & there were many unsuccessful attempts I had to get out of the marriage any way I could.....but at the time I didn't understand that was why or what was happening. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees....amazing what distance can do for our ability to understand what we were going through.

Oh, Eskielover!!!

Thank you for taking the time to write your post! I sent you a message a while back because I lost my favorite dog, Bello, an American Eskimo Spitz. It gives me a lot of hope to know you became your own handywoman by watching Youtube. You go girl! I also have 3 ruptured discs so heavy work is not an option. But, the free time that comes with disability can easily be put to use on a historic home. I don't have near your land - WOW! But, I have flower gardens and maybe I'll be ready for a dog someday. I adore dogs, but losing them is the hardest part. My husband has been audited twice because he writes off way too much, and he can barely make ends meet. I didn't marry him for his money or under some delusion of his career rocketing. But we literally go out to dinner maybe once every 3 years. Why go out? He knows I'll cook dinner every night. If we do something it has to be on a holiday or some crap. I'm glad you told me how happy you are living alone. I do think what has kept me here for years is just financial fear. We stopped having a marriage a long, long time ago. I don't even have a life right now. My husband judges my friends, corrects my opinions, tells me I can't accomplish things, and forever reminds me of every single mental breakdown I had in the past 10 years.

The thought of my husband getting a penny of any inheritance makes my stomach turn. He has never "taken care" of me beyond paying my freaking phone bill. Nothing I do is or ever will be good enough while I'm the only one expected to do the changing. What really made my mind up is he told me I had a long way to go in meeting his standards. Getting sober wasn't enough. He told me I don't have the stress of a job; I see doctors and take meds, so when am I going to be normal? I could have taken his head off it made me so furious. He also told me when we got married my Dad said "it's about time someone took that crazy B**** off his hands." So, yeah I still have a long ways to go on self-esteem but sobriety really helped. When I got married I was not sober, medicated or diagnosed. So, I guess the writing on the wall may have been a bit blurry.