[Bad wife/good mom]

I am thinking about leaving my husband. He is an addict an every time we make it through one of his addictions he find something else. It started with alcohol and then pot. He has stopped both of those because his liver is failing him now. His newest addiction is talking to women on the internet. He doesn't see it as a problem but it hurts me badly. Everyday now I wonder if I would be better off alone. How do you make this kind of major decision? I am now being treated for depression and am afraid I am not thinking it through. Just letting my emotions take over. What if it is his sickness causing him to hurt me so much? I wish I had someone to talk to.

[avlady]

i am here for you. i went through the same thing with my husband, the alcohol was pretty bad i ended up givig him an ultimatom to stop or i would leave him, i don't care if he smokes pot it doesn't change his behavior like liquor did. about the other women i also had the same problem, but really don't care anymore because he stopped that on his own. he would look at some hard core porn, it didn't bother me but he stopped for me too. looking back i m glad i gave him the ultimium it scared him straight.

[Bad wife/good mom]

The pot lost him his job and now he is too sick to work. He only sits at the computer and chars with others. He even told me he may be in love with one of them. He says he still loves me but it hurts so bad that he could think of another woman the same way as me. I think he likes to live in this pretend world were no one has to know how sick he is. And I want to understand but I need him to live I the real world too.

[shezbut]

I would recommend trying to see a marital counselor, or even a family counselor, together.

It sounds to me as though your hub is trying to avoid some part of his daily life by getting into these attention dividers. Maybe he has some trauma from his past, that he hasn't ever dealt with emotionally. Either way, he's avoiding something in his present world. In my opinion, that needs to be worked out. Hopefully, your hub will be willing to work on fixing his problem/s.

I wish you the very best! Gentle hugs to you and your family.

[healingme4me]

Does your health insurance cover rehab services? It'll be his lifelong battle. One that he needs to recognize for himself. Change happens when one desires it for their own internal reasons, usually some sort of bottoming out, is necessary.
Do you have your own internal timeline, for how long you are willing to live in this capacity? Is he amicable to live with?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[peaceseeker63]

I read somewhere that the worst marriages are those that are not bad enough to leave. You must be feeling some financial responsibility for him because he can no longer work and because he is sick. If he is talking to other women, and he thinks this is ok, you have a huge problem on your hands. Sounds like he doesn't respect you and he thinks you'll stick by him, because you always have in the past. Take a look at your behavior and why you are putting up with his bad behavior. Work on yourself because you're the only person you can change.

[thickntired]

I'm divorcing my abusive, alcoholic husband. I got sober and quit cigarettes to save the marriage of all things. I will no longer watch him commit slow suicide, and I will not stick around to be his nurse if he get's COPD, cirrhosis, emphysema etc.

[eskielover]

I didn't have a H with addictions but he had other serious problems that destroyed the marriage. Foolishly I didn't leave when I had my career to take care of myself with & then ended up trapped in the marriage because of financial issues by the time I realized I needed out......depression & even suicide attempts came as I was desperate to leave. I lived like that for 13 years before I was finally able to escape. It was the best thing I ever did & living alone was no different than the unhappy living alone I was doing while existing in under the same roof.

If you feel that you have come to the end of the marriage & he's refusing to get the help he needs to make the marriage work.....then you need to end it. There is no reason to live in misery.

I don't take marriage vows lightly....but I also don't take the abuse lightly that comes from an addictive H who refuses to get the help to make the marriage work & make the changes that he needs to make.

[musinglizzy]

I just posted, in a similar boat, but makes me question myself more...my husband doesn't drink or do drugs...he isn't talking to other women.... but he's sneaking around and lying, and I just can't trust him anymore. I'm afraid if I stick around, he'll ruin me financially.

[eskielover]

Financial abuse is just as real as every other kinds of abuse & needs to not be taken lightly......that was my serious reason for not just staying separated (being that I have no intention of ever getting married again, but it wasn't safe staying married to him because of his financial irresponsibility. Already had the mortgage company come after me when he quit paying the property taxes & the mortgage because my name was still on it. Lawyer said, only way to be safe it to get the finalized divorce.

[musinglizzy]

The near-breaking point was him trying to take out an 18K loan behind my back last spring. Bank called two days before closing, needing paystubs, and I had no idea what they were talking about. Said I wouldn't sign, so it couldn't happen. bank was P*SSED. Me too. He lied about assets, saying they were ours, when they belong to my family. He's still here.... but we have been sleeping on separate floors of the house for about 2 years. I feel the pain. I really do. This loan is what sent me to therapy.

[shezbut]

Have you come straight out and talked with your hub about this? Or, are you holding it all inside & waiting for him to come forward with the information? I certainly recommend talking with your hub about your feelings about all of this, and see what he has to say.

Maybe he has some valid reasons?? Or, maybe he doesn't. Either way, it's best to know the truth and go from there. ((hugs))

[eskielover]

I always confronted my H about everything....never kept anything in so I don't know why he kept trying....maybe hoping that the next time he could hide things better.....but in my case, I'm sure that his mind with Asperger's just doesn't think normal which was why every time I confronted him about anything his answer was always "I don't know" or "whatever". I realize it now, but I didn't then & he just kept making me more angry every time I had to deal with him. At least I understand the reason...doesn't make me want to tolerate it any more than I did then, but understanding why the brain isn't capable of thinking wisely at least makes me feel better than thinking that he was doing it intentionally to irritate me or that he was just being stupid because he wanted to be that way. Doesn't make his behavior right, but at least there is some level of understanding of where it came from.

It is important to confront them & not just hold in the anger. I'm glad you stopped the loan....that would have made getting a divorce all that much more complicated. The assets & liabilities split is complicated enough IMO & for me, walking away was the easiest even though I find myself at times resenting him for his behavior & for loosing everything I owned for those 33 years & the one who caused the divorce gets everything.....but I let it go soon after the thought pops into my brain because my freedom & the wonderful friends I have now are more valuable than any of those things.

I do hope that therapy is helping you....I know that the therapy I had while in my bad marriage was useless....it wasn't until I got out & was free that my mind was free enough to look back without constant irritants continually bugging me....now I can see the past so much more clearly & I have now had wonderful T's who have helped me pull the threads together & see the picture of what was really going on.

[Agarwaen]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Financial abuse is just as real as every other kinds of abuse & needs to not be taken lightly......that was my serious reason for not just staying separated (being that I have no intention of ever getting married again, but it wasn't safe staying married to him because of his financial irresponsibility. Already had the mortgage company come after me when he quit paying the property taxes & the mortgage because my name was still on it. Lawyer said, only way to be safe it to get the finalized divorce.

When I look back on 19+ years with my SO, I would guess 90% of our arguments were and are financial.