How to break it off with the OW

Ok, without repeating my whole soppy story... I am married, having issues with wife, ended up getting involved with an OW. Now that things are serious and divorce is a reality, I have realised that I can't go through with it. I love my wife, and don't want to give up our life that we spent 12 years building. Problem is... I have tried to break it off with the OW a few times, and it just never works. By now I have also hurt her very badly, but for some reason she keeps taking me back. I choose my family, and will do anything to make things work.

How do I break things off with the OW? I am a dog for what I've done, and I know that very well. She has been through a lot in her life, and I promised that I wouldn't hurt her. I will now be going back on everything I promised to someone who trusted me. I know that it's exactly what I would have done to my wife, but I have been going through a lot of confusion and my bipolar has been going haywire.

Please can anybody give me advice?

How do you mean it never works? How are you ending up back together with her? I think you have to look at how that occurs and change something in your behaviour there.

We just can't seem to stay away from each other. Call it lack of willpower, or just being stupid.

Whats an 'OW'?

Other Woman perhaps?

Yeah, other woman

My suggestion is to see a counselor who can help you figure out how to reach your goals.

You CAN stay away from each other. That is a choice....You are choosing to see each other. You don't need advice, you know what you need to do to stay married, you are choosing to see the OW bccause you want to.

Is it "can't" or "won't" stay away from each other? Can't implies it is impossible.

OW's typically are enablers. Perhaps it's best to speak with your therapist about how to cope with choices that you've made?

Is your wife aware of your infidelity? If so, what steps, as a couple are you both taking to handle the wounded marriage? There's specific counseling for couples to work through such a scenario.

Pick up the phone, dial her number, tell her you chose your wife, hang up.

You could make it a lot longer, more sensitive, in person maybe, but that will just make things harder. It's better to get it over with, quick and dirty. Fallout is inevitable, you knew that the day you started hanging out with the OW, and now it's come to call... so time to settle the debt i'd say?

So many issues here not to mention you're getting my hackles up. Grrrrrr.

Anyway. If there is any chance of getting back together with your wife, you OWE it to her to be truthful. She needs to be in the driver's seat, the decision maker on what direction the relationship will go. Having miss susie queue in the background for just in case is definitely a no-go. You must break it off BEFORE you talk to your wife.

Don't give us BS about won't or can't stay away. You are an adult. It is a choice. Make it.

It's perhaps difficult because of the mixed signals sent to your OW?? Or perhaps there are feelings for her, there? Yet obligations to honor your marriage and children?

The Europeans have it, right, however. OWs have financial support and frankly it's like running two households.

A specialist might be the only way through this...

If you really want it over you can.

Tell her it's over.
That you want to be with your wife.
Admit you hurt her. Apologize.
Block her number and email addy.
Delete her emails or designate to spam folder
Delete the email account you used to communicate with her
If your wife is not aware of of your infidelity, TELL her.
Go to counseling with your wife and be transparent.

Be prepared for your wife to be angry and...in the same manner that you took time to develop this other relationship, your wife is going to need time after learning of the betrayal. It's gonna take time to reconcile who she used to think you were vs who you really are. Apologize and if you feel you've apologized too much, apologize one more time. With your actions, not just words. And by all accounts do NOT blame the other woman! You engaged in the affair, you re-engaged after breaking off.

If you cannot stay away from her, do both women a favor and be with the other woman. You won't be the first to divorce his wife. Keep in mind that a relationship founded on dishonesty has a very high failure rate.

I sympathize with you for I can relate. I don't know about you but in my experience bipolar mania can make new relationships alluring and intense. Thankfully and hopefully, the low will come and with it the intensity will get less. Good luck.

You haven't actually chosen your wife until you stop seeing the other woman, and your fully informed wife, in turn chooses you.

OK. Just a few observations : You don't explain what the " issues " with your wife are.
So you got involved with another woman serious enough to consider divorcing your wife of 12 years. This is a lot different from a one night stand. Now you say you want to break it off with the OW but you can't. WHY ?Do you love her ? You hurt her " very badly " but she still takes you back. Why ?( BTW: Home wreckers are not the type of woman you want to stay with .)
Who did you promise not to hurt , the OW ? What about the vows you made to your wife when you got married ?
And then at the end of your post you say your bipolar which may actually be the most important fact of this whole drama.
And one last thing , Don't tell your wife anything you may later regret very much.
It's never forgotten or forgivin. ( Just a personal view , before I'm beaten to death )

Keep posting

I hate the term home wrecker. It implies that the guy is innocent in it all. Oops he fell, his pants flew off and *it* landed right in her V!

OMG PLEASE!

Maybe I should define what I mean by " home wrecker ". It is a term that isn't used much nowadays but there are other terms used that I won't post here , ( maybe you can guess ).

A home wrecker in my opinion is a woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man
either with or without a family. In my book that's a no no. Don't you understand that NOTHING happens unless a woman allows it to , ( except in the case of rape of course ).

I never said the guy is innocent of anything. He is committing adultery. He is also a home wrecker in another sense.
So please don't misunderstand me. The bottom line is that there shouldn't be another woman period.

Is tamcat still around? Did any of this advice help? Maybe give us an update?

I understand. I guess my thought was more on the random side, a tangent to the home wrecker thing, and not really directed at you. I think it's more of a societal thing.....yes, it takes two to tango and both are responsible, BUT "home wrecker" puts all the blame on the woman......when the truth is that AT LEAST half of the blame is on the guy, and if the guy is presenting himself as single the whole time, I'd say it's 100% his fault and the OW is as much of a victim.....of course again these are random thoughts and I'm not even referring to the OP in my scenario/reply.

Don't make promises when you are in the middle of messing up everyone's lives. Sorry but bipolar isn't an excuse for hurting your wife or getting an OW involved in a problem marriage. If you have VALUES they exist no matter what.

Problem in a marriage....NEVER get an OW involved before you have resolved what you truly want to do with the marriage. End it or save it but focus on IT, not someone else because it only fogs up the clarity of the relationship you are needing to resolve one way or the other.....only after the divorce is final is it ok to allow another woman into your life.

Does your wife even know about the OW? She is entitled to know because shenhasba right to figure that in on whether she wants to keep the marriage. It's not only your decision to make at this point since you got an OW involved in your life.

It's also not that you CAN'T end the relationship with her it's that you won't. If she knew you were still married & got involved with you, getting hurt by your promise not to hurt her is her problem if she knew what she was getting into....comes with the territory.

If she thought you were already divorced....then you are a lire & you have more serious issues to deal with. Sorry, having bipolar isnt an excuse for lying either. If I were your wife, I would want to know all the facts so I could make a very logical choice as to weather I wanted a divorce or not. When you cheated on your wife....you gave up the privilege of being the one to determine what happens with the marriage & even more since you are UNWILLING to stop seeing the OW. You are doing nothing to show that you want to save your marriage like you said you want. You need to get your act together.

Problem marriages usually have 2 sides to the problem....we can't see the real picture of the relationship....but that NEVER is an excuse to have an OW involved no matter what!!!!

Hey Chipper , I get it , no worries. I understand your logic. And in that respect your right. It takes two to tango.
Actually I'm going to take a pass on this thread because , as usual , we don't know all the facts. I went back and read the original post and just got more confused.

Take care