Separation imminent-scared and lost

Hi! I am new here but came because I have almost identical situation and feeling. Marriage of same duration. Three kids. Tight finances (although right now neither of us works but that cannot continue) and things that drew us together ante now seemingly the things that are driving is apart and I am vey scared and sad especially for the kids who are surely hurting.

We have marriage counselor and I suspect that divorce and settlement would be on consent and amicable but still many overwhelming and scary questions. I feel for you and empathize and hope that as the pain turns we can share and lighten load for everybody.

Vivaroman and friends. I see that my initial post was responsive to Vivaroman post from several months back. I see he also posted in January about having a weight lifted as he realized that there was a clear choice he had to make and was prepared to make.

So....what happened since?

In my parallel situation, while there is no resolution of anything, the "dance" seems to be one moving forward together if akwardly. I dont know these steps and I dont kike the uncomfortable question marks hanging everywhere, but I do know that there are genuine efforts to get (back?) to a better place.

I hope you also feel today (good or bad) and share.

We tried reconciling for six years. This mistress did get in the way. I got my divorce certificate today. It feels like someone died. I must say I grew up when it came to splitting our finances. I kept in mind the saying I got from a divorce therapy group called "Divorce Care." In this group one of the quotes was that no matter how someone else acts you can answer them, but you always have to treat them with dignity and respect. You can say you can't handle talking, you don't have to be able to solve things. This idea worked better for our kids to not witness any more craziness, it made day to day interaction work, and it forced me to think and research what I wanted when splitting our assets. I send you my prayers that you manage to keep your love alive, and if not, I'll hold your hand and tell you that you are going to be okay.

Hi all..... I've read the initial post and all that followed. In every one there is an element of identification. I have posted on this forum and elsewhere many times of the situation I went thru. After a VERY long marriage , ( and having "known" my ex-spouse for over 45 years ), I wound up in a divorce.

It is devastating for anyone who has feelings and has been betrayed.
Turns your whole world upside down. My whole perception of life itself has been changed. But the one thing that will never change is my CORE self and my empathy for others , sympathy , wanting to do the "right thing" despite it being detrimental to myself. Because this ******* has FEELINGS !

There's no question that I have, and have had, many problems coping with many different issues within myself. Living with me is hard , but living with her was not so easy either. Actually she turned out to be worse than all the other hurt I accumulated other than from her.

Regardless , I never could do to my worst enemy what has been done to me by , and I'm sorry if I offend anyone , a person who I have now just realized has a NPD.
Now adding to all the good things that have already been said , my own experience with this situation is this :

1. Unless the person comes to you and says they are sorry , or sick , or have made a mistake and genuinely want to try and save the marriage or relationship , and agrees to go to counseling together with you , ( plus more ), then RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. It could end very badly for you if you decide to go toe to toe with a psychopath.

2. Try and get out as quickly and easily as possible. They think 10 steps ahead so your going to have to think 20 steps ahead.

3. The longer it stretches out because of money , children or ANY issue , the worse off you will be. You can't win against a Narc or just plain egotistical , self centered , doesn't care about you scum.
4. Bottom line is you will never get the truth , and you can never trust them again . And they will try to bury you. Before , during , and after the breakup.

There is no more "Till death do us part". It's now , "Till I get all I can out of you and find someone else". When you are at a point to be able to think back, you will probably realize all the little clues that just FLEW over your head and didn't realize it.

If anything , I have now learned that if you don't put yourself first , you will finish last. Do I sound bitter and angry ? Your damn right I am. Because I'm still in the process of debriefing my mind as to WTF happened !

Get all the support you can , and if your religious , pray a lot, for your sanity , for understanding , and for a life yet to be lived without toxicity all around you.

Hi Continuously Blue. I agree with you that you have to protect yourself, and deal with your affairs logically and carefully. However, emotionally, I have brought the focus back on to me. I try to not let my ex have a place in my heart, good or bad. When it is just me in there, there are possibilities and peace and sometimes joy.

Sounds very painful, hard and scary.

Hugs to all and wishes for internal Joy.

Hi all, thankyou for all the replies, I thought I'd update on the situation.
Things are going remarkably well, I've met knew friends, my new place is really cool (very small but cool). Living on my own I've found a huge amount of strength and confidence. My children stay with me as often as possible and we enjoy our time together. Finances aren't great but we aren't going to go bankrupt anytime soon. If you have been following the thread, the catalyst for my turn around were basically advice to focus on thinking about my children and me rather than wasting energy on being negative and bitter. Simple stuff but incredibly effective.
I've managed to forgive my ex although only in my head, I still can't tell her she's in the clear.
I can't quite believe the turn around and have to keep checking dates to see if the timescale is correct.
I've even met someone, a Buddhist, who pursued me ( I wasn't looking at all).
I have tough times ahead when the house sale and divorce comes into focus but I've been worrying about stuff all my life and things still happen-don't happen anyway.
I'm enjoying the moment, for the first time in years I'm not under any criticism or pressure to do things the way someone else wants it.
I hope this gives encouragement to others that no matter how dark it gets, there is always hope that situations can change for the better.
Stay positive, it's the only way forward. X

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Thanks for the update and words of encouragement! Glad to read it's going well, for you.