Decided To Separate

I asked him to move out and he said he would go for at least this weekend. He's been sleeping in the other room for two weeks.

If we can live apart, and go to counseling, and if I can somehow get over my anger and decide to take him back accepting some kind of other way to be together then maybe we'll work out. Or we'll be getting divorced, or just living apart.

I needed to do this for my health and for the environment my son is having to live in.

Separation can be a good thing. Wish I had done it sooner.

(((hugs))) I feel for you... tc

How are you feeling now, TishaBuv?

I'm not crying! I'm not depressed, either. I've been busy helping my sister and working a volunteer project.

Husband is living in the house, sleeping in the other bedroom. He went alone to the therapist , and I am supposed to call to make an appointment for myself. I have mixed feelings.

He's putting pressure on me to have sex with him again. He doesn't really care about how much and for how long he hurt me. He will only take some responsibility to it.

He has me questioning everything about myself, my mind, my sanity, my motives. I just don't know anything anymore. I can't deal with this.

Plus my body is in so much pain with physical ailments, probably brought on by chronic stress.

I can't bring myself to go talk to that therapist. I can't tell another T my whole story once again. I don't need the therapist to help me talk to my husband. I have communicated perfectly well, been totally honest, even looked at both sides.

I don't know what I want now. I just want to have my own bedroom and get this stress out of my bed. I don't care about being alone in the future. I like me and I don't want to fight with anyone anymore.

Many of my break ups were a push and pull on my part. When I was the 'dumper' rather than the 'dumpee', I'd back off, then try again, until it got too crazy or ended with a Restraining Order.

Now we're going into the weekend again. For the past three Friday's, I have already started getting anxiety attacks and crying in the morning. I'm working myself up again, just knowing I am going to have to deal with this.

Again, push/pull, thinking maybe I should initiate doing something fun with him that we used to enjoy, driving somewhere. Otherwise, what am I going to do all weekend? Sit here in my room while he sits in the other? Run away again?

I'm replying to myself, lol.

I made a list and there were only three relationships that were push/pull. Only husband, other closest college boyfriend, and other boyfriend/fiancé (that's the one that ended in a restraining order because he manhandled me in a parking lot). They were my closest relationships and the only men I lived with.

When you spend some nights apart from your husband how do you feel? Do you feel better or worse not having him around?

It's been 3 weeks since we are in separate rooms.

I feel much better because I am avoiding the anxiety, panic attacks, and crying fits from trying to have sex.

He is trying to be a better husband, only because he is 'in the dog house'. Yesterday, he suggested we go to an art show. It was a really nice day with our son. If only he had done that every so often... And I know if I take him back, life goes right back to usual, with him being completely withdrawn and self-centered.

I wanted, needed some assertiveness from him. Especially sexually. He still just won't. Today's Valentine's Day. Holidays have been such hell, I told him to just ignore them from now on. But I bought candy for him and our son. He said he made a reservation to take us all to dinner, and I said that was nice.

This morning I gave him a big hug when he woke up. We spent a few hours watching TV. I went into my room and thought about fantasizing about how I want sex to be and doing it by myself. But my stomach is in knots and my digestion problems are flared up. That's also part of the sex problem.

When I went into the kitchen, he was still watching TV. He never shuts it off. Another problem. He gives me a weird stare that makes my panic attack start. Then shows me he put a gift for me on the counter. I said Oh, but didn't open it.

We just had it out. I told him to cancel the dinner plans. I told him he only knows how to make me feel like I am cornered and up against a wall or begging for love.

I just want to curl up in the fetal position and go back to bed now.

We are two people who are saying we want to love each other, but are just not allowing ourselves and each other any joy.

I am so numb.

Is this all because I have a MI?

I am so dumb.

So many women long for a man to give them any attention. I should kiss his *****, but I just can't fake it anymore.

He comes back in and says 'even if we don't have sex, he wants to stay with me'. I tell him that really means a lot to me and I hope we can work with the therapist and take our time. But, I don't really believe him.

A time we separated before, he said how broken up he was, but I found a box of condoms with some of them gone.

He's not going to put up with not getting laid.

This isn't love. It's more like The Art of War.

How did it go wrong? An hour ago, I was feeling like I wanted to make love, even if I had to pretend. Then I interacted with him and had anxiety, tears, and took a pill to relax me. I am traumatized by this guy, who supposedly loves me.

If there was a lobotomy I could have to just exist peacefully, I would do it.

What is he doing through out the day? Can you describe his typical day?

How does he react to your suffering (e.g. panic attacks)? Is he concerned? Was he concerned in the past?

My marriage is very young and we don't have any big disagreements, I cannot really imagine my husband stressing me out so much. My work gives me panic attacks though and I sure am glad I did not make a life long commitment to it. When I am in distress my husband is very worried, he tries to help even though he does not really understand my anxiety.

Do you take any medication to manage your anxiety? I am just wondering if anything would improve if your anxiety was out of the picture.

He has a very responsible job. He has never missed a day, never even been late. He comes home and checks out by watching TV. He used to go in the bedroom to watch. He never even took interest in his kids. They didn't even know he was here, and never asked where he was when he wasn't. I raised them like a single mom, mostly.

We got married just over a year after meeting, so I really didn't know the scope of his TV addiction and his personality.

He is a nice guy though. Dry sense of humor, and very immature teenaged sense of humor. I have come to really dislike his immaturity because that's the problem in the bedroom. Like something stopped in his development.

I'll try to type this in more posts, 'cause it'll get long, and I am in so much physical pain from arthritis . Thank you so much for caring, Jenny.

Husband says this is his issue "I was an only child who likes the TV on because I didn't want to feel alone. I was always trying to be too perfect. I get too in my head worrying about the exact way of doing something worrying about what would feel natural or be my own instinct to do sexually, trying to match her expectations of what she wants. Painful hesitation caused a reaction within her that was interpreted as not being interested. Desire, passion, lust was there with a little anxiety. Once the anxiety is gone, the sex is really good."

I am perfectly happy doing nothing at this point. I like having my own bedroom. I don't want to have sex with him again. He treated me like cr** and now he has been put out.

I am not crying and hysterical with him out of the bedroom.

We started seeing the therapist and I just can't bring myself to shell out a fortune of money to this guy who is not going to tell us anything we haven't already discussed and tried.

If my husband wants to stay in the house and sleep in the other room, fine. Maybe we'll stay like this for a few years until our son is older, then he'll move out and divorce me.

Maybe if we can find a more affordable therapist, I'll keep going.

This sucks. There is no undoing the bad. My husband was just a selfish guy and whatever my problem is... Fine. Whatever. I'm just so numb.

When I met my husband, he told me this saying about putting milk that is already sour back in the refrigerator, thinking it's going to be fresh later... The milk is sour!

Hmmmm have you gone to the therapist that he is also seeing alone. It seemed like he came back from the therapist reacting in a way that he would after seeing a therapist who heard only his side of the story......did you ever see that therapist on your own so that the T could hear you side of the story so that he can get the whole picture?

You may not want to spend the money, but it's a waste if only your H goes to this T & you don't because then he only gets your H's side of the story.

Hmmmm I'm an only child. I keep the radio going 24/7 now that I left my H because the house is quiet & I need talking & words to think about & since I don't own a TV & haven't had one for almost 9 years, the radio is the next best thing.

I lived for 13 years in separate rooms before I was finally financially able to leave my H. Interesting comment I heard at the end from him was that he didn't want a divorce because then it would make him look like a failure. Hmmmm so my leaving him 9 years ago didn't make him look that way also????? I'm working on getting a divorce because I'm the only one with any money to get one & it's not as expensive doing an out of state one but I walked away from basically EVERYTHING I ever owned over my life & the 33 years of marriage including the things I brought from my mother's house after she died. It's too expensive to move things 2100 miles across the country. Sometimes we have to figure out the cost & the benefits of leaving & make our decisions based on our REAL needs.