[continuosly blue]

Separation for me was not just a legal term. My wife and I were " separated " long before it became legal. I had mental and physical problems that dated back YEARS. My thinking is that two people never become one and therefore are always separated. We all are individuals looking for that ' soul mate ' so to speak. That one person we wind up loving and then marry. But being individuals incline us to different interests. When that happens the interest we had for each other wanes and the new interests take priority.
After awhile there seem to be very little common interests and the separation
, if married , can turn into one or the other wanting out ,hence the divorce. Getting out is much harder than getting in. legal proceedings are involved.
That who was once loved so much becomes our adversary. For ME a divorce has to be FINAL , like death. I could never just be friends with my ex. When it's over it's over. A divorce hurts everybody except the one who wanted to end it. The one who has what seems like " no feelings " and the other too much. This is just part one of a long story. Can anyone relate ?

[healingme4me]

I relate to feeling like the separation occurs within a marriage well before divorce. I don't relate to having 'no feelings' since I'm the one that filed. For my own situation in divorce, love just wasn't enough. It was a tough decision, for me to make. There were children involved. His behavior towards me was heartbreaking during marriage. It's taken a heck of a lot of therapy and support groups, mostly online but sometimes in person to come to terms with what I went through.
I can relate to the idea of when it's over, it's over. However, when there are kids involved, it's not that simple.
I can relate to growing apart, and suddenly realizing there wasn't a solid foundation to begin with. As mentioned about interests not being the same.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I relate to feeling like the separation occurs within a marriage well before divorce. I don't relate to having 'no feelings' since I'm the one that filed. For my own situation in divorce, love just wasn't enough. It was a tough decision, for me to make. There were children involved. His behavior towards me was heartbreaking during marriage. It's taken a heck of a lot of therapy and support groups, mostly online but sometimes in person to come to terms with what I went through.
I can relate to the idea of when it's over, it's over. However, when there are kids involved, it's not that simple.
I can relate to growing apart, and suddenly realizing there wasn't a solid foundation to begin with. As mentioned about interests not being the same.

You caught me in a brain freeze error ! I'm the one who filed also and I was tremendously hurt because I was " forced " into it. I didn't want to but there was no love anymore and she didn't want to end it herself because she just wanted to keep using me and hurting me.
As far as the children go you are absolutely correct. It complicates matters tremendously. Fortunately my two children were older and not living at home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some of us hurt and then some of us REALLY hurt , if you know what I mean.
Thanks

[healingme4me]

I am pretty sure that I know what you mean. I had worked on detachment skills long before filing. I had to, because it was an emotional rollercoaster. He'd behave in a reactive manner and I'd become upset because I couldn't understand what I'd done to upset him, so much. It was a lengthy process to come to understand my role in the rollercoaster along with why he behaves the way that he behaves. On the surface, it probably "appears" that I'm the unfeeling one and him still holding feelings, but deep down I truly believe that it had been the other way around. I just don't walk around others with my heart on my sleeve, positively nor negatively. I'd never been the one to force a breakup in relationships until this divorce.

[continuosly blue]

[QUOTE=healingme4me;4728259]I am pretty sure that I know what you mean. I had worked on detachment skills long before filing. I had to, because it was an emotional rollercoaster. He'd behave in a reactive manner and I'd become upset because I couldn't understand what I'd done to upset him, so much. It was a lengthy process to come to understand my role in the rollercoaster along with why he behaves the way that he behaves. ( QUOTE )

You know , now that I look back I can't believe how much time I wasted trying to figure out just where she was coming from. Or trying to get the truth out of her about how she " really" felt. Time I could have been using to prepare myself for the inevitable. That's what kills me the most. Wasted time. It's precious.

[avlady]

i was in a relationship for 4 years and lived with my ex and even had his child. we were engaged and he would never set a date to be married so i took it upon myself to get away, as he was also abusing me mentally and pshysically. i was awarded my son to me in custody court because we weren't married.

[Mid-Life-Larry]

continuosly blue,
Seems like, for years I've been trying to mend our marriage. I'm very close to calling it quits.
When did you feel you hit your breaking point? -- I mean, was it one event or was it a series of events or actions?

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Mid-Life-Larry

continuosly blue,
Seems like, for years I've been trying to mend our marriage. I'm very close to calling it quits.
When did you feel you hit your breaking point? -- I mean, was it one event or was it a series of events or actions?

Hi Mid-Life-Larry,

I certainly know how you feel. I'll make this brief here and you can contact me personally if you want to ' friend " or just talk.

The signs were there many years ago , it's just that I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't realize I was losing her. Things that she said that I let go over my head , ( maybe because I didn't want to believe she didn't love me anymore ).

Trust : As far as I'm concerned if there's no trust , and lying, and secrets , and suspicion
there's usually some truth to it. This went on for years.
And then the clincher was when she pulled away from me when I tried to hug her.
No more physical contact , with NO explanation. No verbal communication. Separate bedrooms. Ignored. This went on for a few years.
Eventually after much psychological abuse , I got the guts to file for a divorce.
You see , I was scared , I had other issues , I didn't think I could ever be alone ,
and believe it or not I thought we could fix it.

So to answer your question I knew a long time ago that it was over. I just didn't want to believe it. So I held on to something that was broken and UNFIXABLE..
You will know when. And when you do , give it a try for a little while. But don't waste years of your life trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

Best to you.

[valeriejayne]

My husband of 30 + years asked for a separation last spring. He's a functional alcoholic and was one when I married him.
I think I knew it was near the end a few years ago when his drinking increased to the point that he was doing things that married men shouldn't be. This caused a loss of trust for me.
I still loved him though. It was actually a huge surprise when he was the one that asked for the separation. I think I was scared, and still am, of being alone.
I just wanted to slip this in because your posts rang true for me. Knowing it was over, but almost being scared that it was over.
I believe you have to have trust to have a relationship and marriage. Once that trust is broken, it's hard to get back.
Thanks for listening to me...

[Ocean Swimmer]

I was engaged and living together twice and had both end. My idea.
Maybe because I suffer bipolar, I was incredibly cold and didn't feel like keeping in touch or anything.

I've known woman who've divorced after many years and carried a Torch for the Ex. Only remembering the good times.

I chose to remember nothing. I have some flashbacks but hardly ever.

[eskielover]

I was separated while living in the same house for 13 years because financial situations made it impossible to divorce. Both would have ended up with nothing though now I understand that situation only made my depression worse to the point of suicide attempts feeling it the only way to escape. After my mom died I sold the house & bought a farm 2100 miles away. Not initially thinking of it as the END of the marriage, my months at the farm working on the house & never thinking about H or missing him was a real awakening. 8 years later & all my money tied up in the farm, the divorce is still on the table since he's not filing....more expensive in Ca. I am the one paying for it so when I get the money or financial security becomes critical again, then it will become my highest priority.

Interesting that there was never real communication in our marriage & there was never communication on his part after I left. Being around normal people & learning I have no problem communicating with everyone around me, made me realize just what a dysfunctional person I was married to & explained why I was so miserable all those 33 years. It was such a relief to be away from him & sadly his inability to emotionally connect was just like my dad's. Realizing that no matter what the cause, the result is emotional neglect & the damage was done & now time to get on with life & after all those years I rather enjoy being alone but now I have wonderful friends & a support network that is more of a family than I ever had before. I am looking forward to getting the divorce finalized some day as this separation is no different than divorce as there is no communication at all other than my getting on his case about the IRS & the joint bank account he was running in the hole & the foreclosure on the house they came to me about because he wouldn't communicate with them either & the lost title to the car I left him to drive along with his destroying the paperwork needed to get a duplicate. 8 years later left on his own I see just how much I was carrying him all those years & how incapable he truly is, not one I would want to depend on in my old age to care for me if it were needed Sometimes all the garbage in the relationship shows there was never real love in the first place.

I now understand what I was dealing with & that his behavior is more normal for the spectrum location he is on...but even suggesting he gets dx'ed so he can get the help/support he needs...he's in denial & so are his parents....they couldn't have possibly had a son with that & had all kinds of excuses for his childhood behavior.

Marriage relationships are complicated & ending them even harder

[divine1966]

If you have kids you really can't completely cut it if you continue co parenting. I never had intentions to stop talking to each other. We still do even if our daughter is grown. We planned events together like her wedding etc I see no need to cut contacts. My ex is happily married and his wife is a sweetie. Just because we were a bad match and it didn't work out I see no need to be adversaries. Now if people have no kids then maybe yeah no need to keep talking to each other

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