[hubieg]

Let me start by saying I am a 51 year old married male. Relationships have always been a problem for me. I am open on the surface but feel deep inside that I keep my feelings closely guarded. In the last years I have noticed that I will tell my partners things that seem to them to be deeply personal, but I feel that is simply to keep them from digging deeper.

The main problem I am dealing with right now (among others) is that I cannot seem to simply and clearly end a relationship. I seem to do everything except come straight out and say "its over" (and stick with it). I will sabotage it through behavior (cheating, being difficult, ignoring it, etc), or I will simply drop off the face of the earth. I however NEVER in my entire life remember coming out and saying its over and then following through.

Im hoping that somebody may be able to shed some light on why I behave this way. I do know that I have a lot of insecurity from childhood experiences (my childhood was black and white, meaning it was either good or bad without much in between). I also know that I am more afraid of success than I am of failure.

I also feel like there are times when I have too much empathy with the feelings of others. An example of this was when I was caught cheating on my second wife with a total nut case of a woman. She was admitted to a mental hospital (SERIOUSLY bipolar!) after trying to kill herself twice (not over me). I actually would not not visit her to even save my marriage.

One other thing is that I LOVE the role of being "the white knight" that "rides to the womans rescue. This is something I sometimes find almost impossible to resist. This is one of the things that brought my current wife and I together. She was in an abusive relationship (of course I thought it was all him), and I set out to "save her".

So, all this being said, does anybody have any ideas where to begin looking for the cause of this behavior?? I know this is something I will have to find if there is any chance of leading a normal life in the future and having any kind of a normal relationship!

[Skeezyks]

Hello hubieg: I see this is your first post here on PC... so... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm afraid I can't be of much help with regard to this. One way or another, I have cut everyone I ever knew out of my life (except for my wife... & I keep her at arm's length as well.) I am pretty-much entirely solitary. I want nothing to do with anyone, in real life. So I'm afraid relationships aren't exactly my long suit, as they used to say... However, I wish you well...

[healingme4me]

I do find "normal" to be relative and/or subjective. That said since this is a place for support and not a great way to get anything specific since labels/diagnosis over the internet isn't truly accurate, noone can sincerely answer the question. Besides sorting through a lifetime can be rather complex never mind complicated.

Not that seeking information can't be helpful in helping you to help yourself.

Conflict avoidant typically comes to my mind when reading about straying from relationships. Your op addresses self esteem already which plays a role, but finding the source can take some professional guidance. And it's during those sessions where after listening they can start to guide you.

[hubieg]

Thanks to all so far! I agree that "normal" is not something easily pinned down. However it is very clear to me that my behavior is abnormal :-D

I have actually finally started counseling. More likely I need a true psychiatrist rather than a councilor, but had to start somewhere. I know its going to be a long road ahead. It took me 51 years to get here, I dont expect to solve it overnight. I feel like Im trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes as Im trying to figure this out.

I know nobody can answer it for me, but I am hoping to at least have clues where to begin looking :-D

[eskielover]

Interesting, in college I dated a guy who in our conversation about breaking up (we both knew we weren't a good fit for each other), he said that most of the time he would do things that would make the girl want to break up with him so that he wouldn't have her keep bugging him about getting back together. I thought that was a rather interesting philosophy......maybe there is some of that in your logic?

[hubieg]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Interesting, in college I dated a guy who in our conversation about breaking up (we both knew we weren't a good fit for each other), he said that most of the time he would do things that would make the girl want to break up with him so that he wouldn't have her keep bugging him about getting back together. I thought that was a rather interesting philosophy......maybe there is some of that in your logic?

Interesting point, but I dont think it really applies in my case. I did this all the way back to high school. In those days, in some ways, i couldnt even understand why they were with me in the first place. For me I think it has something to do with the pain of separation, the finality of it. If you just wander away, you dont really have to "deal with it" :-(

Thanks for the insight!

[hubieg]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Interesting, in college I dated a guy who in our conversation about breaking up (we both knew we weren't a good fit for each other), he said that most of the time he would do things that would make the girl want to break up with him so that he wouldn't have her keep bugging him about getting back together. I thought that was a rather interesting philosophy......maybe there is some of that in your logic?

I had an epiphany today as I was writing to myself. The statement does not apply to me, BUT it SURE could apply to my first wife! I had never really looked at it from that perspective!!! THANK YOU!!!!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I really wish that this whole site allowed far less SO bashing! Nobody is perfect! and NO marriage or relationship ending is EVER just one party's fault!! You got a hard time letting go? Sounds like u have a hard time seeing urself as less than perfect "white knight". Just saying. As a woman I can say that even tho a break up can be devastating... what's far worse is feeling your partner slowly slipping away from you and being told that it's nothing or they are distant cuz of u or that u are crazy! If your not sure u want to be with someone then TELL THEM STRAIGHT AND HONESTLY! cuz u are not sparing anyone's pain or feeling by "hanging in there playing the good guy"... We are not stupid! We can see when we,are losing someone's interest and it is confusing as HELL to not know what is going on with your ppartner. .. just communicate for heavens sake! Maybe if you worked on both sides of what is causing the detachment, you wouldn't keep ending up with"psychos" .... cuz most of us ladies are generally pretty fair kind and caring, what pushes us over the edge into crazy behavior is knowing something is off but never having it be acknowledged! That feeling doesn't just go away and if you aren't honest it will leave her to her own devises to find the truth! Thus blowing everything outta proportion fairing up emotions hurt anger resentment etc and leaving behind more pain than nessecary! Just Man Up and say your not feeling it anymore!! It still won't be pretty... these thing rarely are, but it doesn't have to get to the point of ugliness and high damage! If u ever loved the woman at least give her a chance to walk away with some sense of dignity intact!

[hubieg]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

I really wish that this whole site allowed far less SO bashing! Nobody is perfect! and NO marriage or relationship ending is EVER just one party's fault!! You got a hard time letting go? Sounds like u have a hard time seeing urself as less than perfect "white knight". Just saying. As a woman I can say that even tho a break up can be devastating... what's far worse is feeling your partner slowly slipping away from you and being told that it's nothing or they are distant cuz of u or that u are crazy! If your not sure u want to be with someone then TELL THEM STRAIGHT AND HONESTLY! cuz u are not sparing anyone's pain or feeling by "hanging in there playing the good guy"... We are not stupid! We can see when we,are losing someone's interest and it is confusing as HELL to not know what is going on with your ppartner. .. just communicate for heavens sake! Maybe if you worked on both sides of what is causing the detachment, you wouldn't keep ending up with"psychos" .... cuz most of us ladies are generally pretty fair kind and caring, what pushes us over the edge into crazy behavior is knowing something is off but never having it be acknowledged! That feeling doesn't just go away and if you aren't honest it will leave her to her own devises to find the truth! Thus blowing everything outta proportion fairing up emotions hurt anger resentment etc and leaving behind more pain than nessecary! Just Man Up and say your not feeling it anymore!! It still won't be pretty... these thing rarely are, but it doesn't have to get to the point of ugliness and high damage! If u ever loved the woman at least give her a chance to walk away with some sense of dignity intact!

Dear Madam,

I read back over all that I had written and unfortunately I cannot find any "SO bashing". In fact, what I believe I wrote and read was that "I" have a problem and that "I" need help correcting it. What I did not write was that I told her (my wife) of my behavior also.

Please be aware that once I do manage to come to terms with my bad behavior, I will not be reentering the dating pool any time soon. Not only is that because of my actions, but also because of "hair trigger, knee jerk responses" such as this that seems to be "the norm" with modern American women.

I wish you a good day!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hubieg

Not only is that because of my actions, but also because of "hair trigger, knee jerk responses" such as this that seems to be "the norm" with modern American women.

Hey, I kind of find offense with that :\

[hubieg]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Hey, I kind of find offense with that :\

No offense intended as I am mature enough to realize there are always "exceptions to the rule"!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Dear OP,
I wasnt exclusively refering to you post. I ment overall in the relationships and partners forums. I completely understand the need for ppl to vent about their relationships, but i do get very frusturated when post after post it becomes what an ahole/ crazy person someone SO is. Im glad you can acknowledge you have a problem. The next step is genuinely owning it as your problem and not as a reaction to the other's behavior. I was having a really bad day when i wrote that response. Reading back it does come off rather over the top. See we all vent. Lol. There is a point in there that is lost in my own issues tho... and that is you feel like you attract or end up with psychos.... maybe its time to consider 1. Are these woman normal seeming when you first meet then over time start acting crazy? If yes, then ask yourself how your behaviors may be effecting others. 2. If they are crazy from jump... Why are you attracted to bad behavior knowing where it leads down the road? Either way i just think you need to do some hard work exploring your own bad relationship patterns. Until you truly know yourself and what you want, there is no way to really have a good relationship even with the most level headed of woman.

[TakeMeWithYou]

hubieg I applaud you for having the awareness to recognize that you may be having an issue. There is a chance that you are having trouble with the pain of separation. I was also wondering whether you were a people please and maybe passive aggressive? IDK and wanted to throw those ideas out there as options for you to explore. Best of luck to you that you find what you seek.