how do you know that it is time??

After 21 years of being together, my wife woke up one morning and told me she does not think that she loves me anymore. We have been in counseling for the last 6 months, but I can't tell if it is helping. She is done one week and wanting to work on it the next. The funny thing is, the more that I suffer through this the more I am starting to realize that I may be the one who is done.

I am so confused, I went from clinging for dear life, hoping and praying that she would wake up and remember that she loves me. To not being sure that I still want any of this. It is hard not blame her for the way that I feel, or not to blame my MI. I feel like a terrible person, she appears to be trying(I think) but then she will come home and tell me that she wishes she had married a doctor so that she did not have to work. Or that she does not know if she still believes in monogamy.

I don't know how long I can deal with all of this turmoil, it is really triggering for me. For those of you who are going through, or have gone trough a divorce. How did you know when it was time?

I think it was when the pain of being in a relationship was greater than the pain of living alone. That took some doing since I have abandonment issues and had a hard time being by myself. For me it was when my spouse at the time would sabotage the marriage counseling and cheated on me when he was away from me. There were other things too but the fact that he didn't care about me--all he cared about from me was that I didn't ruin his reputation--really struck the deal for me.

Hi jpb4815,
Sorry you're going thru this mess. -- I'm going thru something similar; but not as sudden and abrupt as 'one day she woke up.....'

We decided to separate a few months ago; I didn't fight too hard. I'm 50 years old and just KNEW I did not want to be unhappy for the next part of my life.

Try to live YOUR life....
Maybe meet people of similar interest and similar situations; perhaps (if you haven't already) search for your local chapter of DBSA and/or NAMI; they surely have support meetings in your area.

Good luck man, and take care of YOU!

She might be having an affair. That's just my gut feeling because you mentioned she said she doesn't believe in monogamy any more. Maybe that's why she's sabotaging the counseling.

Some people have enough from when things first go bad, others never say 'enough' and desperately cling until the bitter end. Sometimes the other person says 'enough' and just ends it and we have no choice. Sometimes it's back and forth insanity forever.

I'm going through this myself, too.

It could be that your wife is having a mid life crisis. It sounds like she's envious of other people's money and leisurely lives and maybe she's trying to find a new relationship with a rich guy. She might not be thinking straight. I believe the mid life crisis is a real thing.

I'd ask her if she is having an affair.

One thing that struck me about your post is the emotional rollercoaster being brought to the table. Coming home to tell you that she wishes that she married a doctor so that she wouldn't need to work is both mean and not entirely true. Many doctor's wives, at least many of the ones that I've noticed around here have wives that do work.

Maybe set a limit as to what is acceptable relationship conversation? For instance specific cause and effects with feelings.

Her built up resentment is hers to own and to sort through to find out what exactly it is that causes it.

Is she committed to working on this or is this just a waste of money in therapy? Will this couples counseling turn into her justification to say, yep, I tried, it didn't work. That's something worth asking.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

I am afraid that she is just going trough the motions just to say that she did before she leaves. I have asked her outright if she is having an affair and she swears that she is not.

She is confusing, three weeks ago I told her that I was leaving if she did not get her own therapist and start working on her issues, she went out and got one the next day. Then when I thanked her for doing that she said it had nothing to do with my ultimatum, but in the same breath asked for some time to work her stuff out.

I was so clear as to what I wanted when i delivered the ultimatum, now I am unsure if I have it in me to try any longer.

I found that when I thought I had enough, all the therapy did was to verify that what I felt was right though it took me 13 years to finally get out because at that time I was financially trapped in the marriage. Couldn't even move out of the house so I moved into my own section of the house so I didn't have to be around him. One can have enough & still be stuck there. I was so thankful when I was finally able to leave. I never looked back of had any desire to be with him again even though I did give him one more chance at my own new farm on my terms

I am in the same position as you, but I've reached the stage where I have truly had ENOUGH. I think it's different for everyone, and some people would much rather try forever then move on. For me, the moment came when I did ALOT of soul searching and realized that my husband will never change. The man that has ate a ham sandwich everyday for lunch for 30 years doesn't have it in him to change:-(
So I had to be honest with myself. Could I live in this marriage if nothing changes for the rest of my life? The answer is no.
As for your wife's comments, eskielover had a great point in a different post. Love can't grow where there is no respect. She isn't showing you much respect with these comments.
I hope you find your answers. It's a very hard decision...but then, I think leaving a marriage should be. You probably already know the answers un your heart. Its just having the courage to admit them to yourself. Your not alone:-) Post, vent, ask for advice. We are here to help.

When the pain and fear out weighed the pleasure and hope. When it became crystal clear that there was no hope of things ever getting better. I was in therapy at the time so I knew what a good marriage could be and ours was never going to be a good one. I divorced her!

She asked for a trial separation on Tuesday. what is funny is that I almost feel better. I have talked about this alot with my therapist. We/she feels that it is important that I stay stable ie. med compliant, sleep compliant. so that when and if the time comes, it won't be about my illness.

Aside from the last 5 days I have been goo, but started to get hypo over the weekend, thankfully I was able to get some sleep last night. and my meds got switched . Aside from the seroquel hangover, I have hope that I will get through this.

Sorry to hear how quickly things went from time to work on her own therapy to trial separation.


"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Yeah my head is spinning. We are now going from trial separation to talking about divorce. I think this has been over for a long time.

I'm sorry your going to be seperated. You initially said you felt a bit of relief when she wanted a seperation. I think that's the sign that your struggle has been going in for too long. It's stressful when a conflict drags on and on without any en in sight. And it's a relief when you can move forward...even if it's not forward into the perfect future you hoped for. I guess it's the relief that the anger, stress, pain, frustration may actually end one day. Hang in there, try to focus on the tasks u need to accomplish as you move forward so you don't drown in your emotions. Thinking of u.