[Danay]

Whilst making my own hot drink I asked my husband what he wanted to drink. For no reason other than he could he snapped back "stop forcing drinks down me"!! I asked him nicely to stop speaking to me like that. His response was a tirade of stop picking on him and all he needs is a one way ticket and passport - he doesnt work from choice so relies on me for everything ( a whole different discussion )
Next thing hes calling me darling and sweet heart.

I'm at my wits end with his irrational unprovoked rants. What do you make of it?. I just cannot get my head around what hes doing

Am I stupid and should just pay for a passport and one way ticket home??

[gayleggg]

Sounds like he may be in need of medical help. Could be suffering from depression. Check with his doctor.

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC!

There's no reason to think you are stupid or delusional. You are just frustrated with your h's behavior.

You could offer him a one way ticket and passport and get rid of him, if that's what he really wants.

[Danay]

So over the weekend out of the blue DH informs me hes not here to live up to anyones expectations and hes only here to be fed. Following which he flew into a raging rant when I asked he didnt speak to me like that.
Couple of hours later once he had calmed down I told him its over I am leaving him, he has 2 weeks to think about it then the house goes on the market.
In an hour hes begged me to stay, got himself into a state vomiting and hyperventilating, saying he'll change ( already promised that many times over 8 years but hasnt ). Promised he will go on medication ( has already promised that 4 times during last 6 years, in fact theres a prescription still waiting to be filled ). So far I've held my ground and kept saying I am going.
But how do I when hes in this state??. I've nowhere to go until after xmas when I can house sit. Meantime I'm stuck here but scared he will wear me down and talk me out of it

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Danay

So over the weekend out of the blue DH informs me hes not here to live up to anyones expectations and hes only here to be fed. Following which he flew into a raging rant when I asked he didnt speak to me like that.
Couple of hours later once he had calmed down I told him its over I am leaving him, he has 2 weeks to think about it then the house goes on the market.
In an hour hes begged me to stay, got himself into a state vomiting and hyperventilating, saying he'll change ( already promised that many times over 8 years but hasnt ). Promised he will go on medication ( has already promised that 4 times during last 6 years, in fact theres a prescription still waiting to be filled ). So far I've held my ground and kept saying I am going.
But how do I when hes in this state??. I've nowhere to go until after xmas when I can house sit. Meantime I'm stuck here but scared he will wear me down and talk me out of it

You probably can't really put the house up for sale if he doesn't want to sell. What would you really like to happen? Do you want to start marriage counseling and force him to take the meds?

Tell him if he really wants away from you that badly, fine. Offer to buy his one-way ticket and passport, just like you buy everything else for him, but tell him once he's off that bus/train/plane he fends for himself. Either he will take you up on the offer, or he'll leave you alone. Either way, you win!

Edit: Read your followup post, and good for you! Keep standing your ground with him. He is a grown man, let him worry about his own mental state, you worry about yours. He will realize soon the hole he has dug for himself.

Do you have anyone you could stay with until you're able to house sit? Any friends or family?

[Danay]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You probably can't really put the house up for sale if he doesn't want to sell. What would you really like to happen? Do you want to start marriage counseling and force him to take the meds?

In this country I can. The mortgage is in both names but hes never contributed one iota. If he should refuse to sell it is possible to get a court order. However I am pretty sure he wouldnt want the house anyway.

I honestly think its way past marriage counselling. He would need to get help for his mental health issues first. His OCD has really revved up since I told him, one of his irrational fears is taking any medication. He cant swallow any tablets without choking. I even buy kids tylenol for him.
What I want is peace and quiet and a clean house that doesnt smell. Unfortunately unlike many with an OCD he has an aversion to washing his hands - I'm talking about chopping woods, feeding cats and dogs, newspaper ink, eating spare ribs and using the bathroom all without washing his hands then expecting intimacy. Puke

[Danay]

Originally Posted by ennui.

Tell him if he really wants away from you that badly, fine. Offer to buy his one-way ticket and passport, just like you buy everything else for him, but tell him once he's off that bus/train/plane he fends for himself. Either he will take you up on the offer, or he'll leave you alone. Either way, you win!

Edit: Read your followup post, and good for you! Keep standing your ground with him. He is a grown man, let him worry about his own mental state, you worry about yours. He will realize soon the hole he has dug for himself.

Do you have anyone you could stay with until you're able to house sit? Any friends or family?

Thank you for replying. I am standing firm but his behaviour has really escalated.
I really doubt he'll ever realize. He really thinks hes so hard done by. Go figure

[TishaBuv]

I am rooting for you to stay strong and safe and hold firm. It sounds like you just have to get out. He won't/can't change. Save yourself. It's not going to be easy. These next two weeks are going to be a dangerous time, please be careful.

[Danay]

Thanks for replying.
Had hideous hideous few days. Hes either sulking and ignoring me, ranting like a madman, slamming doors, vomiting and crying, telling me hes the best thing ever to happen to me, begging me not to go.
My brain resembled to scramled eggs .
Today he said he'd to absolutely anything for me to stay.
When I said ok get to the psychaitrist he changed his mind, based on what it costs.
Now he reckons hes "embraced his mental illness and if I love him I should too"
Surely if he loved me as he claims he'd go and get meds regardless of the cost?? - its me that would be paying.
I feel so jumbled up. I cant think
Appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks in advance!

[TishaBuv]

Just keep holding firm. Do you think he can get violent? You said you'd give him two weeks to decide, then you put the house up for sale. Well it's been one week.

BTW- his behavior right now is totally what one would have expected.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you have to put up with this
You're very strong, standing up to him and such. Keep doing that!

[Danay]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Just keep holding firm. Do you think he can get violent? You said you'd give him two weeks to decide, then you put the house up for sale. Well it's been one week.

BTW- his behavior right now is totally what one would have expected.

No hes more like to hurt himself that me. Hes already threatened to go into the garage and hang himself. I did think about removing a rope but then thought if i did I'd be buying into his games.

Is his behaviour what happens??

[Danay]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm sorry you have to put up with this
You're very strong, standing up to him and such. Keep doing that!

Thanks for replying. I dont feel strong. I'm a bag of nerves. Cant sleep, cant eat and my IBS is having a field day

[TishaBuv]

My h and I have had a war, basically, over one specific issue. We are now with a marriage t and things are a little better.

He and I both had all kinds of drama and even sui threats. Neither did it. I doubt your h will either. (Maybe remove the rope jic)

Hold firm. When he sees you are serious, he will go to therapy and take the meds.

Do you still want him, if he makes some progress and works with a t?

[Danay]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

My h and I have had a war, basically, over one specific issue. We are now with a marriage t and things are a little better.

He and I both had all kinds of drama and even sui threats. Neither did it. I doubt your h will either. (Maybe remove the rope jic)

Hold firm. When he sees you are serious, he will go to therapy and take the meds.

Do you still want him, if he makes some progress and works with a t?

Thanks Tish
I doubt he will ever take meds or see a therapist. Hes of the mindset hes fine as he is and the problem is mine - apparently I should accept as he is. Which means him not working, not cooking, very limited housework, doesnt drive so doesnt shop. Its like living with a spoilt brat and i am his mummy Grrr

[brooke34]

If you can actually find the strength to leave, I urge you to do so and not look back. I'm in a similar situation but I finally left not too long ago, only to turn around and go back under the naive belief that he would be different. Trust me, he won't change. He may do things temporarily to make you believe that changes are being made and to make you think there is enough progress on his end to give you hope. Don't fall for it. I know that leaving is the hardest part, but if you can manage that, you'll end up just fine.

[Danay]

Originally Posted by brooke34

If you can actually find the strength to leave, I urge you to do so and not look back. I'm in a similar situation but I finally left not too long ago, only to turn around and go back under the naive belief that he would be different. Trust me, he won't change. He may do things temporarily to make you believe that changes are being made and to make you think there is enough progress on his end to give you hope. Don't fall for it. I know that leaving is the hardest part, but if you can manage that, you'll end up just fine.

Thanks Brooke34
Yup you are 100% correct.
I have been already to go at least 5 times before and hes always promised me the moon but then completely stuffed up yet again.
I know if I tell him when I am actually going he'll apply even more pressure but I have 2 weeks work 6 hours away booked for xmas week and week after. I have been slowly leaving clothes in my work office. I'm going to let him think I am going away to do the temporary contact but not come back. Bugger him. I've had more than enough.
You too stay strong and find a way to go. Life is to short for this bs

[TishaBuv]

It sounds like you've made your plan to leave and end it. You are right to see it for what it is and get out. Be safe and smart. Consult an attorney. Wishing you the best, T

He has no right treating you this way and none of this is your fault.
Have you ever thought of counseling? It could be an option... Im sorry...

[Danay]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It sounds like you've made your plan to leave and end it. You are right to see it for what it is and get out. Be safe and smart. Consult an attorney. Wishing you the best, T

Thanks Tish,
Friday nite and all day yesterday he was absolutely diabolical. I have everything in place except my emotions. I'm a fumbling mess. Cant eat, cant sleep and extremely anxious.

[Danay]

Originally Posted by DaX15

He has no right treating you this way and none of this is your fault.
Have you ever thought of counseling? It could be an option... Im sorry...

Thanks for replying
He doesnt believe theres a problem. He truly believes we have a good marriage and I just need to accept him as he is but that actually means having a self centred teenager to care for who expects all the rights of a husband. Not happening!.
Hes a self centred bully who expects to stay at home doing "my hobbies" whilst I work to support him and come home to him demanding when supper is

[TishaBuv]

He thinks he's a pimp, getting you to support him. It ain't that kind of party!

[avlady]

this is not right, don't waste any more time please. i was so happy after an abusive relationship with a good support system, my family. thank God for them, i am so thankful for them.good luck

[TishaBuv]

I hope you are ok after the earthquake.