[Looking4happiness7]

My husband and I have been married 13.5 years and now he wants a divorce. Things started getting bad when we moved to a different state for his work 4 years ago, he changed a lot. About 6 months ago he started pulling away from me playing more and more video games and just avoiding me altogether. About 1.5 months ago I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me and he said he didn't know as we have become more like roommates but agreed to work on it without marriage counseling (he said it was a waste of money and wouldn't work) so I agreed. I tried to get close to him for almost 4 weeks while spinning into a deep depression as he was colder than ever whenever I tried, eventually he stated his heart was not in it and he wanted a divorce and I agreed to it.

Now that things are in motion he is telling me he thinks he may have made the wrong choice while still filing for the divorce. He cries, tries to talk to me all the time (we live in the same house for now until I can move back to my home state), and has even tried to hug me. I tell him I don't want the divorce but he still went ahead and filed. I don't understand him at all and I feel like I'm slipping into a black hole. I'm trying to accept the divorce but he keeps giving false hope and it has really effected my anxiety while slamming in to a depression.

I'm looking for some sort of guidance as I'm so confused. I cry every day and I don't feel like I'm handling this very well because he is always contradicting himself.

[Open Eyes]

@Looking4happiness7 welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry your husband is struggling and has given up on the marriage. It sounds like he should be seeing a therapist about his confusion and before he makes a major decision like this he may regret.

Could he be unhappy with this new job?

[Looking4happiness7]

Thank you @Open Eyes. No, he likes his new job and the money he makes. I tried to get him to go to counseling for himself and he says he looking for help but still wants this divorce. Right now he is in his cold phase because he moved out of the house and staying at a hotel but the minute we're in the same room together he goes back to a sweet and loving husband. I just don't know what to do any more.

[Open Eyes]

Well, you can't spend your life living around HIS problems you can't possibly find happiness doing that. It may be the best for YOU to let him have this divorce so you can focus on finding your OWN happiness, you do deserve that.

He may be going through mid life crisis, is he near 50?

[Looking4happiness7]

He is almost 42.

[Open Eyes]

Hmm that is young yet but I am no expert and he may be experiencing reduced testosterone levels. He should have checked

The stress this is causing you is unhealthy. You deserve to have a sense of secure direction in your life.

[Open Eyes]

Do you have children?

[Have Hope]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your pain and for what you're going through.

It seems that your husband has conflicted feelings about the divorce, despite still wanting one. It is very natural to have conflicted feelings, which shows he must still care for you on some level or even love you still.

My advice would be to try and accept his decision, as hard and as painful as that can be.

When two people grow apart and begin living as roommates when it is a marriage, the marriage must have at some point gone off track. Thinking back on your years together and the most recent years, do you feel you have grown apart? Keeping a marriage together takes effort and work, especially as the years go on. Did the romance disappear? Did sex disappear? Were you two living separate lives after a while, with separate interests, friends and activities? Think back on it - you don't have to answer me. I am just probing to see your perspective on where things may have started to unravel and to discover for yourself at which point did you start living as roommates, as he says.

I, too, am going through a divorce right now. It's not fun and it's not easy whatsoever, so I feel for you.

[Shaggi76]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My wife has just asked me for a divorce after 14 years. For us we became roommates. She loves me and I love her but the sex stopped and she says it is my fault. She told me she tried but just couldn’t do it anymore. My suggestion is you work In you and focus on yourself. If you can get yourself happy things will work out the way they are meant to be.

[MickeyCheeky]

i am So Sorry that you're dealing with ALL of this! Your Husband certainly sounds confused. i'd agree that therapy and/or Marriage counselling could help but he seems to refuse. i am afraid there isn't much you can do as this is a decision that concerns him. If he truly feels this way and seems convinced in going forward then i am not sure there are many other alternatives. So Sorry about this certainly difficult situation. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Looking4happiness7, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Looking4happiness7]

No children, we tried but could never conceive.

[Looking4happiness7]

It seems like everything disappeared once we moved to this state 4 years ago. He really got in to gaming and I felt like I was just his maid/cook/caretaker/accountant/personal assistant.

[AZ Dad 1979]

It sounds to me like he wants to do whatever makes him happy. The reason he is super nice when he sees you is probably because he’s horny. Even when a man is unhappy in their current situation, when hormones kick in and sex is desired it is hard wired within a man to use the currency a woman responds to in order to get what is wanted. Man wants sex, man emotionally nurtures the woman. It’s one of the saddest yet most effective way to “get what you want” from the fairer sex. I’ve watched so many of my own friends do it. So if you want your husbands true feelings, offer communication and willingness to counsel but leave sex off the table at first. Then you can see what his priority or angle is when he’s being nice. Good luck and I pray for comfort for you during this struggle.

[Here we go again]

Hi!

Hang in there. Reading through your post and I could have written it almost the same. The holiday season plus quarantine has made things so difficult for everyone, I feel for you. I am going through exactly the same right now.

Be kind to you, and focus on self care. Of course there are mixed emotions as this is life changing and final decisions with dire consequences. The best advice I can give you is to concentrate on YOU and be the best version of yourself. The world is going through a glass val crusts and I wish people in crisis would realize that being indoors for 9 months is not normal and not a representation of a relationship. Everyone is struggling, I don't think is a coincidence that you can't even get an appointment with a counselor or a lawyer now because everyone is on the same boat.

I wish my husband would get help for himself. Right now I care about his well being also. I love him and it's so hard. We have a healthy happy family, and he struggles with undiagnosed mental health issues from his job, plus the fact that his new job has completely changed the dynamics of our lives and has swallowed everything.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I completely understand. I am also in the "move and everything goes to hell" situation. This has been so hard, it's also hard when the other doesn't love you anymore.

Do you have kids?