Divorcing in my late twenties

I have been with my husband for ten years. We have had an extremely difficult year filled with many fights, and he has decided he wants a divorce. I was willing to continue working on the relationship, with counseling however, he is not interested in doing so. I am hurt that he decided to give up on our relationship as our lives (thankfully no kids) are extremely integrated. Between monthly gatherings with friends, my close-knit family, businesses, and many traditions we've created over the years, I am shocked that we are separating. I did not imagine that my life would turn out this way. I feel like I have to completely restart from zero in my late twenties. I cannot imagine dating as I haven't done so since I was 16 years old. I can't imagine having to go through everything a relationship entails again with someone else. I don't understand why he chose to give up, but I hate that this is where I am at in my life right now. All of my friends are either married, engaged, or in long-term relationships. I don't have any single friends. I also have no idea what my living situation will be like. I feel like my husband will want to sell our home, but I cannot imagine moving back in with my parents, I do not have money to purchase a new home as everything in the area we live in is almost double the cost of our home now (the market here is insane especially since we bought), and renting is not an option right now. Not to mention when I am able to rent, the options in my budget compared to my current home are just sad. Our mortgage is so cheap because we bought our home right before the market went crazy, and there are no rentals even close to that price point. Not to mention we have heavily remodeled our home over the years. Every corner and piece is perfectly curated and picked out by me, and I cannot imagine going through this again somewhere else (remodeling is so expensive and time-consuming). We also work together, and I have no idea what will happen to our business. All he has said to me is that he thinks we should use a mediator. He's living with his parents, and we are not communicating, I tried to make it clear that I think divorce is a mistake, but he doesn't want to hear it. I am not sure how to move forward, I am sad, lost, and feel unmotivated to do anything.

It's hard when a couple lives and works together. There is no time to have some privacy and get a break from each other. A relationship can end up with a "cabin fever" scenario where you drive each other crazy and become desparate for space. This pandemic has caused a lot of challenges in relationships, a lot of separations and divorces are happening due to couples being cooped up with each other too much.

At least you don't have children to worry about as that makes it so much more challenging. Please know that you are not the only one experiencing this very challenge this past year which has a lot to do with Covid and the impact that has had on so many couples.

You are still young. Though i can imagine that divorce is certainly hard try to at least take solace in the fact that you can definitely still rebuild your Life. It will perhaps take Time but Please do not give up Hope as you deserve to be Happy. i agree with the wise and wonderful Open Eyes about this perhaps being a difficult Time for many couples. Please do keep us updated and i am so Sorry if my post wasn't Helpful but i Hope and Pray that things will improve soon for you and your Husband. Have you tried to suggest couple counseling to him as well? Please do keep writing if you want to. Feel free to pm me if you want or other members if they're ok with it. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @ilovecatss, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks for your response and for the insight. I do agree with you, however, our work schedule was the same prior to COVID (we have worked together for around 5 years now). I am not sure that COVID has impacted us so much as other events this year including some financial strains and major health issues.

Hi @mickeychheeky, thanks for the sweet response it was heartwarming to read means a lot! I did ask if he was willing to go to couple's counseling and he was not. I also asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind, but he said no.

When he told me he wanted a divorce he said he doesn't blame me and thinks we just aren't a good fit. A lot of what he said didn't make sense to me, but I feel like anything I say or do at this point doesn't change anything. He is very stubborn and once his mind is made, it's impossible to change.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, it's helpful at a time like this. My family is very shocked and keeps telling me they think we will still get back together so it's difficult to talk to them as I know we will not.

Also - remember that if your house is in a crazy-market area, you and he will make a very good profit if you do sell, which you would split 50/50- and enable you to start your new life in a not-broke status. Legal advice is a good idea when assets hang in the balance, and therapy/counseling is a good idea when hearts hang in the balance.
I wish you well!!
As someone in late 40s, I giggle a little though. To me, you're still very very very young, with many many fruitful and productive years ahead. You'll be great. Do stuff for yourself - this can be an opportunity to re-invent yourself, explore what YOU want, without someone else's feelings/wants/needs to consider.

Hi @Toughcooki thanks for your response. Although that seems like a good, the problem is even with the profits there's not much available in my budget alone in this area, with two incomes we would get a better loan, but alone I qualify for little and will not be able to buy anything.

It is nice to hear that because even though I am young I haven't dated since I was 16 and can't imagine going back into the dating field as a 27-year-old. I can't help feeling old, even though I know in retrospect I am not. It feels like so much has changed since I was single, and after this gut-wrenching divorce, I can't even imagine being in another relationship.

Maybe you can buy him out and rent out a room or find a room mate? I think it would help if you talk to a lawyer to find out your rights.

I am sorry about divorce but trust me you’ll be fine! Better than fine!

My daughter is a widow, she widowed at 28. Lost her husband in a tragic accident. She is 33 now. She thought she’d never be happy again. She briefly dated a jerk shortly after but she got out really quickly as soon as she saw true colors. Other than that she met a wonderful man two years after she widowed and is getting married (wedding had to be postponed due to covid, they’ve been engaged since Christmas 2019). Hope for the wedding this summer. They bought a nice place together last spring and now doing renovations and they plan to start trying for a family soon after the wedding. Renovations include extra bedroom for possibly family expansion

But when her late husband first passed, she just kept saying life is sh...t, it’s all sh..t and there’s no way I’d get married again. But here she is. My future son in law is awesome. And I am sure her late husband smiles from above, he’d certainly approve

27!!!! Young. Whole life is ahead of you. I am sorry about your divorce but it’s surely not the end of the world. You’ll manage and you’ll enjoy what is ahead of you. Heck I am 55 and I feel young! Com’n!

Sending hugs!!!! You can do it

I am going through the same thing, but have 10 years on you. I wish I had gone through it sooner, not that it gives you any solace. It is a long, painful road tbh. Some days I take it day by day and some days I have to take it minute by minute. Lifestyle changes are an adjustment- I also had the house that I made exactly the way I wanted that was (in my mind) perfect. I am starting to cope with the mantra things are just things and they aren't what will bring you happiness.
I also went to live with my parents for 5 months, which I swore I'd only do over my dead body, and it ended up being better than I though. Helped me forgive them for any resentments I had, I saved a ton of money, and it was a better band-aid than immediately going to live alone.
This week I got a new job making substantially more and moved into my own place in an area I love. That's not to say it isn't filled with pain, because it is. But you KNOW you will get through it. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Why is he in a hurry to get a divorce? It seems like separation and marriage counseling would be wise.

Hi @divine1966 thanks for your response. I am so sorry about your daughter's first husband but am happy to hear that she is finally doing better. It's reassuring to read that she got back on her feet and remarried, because as of right now that really does seem impossible. I appreciate you taking the time to post ❤️

@BethRags I don't know, I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling or if there was anything I could do to change his mind. Unfortunately, he is really stubborn and when he makes up his mind he cannot be swayed. We have had a difficult year, but I feel that no effort was put in to fix the relationship and he seems to have given up. Despite the fact that we've had some incredible experiences, he is acting like the entire relationship was a failure.

Hi @SoloinFL thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry you're going through the same situation. We separated for two weeks right before Valentine's Day, and I had hoped the time apart would make him realize we should work on the relationship but instead he made it clear he wants a divorce. We spoke on Monday and that's when he decided we need to finalize the divorce and move forward so everything is still extremely raw and confusing at this point.

I am just trying to take it day by day right now, but most days I can barely get myself to eat anything. My parents would really like us to reconcile but are being very supportive and told me they will help me either way (whether I move in with them, or to help buy my husband out of the house with a loan). I am very grateful to them, as they are my rocks during this difficult time.

During the separation, my husband has been living with his parents and I have had the house to myself. I definitely am lonely, and the house is filled with memories and decorated with our photos, so it's been difficult to say the least. The only reason I am hesitant to move is that I'm a real estate agent, and we lucked out on our home. Most places in our area now sell for double and are cheap quality builds that are much smaller. The market here in the last five years has skyrocketed and continues growing (Seattle).

I know I will not be able to afford anything new alone. And renting here right now is such a waste, plus they require that rent is three times your income (so for a 2000 rental you need to make 6000 per month). We also did invest extensively in our home. When we bought we were doing extremely well financially and went pretty crazy with the furniture and designing. Just from a real estate perspective, I think it would make more sense for me to buy him out. Even if I do that and keep the place for a few more years I will still make a lot of profit on this home.

Thanks again for responding. Although I wish no one was going through this, it does help to hear from people in a similar situation. Especially those who have moved on, as right now everything just seems really bad.

Of course it’s all possible.

Oh she was on her feet just fine, losing her husband was hard in terms of feelings of losing her love, but not in terms of other things, it didn’t kick her of her feet or caused financial distress. It did not.

I mean you don’t need to be married to stand on your own two feet. I am just saying that if you want to be married again it’s certainly possible. At 27 you can’t possibly think that’s not attainable.

My ex and I were also divorced quite young, we are better co parents and friends than we were spouses, not a good match. We went on happily marrying other people eventually. Life doesn’t end with divorce. There is also no harm in being single. I was single quite a bit in between, many years and that suited me really well.

Also many people claim that being married is better financially yet many married people live in poverty and struggle paying their bills while single ones are enjoying their life (with kids or no kids). I don’t see how marriage is a solution to poverty at all. I was single most of my life and I did just great. I saved enough for retirement and I’d do just fine if I never married again. I married my second husband because he is a wonderful person and a great match for me but otherwise I am on my two feet all the same if I am single or married

You can have a great life regardless what happens next. Best wishes on your journey

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Originally Posted by ilovecatss @BethRags I don't know, I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling or if there was anything I could do to change his mind. Unfortunately, he is really stubborn and when he makes up his mind he cannot be swayed. We have had a difficult year, but I feel that no effort was put in to fix the relationship and he seems to have given up. Despite the fact that we've had some incredible experiences, he is acting like the entire relationship was a failure.

Do you think he's seeing someone?

No definitely not. We are together all day, we work together, and only have friends in common. We were friends for years before we dated.

Plus, with COVID there are no times when we leave the house. We also have been extremely busy with one of our businesses and with how much he was working it would be impossible for him to have time for an affair.

I hope for you that what you are saying is correct as far as him having an affair, because I would have said the same thing and found out I was so blind and stupid that my wife was having one for 18 months. She managed to find ways to be gone just long enough. Skip work and do it. Get off early and do it. Ugh!!! It makes you feel so dumb...

That's terrible But I know he's not having an affair. We work together at home, he is literally never gone. We grocery shop online, the only times he ever leaves is to see his parents and we both share our location on our phones so I know that every time he left to his parents he was with them.

Looking back, I feel like he going through something. He opened a successful business when we were dating and started making a lot of money. We were traveling to very luxurious places and had an insane wedding, but then there were some issues and he had to shut it down. After that the next two businesses he tried to open failed, and now he's back in school finishing his degree. Not just me, others around me have mentioned he seems down and I noticed it too. I think he's going through something inside, but he's not verbal and has trouble communicating so he keeps everything to himself. I think his internal troubles have made him a difficult person, but also is why he just dropped our marriage. It seems like he's unhappy, and blaming our marriage.

In retrospect maybe I should have tried harder to understand what he was dealing with, the problem was I myself was going through some very scary health problems that I'm still dealing with a year later. I spent three months in bed barely able to get up and then spent months regaining my strength. So I have been a bit busy dealing with that.

UPDATE

We (mostly him) have decided to proceed with mediation. We have our appointment this week on Thursday.

Essentially after he told me he wants a divorce he ignored all my messages for the week. Finally, it was time to pay for our credit card, and the card he uses had 5K on it this month (this doesn't include any of our house expenses or mine for the month). I reached out to him because we didn't have enough to cover all our expenses this month. I asked him if he could cover some (he owns some stocks), he didn't respond so I sent him a follow-up which caused a short conversation that did not go well.

My soon-to-be-ex husband had a successful business for a few years earlier in our relationship. He took me on a lot of luxurious vacations, bought me gifts, and used the funds to help start one of our joint ventures, pay for the house, and furniture etc. Pretty much everything, he even bought me a 20K engagement ring, and our wedding was close to 100K. I was always grateful for him, and the money was amazing (financial freedom does feel good) but when we were dating he was extremely poor so when his business was closed a few years ago, and we started having financial issues I didn't feel that it caused us any relationship strains.

But after I asked him to help with the bill, he brought up all these things he did for me. And basically made it seem like I should pay for the 5K because he paid for me for years. He went back to school a year ago and I have been paying for everything, but the last few months we have been really tight on money. This last month he got a ton of work on his teeth (of course I've been asking him to our entire relationship but he does it when we are divorcing) and spent money at Costco to furnish a room at his parents and a ton of groceries.

First, I am waiting to get paid commission on a few houses but don't have the money right now (he knows this). Second, I feel that it's unfair that I have to pay for him when he asked for a divorce and is treating me so poorly during this separation.

Am I out of line? Should I just find a way to pay for him since he spent so much money on me? Even though I am struggling financially right now?

He paid for you in the context of an ongoing relationship. You treated him well and the bulk of the items you mentioned were jointly enjoyed. Now he is asking you to pay while he is on his way out, while not treating you well, for expenses that were his alone, not jointly undertaken and enjoyed.

Well put. I don't know why, I just feel so guilty. And I don't even have the money to cover his expenses anyway, I just feel bad that I don't have the money to pay for this and not ask him. This just seems so sad that our relationship has gotten to this point. I never imagined we would get divorced or be arguing about money.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand his will to divorce and give up, that's just so unfair, tbh. However, I would leave him alone