Struggling with a Loveless Marriage and Fear of Being Alone – Seeking Advice

I grew up in a conservative South Asian family, where we were financially comfortable, but the emotional environment was far from healthy. My father was disrespectful, abusive, and never showed any kindness and respect to my mother, me, or anyone else. By the time I was in middle school, my parents had clearly fallen out of love but stayed together because divorce was taboo in South Asian culture – it still is. The only positive aspect of my childhood was academics. I also used to play tennis and, at one point, thought I could be a professional tennis player. I beat some senior competitors, including some state-level athletes, when I was just 10 or 11. However, my father didn’t care about that success and even destroyed my tennis gear – old used equipment I had received from my cousins – because he believed it would distract me from my studies.
Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave home. Living with a father who was always cruel and a mother who constantly pitied herself created an unbearable, toxic atmosphere. Luckily, I got the opportunity to attend a decent university after high school, and I’m grateful that my father financially supported my education which wasn’t cheap. I finished my degree and found a job.
My first paycheck was low – barely half of what I was used to spending each month. My friends also came from financially comfortable backgrounds, and we partied hard, hitting clubs and drinking every weekend, with no regard for responsibility. I was young and foolish, convinced myself that this job was beneath me, so I didn’t put much effort into it. During this time, my father’s business went under, and we lost almost everything, sinking into a lower middle-class lifestyle.
In my third year of college, I had met a girl (let’s call her X) at a sports event. We hit it off and became friends. At that time, both of us were in relationships, but eventually, I broke up with my girlfriend for personal reasons, and X had become single as well. Our friendship deepened, and eventually, we fell in love and moved in together. We didn’t have much in common. In fact, we were the opposites. But I thought as people say opposites attract, I thought it will work. I thought with her, I could become more responsible, drink less, and be serious in life. I anyway did a little later in life but don’t think it was because of her. I can’t say I have many fond memories of that period – I was scared of being alone and not very responsible, but at least X respected me. After a previous breakup, I was terrified of being alone again, so I stayed in the relationship, convincing myself I could change. We got married, but shortly after, I lost the job I had always foolishly thought was beneath me. I struggled to find work for the next year, and during that time, my mental health deteriorated. X had a job, so she was the one supporting us financially.
Our marriage was filled with constant arguments. She started calling me names, blaming me for ruining her life, and telling me I was lazy, and useless disregarding my mental state. My depression worsened. There were many times when I thought about ending either the marriage or my life (I still think of ending my life too because of this failed marriage I am in.)
A year later, I moved to New Zealand for further studies, and X joined me. She found a well-paying job in Australia, and we managed to stabilize our finances. I struggled after graduation, and once again, X had to help pay the bills. Living together became a challenge. Whatever love, affection, and respect that were once there seemed to have disappeared, replaced by constant criticism. Nothing I did seemed right, and my lack of action was proof of my laziness, according to her. After my graduation, I pushed X to pursue a master’s degree, and she got into an Ivy League school in the US. We moved to the US, and I paid the bills while she studied. Eventually, she started earning significantly more than I did.
Years later, I began doing better in my career, but my Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and ADHD made it harder for me to keep up. Despite getting some grip on my life, I felt unsupported. There were countless days I would sit in my car, park somewhere, and cry, feeling completely lost. My mental state deteriorated, and we reached a point where we almost separated. However, both our families convinced us to give the relationship another chance, and we did.
Now, we both turned 40 this December, and we have a 2.5-year-old kid, Z. Our marriage is still lifeless. There’s no love, no intimacy, no respect. The only thing keeping us together is Z. Emotionally, I’m exhausted. X’s constant criticism – telling me how useless I am, how I don’t do enough for Z – cuts me deep every day. When we were younger, our sex life was filled with tension, with X constantly telling me I was a terrible lover and selfish. To some extent, I agree, but my own struggles with my mental state and with intimacy, especially with her hygiene, made it hard for me to feel connected. By the time the hygiene issue was addressed, the love had faded.
I am sure now X doesn’t fear of being alone because she has become more confident and knows Z will be with her in her life.
I’m at a breaking point. I’ve stayed in this marriage for Z, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I’m terrified of what would happen if we separated. I know mothers usually get custody of young children, and I fear losing Z from my life. I also fear being alone again. I’m in my 40s now, and I worry I won’t find someone who will love me for who I am. I’m also afraid that I’ll die alone. I know that, as a South Asian man who turned 40, I’m probably not seen as a desirable partner in North America.
I don’t know what to do. How can I get out of this emotional and mental prison? Should I stay in this marriage for the sake of Z, or should I prioritize my own well-being? I also worry that if X and I split, it could affect Z’s view of love and relationships. But I’m not sure how staying together in this toxic environment will affect Z either.
I’m really struggling, and any advice or insight would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hi @ rs09 - welcome to MSF. I am sorry your marriage is so unsettling. That must be really disruptive of your life.

You said
There are many questions and they are deeply rooted in your life, the marriage and Z. When a friend had this kind of difficult situation, they turned to a therapist and worked with them to sort things out. As a peer to peer member I am unqualified to tell you what to do and even if I tried I could give you an answer that turned out to be very unsatisfactory. A professional that specializes in relationships has seen these things happen many times and they have the tools to guide you with their wisdom.

I am happy to meet you and hope you get some other responses.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

The fear of being alone and single is not a good reason to stay in a toxic, loveless marriage. A toxic loveless marriage also will have negative effects on a growing child, so in your case, staying for the sake of the child is not a good reason to stay either, in my opinion. I agree that a therapist can help you sort out the issues better, but from my perspective, it is best to separate and go your own ways, allowing yourself the freedom to become the person you are meant to be and the freedom to find happiness in your life. You married at a young age, but that doesn't have to be a life sentence. The world is a vast and exciting place to live, and as single parent at the age of 40, you have many more years ahead of you and much more of life to experience. You would likely get 50/50 custody of the child, unless your wife is the vengeful type if you decide to divorce.

I divorced two years ago at the age of 52. I was scared to be alone and single again. It took time for me to adjust, but now that I have adjusted to my single life, I am finding it to be most empowering and filled with joy in ways that I never experienced in my marriage or even before my marriage. I had a toxic marriage to an abusive partner. And now, two years later, I am so glad that I left him to find my own happiness in life - and that's precisely my goal.

You, too, can make happiness a goal for yourself. You're miserable now, and that will only continue and worsen as time goes on. The question you have to ask yourself is: what do I really want out of this one lifetime that I have to live? Do you want to be happy? Do you at least want a chance at happiness? Do you want to explore the world and go on many new adventures, meeting new people and making new friendships or would you prefer to remain in a miserable state of existence for the rest of your life?

These are hard questions, but important ones to ask yourself. Remember, we have only one life to live - and it's your choice how you want to live it. And it's better to separate now than it is when you are 50 or 60.. you still have many more years of life in you. 40 is still pretty young! If you live to 80, that's 40 more years to live!!!

So, how do you want to spend the next 40 years of your life? In freedom and finding happiness, or in misery, chained to a horrible marriage?

Yes, you can stay in this relationship for Z. The lesson for Z would then be taught is that relationships mean being unhappy and in a loveless partnership.

You don't seem a good fit for one another. Not to mention that there were so many red flags from the very beginning, yet you decided to still get together.

Your options are simple: stay if you both want to work on the relationship OR leave so you both get a chance at happiness.

Whether you stay or leave, one thing seems imperative and that is to work on yourself. You have been (and still are) carrying *a lot* of issues into this relationship, which may have contributed to the unhealthy status of this relationship. WOrk on yourself so that you do not bring this into any other relationship. And you may also be happier within yourself.

I decided to end a second marriage (which I'm quite aware of how much judgement I can receive from society from having "failed" twice). When I go home, am at peace. I no longer have to worry about someone berating me for no good reason and being blamed for things that were not my fault.

I did not imagine myself in this predicament at 45. Yet, here I am alone. Do I feel lonely at times? Actually, I do on occasion. I took off almost two weeks during the holidays and one week into it, i felt lonely. I'm not looking forward to this weekend, because I sort of feel lonely again. I've made some friends at work, and I look forward to seeing them.

I would not think that a 40 year old Asian man who is divorced and with a kid is out of the norm. I know lots of people who are divorced. As for custody being given to the mother, I can tell you I've worked with and was neighbors with men who had several children and they were single fathers. So, in this day and age, I believe that children do not necessarily stay with the mother. Courts do what is best for the child, regardless of whether it is the mother or the father.

I would recommend you seek professional help. Do you have health insurance benefits or benefits through work that can provide counseling or referrals? You could also consult with a divorce attorney.

For my first divorce, it took me several years of being separated before making the decision. The second time around, I knew it was the right choice for me so I was faster to end the marriage.

I know it's not easy. In my opinion, your house ought to be a safe place, where respect, civility, and dignity prevail. I'm so sorry about what you are going through.

Not necessarily. My manicurist, a super pretty blonde woman from Eastern Ukraine, prefers Asian men and recently left her husband, who was probably Ukrainian, too, for a Vietnamese man your age or older. She is in her mid-30s herself. He spent most of his life in the US, though, but still, here is a datapoint. I have seen their pictures together on Facebook and both their faces beam happiness.

So I would not write yourself off for being South Asian or for being 40, or both.

What will work against you on the relationship front now is that you are deeply depressed. You do not radiate confidence, most likely, you occasionally feel suicidal, X has managed to make you feel worthless – all of that. But not being Asian in general or South Asian in particular, and definitely not being 40.

In fact, my school best friend's mother used to tell us that her life only began at 40 (when she already had had my school friend and her elder brother). I could not believe it at that time, but now at 54 I can say that at least a significant chapter of my life began when I was 47.