toxic attention seeking in marriage

If anyone can offer insight from personal experience I would be greatly appreciative.
I am wrestling with an unhealthy need for attention from my husband due to craving attention from my father as a young girl. In my case, I didn’t have an absentee father but he was dealing with mental health issues and my sibling acted out very strongly and therefore received much more attention because of discipline - I was the quiet one. As an adult I understand why my childhood was the way it was but it unfortunately did not prevent me from developing some pretty bad character traits in terms of attention seeking. Socially I’m well balanced but at home I am really acting out to the point of starting fights and this has GOT to stop. It doesn’t help that my husband brings his own baggage into the relationship as well. I’ve been to a therapist before but he stated that I was ready to finish up counseling after a short time, and I felt so too because I also ready up on my concerns a lot and so quite a bit of the therapy was stuff I had heard already.
Just looking for anyone’s personal tips that helped them along the way and thank you very much!

I'll be honest
I got nothing of experience to offer BUT... I'll try to help
Has your husband ever gone to therapy? You already acknowledge yourt situation, but how do you feel it affects you? if it still does, do you consider going back to therapy?
WHY do you think the fights get started?

I'm unclear about unhealthy needs for attention in marriage? There's mention of arguing, what are the arguments about, if you don't mind sharing?

Is there a lack of connection? Is he not communicating? What's the expressed balance of attention that he's requiring?

Thank you for the replies....To answer your questions, my husband has gone to therapy but is not able to dissect the things that are bothering him and does not present them to therapist in order for him/her to help. He will talk at home and admit many things that bring him down, but in therapy everything is just fine. The fights could be about anything; the main thread that ties them together is my overly sensitive nature - I tell myself not to interpret things as a dig at myself because I know better but often my temper gets ahead of me. To add to it my husband's baggage includes being very moody and there is always the question of: is he being moody or am I imagining it. No amount of communication seems to resolve this for the next incident.

Is he talking with you about things that would be better addressed in therapy? Could tell him that, if need be.

Moody? Is he giving you the silent treatment? Being overly sensitive doesn't mean that what you are frustrated with isn't valid.

Hey love, thanks for the post. I get this to a good degree. I've been in relationships where I know my attention seeking and such is directed at my lack of (emotional) father figure. My dad is there and was there growing up but not emotionally and never asked me how I feel, etc. I am in and out of counseling and I also applied this and my resentment against my father in 12-step groups and step work. It helps a lot. Two things , well 3 things I've noticed helps:

1. Seriously working on myself / my growth /therapy/self help books or groups/ etc
2. Trying to rebuild a relationships with my father today and if that isn't an option for you, seeking out a family friend or uncle to get fatherly-love from, coffee dates, phone calls, etc.
3. I've noticed with my relationships I can only get so much of my emotional needs from my S/O. I have to get the rest from friends, family, God/universe, nature, relationships with myself, Etc. that's just me.

I hope this helps. therapy really works, I know a lot of my emotional abuse and sexual abuse from my past carried on and I'm still mad at my dad for never asking me about my personal emotional life. But with time comes healing, and taking it out on my boyfriend is never fair. I've come a long way in these areas. Much love!!

I also crave a lot of attention, in the form of constant reassurance that I'm loved (abandonment issues from my childhood). Usually this settles down when I've been in the relationship a while (I've had several serious relationships), although I can be overly sensitive still.
My current partner of 3 years is very patient and over the years has modified his behaviour so as not to set off my triggers. This makes me feel bad, but it's a positive reinforcing cycle...the more he does it, the less needy I am, the less he has to do it.
As for your situation, I agree with some other suggestions about couple therapy, also doing a great deal of work on yourself to overcome this.
You both have your separate issues...if he isn't willing to work on his, that doesn't stop you working on yours.
I have tried not responding to things my partner has said/done immediately, and taking some time to think it through. When I'm calm, I'll ask him, "When you said blah..did you mean....?" or "you're quiet...everything ok?" It's usually nothing to do with me.
This has taken me a long time, and a good therapist, to learn.
Hugs

Healmef4me~Yes his issues should definitely be in therapy and that's something I will probably need to revisit with him as time goes on. So far he's so closed off in the therapist's office (from what I hear) that while he's very polite nothing is accomplished.
Coconutoil and ceridwen - thank you so much. A lot of what you said has worked for me as well, to a point. I suppose what I'm taking away from this is - no matter how difficult, I have to let him be him and work in his own time and I must work on myself, no matter how hard it is to separate the two.

I wish you luck. Your clear sightedness and willingness to confront what is going on in your life is inspiring. I have no doubt that with your strength and intelligence, you will be fine.
Hugs

My dad was emotionally negligent or just not around growing up. I would pout around him and follow him around for any kind of attention. Eventually I gave up and rebelled. Then as I got older and started having relationships, I always needed attention. I would talk/text all day long. And if I got no reply I would worry right away. I also have severe abandonment issues. Might I also say that I have borderline personality where a lot of these traits are symptoms. Have you ever considered yourself BDP too? It's just a thought. Hope things get better for you soon. I know the pain.

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