Follow up to Courthouse - am I the only one?

Hi, I didn't want to jump in on Sunrise's thread, and I guess I know that the answer to this question is "no" but, am I the only one whose "soon to be ex" is not at all interested in cooperation and working out any arrangements or agreements? The divorce is because he decided he wasn't cut out for marriage, so he began an ongoing and unending string of multiple relationships with women on and offline for years until I found out. Then he pretended he wanted to work things out with me, all the while still meeting new people and still lying to me and our son. When I finally shook myself out of the denial phase and realized it was not going to change and I needed to get out, I filed for divorce. Now he's just ignoring that I've taken any action - other than using it to get sympathy with his new "women." He won't even sign the papers to get the process started. How can I have any hope that he'll come to agreements about anything? Have others had this type of difficult divorce? At this point neither of us want to be married to one another anymore. So why add insult to injury and make things harder, instead of just let the process happen and get it over with??

That reminds me of when I first talked to my husband about splitting up. I told him I didn't want to stay together anymore, not even until the kids were out of school. Then he just ignored that for another year and a half until I took action. It's as if he forgot the conversation took place. I think the marriage was comfortable for him. He had multiple affairs but never saw a problem with that. He thought he could have his wife and his affairs too. Wife could take care of kids, look after home, bring home some money in paycheck, and contribute to retirement funds. And he could have a social life on the side. It all worked pretty well for him, so why get out? I think your H is in a bit of denial. This probably isn't the answer you want to see, but if you truly hope the divorce to go somewhat smoothly and to be able to reach agreement, I think it would be helpful to give your H a bit of space now. Don't take any more court actions right now. Give him some time. Once you get started down the "litigate every step" path, it is hard to get off, and you will end up paying your lawyer (and his) a ton of money.

Are you still living together? If so, have you discussed how you will separate?

It is actually good that both you and your H do not want to stay in the marriage. Some of the most difficult divorces are when one spouse really wants the relationship to continue and the other doesn't.

Don't give up on cooperation and agreement yet!

Thanks, Sunrise. We are actually separated. He's been living at his mom's house since he walked out and told me he wasn't coming back - after I caught him still cheating, while he was telling me that he had stopped. He's not working, I've been paying off his credit card debt and for the car he drives, while his mom pays for his food and gas. He's basically living like a teenager and sees no problem with it. I think he's so deep into the denial and lies he doesn't even know it himself when he lies. It's just what comes out of his mouth. He's been telling all of these women that we were divorced for years. So he's used to the idea. I'm still feeling slammed with the fact that life as I expected it would be is completely gone. I appreciate your advice. But I think he's really sick, and in denial of that, too - so I'm not holding my breath that he'll eventually cooperate. Take care of yourself! A.

allabout, my answer has changed now that I read our latest message. If he is taking advantage of you financially--not working, and making you pay down his debt--I definitely think you should move forward legally on your own. Maybe have a brief talk with him first, "I can't keep paying your bills when you aren't even working. I'm definitely going to have to move forward with divorce. If you're not ready to do that yet, I need you to start paying your bills immediately." This is giving him "one last chance" before you do more legal stuff.

Also, make sure you talk closely with your lawyer. If he is not working, you may end up having to pay spousal maintenance (alimony) and that would totally not be fair. How long has he been unemployed? When figuring the maintenance, at least in my state, they "impute" income to a person if they are voluntarily unemployed or underemployed. So if your T is choosing not to work, he would be assigned an income of what he could make if he went out to get a job for purposes of figuring the maintenance. But his lawyer could fight that. On the other hand, how will he pay a lawyer if he is unemployed? I think a first order of business with your lawyer is to separate your finances. Close all joint accounts, including any joint credit cards. Make sure your name is off of the accounts so that when he doesn't pay on them, your credit rating is not affected. You may still be affected even if your name is not on them, due to community responsibility for debt. Ask your lawyer about this. Look at some legal way to separate finances so you are no longer liable for his bills. At the very least, call up the credit card company and explain the situation. Perhaps the credit cards he owes on can be closed but they will still continue to send the bills--just no more charges to those cards!

You sound like you are being very understanding with a guy who is totally taking advantage of you. Disregard my prior answer! You have a son and you need money to support him and you--you can't be supporting a deadbeat.

Thanks! (And I didn't even tell you ALL the details of what he's done/is doing!) I am being as responsible and proactive as I can be - and, all the while, thinking primarily of what is best for my son. Again, I appreciate your input!