Help

My husband has got me on my last thread ! For the last 3 yrs. , he has been having relationships on the web. He says it's because I won't give it up , but when I tryed and actually expieremented he went back to his ways. Well now it's been a gew years and things have gotten worse for the first time in 23 years the divorce word is getting thrown in the mix. I went as far as to make a fake scrren name & make a date w/ him & he fell for it. I actually met him at a bar which he thought the other women would be and he played it off and gave me kudos for being so smart. We did not argue we talked he seemed all excited actually cried because he said I really cared and after being home for about maybe an hr. was back on the internet doing his thing. He says it's a game and what he's doing is bying & selling girls on my space at a hotties for sale. I told him that I could not live with it & he said we will talk about it another time.He is actually away for a couple of days and last night I logged into his myspace & read all his sent email : Well I am not sure if I mistaking buthe was telling girls abou their tight a____ and sending erotic poetry (thats what he calls it) to make them hot & bothered again he says it's a game...
He also said to one girl that he would like to get together w/ her & her cousin.. Can someone please help me. I am sure taht I am not the perfect wif, but I think I am a fairly good one , he also has a problem with be littling myself & my son with very fowl language & thnks it's okay . He says I provoke him & that I wipe my kids but thet my son will never suceed. About 4 years ago my son was gang banged and it was a terrible thing, he was in High School & missed a couple of years so he is a little behind the rest of the kids , can someone please direct me what do you all think ? I think I am very confud=sed...

This is a tough situation you are in. Me, I would need to get into therapy for myself. Eventually I'd ask my husband to go to marriage counseling with me.

I myself wouldn't tolerate the cyber cheating for very long.

Please don't feel confused,,at least about his behavior..

What he is doing is wrong lulu. No more to say about that. It is wrong.

If you have any hope of changing his behavior,,he has to understand that there is consequences..

Sit with him...explain that his behavior is hurting you terribly,,that it is threatening your marrage and that it must stop.

Suggest counseling,,and that you would be glad to be part of it..and that your greatest wish is to put this behind you and continue with your lives..

But if he is adament and refuses and continues to abuse you(and your child) with language and this selfish nonsense..advise him your next conversation will be with a lawyer...

With care,

Lenny

You do agree then this is cheating. I told him after Christmas we were done. I told him that having cyber sex is just as bad as the physical act.
I am spying on him. I actually have the password to the sight he's on and believe me what he says is plain sex. Thank you for your opinion , he makes me think it's okay and I am the crazy one.

Thank you Lenny my real name is Laura (lulu is a nickname my brother in law calls me)
As for the saga it continues. I am spying I figured out his password and actually read what he sent wow !!! I told him after Christmas this would be over.He sais a few years ago he was going to couseling but he never did. The mental abuse was bad enough this behavior is not forgivable. The cyber sex has been going on for at least 3-4 years. I tried to give him what he wanted a couple of years ago , but he went bact to the same behavior. The funny thing is that he thinks there's nothing wrong with it. I even asked how he would feel if I told men what I could do down right nasty things to them , what would he do then. His answer is to kill them. Then tell me why what he is doing is alright. I thank you for answering , I keep running the same things over & over in my head and still coming to the same conclusion , I am much better thatn that.

Laura

Hey Lenny:
Quick question for you my husbad became disabled about 5 years ago ,he gets around fine , he has some breathin issues , he says he has nothing in his life that 's why he does this it gives him mental stimulation , I told him he is lying to himself , what do you think ?

Thanks Again ,Laura

I would think that his disability has contributed to his present behavior and that "help" would aid him in seeing this...

Often,,denial builds the walls around whatever we feel we need to do,,,even if it hurts us and others...

IMHO.

Lenny

Thanks for your help , it's greatly appreciated. My husband went to therapy about 5 years ago & loved it , until his therapist called him on his behavior. Then he called her every name in the book & said he did not need that. I suggested he find someone else but he can't seem to follow through. I eve tried many times since then and nothing. Do you think I should persue it at this point I basically have thrown my hands up in the air , I don't think he see 's the issue.

That depends on how you view the marrage...If you see hope,,then fight for it..

But again,,you can't change him,,only you,,but you can institute loving boundaires...one of which is him seeking help...

IMHO.

Lenny

Hey Lenny:
I just had a total meltdown infront of my daughter , did not mean it. But my husband said something that hit a nerve and I went off like a nutcase.
He said oh , it's not your way , ***** , so I totally went off saying that he was full of S____ ! Everything he says is a lie , I want you out or I will go ,(the problem is my mother owns my house and if I wanted I could have him thrown out in a minute.)He said something and I said you are a liar this thing you do is not a game you are having sex with women , " I am not doing anything" So I blurted out that you tell them you want to kiss them in their lips & not the lips on their face you are nothing but a pig.I totally freaked , believe me I meant everything I said. I think it started after he said something smart & I told him I was going to have a nervous breakdown & then his reply "Oh , your not getting your way, it's not going your way *****. I really can't take much more of this I was trying to make it through Christmas for the kids but I don't know what to do. I also told him I can't stand it when he trys to touch me it makes me sick. It was pretty bad , I feel more sorry for my daughter that she had to listen to me. What do you think I should do..
I did apologize to my daughter and asked her not to leave me ,but that's puttiing her in a bad position , isn't it ? What to do , What to do ?

Laura

Dear Lulu,
He is abusive. Like all abusers he blames his victim (you, I'm sorry to say) for their own abuse. It is a big lie. There is nothing wrong with you that makes him mistreat you. The problem lies within him. I'm sorry, but no matter what changes you make the abuse will continue because it is not you in the first place that makes him abusive. At this point, no matter how it plays out in the future, you need to separate yourself from him now. In the phone book, you should find some services for battered women (verbal abuse is sometimes more destructive than the physical abuse)--see if there is a hotline that you can call and talk to someone who understands battering and can help you do what you need to do. If he's convinced you that you are the problem--not him--and that no one could ever love you and you'll be alone the rest of your life without him--DO NOT BELIEVE HIM--that's a big fat lie that every abuser tells. Get out of there for your child's sake and your own. You don't "deserve" this and either does your child. Call that hotline for counseling and support. Don't hesitate because he hasn't hit you yet, or you don't believe it's bad enough to call a hotline--it is. And the hotline is there to help women who are being abused--verbally or physically. Abuse is abuse. Take care of yourself and your child and get some help. Strength to you.
madmattie








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