Struggling.

Hello all. I have not posted here in ages. I have really been struggling a lot recently. I was discharged from residential in September and did day treatment for a few weeks and then moved to IOP. Then I crashed and burned, big time. My team moved me back up to day treatment and I have been having a very hard time doing what my team wants me to do. I am on a very high meal plan because I need to gain weight but I get so overwhelmed and feel like I just can't do it. I feel like I eat so much while I am in day that I need to compensate at home so I restrict. My nutritionist is worried about me and I think I can understand that. She keeps telling me that I really need to get my act together and gain weight because she doesn't want to see me back in the hospital with an NG tube again. I do NOT want that either, but there is just this force that is keeping me from doing what I need to do. I don't know how to break through it. Please... help?

I wish I had an answer for you; just wanted to reply and let you know that I read your post and am thinking of you. It's so very hard to do what is "good" for the body, when the mind is screaming that it isn't right! Congratulations on getting discharged from residential! I hope that you find a way to break through those thoughts.

hi mandazzle. how helpful/flexible is your nutritionist? if it is easier to eat earlier in the day, can they help you pack in the majority of your needed calories during breakfast, day time snacks, and lunch? that way if you need to restrict later in the day while you're home, it's not detrimental?
is it any easier to supplement with liquid calories, like milkshakes and smoothies? sometimes after the hospital you can be sick of those.
are you open to trying foreign foods, or foods that are unusual for you? one time when i was younger i kept myself out of the hospital by making all foods from afghanistan safe. there was one restaurant in my city that served afghani foods. i don't know exactly why or how i made that work in my head, but i did. i realize that's the sort of thinking that you're probably trying to get away from, (ie, "safe" foods) but i tend to think it's okay to use some of your own tendencies to help get through a rough time.
i have to say i feel like a bit of a hypocrite handing out advice right now, since i'm struggling right now too. keep working hard, believe you can get better, and don't forget to reward and acknowledge all your small triumphs.
i hope you'll be feeling lots better soon.

Thank you guys. I am trying the best that I can but it seems that guilt completely takes over and controls how my days are going to be. A few weeks ago the team moved me down to IOP because I was not making any progress in day treatment and based on past experience, IOP is an environment that is more conducive to my recovery, personally. They gave me two options right now and they are to pick myself up while in IOP or they will have to send me back to residential. That scared the crap out of me when my therapist told me that because there is no way I will go back to residential, I can't. My list of safe foods is growing smaller and smaller and it is getting more difficult to eat each day it feels like.

Gr3tta - my nutritionist is letting me try anything that will get me to eat, she is letting me stick to my safe foods, doesn't put too much pressure on what time I am eating, and told me if it is easier to replace Ensure with food for now. I feel bad for her because I am being so difficult right now. At this time I am not able to try new foods because I am having a difficult enough time trying to eat foods that were safe foods two weeks ago and no longer are. Try not to feel bad about giving advice while you are struggling, we all do it.

I feel like I am hanging by a thread...

There are several things that are helping me not allow not eating to have control.....one is that even though my stress level is high, it's lower than it was when I couldn't eat.....

And most important is that I am the only one responsible for the care of my 4 dogs.....they need me & I need them & I know that I can't allow myself to get to the place I was, living alone, I can't just end up passing out or getting too weak that I can't take care of my dogs. I just lost my oldest eskie last Thanksgiving & I was giving her a major amount of care the last few months of her life & I needed to be strong & healthy to care for her......when we have major responsibility for others than our own life that are depending on us because they aren't able to care for themselves (doggies give unconditional love but can't dish out their own food or take themselves for potty walks or measure out their meds). Being responsible for others & not having someone else I can bail out & have help me has definitely made me more responsible for my own life. I still blow it at times & forget to eat at times....but I end up keeping my weight at a safe place because I know I have to for my doggies lives & for their love.