[shikma]

Hello,

I'm Shikma, 22 years old female.

(Sorry about my awful English - It's not my first language, I'm from Israel.)

I am so messed up,sometimes I wonder how long I will be able to bear it.

I have eating disorders(over eating {weighted 130 kg in the past and lost 60 kg}, some BPD symptoms, and depression.

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a baby, because I can't deal with life, it's too much for me... I have a lot of things I wish I could do but I am so scared of life.

It feels like I'm so lost.
I hate it. I hate myself, I hate my life. I hate the fact that I have this %#@&#! up personality.

I hate the fact that my life is a mess and I have no idea how to be normal, how to make myself strong and not overwhelmed by everything.

I can't do anything anyway, because I am too scared, so I just stay at the same situation, waiting for a miracle, or the end - whatever will come first...

And there's the food. I need it so badly, and hate it at the same time. Bing, throw up, try to starve myself… again and again and again... awful.

The worst thing - is to be so lonely with it, to sit at home, act like I'm alright, when I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again...

Hi shikma,

Welcome to PC.

I don't have an eating disorder but I wanted you to know I can relate to alot of the things you are feeling.

There are a lot of supportive folks around here who will listen and offer a shoulder to lean on.

Hopefully you won't feel so alone, which is a terrible feeling.

Keep posting and take care.

[Mystry]

Hey Shikma...Petunia is right about the people here and the care they will give...until I came to this forum I was pretty much alone and well...close to the end...but one of the people here helped me find the courage to seek help...although the road is going to be along uphill battle with many pitfalls and many times I will fall but the one amazing thing about it is that I am not alone anymore...and neither are you...welcome to the family Shikma and anytime you need an ear just pm me or anyone here...oh and by the way I wasted most of my life in terror of being myself and doing what I wanted to do because of past difficulties, please dont let yourself be like me...reach out to someone and if they cant help then try someone else...just keep reaching my friend and one day someone will reach back...

P.S.your english is better than mine...lol...

[sniffles]

Hello Shikma,
I am 23 and have had anorexia/bumlimia for the past 11 years. Right now it's fairly stable, but I can relate to a lot of what you say in your post. I understand the needing food so badly, yet hating it at the same time. I hope you can get the support you are looking for here. I'm am here to listen, if you need to talk. Just pm me. I also have BPD and depression as well, so I can relate there too. Best of wishes to you hun.
sniffles

[Sezzie]

Hi Shikma

I totally hear you gurl. I'm totally the same, I totally relate to you. I'm from New Zealand tho. I feel like that too. I used to be a fat chick, now reformed. I lost a lot of weight, but now I'm bulimic. I'm scared of life as well. I don't know how to get out and do the things that I wana do. What makes you so scared of life? Just asken. I'm so scared that I'll never get to do things, that this actually stops me from doing anything. Stupid huh. What do you get up to in Israel? Are you getting any help at all with all of this? It sounds like you feel massively stuck. I so wana hear from you again sweety. Private message me if you want.

Love and hugs
Sezzie

[Sezzie]

I'm 22 and only just started bein bulimic towards the end of last year. Wasn't my finest choice in lifestyle changes, but oh well. It's a toughie to get out of EDs, but some people manage to. I live on dat hope, just takes guts and determination, I think. I wish I wouldn't wake up either, but it's not a good solution I don't think. It's just a means to an end. An end to stress, but all lives are stressful. I still wana cark it tho. Is anyone in ur life helping you out with ur stuff at the mo???

Cya
Sezzie

[dcs_no1_fan]

Hi & welcome to P.C

I have anorexia & had friends & family telling me so for months I wouldnt take any notice of them as I felt fat then I found this place & I know that I have an ED & have done something about it I have satrted to eat again & have put on a couple of lb there are a lot of lovely people on here & they are always there to help you when you need someone just post of PM if you need anyone

T.C

[shikma]

Thank you guys. Really. I cannot explain how hard it is to live this way, so lonely. I'm sure some of you understand...

I'm having a hard time writing English..... so... I hope I'll stay here becasue I tend to give up when It's hard for me to communicate.

Thanks
Shikma

[Sarah116]

That is alright you seem very fluent, try seeing a therapist they can make big differences in people's lives. Eating disorders is just one of the many!

[Sezzie]

Just keep posting, if you can
The people that come to this site are really awesome aye. If you want to share a bit more about why you are feeling these feelings. You can't just keep going thinking that you'd rather not wake up. Trust me. You need some help. I kept going like that and ended up in hospital and maybe will again. Just try and get some help if you can. Even if you just keep chatten to ppl on this site. I'm one of those scared ppl as well. Doesn't really pay at all. Only live once, and all. We've only got one strike at life and then it's over. I duno. I sort of appreciate that a bit more now, even tho it's hard to when depressed. Just known that everyone else on this planet has really bad times. Just tryin to think that yes I can handle the bad times sorta helps. I think that it's all in a person's attitude. I know that my attitude is very negative most of the time. I don't think that life is going to turn out that well. It seems illogical to some people, but seems reasonable in my mind for some strange reason. Anyway, just keep talken to us and hopefully we can work some things out for you. By talken to us you can help us as well, coz everyone's got something going down with them. Just want you to know that we're here for you chick!

Love Sezzie

[zombiette]

hi shikma,
welcome to PC! i've had probs with eating disorders before...started dieting when i was 8 and cld've told u the calorie count in just about anything at that age...took another 10 years for it to develop into full-blown anorexia tho (i kinda used depression as a distraction in between) and then i was threatened with being hopitalized and told basically that if i continued to lose weight i would die. that huge stubborn streak that made me become severely anorexic in the first place kicked in and i thought "get lost, i'm gonna stick around"...so eventually made a full recovery and i don't have issues with food anymore eh, i just eat whatever. so they're possible to overcome, if u use what made to go like that in the first place for strength rather than self-desruction...still have a few probs with depression but it's coming together and i try to keep a positive attitude towards to cuz if i can beat anorexia then i figure i can do the same with depression. the majority of the time these days i actually feel pretty normal, but i think posting on this site has helped a lot so keep coming here, u get to meet sum pretty cool ppl and the help and support here is just amazing!

[eskielover]

Shikma,

Welcome to PC. I hope you will be able to handle any frustration with the language & stick around. There are great people here who are very helpful & caring......who are great at listening & also have great helpfull thoughts.

I would think that living in Israel would be stressful living conditions with everything that is going on politically. With your daily living conditions that are all around you being stressful, I can't imagine how it is to deal with that on top of your personal stresses. I would imagine that is all adds up to being almost impossible to deal with......so I can understand your feelings.

I know that when I am living around a stressful situation, I end up with nausea that causes me not to eat. I keep myself from throwing up by not eating rather than letting my self throw up like I feel like doing. Many other people will end up binging on food when they are dealing with stress. I know for me, that everything that goes on around me in my life has a direct effect on my ability to eat & ends up turning into an eating disorder.

I don't know if you have a therapists there in Israel, but I would suggest that you find a professional therapist & psychiatrist to help you with what you are going through. They can help with the stress you are dealing with & I would imagine that help with the stress would also help with the eating issues you are having.

The psychologist I have here in the US is from Isreal. He was born in Isreal & has lived there on & off after getting his psychologist degree here in the United States His family & his wifes family live there. His daughter , son in law, & granddaughter (4 years old) were just there visiting for their granddaughters birthday. While they were there, the fighting broke out. They tried hard to keep her mind on enjoying her birthday but talk about the fighting was all around her.

I know that the psychologist I have is so kind & caring. I have been seeing him for almost 10 years now & he has been able to help me with the depression I started out with. He has been really great at working me through the trauma I just went through & the anxiety & anorexia that I have been dealing with which is my reaction to the trauma. I think if you could find someone like him, he could help you think & work through the things that are bothering you. You need someone who knows about what you are going through in your everyday life around you along with the issues that are causing the mess inside of you.

I think it is important for you to understand that you aren't being a baby......there is no way that trying to live with the situation that is around you daily could ever be thought of as being a baby. Being scared of life is a normal reaction to the everything that is going on around you. I know that if I wwere in the same situation, I would want to go to sleep & have it all go away before I woke up again too. I feel that way many times here & my life is physically very safe compared to the conditions you live with daily.

I know that I went through a huge fear of being arrested & put into jail for something I didn't do when I caught the woman who was caring for my mother stealing her identity & then she had the police called to the house to accuse me of abusing my Mother. After I found out that she had OD'ed my Mother on morphine, I feared what she might do to me to keep me from reporting her actions to the police. That fear I felt is something i am still dealing with & my reaction to fear always causes eating problems.

What you are going through is completely normal for what you are living with....but if you aren't in contact with others that are feeling the same, you aren't able to realize how normal your feelings actually are.

Please stay with us here at PC. Hopefully we will be able to encourage you & maybe we can point you into the direction to get some professional therapy help.

we care alot....please don't give up,
Debbie