The endless struggle.

Things in therapy have been tough lately. I finally told her about the purging. I thought that would make me stop but it's only gotten worse. I need to be held accountable to someone or something. I don't know how to stop alone. Just feeling a little out of control right now. I try to eat normally when I go out to dinner with friends but normal isn't good for me. I purge sometimes just because I can. I always know what to say when someone else is struggling and I know right from wrong but I can't seem to gain power over myself ever. I really want to stop. I actually called the psycho police (therapist) yesterday after I had eaten. It took a lot for me to do that and as soon as I hung up the phone, I purged almost just to spite her or feel like I had some sembelence of control in this "process." Maybe today will be better. Thanks for listening. This website has been very supportive.

~Sailaway.

~Sailaway

((((((((((Sailaway)))))))))))

You have such a sweet spirit. I hope you can share the same compassion with yourself. Is there someone who can be there for you?

Dear Sailaway,

You actions show GROWTH on your part....you are taking steps....telling your therapist, calling your therapist when you had just eaten, posting here, trying to eat normally when out with friends, these are all signs of growth...what about a support group so you can see face to face people instead of cyberspace people? Many people do it just because they 'can..' they may be able to share what helped them get over doing it just because they can. It's a paradox it seems.Post again and let us know how you are...we care about you...

i know exactly how you feel. i was really afraid to tell my doctors about my purging. I knew it would help me in the long run. I am having alot of problems with my anorexia and bulimia right now. I havent eaten in at least two days, and I really want to tell my dietitian, but Im not sure if I should. Im really scared to tell her. Im scared that she might put me back in the Kartini clinic, or some other place. I just dont know what to do at this point. but Im really glad that I found this site. Because here I can talk to people that understand my problems and my fears. i really hope that we can become good internet pals. if you happen to read this post tonight, I just want to tell you that I will be on at like noon in Portland Oregon time. I hope to be able talk to you on here. talk to you later.

I agree littleone! It's tough! And sailaway just try not to be so hard on yourself. If you're like me it is very hard to ask for help but almost second nature to give it. I commend you for calling your T. So you purged, at least you were aware of what you were doing and why you were doing it. I was never in therapy until I was hospitalized for my ED so my therapists always knew right away what my deal was. I guess it's like telling anyone for the first time, like sharing a dirty little secret. But atleast with therapist you dont have to worry about their reaction, you know they're on your side. Keep on trying sailaway!

Shannon