[Christina86]

*** Triggerish - mentions SIng (not graphically) and other stuff that could be triggering ***


I figured this spot was as good as any to pose my question, and any insight or resources would be wonderful - I can't seem to wrap my mind around this.

I've been having trouble eating a lot these past few months, sometimes it just pops up but it isn't every single day of every month, so I figured I would just "deal" with it.

I stress myself out, and eating (or feeling nauseous and feeling like it is impossible to keep it down) is next to impossible. Eventually I "snap" out of it or find some way to deal with the stress and I go back to my normal eating habits (eating habits are always average, no more than a person my own age and all that)

However, I get these periods where I refuse to eat. I mean I'm physically hungry and know I'm starving myself but at the same time I just don't care. People keep telling me to eat during these times so I do eat something, but its not enough physiologically to run my body normally.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it to annoy others (which wouldn't classify it as an ED) but sometimes I do it just to punish myself for whatever reason.

I've got a history of SIng, (which I've been clean from for some time now) is this somehow related?

It doesn't seem like Anorexia, and its definetely not Bulimia, or overreating - so what IS it?

Now some history of whats been happening this week.

Yesterday - Had KD (Kraft Dinner) and a Coke and some coffee - nothing else all day. I was fine though.

Today - About 5 cookies and two cups of coffee. I feel ill and I know if I eat that I'll be better, but its like I can't be bothered to eat - that I don't deserve to eat. But if my friends had pushed me more I would have because I don't want to upset them. (Perhaps that is some of the depression talking?)

Yeah, don't tell me that I'm being stupid or ridiculous because I know cognitively what I'm doing is dumb, and although I know I'm overweight according to the BMI, people tell me that I don't look overweight, and I don't really feel I'm overweight that much either.

So I don't think I've got the mindset of an individual struggling with an ED, but perhaps I'm wrong?

I don't think I'll be talking to my T about any of this because I know that eventually I'll just start eating again - until the next time this happens. (Yes, I do realize that telling my T this is a good idea, but then again I've not told this one about my SIng either since I've stopped doing that at least temporarily).

Sorry that I'm all over the place - If anyone can help me out, I'd appreciate it!!

[Rapunzel]

Christina,

My theory is that all that stuff is part of the same thing. I do that too. Sometimes I SI, and sometimes, particularly when not SIing, I avoid eating. Like you, I'm not anorexic - I don't do it that much - not underweight, and I'm not bulimic - I don't purge (unless you want to count occasional over-exercising and use of dietary supplements to promote weight-loss). I do think that I should be very small and not take up any space. If you look at my BMI, I'm slightly overweight, but 70% of women of my age and height weigh more than I do.

I think it's just one more way to cope. To deal with emotions that we don't know how to deal with properly. To try to control something. Which method we use doesn't mean nearly so much as learning to deal with life in a more proactive way. It might seem like one method is better, or less harmful, than another, but they all hurt us by helping us to avoid dealing with what we're not dealing with.

TC,
Rap

[Perna]

When I was in my 20's I lived on coffee, beer and potato chips. I had coffee all day (worked at the Pentagon) and then the beer and potato chips for "dinner" and to make it so I could get to sleep after all that caffeine! I couldn't afford to buy much food, it was when credit cards were just coming out/new and they had to physically call on the phone to get approval and liquor stores and restaurants didn't always do that right away. Grocery stores didn't use credit cards yet either so I was limited as to where I could get "food"

Also before the big anorexia/bulimia increase, they were "new" too, Karen Carpenter was still alive and performing, etc. The big thing/what one of my therapists was worried about was low blood sugar.

There's a book I really like, that I got from around that period, Nourishing Wisdom, by Marc David: http://www.amazon.com/Nourishing-Wis...dp/0517881292/ Maybe you would find it helpful too.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are doing better at this time. I feel that what you are doing is an eating disorder because you feel that food is unnecessary, possibly due to the fact that before you ate too much and not eating will balance out the over eating. If you tell your therapist, your therapist can help you retrain your way of thinking about eating, and turn eating into a more positive thing in your life. I am going to leave you the number for the National Eating Disorder Association if you would like to call them 1-800-931-2237.
for information. There is a diet on the American Diabetes Association Website to tell you what a normal diet should be per day. ( type in meal planning and follow the screen).Actually seeing what a normal meal is per day, may help you see that you can be healthy and still have some of the foods that you like to eat. Maybe you should have an eating buddy to go with you to eat, or that can come over to your house to eat, so that it forces you not to be alone and revert back to negative eating patterns. This puts the focus on food being a more positive issue in your life when you are eating with friends and eating in a pleasureable environment. I hope the best for you take care Soidhonia

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((((everyone))))))))))

I feel really pretty stupid and useless right now. Not too bright of me either way.

[Rapunzel]

(((((( Christina )))))))

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. Wish I could help you to feel better somehow. Those feelings would be a good place to start with addressing your feelings. I seem to remember something about you being in between therapists, right? Did you decide to go to one? This is the kind of thing to take to therapy and work on - the feelings you are experiencing as well as all of the ways that you try to cope with them and what you need to learn that would be more effective. You could also check out the self-help forum and e-book here and see if that helps you too.

When I posted above that my theory is that it's all the same stuff - I hope that it didn't sound like minimizing either your difficulties or the progress that you have made. You have come a long way. It's just that whatever symptoms you still have mean that something is still there. I feel that any symptoms are really ways that we try to deal with emotions and stuff that we don't know how to address in more effective ways. This applies whether it's SI, full-blown eating disorder symptoms, substance abuse, sexual addiction, gambling, or any number of possibilities and from mild to severe.

TC and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Love,
Rap

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))

I'm actually no longer in between T's. Its weird, somehow I'm sort of seeing two of them (the one, I started seeing her before the summer but she's got time constraints and doesn't really have time to see someone who is not in crisis ie. suicidal, and the guy I've been seeing since September. He's good.)

I didn't see it as minimizing, I did find it useful and knowledgeable, and I appreciate it!

I guess I need to find better ways to deal. *sigh*

Thanks

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you feel better soon. Everyone has problems that they have to deal with in life, it is nothing to feel like a failure over. Sometimes life is just about learning the lessons that we need to learn, and deal with the lessons in an appropriate manner if possible. I am very sorry that you are feeling bad at this time. I hope you can see your therapist soon to help you feel better. Getting help is not failure, it is very commendable and responsible.. I really hope that you feel better soon. Take care Sincerely Soidhonia