There is no need to say anything by anyone, no one could be more disappointed in me than me.......... I am restricting once again...

And does it really matter... my extreme pain needs to be expressed somehow...

If you think about it,,, I could just as well go back to SI'ing or exercising till I drop, or ending my life, or.. or.. or.. or.. or.. and the list goes on and on and on...

so what can anyone really say.. you're a mess.. and I would agree..

I cannot even scream and yell at the person that caused all this pain... because I would have to ask myself if it was my 12 year self that got involved with the pedophile or the pedophile himself..

if I had just been a grown up at 12, none of it would have happened, if the pedophile had not been my teacher it would not have happened, if my dad had not already groomed me for the peophile.. would it have happened??
I am not sure what hurt the most, the grooming or the abuse.

or perhaps... it is the secrecy... the need to keep "the secret" so I was "mute" for the first year..

God picks and chooses " and this child will have pain, extreme pain and this child will be blessed"..

It is ironic, the very pain that was inflicted on me.. has also made me an outcast in the very society that I live in.

Perhaps, it will also make me an outcast in heaven.. one placed for the blessed that deserve help and one place for those that don't... we don't truely know do we what it will be like...

I don't know...

I do know...

no 3 meals a day,,,, no puppy,,, no anything...

my pain needs to find a place to ease.. so it has gone into this post.. it is better than ending my life....

[Gracey]

sending you gentle hugs FreeWill.

Please do not restrict your friends here.

Holding you in tender thoughts my friend.

[Direction]

I'm so sorry freewill...about the past the current...just so sorry.

Maybe it should be puppy time...something that can lift your spirits.

I like both dogs and cats...have a cat now (didn't have time to care for all a dog needs). I love his meow when I get home saying pet me. One that I don't like (ok I think it is cute)...when he wants me to wake up...he presses his cold wet nose against mine. Over and over again until my eyes open...during winter it was he wanted under the covers.

They seem to just know the right time to come say hi...

So maybe it's time.

[lil_bit]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
freewill said:
There is no need to say anything by anyone, no one could be more disappointed in me than me.......... I am restricting once again...

And does it really matter... my extreme pain needs to be expressed somehow...

If you think about it,,, I could just as well go back to SI'ing or exercising till I drop, or ending my life, or.. or.. or.. or.. or.. and the list goes on and on and on...

so what can anyone really say.. you're a mess.. and I would agree..

no 3 meals a day,,,, no puppy,,, no anything...

my pain needs to find a place to ease.. so it has gone into this post.. it is better than ending my life....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Freewill I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this battle. Recovery is one of the hardest battles a person can ever fight and you are smack in the middle of it right now. You were climbing so well, you have only just lost your footing a bit. You can still do this...I KNOW you can, we all know.

I agree with you in that extreme pain requires expression, but perhaps not in a form that only harms you more. You are only resorting back to what you have always known, it's the easiest thing to do and we all do it once in a while...but you can fight this freewill..you can and we are here to help you.

and I also agree that now may just be puppy time. Something to divert your attention away from your pain a bit, and onto something cheerful and loving. Puppies are great listeners and great comforters...

please try and take care of yourself...
lil

[eskielover]

freewill,

I haven't gone through anything like you have gone through, so only imagine the pain that you must have gone through......however I have gone through other pains that in their own way were very harmful......& restricting was just the only thing at the time that I could control.....even though I don't think I was consciously doing it.....I was just feeling nausea from all the stressful pain I was going through & it just seemed natural to not want to eat when I was feeling nausea.....& that is the one feeling I have always gotten since I was a child when I am stressed (so I am probably not alone it that feeling).

I do remember one time, that I was at the point where restricting was in my thinking my way of ending my life.....because I didn't care anymore.

My past is over.....it can't be changed, but my future can.....& that is what I have to focus on now......because now is my future & continues to lead to my future.....& that is all I can focus on.

So if a puppy will give you something to focus on other than on yourself & your pain, they please.....get that puppy that needs all the unconditional love it can get because that is all puppies have to give is unconditional love....& that is what you are in need of....especially since it isn't something that is easy to give to ourselves.

Take care of yourself now......there is no need to continue to hurt yourself now......the past can't be changed, but you can go on now & make a new life for yourself now.....the society that continues to hold your past over your head needs to be left if at all possible. It is hard enough to put the past out of your own mind let alone when there are others trying to do the same thing (which is wrong of them)

I hope a few of my words will make sense & that you can take a bit of what I say to heart.....you had no control over what happened to you in your past, but you have control over your future....& that is the control that you neet to take....not the control over restricting.

Please take care,
Debbie