fasting

im like an addict. i eat a very small amount of calories per day [im not sure if im allowed to post my number-it may trigger] and workout too much and i LOVE it. ive lost fifteen in a few weeks and its like a drug. i know its bad, but i cant stop. im only happy when im pushing my limits and not eating. i belong to a pro-ana website and go one 3,4,5 times a day or more, checking for new tips or tricks or techniques i love to look down on people for their food choices [bad- i know] and add up in my head how many calories they're eating and vow to eat way less. there are foods i wont even go near and i love that achy hungry feeling. its my body eating itself. it makes me feel godly. and a little crazy.

i'd recommend u get help NOW. i felt much the same when i was in the early stages of anorexia, i would get a high off not eating, but it won't last. u'll crash, and probably sooner rather than later...i gather ur into swimming from your photo and signature...i do track, and anorexia completed wrecked havoc on my track career - i was physically unable to compete for a few months b/c i would black out everytime i got out of head, so i couldn't even stand up straight let alone run! in the end i preferred track to being anorexic so that was my incentive to get better. trust me, sports + ED are not a good combination - physically impossible to excel at both! but yeah, i'd really recommend seeing someone...trust me, u really don't want this to go any further...it will achieve absolutely nothing.

I so understand how you are feeling right now. It's true that it can't last though. For me, I ended up in icu with a heart attack. That feeling of control can be gotten other ways through therapy. There are reasons that you feel the need to control and react the way you are reacting. I hope you will be able to reach out and get help before it's too late. Good luck to you.

but it should be fine for alittle while since im very fat [like ligitimately overweight according to the doctor charts] and im still eating just not all that much

It has nothing to do with the doctor's charts or how much you actually weigh. You're screwing up your chemical balance losing weight as fast and in the manner you are. And you've already said you're like an addict and don't want to/won't/can't stop so "time" is not an issue either. That's like saying a crackhead is all right for awhile. Only as long as the money lasts and then they're totally, utterly screwed. How can you not see you'll have troubles like zombiette did? Get to a therapist, you're not "special"/different from the rest of us. It's getting out of your control and you actually have less time than your body will grant you. An airplane in a dive "could" pull up before it smashes into the ground but not if it can't get out of the dive.

My therapist told me I had an eating disorder when I was at a normal (but curvy) weight (145 or so ) . I disagreed because I wasn't "skinny.' I said I won't go lower than 130lbs. If I was 120lbs, I told her, then I would know I have a problem. I got down to 116. Did I think that I had a problem? heck no! I wanted to go lower! That's what an eating disorder does to you. You don't want to stop. You can't stop. Until you get really, really sick, or die.
You need to get some help.

the fact that you're saying anything to the effect of "it will be okay just for a little while..." is like screaming that you are losing control to the disordered thoughts. no matter what you think, you do NOT want this. get help before it takes over your body and your mind.