I dont want to stop

I read someone's post with difficulties on eating disorders. They said that you have to want to stop to be able to stop..I dont want to stop. I want my body to shut off. If I were to stop then I would be left with nothing. Its not that easy to just turn this off. I wish others well...I love people, but for me this is my way of dealing with things. I want to feel the pain. It takes so much away from thinking about other bad things. If I focus on this, I feel a little more power in my uncertain life. May sound strange but its real for me. My bulimia is not a binge type. I dont eat alot. Its not junk that I eat; when I eat. It could be fruit or salads, I still need to get rid of it. If I dont eat, I still take laxatives. I try to starve myself but to make others around me think that I am eating something, I will eat a little. When nobody is paying attention, I sneak off, to get rid of it. I like to feel hungry, I want to feel punishment. Yes, I am scared, but this is my way of being me.
Elizabeth.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{itsjustme}}}}}}}}}}}} I think I have an idea how you feel. I kind of like my bad habits, too.

hugssssss.. I'm not sure what to say but my heart goes out to you! Please keep working on healing.

You say I don't want to stop. In that case - do you want to die? I know that may sound harsh, but try to think of the long-term consequences of waht you're doing. I know how it feels to get in a slump and not care if you get better or not, but it feels so good to come out of that place. Best of luck to you and please try to be healthy.

Unfortunately eating disorders (like mental illness sometimes) are not something that can be snapped out of. The only way to make improvements is to want to change what you are doing to yourself. I strongly feel that it is impossible to help yourself unless you want to.
(((Elizabeth))) I can imagine that having an eating disorder must be very frustrating..I just hope that this board gives you the strength to want to take steps in your life (when you are ready) to fight this thing.
I am rooting for you honey.

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>

speachless.

gab