[itsjustme111]

Let this illness take over my body;
Let this illness take my mind;
Let me be, I want to be alone;
Let this illness hurt me like I hurt others;
Let this pain and suffering take total control;

So I dont have to deal with it anymore.

I am crazy, this I know. I am bad and ugly, this I know. I hate myself inside and out, this I know. I am lonely, this I know. I dont care anymore, this I know. I don't know health, happiness, love. All I know is sadness and it hurts so much inside. All I know is I am tired. All I know is I don't deserve to exist. To give up; I have been gone a long time ago. My mind is gone, my soul is gone, my heart is gone, and my sanity is gone. Where it went, I don't know. Did he take it, I don't know. Where I find it, I don't know. My future-ha, I don't know.

I phoned the childrens dad tonight; have agreed to what he wants. I can't help others when I am not here; mentally. No more fighting, its time to let go. Its time to settle. The Doctor I saw tonight; he said that the Judge will not change care at this point; I know this and have been kidding myself. I have heard this from many professionals already. I will not keep going into court and giving my children hope; there is no hope. They will be okay, they are strong.

He won; he won my mind, my heart, my pride, and took with him too much of me. He won't give it back so he can have it. I will sign the papers tomorrow. Then I can rest. Just so darn tired, I can't function like this. Got to let go.

itsjustme...............

[mj14]

NO IT'S NOT!!!!!!!

Sorry to yell, but please please please don't let the illness take over. I know all too well the despair you are feeling, and I know how it feels not to be able to see a future, but there is one out there, if you don't give up.

When I was about 19, I was driving back to college with my dad and I hit a patch of black ice on a highway. The car started fishtailing wildly back and forth...as soon as I corrected the spin one way, it would just spin the other way. And since I was going about sixty when I hit the ice, the car just kept going and going and going. I was so scared, and it seemed like it would never end...all I wanted to do was stop trying, just let the car slide off the road. But my dad just kept saying "Keep it up, you're doing good..." So I steered and steered, and every time the car spun, I would correct back the other way. And eventually, after what seemed like an hour, the car slowed and stopped, and we were ok.

It may seem like things are spinning out of control right now, and that nothing you are doing will ever help, will ever change things. But don't give up...let us be the ones beside you, encouraging you to keep it up. And I know that the spinning will slow down, and eventually stop, and you can get back on the road of life again.

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[doodle]

please try to hang in there and get healthy. he may have your children for now, but you WILL be strong, healthy, and motivated. There is a wonderful, loving mother inside of you. You can't let the illness win! Don't listen to the negative voices. Find someone you trust to help you through this. We will help you, we will think good thoughts for you. We will hug you, wherever you are, when you need support. You can survive!!!

[blackenedangel]

Sweetie,
I know it is hard and you are tired of fighting, but you can not give up and let them have control over you. The only way I seem to have control is when I am thinking about what I am eating or haven't eaten. Probably should not have just said that, sorry! You can't give up fighting, you just can't. I know you are tired of fighting, but you can't give up. Don't give into it. I promise, it will get better, you just have to believe in yourself that you can get better and you will. You have to have a little bit of strength so you can get through this, you just can't give up. I know I am begging and pleading, but I know how it works, I have had it happen and I have watched my baby sister, who is 16, go through it too. You can't give up. I do not have children, but I can sempythize (sp) with the eating disorder thing and it is hard. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Sorry to have yelled, but you need to hear me and all the others in here on the forum. We believe in you and we want to help you through this, but you have to be willing to want the help. I am going to stop my babbling now and I am sorry to have yelled at you, but I meant it in a nice way. I do not want you to give up, I believe in you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and in my prayers. Maybe Stitch (from Disney's Lilo and Stitch) will cheer you up, he always does me. Bye for now.

<font color=blue> Sending Kitten Hugs and Kitten Kisses to you,
Brandi Kathleen aka: Kitten "meow" </font color=blue>
<font color=purple>Cat Kisses
Sandpaper kisses on a cheek or a chin
That is the way for a day to begin!
Sandpaper kisses a cuddle and a purr
I have an alarm clock that is covered in fur.
Author Unknown </font color=purple>

[itsjustme111]

Thanks Angel; u didnt yell. Dont apologize for that. Maybe thats what I need; lol. I am just battling my head right now, trying to figure this mess out. When my head is so full and thoughts are racing; I have a hard time making decisions. I am sure many in here know what thats about. Its confusing times. I tend to write at all the wrong times. When I am angry, upset, confused, frustrated; is when I write. Maybe not the best time. Lately, this is how I always feel.
I feel like I am inside four black walls, so tall that I cant see or hear the outside. I am trapped with no escape; and they are slowly closing in.

itsjustme

[blackenedangel]

As I have been told by my T, writing anytime, even when angry, upset, frustrated or even confused is a good time to write, because it lets you get your feelings out of your system and that is what you need. I have discovered the only time I can't write is when I am happy, I don't think I am meant to feel happiness, but maybe one day I will experience the wonderful feeling I have been told so much about. Just like I said, you can write anytime you feel the need to. No one will judge you for your writings of your feelings, unless of course you have my family. It doesn't matter what kind of mood I am in, I can't make a decent decision. I have always relied on everyone else to make my decision and now that I am almost 21 I have to learn to make my own decisions and it's hard. I feel like you do, in a room with walls so high you can't see or hear anything, the only thing I can feel is pain, I don't feel happiness, just sadness and darkness. It is not fair. I feel trapped as well, so I know the feeling. I can sympathize with you on that. I have babbled enuf, but remember there is no wrong time to write your feelings in words. Bye for now, itsjustme.

<font color=blue> Sending Kitten Hugs and Kitten Kisses to you,
Brandi Kathleen aka: Kitten "meow" </font color=blue>
<font color=purple>Cat Kisses
Sandpaper kisses on a cheek or a chin
That is the way for a day to begin!
Sandpaper kisses a cuddle and a purr
I have an alarm clock that is covered in fur.
Author Unknown </font color=purple>

[itsjustme111]

You are a great person angel. Actually I thought about you earlier. My daughter bought me an angel thats says love on her. She is beautiful just like u.
itsjustme

[blackenedangel]

Thank you! You are so sweet! I like getting replies from you because you are so sweet yourself. There is an angel in everyone, including yourself, you just have to find her and I think I am starting to find her.

<font color=blue> Sending Kitten Hugs and Kitten Kisses to you,
Brandi Kathleen aka: Kitten "meow" </font color=blue>
<font color=purple>Cat Kisses
Sandpaper kisses on a cheek or a chin
That is the way for a day to begin!
Sandpaper kisses a cuddle and a purr
I have an alarm clock that is covered in fur.
Author Unknown </font color=purple>