[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Candy has been a turn off since the rabbit yesterday. My mom came home today with SpongeBob and Patrick chocolate bars and I instantly felt queasy looking at them. It was really nice of her though.

Take it easy on yourself

[MuddyBoots]

Overate yesterday which turned into a full on binge/purge episode. So much for my b/p free streak. Time to start over again. At least it's getting to be 1-2 times a week rather than 1-2 times a day.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Overate yesterday which turned into a full on binge/purge episode. So much for my b/p free streak. Time to start over again. At least it's getting to be 1-2 times a week rather than 1-2 times a day.

Take it easy on yourself. Kati Morton has some great videos for eating disorders.

[Mountaindewed]

The barista got my order mixed up and gave me a large iced tea instead of a small. She only charged me for a small. So of course most people would be super happy to get a $6 drink for $3. But I was kinda freaking out. I couldn't say I didn't want it. So I was trying to recalculate calories for the day in my head to fit the tea in and finally I just drank what I guessed equaled to a small and gave the rest to my mom who for once didn't lecture me about restriction.

[Mountaindewed]

I saw a trans man on Reddit who looked like a legit man. He was heavy but still passed. I pass too, but I pass with the body shape of a teenager and my face looks young. My mom said I look like I'm 23 instead of 30. I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't change my height. Not too many stores sell XS mens shirts or hoodies. I for sure don't want to gain weight. Yeah. Maybe I should just stay away from Reddit.

I guess you could say I restricted today technically. I had 2 Uncrustables to eat. I had some stuff to drink though. It was just physical stuff going on that made me not hungry.

[MuddyBoots]

Three days b/p free, but I'm gaining...

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Three days b/p free, but I'm gaining...

Congratulations

[Mountaindewed]

I was looking at my patient portal for my pdoc and I guess I've had a diagnosed ED since Feb 2021. I knew my therapist at the time thought I had one but I didn't know it was an officialy put on paper diagnosis. I always thought it was just suspected. Or else I'm just still that far up my *** in denial about this

[MuddyBoots]

My T confirmed I have bulimia today. Feels weird. I knew, but, knowing it's official is different.
4.5 days purge free

[Mountaindewed]

I wanted to get a grilled cheese sandwhich today. I got 3 large flavored Diet Cokes instead. Thats disordered behavior for sure. I'm tired from eating a lot of Uncrustables lately but they don't hurt my stomach. I went through my food rack I use as a pantry and really cleaned it up. I wonder if I hoard food.

I feel like I ate a ton but its just from the Diet Coke and 2 rice cakes and the 50oz of water I've had to drink. I haven't eaten much since Thursday maybe.

I keep sleeping through dinner and it pisses my mom off. I did it like 3 times recently. She trys 3 times to wake me up but I am so hard to wake up.

I suddenly feel like I'm going to have a panic attack after eating some plain boiled chicken. Idk why, but this happened after I ate a can of tuna the other week. Its just some weird reaction to meat I've had all of a sudden. I think I can do chicken strips ok. Not sure what else I've had with meat in it recently besides Hot Pockets. This girl I knew in treatment had an eating disorder and had issues with meat.

I just looked at my food log and I had some grilled nuggets on Monday which caused a freak out and some Sirloin steak last Sunday which caused an arguement with my mom over things.

[MuddyBoots]

Can my eating disorder fck off now? Seriously. Sick of this food/weight/body obsession.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm too tired to eat today. I had some cheese around 3AM and a little cup of ice cream at 9. I just tried some wonton soup which didn't agree with me. I thawed an Uncrustable this morning. So I'll have that for dinner. I just feel like drinking water today but I'm slacking on my water goal.

I can't live without Uncrustables. You don't have to worry about measuring anything. I wish they still had the grilled cheese ones though.

[MuddyBoots]

Just b/p'd after 6 days "clean." Almost made a week, dammit. Maybe next time.

Now there's a bucket of vomit under my bed.

edit: wait it was actually last Sunday I last purged so I did make it a week, go me!

[MuddyBoots]

I binged/purged once again last night and I'm bleeding when I purge again but this time there was what looked like coffee grinds which my doc says can indicate a tear in the esophagus or an ulcer so now I have to get an endoscopy. I was doing so well too.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was looking at my patient portal for my pdoc and I guess I've had a diagnosed ED since Feb 2021. I knew my therapist at the time thought I had one but I didn't know it was an officialy put on paper diagnosis. I always thought it was just suspected. Or else I'm just still that far up my *** in denial about this

I fit the criteria of having an eating disorder even though I was never diagnosed with one.

[Mountaindewed]

I ate in the morning like before 9AM. Since then I've only had a cup of rice pudding. My stomach hurts. My mom wants to get pizza for dinner and I don't understand why she doesn't get things. She is so accepting of everything else but doesn't understand that I can't just decide to eat pizza all of a sudden.

[Mountaindewed]

I woke up late and didn't eat or drink anything at night besides a cookie. I've had 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, an Uncrustable, and a medium refresher drink from Dunkins.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm restricting because I'm trying to figure out this new med with wonky instructions. Also it says online it apparently works just as well as gastric bypass surgery. Idk.

I feel so sick right now. I want to throw up. All I did was throw up a bit in my mouth and coughed. I think I restricted too much today and I can't do that with these new meds. I'm stretched out in bed hoping the pain passes. I ate a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter to see if that would help

[MuddyBoots]

and now one of my knuckles is infected from scraping against my teeth

My throat hurts so much right now.

[MuddyBoots]

My therapist is supposed to get training in eating disorders and my peer support specialist already started

I'm beginning to notice on the days I have a good breakfast and then go on a 5+ mile run I don't b/p so hopefully I can just start doing that every day and be done with this shyt.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm trying to not let things get out of control, but with this ulcer med and when I can take it and all that, its getting tough. I've even been measuring my water which sounds insane. Plus my stomach just feels like crap anyways most of the time, and I take hour long naps now in the middle of the day, and sleep through dinner.

[MuddyBoots]

ahhh, 'tis not the first time purging Meatlovers from Tilton House of Pizza in the woods...

today in therapy we established anxiety is the emotion that mostly triggers my b/p episodes.

[Mountaindewed]

The ulcer med seems to be taking care of my appetite on its own. Today I've had 5 or so rice cakes, 7 imitation crab legs a giant Diet Coke, and a ton of water, and I feel so full despite that still not being much of anything quantity wise. My therapist and I discussed in email the other day how this med may send me into full restriction even if it is helping other stuff.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

The barista got my order mixed up and gave me a large iced tea instead of a small. She only charged me for a small. So of course most people would be super happy to get a $6 drink for $3. But I was kinda freaking out. I couldn't say I didn't want it. So I was trying to recalculate calories for the day in my head to fit the tea in and finally I just drank what I guessed equaled to a small and gave the rest to my mom who for once didn't lecture me about restriction.

Sounds awesome good for you

[Mountaindewed]

I eat like an 8 year old but no one cares as long as I actually eat. My freezer is full of Uncrustables and my fridge is full of Lunchables. I did meet both my protein and water goal today and I wouldn't call it restricting, but other people might.

But honestly, this eating disorder can go suck it. I want to eat so badly but I can't. I haven't eaten out since New Years and I can't remember the last time I ate a burger.