[Mountaindewed]

I'm not restricting today. At least I don't think so. I had a few string cheeses and a Lunchable and a mochi. I had coffee too. Dinner will be chicken. The mochi made me feel sick and gave me a headache. Or else its my Degree deodarent. But I made my protein goal for once and my carbs were ok too.

And then my stomach hurt too much for chicken so I ended up eating 1/4 cup of pastina. So my protein and carbs are off but it was easier on my stomach then the chicken would have been.

[MuddyBoots]

Everything's going to sh-it. My therapist cancelled on me today. My peer support specialist cancelled on me today. My knee hurts so my run was kind of excruciating (but I had to push on, because, you know, gotta burn those calories). My abusive ex contacted me yesterday on someone else's phone and now he knows I still exist and am capable of communicating with people.

DBT taught me I'm very vulnerable right now so I have to use the skills I've learned to not engage in any problematic behaviors. I'm going to stay hydrated, read, write/journal, play piano, go for short but frequent walks, do some yard work, clean up some, do laundry, do some yoga, plan my next hike, do progressive muscle relaxation, and use the STOP skill and take a cold shower if I catch myself about to binge. I'm being proactive. I have to pick up my meds today too so that'll give me something to do so I'm not around the house all day.

My ED started off more as anorexia. I would restrict and exercise just the right amount every day (not so much that I'd get so hungry but not so little it'd do nothing). I lost so much weight. I miss those days. Now I'm an out of control fatass. There's this notion in the eating disorder world that bulimia is "failed anorexia." That's how it feels to me.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm down to mostly pasta, cheese, and Lunchables. Pasta is a huge safe food. It is so easy on my stomach. I had a Dole Whip for lunch and it was kinda ok but I could use some Tylenol. I felt like a couple people looked at me weirdly in the stores today and it made me feel fat but I looked in the mirror when I got home and I didn't really see anything wrong with how I looked. My polo shirt is kinda too long but its a size small so I either need to shrink it somehow, or get it tailored. But besides that I looked normal today.

[MuddyBoots]

So I had a bowl of cereal, and then another, and then some more snacks, then I realized I had slipped into binging so I went to get in the shower as I had planned to cool off but I felt fat and disgusting and wound up purging in there. Had to pick up the chunks with my hands and get them in the toilet so they wouldn't clog the drain. Ah the things you do with bulimia...

---

I didn't mean to glamorize anorexia or anything earlier, it just seems less messier and less chaotic. No eating disorder is the best eating disorder.

[Mountaindewed]

I wore a T shirt today instead of a polo and I looked fine. I had the normal cheese and Lunchable. Dinner will be the same box of noodles I opened yesterday and a couple veggie fritatas. I even have a bowl that says noodles on it. I'm still carrying around gallons of water but not inhaling them. But I am drinking way less soda as a result of the water.

So today was ok.

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

This eating disorder makes me want to die.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Everything's going to sh-it. My therapist cancelled on me today. My peer support specialist cancelled on me today. My knee hurts so my run was kind of excruciating (but I had to push on, because, you know, gotta burn those calories). My abusive ex contacted me yesterday on someone else's phone and now he knows I still exist and am capable of communicating with people.

DBT taught me I'm very vulnerable right now so I have to use the skills I've learned to not engage in any problematic behaviors. I'm going to stay hydrated, read, write/journal, play piano, go for short but frequent walks, do some yard work, clean up some, do laundry, do some yoga, plan my next hike, do progressive muscle relaxation, and use the STOP skill and take a cold shower if I catch myself about to binge. I'm being proactive. I have to pick up my meds today too so that'll give me something to do so I'm not around the house all day.

My ED started off more as anorexia. I would restrict and exercise just the right amount every day (not so much that I'd get so hungry but not so little it'd do nothing). I lost so much weight. I miss those days. Now I'm an out of control fatass. There's this notion in the eating disorder world that bulimia is "failed anorexia." That's how it feels to me.

Sounds like you’re really struggling. Take it easy on yourself.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

So I had a bowl of cereal, and then another, and then some more snacks, then I realized I had slipped into binging so I went to get in the shower as I had planned to cool off but I felt fat and disgusting and wound up purging in there. Had to pick up the chunks with my hands and get them in the toilet so they wouldn't clog the drain. Ah the things you do with bulimia...

---

I didn't mean to glamorize anorexia or anything earlier, it just seems less messier and less chaotic. No eating disorder is the best eating disorder.

Try watching Andrea Cox who had bulimia and how she became healthy again on YouTube.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Possible trigger:

This eating disorder makes me want to die.

I’m sorry!

[Mountaindewed]

I don't know if I restricted or not on purpose today. I had some cake at 1AM. Not a lot but calorie wise it kinda was. Then I had to really watch it the rest of the day. But I also lost my appetite after my second sulcrafate at 10AM. And that contiuned all day. So I'll admit I guess I did technically restrict today. I was just so frigging tired and lazy to eat today.

[indigo1015]

This nighttime eating really bites… went food shopping after work and got some reduced fat peanut butter that i planned on using for snacks and such. Had a rough night because it was too hot in my bedroom, so i moved out to the living area where my window a/c unit is and had trouble getting comfortable on the futon. When i woke up this morning after finally getting some sleep, that jar of peanut butter was empty and had been thrown in the trash. **** me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MuddyBoots]

So when I plan a b/p session it doesn't happen... plan one for every day then lol

[Mountaindewed]

I haven't eaten much in 2 days because its easier on my stomach to just not eat. I can drink soda and tea and coffee though. This afternoon my mom woke me up and she had made this serving of bean spaghetti she told me to go eat. So I did since I was kinda hungry and pasta is a safe food.

[MuddyBoots]

Clogged the toilet again this morning. I think my electrolytes are really fked up because I can't stop shaking, I feel super cold and tingly, and I'm tired. It's extremely unusual for me to be tired at 10am

[MuddyBoots]

Maybe it was low blood sugar.
Sometimes that happens if I get a really effective purge going on/too much flushing.

I didn't eat anything yesterday. This morning I made some more vegan chili and I had a little bit of that for protein. I smoked some weed and had af beer so I hope I don't get the munchies.

[Mountaindewed]

Maybe I just had too much Gatorade or something because my weight shot way up to the point nothing fits but my sweat pants. So I have to make an emergency shopping trip and
get a few pairs of gym shorts and a pack of T shirts. Idk. Its just weird. I know I've the Gatorade and then yesterday I had a container of Panera soup and then a large serving bowl of instant Lipton soup. So maybe its the sodium, Because I really haven't increased my food intake much. Like how do your clothes go from fitting fine one day to not fitting at all the next?

And now my weight is back down...

[Buffy01]

I just went to the doctor today and was chewed out because of how much weight I had put on I was fighting tears leaving

[Mountaindewed]

I lost my sense of taste and smell. I can't smell the chili my mom made for her and my brother for dinner and I just now tried drinking a Coke but it tasted like water. So I kinda restriced today both on purpose and not on purpose.

[MuddyBoots]

I actually did pretty good yesterday. My mom made cake yesterday and when I woke up it was tempting to binge on it and the leftover frosting, but I did not and for that I am proud of myself.

[Mountaindewed]

I was back to normal today. It must have been the sodium. Today I'm not doing well but my therapist said the other day if I can just snack myself through the day, thats good enough for her. I have a couple medical conditions on top of the ED. So food isn't really fun right now. Plus I still can't taste anything.

[Mountaindewed]

I swear if I just don't eat, I feel ok. I haven't had anything in over 12 hours and my stomach feels fine. I had a couple small iced lattes and they were fine since anything I drink is ok. I have some cook in the bag microwave pasta I'll try in a bit

[Buffy01]

Since stopping the Mirtazaphine and drinking slim fast meal replacement I started to lose some weight

[MuddyBoots]

Binge and purge, and you're bloated.
Try to recover, and you're bloated.
There is no winning here.

[MuddyBoots]

Went five days without b/p, but then I got drunk and high and, well, yeah, now it's back to day 0.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Went five days without b/p, but then I got drunk and high and, well, yeah, now it's back to day 0.

I’m sorry