[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Still felt like crap when I woke up, but after having some tea and a one-egg omelet I felt better. Still nauseous but that's not new. Still vomiting blood. Endoscopy says nothing wrong but gastritis. I don't know if that can cause bleeding or if I'm just causing tiny tears in my esophagus and/or stomach lining that are healing quickly and not leaving noticeable scars. Idk I'm not a doctor. I'm just going to not purge today.

I’m glad everything okay

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I know, but even when I weigh myself at the same time every day it goes up and up. I think my problem is (tmi) I'm super constipated. Just another great effect of eating disorders.

I probably have 4 days worth of food in my gut, and of course my mom had to make cake and barely eat it (I really need to move out again) so I--having no impulse control--ate most of it along with the leftover frosting. I tried to purge it while she was out of the house but I only had like 15 minutes and I probably only got like a quarter of it out before she came back.

I want to get my car fixed up right and good and just leave. Live in it. Travel wherever the fk I want. Be on my own. Not live with people that only eat junk food or people actively using substances or people that hit you and force you to have s*x with them. I miss my grandma. Things were good when I lived with her.

But yeah, I'm way over my GW and getting further and further from it. I know I'm trying to recover and I am cutting down on the binging and purging but the thoughts and the body checking and overall obsession with food and numbers just won't go away.

I’m sorry that you are struggling right now

[Mountaindewed]

I wasn't restricting calorie wise until about 2 hours ago when my stomach really started acting up. But I did what my therapist said and snacked my way through the morning. Mostly on chips and Pepsi. I had a couple granola bars too and some coffee. But I've taken 3/4 doses of my stomach meds and my PM geodon and so far my appetite is still gone. I'm too lazy and tired to even get up out of bed.

[MuddyBoots]

Idk why I'm bulimic

4am questions

Possible trigger:

Told my T I was close to what I guess you could call a "sui-weight." She wants me to plan ahead for reaching that weight so I don't off myself.

so if/when I do reach that weight and freak the absolute **** out I'm supposed to call on-call and (I think I'm hallucinating right now) and remind myself my leg will heal and I'll be able to run again and I'll be able to lose the weight again. It's only temporary. My gut will heal and learn to digest food again and I won't be so bloated and constipated all the time.

But at the same time she's telling me I'll always struggle with being self-destructive thoughts just because I grew up in a shytty environment and got shytty genes.

struggling.

picked at breakfast today leaving quite a bit of it on the plate

really hungry now, but I can't be bothered to eat for some reason

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Idk why I'm bulimic

4am questions

Possible trigger:

Told my T I was close to what I guess you could call a "sui-weight." She wants me to plan ahead for reaching that weight so I don't off myself.

so if/when I do reach that weight and freak the absolute **** out I'm supposed to call on-call and (I think I'm hallucinating right now) and remind myself my leg will heal and I'll be able to run again and I'll be able to lose the weight again. It's only temporary. My gut will heal and learn to digest food again and I won't be so bloated and constipated all the time.

But at the same time she's telling me I'll always struggle with being self-destructive thoughts just because I grew up in a shytty environment and got shytty genes.

For me? It was because of the emotions that had triggered me to stop eating

[Mountaindewed]

I feel so sick and I'm in a ton of stomach pain but I wonder how much of it is related to me not eating since 8:30AM. I didn't eat with my meds and some of them you need to have food. I'm fixing some plain black bean pasta right now for dinner and then I'll be able to tell if restricting was actually my issue today.

Edit: eating 2oz of pasta did get rid of my stomach pain and also some of ny anxiety too.

I am so hungry.

yesterday I managed to eat a small dinner, then overfilled on chocolate and candy. I ate some fresh fruit this morning, and I'm still hungry
I'm so ****ing fed up of it, I mean it's a simple thing (I mean it's meant to be simple), fill your own body up so you don't starve

I can't manage it

I'm losing faith in this whole eating thing..

[Mountaindewed]

I had some Green Giant corn this morning and then I went out and when I came home I had a granola bar but I just now was on the verge of collasping so I ate a Clif bar. I don't know. I took my morning meds with saltine crackers and water. I got coffee which may have been a mistake. My legs just feel like jello right now. I can't seem to balance this stomach issue with my food issues.

[unaluna]

Bleeding ulcers can cause anemia, i read. Maybe thats why youre so tired all the time? Plus with that breakthru bleeding yesterday. Can urgent care check for anemia?

[Mountaindewed]

I'm seeing my gynecolgist a week from Wednesday. I spoke with a nurse who said it seemed ok to wait until I can get into the office unless things get worse.

[Buffy01]

I missed lunch because my sister didn’t bring me any lunch which upset my sister so she didn’t eat :grouphug. I was able to find :hug the emotional wound and validate the feelings .

hungry again, despite eating a full meal yesterday, overate on chips, and breakfast this morning.

fed up of it now if I'm honest, this constant hunger.

[MuddyBoots]

My body is starting to settle down a bit. I'm still bloated, gassy, and constipated, but not as much.

I got some protein shake powder. I have canned salmon and tuna. There's some chicken and plant based beef in the freezer for proteins. Have a variety of nuts, so healthy fats. Oatmeal, Cheerios, almond butter, almond and soy milk, yogurt, frozen fruits and veggies. I'm not binging on anymore of my mom's fking moose tracks ice cream and the most calorie dense desert recipe she can find on the internet anymore just to feel guilty and have it come back up with some acid and blood, feel even more guilty, and then pass out within the hour and wake up feeling like sh-it. I'm done. If I'm going to be self-destructive it's going to be with alcohol. At least I'll feel good during some of it and then not remember half of it instead of from the start "don't do it...don't do it...fk I'm doing it." And at least it's not going to be as painful as a death.

[Mountaindewed]

I got some healthy stuff today like an eggplant and a can of tomatoes and a bag of frozen butternut squash and some other stuff so I can try being healthy instead of living off chips Clif Bars and soda. Today I'm just not hungry and I am below my goal. I didn't eat any chips or Clif Bars though but I had 2 Cokes.

[Buffy01]

I’m over eating while trying :sadhug to lose weight

[Mountaindewed]

I was doing good with eating until a couple hours ago. I'm out of Zofran currently so I took 2 Dramine nausea ginger chews. Which just made things worse. The 3rd dose of my stomach meds didn't help either. I ate pretty good overall but it was just mostly in the morning.

[MuddyBoots]

One week b/p free! (Though I've been drinking like every day so that's kinda my replacement "coping skill"). I can sh-it again!

[Buffy01]

I am messing up on my diet

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

One week b/p free! (Though I've been drinking like every day so that's kinda my replacement "coping skill"). I can sh-it again!

[Mountaindewed]

So far its almost 5, and since 1AM I've had a Mountain Dew, an RX bar, 35 ketchup Pringles, and a apple. It was kind of a lot but I have a dentist appointment in a few hours so I'll be busy so I probably just ended up doing OMAD or something. Although probably I am kinda still restricting if I don't eat much else today. The apple and RX bar were healthy at least.

[MuddyBoots]

This is officially the longest I've gone b/p free since August! 11 days! I was sooo close to a session last night, but I used one of my DBT distress tolerance skills (STOP)/harm reduction and instead of having a whole box of cereal and a half gallon of ice cream I just had a couple spoonfuls of almond butter and then did the dishes (which usually at least delays b/p for me because it deters me from making more dishes). I didn't even drink.

[Buffy01]

I keep gaining weight :sadhug instead of losing weight

[Mountaindewed]

I ate ok before 9:30 this morning. I'm not sure if its OMAD or restriction. The scales heading down though. I didn't eat at all after noon yesterday. I had stuff planned for dinner. I'm not sure now.