I need to get a grip on this myself. I keep putting off the decision to stop ... I guess day one could come soon.

[Mountaindewed]

My mom heated me up some leftover semi home made chicken noodle soup yesterday after I got home. I didn't really ask for it or feel like eating it, but I knew it was what I needed and she was being really nice. I asked if she measured it which was probably a *****y thing to say. She said no but she said like she and my therapist keep telling me, I shouldn't be focusing on calories right now.

My mom has done this twice now where shes just made food without me asking and brought it to me. I appreciate it because I know shes worried about me. And its never a huge amount of food either. She uses my own smaller bowls and stuff.

I was eating some ketchup Doritos about half an hour ago and I did count them out.

[MuddyBoots]

As long as I don't do the drunk/high combo I'm good. If I get high I binge from the munchies. If I get drunk, well, I just nap. So I've kinda replaced b/p with drinking.

[Mountaindewed]

I haven't eaten much today partially because of the procedure yesterday, and partially because I've been busy and forgot. What I did eat was typical sick food. A few apple sauces, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Some Doritos. And I had a Mountain Dew and a Coke and a small can of Starbucks coffee. So idk. What I think is ok other people think is bad.

[Buffy01]

I ruined my diet

[MuddyBoots]

Made it 5 days without b/p, but yesterday I weighed myself and I had gained a lot of weight so I slipped. I can't seem to make it past 5 days.

Possible trigger:

A couple months back I said if I was over a certain weight, I would kill myself. I'm over that weight if I weigh myself at night after I drink my tea and have a snack. I'm under it in the morning. I'm freaking out. I don't think I'm going to kill myself, but I am feeling extremely down on myself and I kinda want to go on another meth binge just to lose that weight.

Having an injured knee and not being able to run or hike or even go on long walks isn't helping either.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Made it 5 days without b/p, but yesterday I weighed myself and I had gained a lot of weight so I slipped. I can't seem to make it past 5 days.

Possible trigger:

A couple months back I said if I was over a certain weight, I would kill myself. I'm over that weight if I weigh myself at night after I drink my tea and have a snack. I'm under it in the morning. I'm freaking out. I don't think I'm going to kill myself, but I am feeling extremely down on myself and I kinda want to go on another meth binge just to lose that weight.

Having an injured knee and not being able to run or hike or even go on long walks isn't helping either.

Weight changes throughout the day

[MuddyBoots]

I know, but even when I weigh myself at the same time every day it goes up and up. I think my problem is (tmi) I'm super constipated. Just another great effect of eating disorders.

I probably have 4 days worth of food in my gut, and of course my mom had to make cake and barely eat it (I really need to move out again) so I--having no impulse control--ate most of it along with the leftover frosting. I tried to purge it while she was out of the house but I only had like 15 minutes and I probably only got like a quarter of it out before she came back.

I want to get my car fixed up right and good and just leave. Live in it. Travel wherever the fk I want. Be on my own. Not live with people that only eat junk food or people actively using substances or people that hit you and force you to have s*x with them. I miss my grandma. Things were good when I lived with her.

But yeah, I'm way over my GW and getting further and further from it. I know I'm trying to recover and I am cutting down on the binging and purging but the thoughts and the body checking and overall obsession with food and numbers just won't go away.

[Mountaindewed]

My stomach meds jumpstart my weight gain. Going without them causes me to be in a lot of a pain though. I at least stopped getting coffee. I cut out that habit pretty easily. Now I need to cut back on the amount of soda I drink. I need to get down to 1 a day instead of 3 or 4.

I want ketchup chips really badly but I have to wait for a Walmart order on Tuesday and then an Amazon order on the 22nd.

I went up a size in pants and shirts but I'm hoping to lose the weight I gained when my stomach issues are figured out.

[Deilla]

I'm not doing well. I don't know what I did wrong.

Setting the intention to go for a bicycle ride tomorrow. My health is in great decline. I know I won't get a grip on eating myself into a slow, painful deaf if I don't get outside more often.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm having a rough time but we think its physical but my mom was on the phone with my pdocs nurse and she mentioned to her I wasn't eating a lot. So I'm not sure what he'll say about that since I've never really gone into details about my eating or weight loss issues with him and when I have he's gotten kinda pissed. I said in my message I was having a rough time with my anxiety because of the reaction I had to my endoscopy. So the not hungry issue is only a small part of things

My mom is trying to make me eat a melon right now.

Sometimes I'm like "what if I just stopped eating." Idk. It was a weird thought I had today and an even weirder feeling I felt when I had the thought.

[MuddyBoots]

Only b/p'd twice in the past week and my body is going through all the recovery ******** where you relearn how to digest food properly and it fkn sucks. I don't even know how to eat. Like, what is too little and what is too much? I'm trying to keep a schedule and log what I eat to make sure I'm not restricting or overeating, but my sleep schedule is so screwed up and the fact that I'm drinking and passing out and missing meals/snacks then waking up craving carbs and fats doesn't help. I should probably not drink.

[Buffy01]

I’m supposed to be losing weight :sadhug instead of gain weight

[Mountaindewed]

I've had a serving of Pringles, a protein bar, and 2 Cokes today. So my anxiety and stomach are pretty good right now even if I am restricting. My therapist told me if I can only eat ketchup chips and Coke right now because of my stomach, its better then not eating anything.

My pdoc does think its related to my procedure and says to just let it run its course and get in touch with my GI doctor.

[Mountaindewed]

I've had some of my normal flavored chips and a Clif bar to eat, and then 2 regular size cans of Coke, a 7.5 mini can of Coke, and a 20oz bottle of Coke. Its just some weird reaction type **** from going under last Thursday. Idk when it will pass. My therapist and my pdoc aren't worried but my mom kinda is. Shes picking me up some frozen maragherita pizzas from Walmart today.

I just ate a Lean Cusine and it did not settle right...

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I've had some of my normal flavored chips and a Clif bar to eat, and then 2 regular size cans of Coke, a 7.5 mini can of Coke, and a 20oz bottle of Coke. Its just some weird reaction type **** from going under last Thursday. Idk when it will pass. My therapist and my pdoc aren't worried but my mom kinda is. Shes picking me up some frozen maragherita pizzas from Walmart today.

I just ate a Lean Cusine and it did not settle right...

What are frozen margarita pizzas? sounds fun

edit: oh it's margherita not margarita, nvm

[MuddyBoots]

I just purged and I feel like utter **-** and I know I should have a banana or something, but I just can't with the food right now.

I"m gonna lay down.

I am continuing to really go off my food (hot food, anyway. I'm okay about junkfood)

it's not good I know..

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

What are frozen margarita pizzas? sounds fun

edit: oh it's margherita not margarita, nvm

Now we're talkin'!

Originally Posted by unaluna

Now we're talkin'!

the mini ones are nice

yummers

[Mountaindewed]

I'm just hanging out with my serving of chips and 2 Clif kid bars and 1 regular size can of Coke, one mini can of Coke, and one 20oz zero sugar Coke. I also had a small iced matcha latte with skim milk, and and a small iced tea.

I'm kind of low on energy and tired, but my stomach is ok. My mom says chips and granola bars won't keep me going. Its just I had that Lean Cuisine yesterday and couldn't get out of bed after 2PM because I was in pain.

So idk.

I'm hungry but I'm scared to eat anything because I'm scared I'll be in pain. So I'm just sitting here with my stomach rumbling drinking water.

I'm tired of my therapists healthy at any size talk. I am not medically healthy being 20 pounds overweight. I don't care if she herself is healthy being over 300 pounds. Not everyone is the same. She shouldn't be cookie cutting people like that.

[MuddyBoots]

Still felt like crap when I woke up, but after having some tea and a one-egg omelet I felt better. Still nauseous but that's not new. Still vomiting blood. Endoscopy says nothing wrong but gastritis. I don't know if that can cause bleeding or if I'm just causing tiny tears in my esophagus and/or stomach lining that are healing quickly and not leaving noticeable scars. Idk I'm not a doctor. I'm just going to not purge today.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I'm tired of my therapists healthy at any size talk. I am not medically healthy being 20 pounds overweight. I don't care if she herself is healthy being over 300 pounds. Not everyone is the same. She shouldn't be cookie cutting people like that.

I don't get the healthy at any size either. If you can be obese and healthy, why can't you be underweight and healthy? What happened to being healthy at a healthy size???

[Buffy01]

I think that I am ruining my diet