accountability

ok.. i need to start being more open about what i am doing. i want to get well. T says this is a coping mechanism and if that is true then i want to try to learn new, healthier ones. In that vein.. i want to be accountable in what i am doing...

today i did not throw up.. and i will fight the urge to do so
i made the conscious choice to have a protein shake, about a dozen small shrimp, three crackers, some coffee and a slice of low cal toast
i will try to make myself eat something more.. fruit probably
i took a multivitamin and some supplements

i will not win every battle, but i will win the war.

what are you all doing to help yourselves? What good things are you trying? Think positive.. let's help each other

Today... I ate peanut butter toast....yea!!!! (week has been bad) so major victory for me...


and I saw.. my son... and didn't get upset.. another major victory.. we had nice chat... so very good.. Yea!!!

ok....ok..... i *did not* eat the chocolate bar that is hiding in my car. I need to work on a plan - like t says- so that I am not trying to fit in 3 meals between 10 am and 5pm. 7 hours, 3 meals = me feeling really really sick.
so the plan is that i get up at 8 (shudder), eat, then ... i dunno - go back to bed? Oh tomorrow is yoga.
so get up 8 - eat
yoga - 11:30
lunch 1:30
dinner 5 (for meds). I have so many supplements i *have* to eat something.
tonight i just choked down a turkey patty and some cashew butter. lunch was a tortilla and some kamut pasta. breakfast was a tiny piece of turkey.
i feel like a whale.

Kiya

For me, eating small meals regularly really DOES help keep the ED stuff a little more under control. As soon as I miss a meal...it starts.

You're doing a good thing.

i'll have to do better tomorrow - i feel totally sick today/night

(((EM))))

kiya, you CAN do it kiddo. Write down a one line statement that gives you encouragement.

today can be better than yesterday.

freewill.. congrats! each battle helps

saying No to a binge is so hard..or just over eating in general.. but saying NO gives me anxiety for a little while and then i feel empowered. It has been 2 days since i have binged/purged/laxed.

(((((((((((((((((((( wishfulmuscle ))))))))))))))))))))))

way to go!

I love this blog, everyone here is being so encouraging and positive. This is exactly what each and every one of us need.

...2 days ago it was, I promised my boyfriend that I would never throw up again. I knew it would be a hard promise to keep, but I also knew that I love him so much and when I make a promise, I keep it. Unfortunatly, I was eating %#@&#! foods today (wendy's chicken wrap, hashbrowns, cookies, chocolate chips)- and broke my promise. It makes me feel terrible and I don't think I will tell him, but I know that that's it for me. Atleast I will try my hardest to not throw up - because this promise means a lot to me.

MzJellowFluff, I too am very determined to kick this terrible disease out of my life, and recover. I want to be able to eat normally again without guilt and feeling fat. We all deserve this. And If you want to message back and forth every few days I would love that, It would really help to have someone there who is also trying to recover as much as I am.

Take care everyone. And please check out this link. If you do not have motivation to recover for yourself, do it for those who did not get the chance. You can also find this link in Dr. John's post on the main page of links. Good luck!!

http://www.something-fishy.org/memorial/memorial.php

today i got up just after 8 (like i told t i would) couldn't eat for 1.5 hours (like i told t I would eat at 8), ate a "toast" with fake cheese and 1/4 an avocado.
Yoga at 11:30 and i worked hard, and friends were there and for the first time in a while i was feeling really good - about everything.
then instead of going home to eat (as my schedule said i would with t) i went to a store. So lunch was also an hour late and i overate. The plan was to have a bite of cashew butter or an applesauce (the lil kid containers). So i ate a huge bowl of kamut pasta (as pasta salad with mayo and mustard, spices) and also several bites of Yellow Curried Dahl. Course I am supposed to eat dinner at 5. 2.5 hours after lunch....after all that?!?! ha! right.
So this final rupture is causing me to change my med time from 8pm (3 hours after food) to 5pm and eat dinner alot later. I hope this works out.

Meanwhile, I get a star for yoga and a star for NOT eating the 2 chocolate bars I have coveted in my car. One of which I bought today.

we can practice reframing maybe.. you know.. like instead of me saying i ate only half a tomato.. i can say i managed to eat half a tomato.. look for the positives

Kiya, you are just starting a new plan.. give yourself credit and time lovey... no one learns how to climb everest the first time in hiking boots, right? Stay strong

luckyyou.. the thing is, and any addiction program will tell you, that making a promise... and doing this for someone else, just is setting yourself up for a fall. It isn't so simple.. and although yeah, you have to decide to stop permenently at some point.. a cold turkey promise without help is likely to be very difficult. Stopping usually requires support, professional i mean... or s support group, talking it out here even... and it requires dealing with the underlying issues. Afterall, noone of this is about food for any of us really. You CAN do this... you really can.. but give yourself tools to help yourself. This is such a monster to face alone. If nothing else.. ask your BF to help you.. the over-eating of junk foods.. he could help you there.. help give you a remindr cue. Maybe send him to the counter to order for you so you wont over-order yourself. i dunno.. it isn't easy, sugar... i wsh you strength. Give yourself credit for evey little milestone. You made it two days- YAY! Make it three... make it four... baby steps maybe.

i haven't eatne yet today... but i do not want to go to therapy and tell T this.. i want to be able to tell him that yes, i ate something today. It's hard bc i lost another 4lbs and of course that brings out the thrill and the resisitence to eating.. i am determined to try. Maybe cottage cheese or some fruit.. i can i can i can.

peace out kids.. we can do this

((((Fluff))))))

When do you have t? You're right - we can do this. half a tomato for you!

i am learning that I cannot just get up and eat. I need 2 hours or so after I am awake before eating. So, getting up at 8 means eating at 10:30. And I don't want to get up earlier than that when I have no where to be.

I am not planning well - I have nothing in the day to add when I am not working. True, I could excercies.... but on my own it is pretty pointless. I turn inward and withdraw -stay in bed reading.

I cleaned out the fridge today just in time for the trash - so much rotten food gone to waste. I'm not even the one who bought it. Looks like I'm not the only one with a food disorder in this house.

you are doing good kiya, it all takes time.. don't give up, k? Can you make a new schedule based on the things you have learned in trying this one?

i had T this afternoon... and this time he asked me how the food issues were going... i told him i had 1/4 C cottage cheese and i'd had a tsp of peanut butter... but i did something clever... i normally bring him stuff, chocolate or cupcakes or some other such thing. So today i brought him a whole Lindt bar and told him he had to share. So i had two squares, AND i got to share the smiley moment with T.

tonight for dinner i ate some toppings off of a pizza slice and i had a small cube of melon. i'm hoping to coax myself into having a few fresh cherries or a chunk of mango.

i live on coffee basically... no sugar, extra cream.. that counts as dairy right?

mmmmmmmmm i like mango.

nice to make t share chocolate with you =) a good idea!
kiya