messed up

I despise myself...... I am so embarrassed and ashamed and mad at myself. I purged tonight. I had a really stressful day and didn't eat anything....then I tried to have a little bit of a healthy dinner, which led to 6 cookies and 5 pieces of chocolate, and I felt so sick and full and awful. I started freaking out about how many calories it was. I thought about purging and decided not to, but then on an impulse I just did it. I haven't purged since I was 16 years old..... I know how damaging it is and I've been determined not to until now. It scares me how easy it was to do and how much better I felt afterwards. I hate food, and I hate how eating a little always makes me want to eat more and more. I wish I could just never eat again....I wish I could just disappear off the face of the earth.

I'm sorry...I'm sure nobody wants to hear about this.....I don't even know why I am posting it.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ktgirl )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't worry what people "want to hear". You post what you need to post.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know what it's like to go back to old coping mechanisms.

Just because you purged once doesn't mean you have to do it again.

Be gentle with you.

thank you earthmama....you are right....I don't have to do it again. but if I couldn't resist before it seems like a hopeless cause.....I will try.
Things seem like they just keep getting worse for me and I have no ability to help myself. I feel like such a failure.

Thanks for understanding me.
kt

Hey hon,

I know it seams so easy to say that you wont go back to old ways when your ok, then when your not- thinking becomes irational ( i think thats the right word) and you forget- i do it all the time, honestly.

also, i have been on here about a day? lol, and we all need to vent, no-ones gonna judge you or get bored with venting posts, we all needs to do it- and if its rekeasing what your feeling and your expressing yourself then tahts good isnt it?

If you ever want to vent or whatever, i would be happy for you to eamil me, any time

Take care, god bless clo xxxxxx

I am glad you posted this, so someone going through the same thing can see it and be able to lend a hand. Your safe to speak here at PC.

(((((chloey, BalishBun)))))
Thank you for your encouragement and support. I've still been having a really difficult time lately. I do feel bad for posting my struggles because I don't want to bring people down. I just need to find a way to get past it and reach out for support, on these boards and IRL.
thanks again,
ktgirl

(((((((ktgirl))))))) Sweetie, don't worry about bringing other people down or telling us what we want to hear. All you need to worry about is yourself, and getting yourself healthy. I'm so proud of you that you made it from sixteen years old to however old you are now without purging, and it's okay that you gave in. A lot of people aren't as strong as you, and I have confidence that you'll continue to be that strong.
If you ever need to talk, you know we're all here.

i relate to u so much

(((KanyaxRose))) - thank you so much for saying those things...your words are comforting. I am 35 now and recently went through a traumatic experience so now I am going through all this crap which is so much like what I went through as a teenager. I think I always assumed that I'd be smarter and more capable of coping as an adult. I guess not.

(((((camel))))) On one hand, I am sorry for you that you can relate to me, but on the other hand it feels really good to be understood, so thank you for saying that. Hang in there...


ktgirl

Hi,

I've been reading these posts because I'm back into my overeating. I eat totally crazy and then hate what I'm doing to myself.

It's been months since I ate any balanced meals. It's like I've turned into a kid and only eat sweets for most of my meals. I spend more money on candy than any other kind of food lately.

I've had periods of recovery and remission and I started overeating sweets again when my youngest child married and moved out and I had to start dealing with my empty nest and empty marriage.

I relate to the feelings you all write if not the exact actions of purging.

I've food restricted, overeaten and just eating spazzy for periods of time and gone from extreme low to over 200 lbs.

I really miss recovrey when food did not boss me around and I could walk away without bingeing and be happy. I miss the good OA program I had once and a thing called Weigh Down Workshop that really worked for me. I hate doing bad things to myself and feeling guilty when God has done so much to show His love to me.

Thanks for being out there, even if we don't know each other. I've got so many issues to work on, that I postponed this eating thing, but It is messing up my other issues work like using drugs would.

I want to go back into recovery and be sane again, I miss it so badly.

thanks All, I will pray for you all and hope for better things in your life!

Leslieann

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multipixie9 said:

I hate doing bad things to myself and feeling guilty when God has done so much to show His love to me.

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I feel this way too, Leslieann. Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that this is kind of like an addiction or sickness, but that seems like just making excuses.

I wish you the best in getting back on track with your recovery.

ktgirl