[ThePainNeverDies]

But nope. Yet again, I'm planning to starve. Normally, I start on a Monday, but the panic of getting fat just gripped me today. So, this was after breakfast so I've eaten breakfast. I'm not eating for the rest of the day, because I'm not hungry and I don't want to get fat. So, tomorrow is day one of the starve again.

I'm seeing someone from SWEDA on 6th Feb, which is next Friday. it means I'll have to miss college I really don't want to go, but I just feel that it's the only way that anyone will get off my back and think I do want to get better..

I mean, of course I don't want to put myself through all the pain and such, but right now, i just don't care at all. This week I'll be surviving on one energy drink a day, the rest of my drinks being water. Next week, it's nothing but water that I'll be drinking. nothing else will be passing my lips. I'm even tempted to stop taking my meds because I'm scared that they're making me fat I know it's a really bad idea, but they're not doing much for me anyway, so what difference would it make?

The smell and sight of food, once again, makes me wnat to throw up. I've been like this before, when this starving first started. I don't see it as an eating disorder. it's not an eating disorder to me, it's something to make my life better, make me happier, more confident, love myself more. I'm fed up of feeling fat all of the time, even if people do say I'm losing weight, I don't believe them.

Just a stone or two and I'll be happy. Just getting down to size 8 trousers and I'll be overjoyed. that's all I want. To be happy for once. And this time, I'm telling nobody but you on here who read it. Nobody will know, because that way nobody can make me eat. I hate being unhappy with myself constantly.

I need to be thin. It's my lifelong wish and now, I will be fulfilling it, she keeps telling me. She says she'll make my life so much better, that the pang of hunger is the pang of happiness i will feel when i lose that stone or two. The feeling of weakness shows I'm doing well. I can't wait.

I have to sort out my exercise programme with Dom, too. Then I can start going to the gym with Emily. If I start to feel faint, I don't care, I'll just chuck some water down my throat and get on with it. Not even Emily will know of my plan, otherwise she'll either stop me from going to the gym herself, (or at least try to stop me) or tell Dom, who will take me aside and also stop me, he'll not let me go back unless he sees me eat something, I can predict that somehow. Or he'll get Jason or Abi onto me about it, try and get them to get me to eat. Nuh-uh. I am NOT going through that again.

I've had enough of feeling guilty for eating. Had enough of, when I eat, not feeling that good, 'I'm filling my stomach up with food and it's good' feeling, but feeling like 'I'm getting fatter, I can feel it as the food sinks into my stomach' and just wanting to purge every time I eat.

If Connro invites me over, i'll find an excuse not to go. Oh s**t! Karima's coming over this weekend! I'll figure out a way to not eat. I'll say something like "I don't like eating around people." because that's a true statement, i hate eating in front of people because I think they're sat there saying to themselves 'ugh. Look at her. Making herself fatter and fatter by eating' or thinking; 'she's not eating quickly enough, she's obviously notbeen eating properly' or 'she hasn't finished/touched her dinner. There's something fishy going on here.' I don't know. I just don't like people seeing me eat because I feel like they're watching me, making sure I'm not hiding my food, making sure I swallow every last morsel.

Not anymore. I need this. I need her.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Oh.. God, I'm so scared.. I have to see Anita from SWEDA next Friday and was talking to one of the supporters last night and told her how.. How today I was going to start a major restriction of food.. She asked me why and went on to say about me needing to be healthy and able to engage in the counselling.. Saying that if I restrict even more, then I mightn't be able to get as much out of it as I could if I was eating

Bit too late for that now though. I've already started. I hope they don't try and stop me.. If anything, I won't say a word about it.

[pegasus]

((((((( ThePainNeverDies )))))))

Starving yourself is not the best way to lose weight as the body goes into starvation mode and starts to store the fat in your body as much as it can. Then when you start eating again, any weight that you did happen to lose will be put straight back on again. Starvation never works for losing weight other than to make you feel really ill. I'm guessing that there are other psychological reasons why you wish to starve yourself.

I'm concerned, please talk with someone truthfully why you are doing this.

[cantstopcrying]

K--what happened to the promise to surround yourself with only people who are a positive influence on you, no negativity, no pressure? To do that, you need to start with you. You are not being a positive influence on yourself, on your health. Re-read what you have written. What if one of us had written that, would you agree with us that that was the way to go? Eat nothing, work out until you pass out, lie to friends, lie to SWEDA. BTW, honey, I thought your lifelong dream was to sing, not be thin. (Which, I've seen pictures of you, dear. Fat, overweight, disgusting--those are not words that came to my mind at all!!)

Of course you don't see it as an eating disorder--that part of the disorder! Most alcoholics don't see themselves as such, either. They just like a few drinks every day. Most abusers don't see themselves as abusers, they just get provoked; the victim made them do it. Most 93 pound anorexics don't see themselves as thin, even when hospitalized with tubes coming out of them. It's why it's called a disorder or disease. You are very intelligent, you know better than this. Would you consider talking to a nutritionist? He/she will advise you the best way to eat to lose weight.

So you are going to work out and if you feel like you are going to pass out, you'll just drink some water. What if you don't feel it coming? Most syncopal episodes you don't feel starting. So you're running on the treadmill, running running running, listening to music, running, you blink then you open your eyes and you're laying on the ground, head is bleeding, arm is broken and ankle is twisted. You passed out, hit your head and arm and twisted your ankle when you went down. Guess where you're headed to--the hospital for a whole battery of tests to find out wy you passed out, even though you already know.

I know you don't want people nagging at you, you want people to get off your back, etc. This is one area where I will keep nagging, poking, proding and anything else. I cannot sit by and listen to you say what harm you plan on doing to your body and know I did nothing to try to convince you to be healthier and safer. It's out of caring and concern, dear.

[ThePainNeverDies]

:S Seen pictures of me where?

I'm going to talk to Anita truthfully, I know she#s only there to help.. I just don#t feel thin enough to go.. I'm so tempted to bottle out, but I won't because I've arranged it now..

Of course I would disagree with others, but that's because they have other qualities that override how big/small they are.. I don't think anyone but you sees that in me I think they all see me as the fat frump sitting around waiting for more food.. But I never wait for lunch times.. I hate lunch times.. They're my worst time.. Connor got me to eat today because.. Because I couldn't come up with an excuse as to why I didn't want to eat.. He bought me a sandwich and an apple and a chocolate bar.. I felt so, so guilty eating the chocolate bar, but I've worked it off..

Tomorrow is when it starts properly, because no-one's around to stop me really.. I know it's not the best thing for me to do, but I will eat a little something before I go doing any working out. Promise..

I couldn't talk to a nutritionist because they'd probably just say "don't be silly, just keep on how you are and with the exercise you're doing and you'll be fine, you're smack bang in the middle of the healthy weight range.." So no, I'd feel stupid if I went to see a nutritionist.

I'#ve had a workout and this time, I took my inhaler before I did anything, but still after the session, I just couldn't breathe. My mum rang as soon as I got in, so I was talking, struggling to breathe, trying to hide it and just being there for her and stuff I took my inhaler 8 times in the space of 1-2 hours. That's not good at all.. I still can't breathe properly now, but I'm not allowed to take my inhaler anymore. So I'm just drinking lots, letting it calm itself down, trying not to talk too much, breathing heavily, sucking in as much air as possible, but it's a struggle I hate it when i can't breathe. I'll panic and then it gets worse.. I'm trying not to panic, but it's getting worse and worse..

Sky thinks I overdid it, she reckons just 30 mins on a bike 3 days a week, or even just once a week will do the trick.. I don't believe it. I did:

5 minutes walking on the treadmill - quick pace,
2 mins skipping-one jump per second=120 jumps,
2 mins stepping onto, jumping off a step, one jump/step per second=120 steps/jumps,
2 mins running up and down 3 steps, 1 step per second=360 steps,
2 mins jumping onto, stepping off a step, one step/jump per second=120 jumps/steps,
2 mins tricep pushups, one per second=120 tricep pushups,
2 mins press ups, one-two per second=120-240 press ups (girlie ones-they were too easy, could've gone another 8 mins),
5-10 mins boxing, one punch per second=roughly 800-1,000 punches (if anyone wants to work it out fully, they can. But that's a guess-timate)

That's all of it, I think.. I'm sure there was more, but I just can't remember.
I'm exhausted, but still don't see it as enough.. I'm really tempted to go and run on the treadmill for 10 minutes.. It'll exhaust me even more, but.. I feel I need to do it..

I know it's out of caring and concern and I'm sorry taht I'm.. Letting you down.. Letting others down too.. I know I am and that's why.. Why I can't tell anyone.. I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not holdiong anything back.. If they ask, I'll tell them straight. I promise.. *sob* I just want to be the beautiful girl I used to be.. I look at pictures of me from.. Say.. 2 years/3 years ago and I think "God, I was so beautiful, so slim then.. Look at me in those modelling photos! I'm so slim, so.. Sexy, so beautiful.. Why can't I be like that again? I can. If I just keep on how I am now, and then when I do end up eating properly again, buying a bike, going out on it, starting horse riding again, going running every weekend again... If I get a dog, I can use that as an excuse to go out running and keep me and the dog fit." I just wish, so so much that I could be that 8st 11lbs I was then. I reallyw as so beautiful then. Yes, I may look slightly upset in my favourite photo, but I'm beautiful!

*sigh* and now.. I'm having crap spread about me around college... I don't need this! I want to be happy! Go somewhere and feel ok, feel safe, feel like I can be MYSELF. Not somebody that pretends to be confident, to cover up how she really feels.. Yes, me being able to pretend that I'm confident shows that I can and will be confident, but.. That's very rarely and it's gonna take a lot.. I'm fed up of all this s**t these are the people that make me GIVE UP! What IS the point if all they're gonna do is turnm people against me?!!!

I'm FED UP!! I hate myself! I hate myself so, so much!! I'm fed up of covering up! Fed up of feeling fine for an hour, then being completely off the rails the next 5 minutes!! I feel like ripping every hair on my head out, like peeling every inch of my skin off, ripping my insides out. I feel so sick! So, so sick of all this!! *sobs* I can't take anymore s**t like this anymore!!!

[cantstopcrying]

Come here, my arms are open. Put your head on my shoulder and cry honey. You are not letting me down at all. I saw pictures of you the same place I heard your songs.

Along with your inhaler do you not have a nebulizer? As you know, asthma is nothing to mess around with. Get someone, it doesn't matter if it's the meanest person in the world, get someone to take to ER right away if you still can't breathe well.

Right now is when you need to say STOP outloud. Hating yourself, ripping your skin, all of that will do no good. Use the wonderful skills you already know. You've got the ability to do it. I'll sit right here with you while you do. Those people that are spreading crap about will always spread crap about someone--it's about them, not about you. That is how they feel better about themselves. It's what you believe that matters.

K--I believe in you. I see beauty in you, I see strength; I also see a little girl who has been hurt her whole life and is just struggling to survive. Take it easy on yourself. Be the one person, besides your wonderful dad, that you know will never hurt you. You can.

[ThePainNeverDies]

It's my own stupid f*cking fault for starting it in the first place! For cheating on him! For turning to someone else because he was being insensitive, because someone else was there for me, because they were sensitive and actually gave a s**t about me!! It's all my own stupid f*cking fault!! I know it is! And I hate myself for it! I HATE MYSELF!!!

I'm breathing ok now, but my chest is starting to get tight againa dn I'm panicking and I'm anxious and shaking and I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna scream and shout and get really really mad.. Just one more thing, and I know I'm not violent, I hate being violent but in this fragile state, if one more person traps, angers, upsets or hurts me in ANY WAY again tonight, they will get more than just a punch in the face, a kick in the gut, me screaming them.. They will get a stab in the back.. They'll have me on a rampage.. Not a verbal stab, a physical stab.. I'm sick of it, sick of hiding this.

I can't contain it any longer.. Each time someone that's abused or hurt me in the past, hurts, upsets, angers, abuses me again, the feeling gets stronger, i lose my mind some more, I sound nuts some more, I shoul be locked up some more, I should be hated more, I should be hurt more..

I feel so sick, so disgusting.. No wonder no-one likes me, no wonder I keep getting hurt, no wonder they keep abusing me and giving me horrid looks, nasty, snide comments.. I never say anything about it because I don't deserve the support for it..

I don't deserve someone so.. So supportive as you.. I am letting you down.. I'm trying to hold on, but I can't.. It's killing me. It'll kill me if I don't kill it.. And that means killing me

I wish you weren't so far away, I wish you were here in person, so I could come and cry on your shoulder, because I would, really I would, because I can't contain it any longer and I'm so, so close to just losing it, so close to.. To harming again, whacking my head til I knock myself out so I can't feel this pain anymore.. I have no-one's shoulder to cry on here and no-one cares and all they care about is what they can get out of me and.. And I'm dying inside..

I need Him here, my Foster Dad.. I can't do it without him.. If the stars aren't out tonight, I'll.. I'll... I'll.. Break downa dn I'll cry and I'll scream and shout and sob and hurt and whack and listen to "someone's watching over me" and thinghk of him and wihksh that I could feel taht he is watchil;kng over me and I have to sing it at the gig and I jsut know I'll cry.. i know it.. I'm dying, I'm unable to breathe properly, I'm so panicky and I don't wnat to eaurtt anyhitng, but I'm hugjfnry because I'm so worked up and worn oupyt, but I wtnta to pundiish myself somehow and if I eat, I harm, if I don't eat I may stilkkl harm, if I get phused anymore, I will scream my face off and tear my skin to pieces.. aanbd wreadk everygtuhing adn werkc everyohne elses lievhs..

This is getting way out of hand and I just can;t do it, i realklky cant auhnd I'm so ahsky I cant even tyipe properly andbu everythiung]s just all out ol f control and it's all over the placep; so i need. need Need NEED to strtave mysel for I eowiljln have9ot =harm abd I can;t ods it and I'm just lik eall over the place andit sall os out of corjntol and it's all fa4rlling to pie1wces and I'm dyijng..

I juts cwant toljj deie right nowk I nehed healp andn I know I do, biut no-one woill gievt it to me because theyly dont tyhink I;m abd wenough or whateftver..

*Sob*
ICan'tDoThis..

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have to go now.. Goddnightf..

I kwno you belie ve in me e CSC.. Thabjnktiyou

[cantstopcrying]

Be safe sweetheart. I'm sorry, too, that I can't be there in person for you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Wow, my typing was messed up that day.. It's ok, I had someone there for me over the weekend, in the end.. I'm finding it hard to put my trust in him, extremely hard.. One because he's a guy and two, because I'm scared of letting people in, telling them about my life, in case they run away, which will hurt even more..

Had the best day ever on Saturday, my friend, Karima came over and she really cheerd me u;.. But come dinner time, my starving was over.. I couldn't not eat anything, when I was making a pie and some muffins with Karima, for her, Charlene and.. ME. I knew that I would feel guilty and I knew that she'd probably not want to eat anything because she'd feel bad eating in front of me, when i'm not eating and such..

We talked about it a little and she said that she was glad that I'd eaten something that day. She said that it may not have been a 'normal' amount to others, but to her, it was good enough.. Even if I had skipped breakfast and lunch, I'd eaten at least one meal and that made her happy.

It made me sad, very sad indeed. So, I got upset about it once her and Charlene had gone.. Had a panic attack and everything (posted in the anxiety, panic and phobias section), so a friend had to come over and help me out.

He came and saw me last night and cuddled me, skimming my belly with his hand. I flinched slightly and he said "Kirst, you've got nothing to worry about. Your belly isn't fat, it's lovely " I felt embarrassed and slightly uncomfortable, but.. It helped a little. Just *sigh* wish i could believe it for once. I'm still really struggling and I don't want to keep on struggling.. I hate it..

I need to just feel. Beautiful and I feel that the only way I can achieve that is by being thin.