[MotownJohnny]

This question is about training -- and so, so much more. I have a lot riding on this decision.

For those that don't frequent the PTSD forum, I had a major "crisis" two years ago, and almost offed myself. It was NOT pretty. As a result, I vowed to radically reinvent myself. Part of that, a big part of that, at the time was a desire to lose about 60 pounds. And, as fate had it, I found myself doing something radical I had dreamed about, and never did -- joined a gym.

That proved my salvation - had I NOT done that, I am absolutely certain depression would just have set in over my situation, and I would have actually gone through with it in short order -- I probably would not have seen 2013.

I really got into it ... cardio, strength training, nutrition. I did a lot of different things, and still am - working with a couple of personal trainers one on one, taking a group mixed cardio/strength training class, taking boxing lessons, taking swimming lessons, and doing a WHOLE LOT of road cycling.

I had a goal of doing a triathlon this past spring. I signed up for that training program. It went .... poorly. I had some physical health issues that held me back. I had some depression issues that didn't help. I had some serious time crunch issues - just NOT enough time to do it all.

Well, I thought I was in a pretty stable place a couple of months back - the tri thing was basically over - still going on, but not the active training part, more just social right now for the duration of the summer/fall here. And, I pretty much failed at it anyway - I didn't do the main event the team did. I have felt terrible about that ever since.

But, it just wasn't in the cards. Things changed, external to me - some people in my athletic life moved on, I had to come up with a "plan B" for the rest of this year. I now have that - different, but still OK, a little more "on my own" and a little less structured - which is good and bad, means I have more flexibility in my schedule, but more personal accountability to get it done.

So, I have to make a decision about what to do in 2015. Emotionally, I want to rejoin the tri program, and SUCCEED this time. Really do it, and do it right.

IF I do that, I think I need to drop virtually EVERYTHING else - my group fitness classes, my one on one trainers, boxing. Because of time -- to do the tri program THE RIGHT WAY, it will take basically ALL of my available workout time. Doing it half-***ed doesn't work - I thought this year I could "double dip" - make some of my cardio days in group work as Tri training days, count swim lessons as swim practice, etc. It just doesn't work that way - seems the Gods don't like double-dipping.

So, FINALLY, the question - should I take the gamble? Should I make a big leap of faith? Should I put ALL of my eggs in this one basket?

Can I do it physically? I'm not sure. I'm not really sure if it was a true physical barrier I faced, or just not enough conditioning.

Can I do it mentally? Will I be OK with making a commitment to JUST ONE THING? Can I approach it with the attitude of "I can do this" or will my self-doubt from this year's failure eat away at me?

What should I do? What would you do?

[unaluna]

Do you do any running races at all? 10k's for example? I would see deciding to do a triathlon coming as a natural next step to that. I think you need to learn to relax and have fun, rather than looking at a triathlon as taking a big gamble with your life. Is that how your t sees it?

[MotownJohnny]

Thanks, Hankster, I can always count on you to put a "real world, no nonsense" spin on things.

I haven't discussed this with her in these terms. I'm kind of not doing a lot there right now ... I've decided I need to find a trauma specialist. She's great ... but she is just a general therapist.

However, I think she would see it like you do ... why so serious?

I may not convince you, but here is my argument:

Because to me, this IS serious. It's not just some hobby - this is what is keeping me alive. I need raison d'etre at this point - what else do I have? Family - well, they mostly ... let's just say I doubt I will ever see eye to eye with them. Work - I love my job, but I don't live for it. Romance -- ugh, let's not even go there ....

Nope, this is what saved me. It gave me everything I was lacking - confidence, strength, comradery/friendship/community. This is what is going to carry me through.

I really WANT to have this be my thing. It is everything I'm looking for --- but can I do it?

So, I guess it boils down to one question -- do I believe in myself at this point?

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

This question is about training -- and so, so much more. I have a lot riding on this decision.

So, FINALLY, the question - should I take the gamble? Should I make a big leap of faith? Should I put ALL of my eggs in this one basket?

Can I do it physically? I'm not sure. I'm not really sure if it was a true physical barrier I faced, or just not enough conditioning.

Can I do it mentally? Will I be OK with making a commitment to JUST ONE THING? Can I approach it with the attitude of "I can do this" or will my self-doubt from this year's failure eat away at me?

What should I do? What would you do?

I'm probably not the best person to reply to this Thread, Johnny since I'm not athletic. But I'll give it a go anyway. You mentioned physical health issues a couple of times & that you're not really sure if these will be a problem again. Not knowing what they are, I can't comment too much. Perhaps a visit with a physician who specializes in sports medicine would be advisable just to make sure you're not simply trying to push your body beyond its limits. If your body simply isn't up to the demands of a triathlon, there's no point in beating it up for nothing. At some point that just becomes self-abuse.

As far as the mental aspects of this go, personally I dislike the idea of painting oneself into a corner, success or failure, do or die. But one certainly hears of people who have done this type of thing & won. The problem is, of course, we don't hear about the ones that failed. My perspective would be, if I even needed to ask the question, I probably wouldn't go there.

The primary concern I would have with regard to this, however, is what happens afterward, if you give up everything you've been doing to pursue triathlon training full-time (particularly if you don't succeed for whatever reason... perhaps something completely beyond your control.) Or, in the alternative, what if you succeed but then the program winds down & again becomes more social. Do you have a plan for what to do from there? You've given up everything you were doing & now, for whatever reason, the triathlon training has stopped or become primarily social. Do you have a bridge to get you back to the other side, so to speak? I could see a person in this situation just sitting back to take a bit of a well-deserved rest, then gradually sliding back into old ways a bit at a time, depression begins to rear its ugly head again & without even realizing it, all of your efforts have dissolved.

So, I certainly can't tell you whether or not to do the triathlon. But I would recommend 2 things. First get with a physician or clinic that specializes in sports medicine & let them advise you with regard to your physical tolerance for that level of endurance. Second, have worked out, a plan for how you'll get back into a non-triathlon training regimen once the triathlon training & competition is done. You might even consider constructing a flow chart showing how this will work. Also, possibly consider if there are ways in which you can maintain contacts with current trainers / training buddies. It sounds, from what I read, as though having some of your old contacts move on was a problem in the past. So, if you can maintain contact with your current trainers / training buddies while you're doing the triathlon, it may be easier to re-establish your old routine at a later date should you need or want to.

GOOD LUCK!!!

[SnakeCharmer]

Motown Johnny, I'm probably going to say stuff you don't want to hear.

First, I'm a gym rat, weight trainer and have been for years. I consider it an essential part of my mental and physical health program. I've been doing it for decades and I've seen many people come and go. I switch up my routine every six to eight weeks so I don't get bored and don't plateau.

In my opinion, what you're contemplating would be a very big mistake because you're forgetting the basic reason you hit the gym, worked out with weights, did cardio, improved your nutrition, lost weight and improved your health.

It was not because you are a competitive athlete.

It's because you were suicidal, depressed, in crisis, suffering PTSD and you decided that instead of killing yourself you'd do some radical reinvention. That was a good choice. It worked. Why the hell would you kick that program to the curb and risk losing everything?

Well, I can tell you why. Ego. Grandiosity. Maybe what Dr. Jung would have called the Trickster archetype whispering sabotage in your ear, telling you to forget your MI and to only think of about the glory of crossing the finish line in a tri event.

Hankster had some good suggestions. If you want to bump things up a bit, there are probably 5 k and 10 k runs every weekend in your town. You could join a cycling or hiking club for social interaction and still keep up your basic program that you started when you almost committed suicide.

We're not talking about your athletic performance here. We're talking about your mental health and your life.

I'm sorry to speak so harshly ... well ... no I'm not. I'm not sorry because in the past I was too polite to speak up when I saw a gym pal going off their tried and true program of health in search of glory and ego-gratification. Instead of speaking my mind, I offered luke-warm encouragement as everyone else was cheering them on to reach for the gold ring.

And every single one of them fell flat on their face because they had gotten too extreme, too obsessed, too far away from the real issue -- their health. They weren't athletes. They were people with mental and physical problems who'd found part of their recovery in the self-discipline of strength, fitness, nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

When someone with MI falls flat, it gets ugly. Suicide attempts, hospitalization, big weight gain, eating disorders, complete emotional chaos.

You're probably not going to listen to a word I've said. It's hard to hear anything when the Trickster God is tempting us away from what works for us. But ... (deep sigh)... at least I'll know I tried.

I wish you well, Motown Johnny. I'll think of you when I'm at the gym pushing the sled. That will keep me from tossing on another 45 lb plate. That'll be good for me, if for no one else.

Take Care.

[MotownJohnny]

No, it's all fine, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't truly in need of advice.

One good thing - if I go forward, and it doesn't work, going back is easy from a pragmatic standpoint, one phone call and I could restore all I do now, trainers, group, etc. I guess that isn't even the type of risk this represents to me. So in that sense, my "all or nothing" "risk it all" post seems stupid to me now.

Glory and ego - no, honestly. I expect to do miserably, and I don't expect to enjoy any of it. I am a particularly terrible swimmer, really slow. So, why even do it, it sounds so stupid on the face of it. Because I need something that will take me to a level beyond anything I have experienced. Physically and mentally. I guess I feel like if I could be tough enough to do that, I would be tough enough to survive. Right now, I question that.

[Perna]

I think you are setting your bar too high, wanting to go from "nothing" to the Olympics

Why not do a couple 5Ks and then maybe a half-marathon, work up to a marathon? Local hospitals and other places like that often have 5Ks/walk-a-thons, etc. RMDC Calendar :: Find a RACE for YOU! There are whole groups you can join and train with, etc. and shifting to one of them instead of the gym might be fun/interesting for you, let you meet new people with interests like your own, etc.?

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

No, it's all fine, I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't truly in need of advice.

One good thing - if I go forward, and it doesn't work, going back is easy from a pragmatic standpoint, one phone call and I could restore all I do now, trainers, group, etc. I guess that isn't even the type of risk this represents to me. So in that sense, my "all or nothing" "risk it all" post seems stupid to me now.

Glory and ego - no, honestly. I expect to do miserably, and I don't expect to enjoy any of it. I am a particularly terrible swimmer, really slow. So, why even do it, it sounds so stupid on the face of it. Because I need something that will take me to a level beyond anything I have experienced. Physically and mentally. I guess I feel like if I could be tough enough to do that, I would be tough enough to survive. Right now, I question that.

Johnny: I want to share this YouTube video with you. It is from YouTuber: Noah Thomas. I hope you enjoy it.

[SnakeCharmer]

Thanks for the video, Skeezyks.

I second Perna, but that's no surprise, considering my previous post.

I wish you well, MotownJohnny, for many years to come, and hope that you will keep us up-to-date with your routine and what you're doing. Whatever you decide to do.

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Thanks for the video, Skeezyks.

I second Perna, but that's no surprise, considering my previous post.

I wish you well, MotownJohnny, for many years to come, and hope that you will keep us up-to-date with your routine and what you're doing. Whatever you decide to do.

The thing that I wonder about is this idea of doing marathons. Running marathons, I would guess, requires possibly a different set of physical abilities than does strength training & even cycling.

I would presume it could be very hard on the knees & hips. Somewhere I had read recently that there are now some studies that suggest marathoning isn't that good for a person's long-term health.

Also, Johnny has mentioned that he had some physical problems the last time he tried training for the triathlon. So, in my ignorance of such things , I question if running marathons is a good alternative.

[SnakeCharmer]

The Skeezyks, totally agree with you. That's why I like Perna's idea of starting out with 5 or 10K events to begin with. It's a safer way to discover the body's limits.

But Johnny's gonna do what he's gonna do. (As will all of us!) So let's wish him well and urge him to keep in touch with us so we can be here to lend him support and encouragement in case anywhere along the way his resolve to maintain a healthy lifestyle weakens.

And Johnny, I hope you'll heed The Skeezyks' recommendation to get yourself medically checked out before beginning any new and grueling training. It's good advice and can save you some injuries and problems along the way.

[MotownJohnny]

Hi. Your concerns for me are noted and much appreciated. It's funny, in a sad, ironic way - total strangers on the internet care more about my existence than members of my own family. But that is material for a different thread elsewhere. I'll just say I'm grateful for your support and kindness.

Well, a couple of things. Medically, I can't get much more "supervised". Saw my pcp about 4 weeks ago, see her again in Sept. Saw the pulmonologist last week. Saw the psychiatrist last week. I see the cardiologist tomorrow. I see the integrative medicine doctor, who I went to for sports medicine/nutritional support, in a few weeks. Oh, and the chiropractor, I see him every few weeks on a professional basis, and he also gives me the occasional swimming lesson (he coaches and competes). So, yeah, I see a lot of doctors - I know that kind of sounds bad on paper, like I'm a hypochondriac or something, but I'm fighting to be well, not sick, and have actually made a lot of progress getting OFF of various medications and resolving some long-standing problems. Blood pressure meds, gone, I don't need them, my BP is now just about perfect. No more drugs for type II diabetes, weight loss took care of that. No cholesterol problems now, my blood lipids are great. That is progress. The other stuff, which is causing me problems -- I just have to keep fighting it, keep working on it, and hope for the best. One more pending surgery should help, I hope to get that done in August, I'll see what he says tomorrow.

I may be messed up, all around, but I am really fighting to fix myself. I am no longer willing to live like I used to. Actually, living like I am now sucks, too ... the mental anguish part where I spend most of my time lost in inner torment while trying to keep a good poker face. I an trying to hook up with a trauma therapist ... maybe that will help.

So, I had a long talk with the head coach, about a whole lot of issues and thoughts. Including the big question, which is "why". He is a great guy. He has had a lot of struggles in life, and did what I am trying to do, turn himself around from a really bad place. So, he really understood what I am feeling. I made a decision ... yes, I am going to give it one more try. But in a different way. I am going to drop almost everything else, and start working with him exclusively on a one-on-one basis. But slowly, kind of phasing out other things for the rest of this year, and working with him on a step-up basis, starting slow and increasing both frequency and intensity. And, since I don't want to regress in other areas, he is going to itegrate strength training and flexiblity/balance exercise into the overall program. So, it will be some weights, some stretching, a whole lot of cardio.

And finally, we have an understanding that I can "pull the plug" at any time if it doesn't work out. If I can't physically or mentally handle it. They say corporatocracy can be heartless, but I have to say, I am impressed with the way this particular company is willing to work with clients, a lot of flexibility and a lot of service on the part of all of their trainers.

[jenna25brown]

Hi. I read your entire post and I'm a little confused. Seems to me that you were enjoying working out and everything until you started doing the tri thing. Triathlon is a serious race and I think you should first start with something small and work your way up.

If you decide to jump into triathlon and you're not properly trained, you don't have the condition for it...you will for sure fail and that might break you even more. Firstly you will toss aside all other activities for the sake of triathlon which will be hard, and after that the failure of the tri race will crash you. I suggest that you prepare yourself well and then think about whether you should go to the race or not. Small steps

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Hi. Your concerns for me are noted and much appreciated. It's funny, in a sad, ironic way - total strangers on the internet care more about my existence than members of my own family. But that is material for a different thread elsewhere. I'll just say I'm grateful for your support and kindness.

Well, a couple of things. Medically, I can't get much more "supervised". Saw my pcp about 4 weeks ago, see her again in Sept. Saw the pulmonologist last week. Saw the psychiatrist last week. I see the cardiologist tomorrow. I see the integrative medicine doctor, who I went to for sports medicine/nutritional support, in a few weeks. Oh, and the chiropractor, I see him every few weeks on a professional basis, and he also gives me the occasional swimming lesson (he coaches and competes). So, yeah, I see a lot of doctors - I know that kind of sounds bad on paper, like I'm a hypochondriac or something, but I'm fighting to be well, not sick, and have actually made a lot of progress getting OFF of various medications and resolving some long-standing problems. Blood pressure meds, gone, I don't need them, my BP is now just about perfect. No more drugs for type II diabetes, weight loss took care of that. No cholesterol problems now, my blood lipids are great. That is progress. The other stuff, which is causing me problems -- I just have to keep fighting it, keep working on it, and hope for the best. One more pending surgery should help, I hope to get that done in August, I'll see what he says tomorrow.

I may be messed up, all around, but I am really fighting to fix myself. I am no longer willing to live like I used to. Actually, living like I am now sucks, too ... the mental anguish part where I spend most of my time lost in inner torment while trying to keep a good poker face. I an trying to hook up with a trauma therapist ... maybe that will help.

So, I had a long talk with the head coach, about a whole lot of issues and thoughts. Including the big question, which is "why". He is a great guy. He has had a lot of struggles in life, and did what I am trying to do, turn himself around from a really bad place. So, he really understood what I am feeling. I made a decision ... yes, I am going to give it one more try. But in a different way. I am going to drop almost everything else, and start working with him exclusively on a one-on-one basis. But slowly, kind of phasing out other things for the rest of this year, and working with him on a step-up basis, starting slow and increasing both frequency and intensity. And, since I don't want to regress in other areas, he is going to itegrate strength training and flexiblity/balance exercise into the overall program. So, it will be some weights, some stretching, a whole lot of cardio.

And finally, we have an understanding that I can "pull the plug" at any time if it doesn't work out. If I can't physically or mentally handle it. They say corporatocracy can be heartless, but I have to say, I am impressed with the way this particular company is willing to work with clients, a lot of flexibility and a lot of service on the part of all of their trainers.

[Perna]

MotownJohnny, I was thinking as I read about your various doctor appointments about special classes and even gyms for those with disabilities or health problems and that got me thinking in the line of my community college and its various physical education classes it offers formally and to the community. Have you thought of maybe studying to be a trainer or phys ed teacher or something like that? You would be taking all those types of classes you seem to enjoy, have both instructors and personal goals and, in the end, would have a benchmark (degree/classification) to be working toward. It might be fun to "compete" against yourself in that way?

[MotownJohnny]

Actually, yes, I would love to do that. My time would be better spent getting an advanced degree in my current field, but that would be much more fun.

When I get myself straightened out a little more.

[MotownJohnny]

Jenna - I know it sounds illogical. I guess it is all about facing up to a real challenge in a way I haven't, without falling apart. Just something I have got to do to prove to myself I am not what he said I was my entire formative years. My Holy Grail I guess.

God save me.