Am I just seeing things

I have been married for 2 months. Just after we got married my wife decided she wanted a certain person in her life as a friend. Also to sort old things out as they used to be together 2 years before i met her. I haven't liked their friendship. I said I didn't want her to be friends with her. One time we argued and she said she chooses the friend over me. She also promised a few times she would cut the friend out and that she needed one day to see her. But after seeing her she would come back and say she don't see the need to cut her out of her life because she wants to be friends with her because she is a very caring person. One time they had inappropriate chats and I said this is wrong I was furious and she only then realised that what they did was wrong. This friend also takes her out or they go have fun until the morning hours. One night this friend wanted to come pick her up in the middle of the night because they needed to talk things though about an argument. I feel this friend doesn't respect our marriage because she thinks she can just do whatever and not be bothered. What makes it worse is that my wife doesn't see anything wrong. They chat every day and every night till late. My wife gives the phone for me to read the messages but you can't tell if some messages have been deleted from the chat. I have told her I want to move so we can be far from this friend. But I don't see the point when she actually doesn't see anything wrong with this friend coming into our lives all the constant like a pest. Once also she spoke on the phone with her. And then she wanted to come around just to say hello. This friend does have feelings for her but she "Respects" my marriage. My wife says she loves me so much. But when I have a problem with her going out and chatting all the time then she says I am keeping her in a cage. This friend also doesn't see anything wrong with what they doing. My wife also spoke to a friend of hers about this and this friend said she should be friends with her. I don't see how you can take advice from people who has never been married. And I feel this friend is just a good person for the wrong reasons. That she constantly talks to her and wants to see her isn't normal for a friend.

At one point in me and my fiances relationship, before we were engaged, I had friendships that were similar to what you describe. To be honest, my intentions were not that good. Nothing happened, but I'd fantasize about it, and I wanted them around to experience the excitement they brought. I'd go out with them and actually do stuff. Me and My fiance don't do stuff like go to bars, or spend time with groups. With those past friends, I did. Hanging out with them in environments that were not great (like bars) late into the night, and talking to them constantly filled the void of my otherwise boring life.

It's obvious that she is enjoying the attention and such from this friend. Who wants to give that up, really? But you question the friends intentions. The thing is, is I don't know exactly what your concern is. Are you concerned this relationship is potentially romantic or sexual, or becoming that way? Are you just concerned that this person is becoming stalker-ish in your point of view? What type of inappropriate conversations where they? There are a lot of ways that they could be inappropriate.. particularly if they were romantic conversations, but that isn't specified, so it's hard to pin point what would be a justifiable route for you to take.

The thing is your wife is enjoying the attention and companionship. If those conversations are solid evidence of misconduct against your marriage, you would have reasonable cause for wanting them to significantly tone down and/or end their friendship. And you should take that route. If not, there is no way you can really tell her to stop if she already said she wont. Not without making her feel like you are abusing your rights as her partner and trying to control her. You will likely have to wait awhile to see what ends up happening. It is possible something more will happen that will re-affirm that they need to tone down/end what they are doing.

Hi Open soul. I think compromise may be key here. And some toleance and understanding on both sides as well. First, she is your wife, so you dont jave to trust her friend's intentions but you should trust your wife's if she says nothing romanticis going on and other than the close nature of their relationship you have no proof. I doesnt sound like she is sneaking around or hiding anything from you at all. I have had to give up some good trusted friends cuz my husband was very uncomfortable w the fact that some of them were exs, and that i am not really goid with group stuff so i tend to hang out with my friends indiviually which he found inappropriate both because they had been exs and the nature of my friends in general (and this is going all the way back to teen yrs when i did better in groups and most of these exs i had known most my life, also i am soeaking earlier on in my hubbie and is relationship so 5-10 yrs ago) My friends are all nighter sometimes to 3day kinda people. So he had issue like you with me going out with my friends and honestly just planning on hanging out for a few..but ending up disappearing abd showing back home the next day or whatever. To me this was natural and there was never anything more than friendship going on, but from his,syand point unacceptable behavior. We had very simular arguements infact diwn to the wording as you and your wife... We are older and different people now and we both now can see where we both were wrong and right. Wish we could have been able to compromise back then..so i hope that you and your wife can work out a matire comprimise save you both alot of resentment anger and snowballing trust issues. IMHO... it seems like this person is besides you prob your wifes closest bff. Everyone needs a best friend and while married your SO is your best friend still you need an outside bestie to be able to vent healthly about your marriage to and just talk about stuff that is not married stuff. So its really not right to ask your wife to cut that friendship out. What your wife needs to understand is that when you get married it is not like getting an awesome roomate w benifits, it is now your primary relationship, friends come second. Not that they are less important but they are external from your bond and you need to feel that she puts as much effort and time if not more into ur marriage as she dies her friendships. So she does need to accept some boundaries. Acceptable boundaries are that unless there is some serious bff emergency showing up, calling, and going out at the drop ofa hat in the middle of the night not ok. There needs to be a bit more distance and planning. SO time and friend time need to not constantly overlap. If you and her are doing your thing she should not be pushing you aside to have long chats with her bff, except on occasion. If the two of you are having a night together and actively doing something together then call should be ignored and returned later or quick text or whats up and then inform her friend that she is not available tonight sheis spending time with you. You in turn need to allow her to talk to her friend and have time to spebd with her when you are either both just doing your own thing and if she makes plans to go out with her friend 1night a week you cant really demand a curfew. She is,an adult and as long as there is not something pressing that she needs to be rresonsible about the next morning... and its not like multiple times a week but once a week to once a month if she wants to go tear it up with her friend til dawn, you gotta decide to trust her and you are not her warden or her father, so treating her free time as something that you have,a right to manage is conveying that you dont trust her or her judgement and really that you dont view her as an equal adult. Nonody is gonna respond well to that. But if she is showing up at 4am falling over when the two of you have early plans or responsibilities the next day...then that is inaappropriat and disrespectful to you and shows,a general lack of self control which is a whole different matter. But wait til she is sober and in a good space to tell her that is not ok with you cuz arguing with someone who has been out all night is always pointless. Approach her gently and kindly and tell her you have some stuff you want to talk. Validate her and her friendship, then tell her calmly and nonjudgementally your absoult dealbreakers, not minor worries or issues just the biggies..explain how you feel and that it not blame or an accusation then say that you want to figure out a way to end the conflict but need something to change a little bit. Then ask her for suggestions of what she needs and feels is fair and what she is willing to give. If you approach the conversation from a place of love and desire to make your marriage better, and still her have room and time for her friendships...hopefully, with a little bit of give and take from both of you...the conflict may become more tolerable. Sorry this is so long and overly worded. My mind is not at its best lately. But i hope that some of it helps wish you all the best.

Thank you guys for the response. I find it good to know see other peoples views as I am a loner in this and only have my opinion because I am not allowed to speak to anyone according to my wife I am not allowed to speak to others but I find this forum comforting. I just want to say that I am having trouble dealing with this because this is not who I am or was rather. See my wife treated me way worse than this. she controlled who I can have in my life. I had to cut people out of my life who were just my friends whom I never had any feelings for and I fought with her for over a year because I could not understand why I hsd to cut them out. Just when we got married when I came to terms with what she wanted she changed just like that and now she feels she can do what she wants and apparantly so can I yet she keeps on questioning me when I in fact am not even contacting people and going out. Anyway because of what she wanted folrom me back then has made me to be how I am right now, insecure, scared, anxious all the time. And quite frankly mostly because of this friend. She does not even hang or chat with any other friends. The other evening I said her friend should come in and we all hung out but her friend left home early. Which is quite odd because they usually stay up till very late when they are hanging together. I mean she chats to the friend everyday, the friend phones her when I am not home and also wants to visit all the time when I am not home. My wife and I used to be together when we visit friends but now its not like that anymore. I respect your guys opinions and experiences as it means a lot to me and my one sided perspective. I will try and give her space but I am just not used to this and I told her she can't just throw this on me and expect me to go along with it knowing what she did ti me was way worse. I have become less attached and not care so much as I think it helps me get detached because I am too attached. I am hoping for better things to come. Thank you guys hope you are having a fantastic day.

Hello open soul,

Just my opinion and experience but you both need to have your own friends and to be able to trust each other. When one or other starts trying to control the other like that then that really is a bad sign and one which can turn into abuse or an ending to a marriage. Let her have her personal time with no controlling whatsoever, if she strays then this is not a good marriage. You also need to have your own personal time doing what you want to without her interfering. Trust and communication are absolute key to a good marriage.

Hi pegasus,

I do understand that. I do however struggle to understand whether or not it is right to spend more time with a friend than with me and we live together. Living together does not mean spending time. Like for example this past weekend she spent with this specific friend and didn't pay me any attention. I don't mind her having friends at all but it is suspicious because there is another friend she has said she missed and I told her to contact him. So she did and they were happy to have made contact. But after that she never tried to ever make conversation with him again. Yesterday he phoned her but she was sleeping and she never even bothered to call back or message him to ask whats up or anything. So I am struggling to understand how she complained for so long she missed him yet does not make effort to see him after so long or even send a message but she is up at night to message this friend she has spent the weekend with. I do believe seeing is believing and my wife says all these wonderful things about how much she loves me and wants to have children but in the mean time she does not invest time into this relationship. Even though she was not home the weekend and basically never spent time with me I was so tired because I stayed up because I was expecting her home and she came the morning hours late. Even though I barely slept I cleaned and I cooked for her. While she was with the friend when I said I can't deal with the pain any longer she told me she will make it up to me yet no efforts from her whatsoever. I am not quite sure if she feels she owes this friend her time so much because this friend buys her things like when going out the friend pays for it. I can't afford to do things for my wife or take her out at the moment because things has been tough and it kills me because now she allows this friend to do all that for her and what can I do for her? Nothing. And I will say this again our relationship only became like this like 3 months ago when we got married and she wanted this ex of hers as a friend. As she says the only ex that ever meant something to her. I am starting to not care what she does because I feel I have vented enough about how hurt I am when she does not invest any of her time in me. I will slowly but surely not want to be with her because one can only go through this for so long. It literally feels like I am not in a relationship anymore, like I'm just there to provide her a place to live and food. I have been through so much with her already, I could have left her so long already but I did not give up on her. But I draw the line of fighting for her when someone else is involved because I can do nothing about that. And I have said that she can have her friendship but the frequency of it really bothers me out of my mind.

Also can I just say in our relationship I have stressed so many times we need friends in our lives. This was when she wanted to be with me all the time, never wanted me to have friends. We fought so much over this topic. And now when I have started to accept the fact that she wanted to be with me all the time, for 2 years we fought over this, just when I accepted it and got used to it she turns around and all of a sudden its all about "friends". To me it is evident that it's all about this friend that is her ex because I don't see her hanging with any other friends beside her. Now to her it's like I must just accept it. It took me two years to get used to it, how can I just accept it? She never bothered to transition me into this new phase of hers, instead just through me in the deep end. In my opinion you can't mess with someone's mind and heart like that.