[martinerous]

I have recently read the book "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge and got excited by the idea that maybe, just maybe it might help me to solve my issues so I could finally achieve what I want most.

Unfortunately I live in a small Eastern Europe country and there are not so many good psychotherapists, and I doubt that there are any which are applying neuroplasticity approach and can suggest specific exercises to rewire the brain. I guess, my chance of being selected for a scientific research (similar to the patients described in the book) are close to 0.

I have already told my story here some time ago and received some feedback with links to some useful books. I have already tried some psychotherapy, I have read books about neurosis etc. It helped to get some insights but still I have no idea how to actually fix things. The brain needs some specific exercising to develop new paths and to let go of the old ones. I haven't yet found a book or a person who could suggest something specific to try doing.

I'll try to explain my problem as concisely as I can, but I might fail to make it short, so excuse me.

I’m 36 old man and I haven’t had sex yet. I feel some sexual arousal when thinking about intelligence, authority and - what’s weird - when watching movies about body exchange and aliens invading human body, but my sexual drive completely vanishes when I’m actually together with some person.

This weird sexual drive seems to originate from my inner conflict caused by emotionally complicated childhood - emotionally distant, but caring and authoritative mother and weak father with strong tendency to alcoholism, and also my own health issues added to my suffering.

As the result, I developed torn feeling inside. I don’t feel myself as a strong and mature man. This situation is also strengthened by my health issues which caused me to be somewhat physically undeveloped, so in my 36 I look like a 17 year old teenager.

So, all of this makes my inner child really pronounced, and this child is looking for protection. My inner child thinks that older man, intelligent, somewhat authoritative, strong (less physically but more emotionally strong), and caring, could protect me. Think about wise, energetic professor with a beard or Gandalf from "Lord Of the Rings" (BTW, amusing fact - I recently found out that Ian Murray McKellen who played Gandalf, is actually homosexual...). But for unknown reason, this seeking for protection at one point turns into a sexual drive. It's a negative kind of sexual drive because in my fantasies and dreams I feel jealous and wanting to become this man instead of loving him. In my dreams I'm hunting for these kind of men to have a short moment of sexual excitement but then immediately trying to fuse inside them and become them, only to discover that nothing has changed and I still feel like the same lost child instead of becoming that man. This hunting makes me feel like a vampire invading other people, so I feel ashamed. I highly doubt that such kind of sexual drive would help me to establish successful long lasting and calm relations which I really want.

If I’m asked whether I’d like to live with a woman or a man, I’d say - I definitely would like to have a family with a woman and children because I have that strong drive to become intelligent, strong, caring husband and father and to love a nice, maybe somewhat shy girl, to give her shelter, protection.

I always have been able to find a common language with calm and intelligent woman who are interested in philosophy, psychology and technologies. Although I can be romantic, unfortunately I have no sexual reaction to women. Actually, I have met two girls who showed some interest and tried to flirt with me, and one even kissed me. My heart was broken because I felt no sexual reaction. I had to withdraw and start avoiding them because I couldn't tell the truth. You don't say on your first date: "Hey, I like you and I would be ready to fall in love and marry you but I don't feel any sexual attraction." But to pretend that it's ok and try to go on would be wrong - I don't want to break someone else's heart.

I have seen a few real men thinking of whom made me close to erection, but they were the kind of men which I couldn't actually live together - they were not gay, we were two different and also my sexual drive was about consuming not loving.

That weak, childish gay who’s looking for a strong man to be protected (and also to have sex), is messing everything up and I don't know how to fix it.

I could live with being straight or bisexual or homosexual or even asexual, but being torn into two personalities is exhausting. I'd really like to change that, if it's possible at all at my age. The book I mentioned suggests that it is possible with correctly planned exercising to induce desired associations and to break the undesired ones. But where should I seek help to create such a plan fine-tuned for me?

[martinerous]

On the other hand, considering that in my 36 years I haven't yet found any man who would fit my desires (every intelligent and emotionally romantic older man who makes me want to be close to him turns out to want sex, straight or homo) and that I live in a post-USSR country where there is very little information about sexual issues available to wider public and the level of intolerance to homosexuals (and I would be treated as such if I would want to go out) is very high, I'm thinking about my other options.

I might have greater chance to find an asexual romantic girl who would be intelligent and interesting enough to live together. Although girls do not induce any sexual reaction for me, I find that I can communicate with them well, I like how caring and loving they can be and I like being caring and loving towards them. And I like how they look, especially those who have simple taste and naturally pretty looking, but I'm not into supermodels or the ones who use lots of makeup and lipstick.

One of the two girls I mentioned earlier was with me since my childhood and I knew she had a crush on me, and I also felt similar about her. I wanted to be with her always and forever, we played husband and wife roleplaying games... and then I discovered that I have no sexual desire for her. I had to withdraw and it was emotionally hard. I didn't want to break her heart. You could say, I loved her so deeply that I could sacrifice my being with her for the idea that she might find someone who could give her sexual love, which she deserved. Now sometimes I still dream of her, I'm with her crying that I love her and I'm so sorry that I can't give her any bit of physical love...

Maybe my subconscious might turn off that "broken" homo desire if I find a girl who is able to make me feel more manly and protective, and to boost my self esteem, so maybe one day I'll discover that I've actually become like those men of my fantasies and I don't have the desire to hunt and consume them anymore. I don't even feel that I want any sex with those homo dream men; thinking of sticking my little friend in someone's mouth or "that other place" turns me off. I have watched gay porn and only one of maybe 50 videos made me aroused but this was only while they were hugging and showing some romantic love. When they started doing THAT, I felt disgusted, it seemed too violent and wrong. And I have never EVER felt any sexual attraction to any other kinds of men, except that kind which look like elderly professors - intelligent, authoritative and caring for their students.

From my side I know that I can be faithful, I don't break promises and I can go for sacrifices (as with the girl from my childhood) if I feel that it's for greater good. I have some problems in my life, but I have a job and I can take care about myself and my partner. If I find a partner who has gone through suffering similar to mine but who has preserved a bit of positive irony then maybe we might both help each other to get through this life. The only thing I'm afraid of is that it might turn the other way - we might both start getting on each other's nerves with our problems and thus drag us both deeper into depression. I don't want that. So, I'm not sure.

What do you, people, think? Do I have any slight chance for successful romantic relations with an asexual girl or is it just wishful thinking?

[martinerous]

Oh, one more thing I found. I know that in general "treating" homosexuality is controversial topic. But also I found that there are lots of cases when something can be changed, and the typical case is as follows: "[..]therapists who counsel male clients with unwanted same-sex attraction say the underlying factors are nearly identical: an overbearing mother and a father who was distant or critical. [..] The therapists said their experience has shown them that a male client who engages in homosexual acts is subconsciously trying to compensate for a lack of confidence in his own masculinity."

And this seems to be EXACTLY my case, the reason why I'm "consuming" those poor men in my dreams and feel like a vampire who can never "eat" enough to feel himself as a real strong man....

To me neuroplasty means changing your brain. There are positives, but why would you force yourself to be attracted to someone?

I think what might be happening is that you are searching for something you don't have and forcing yourself to find it in any place you can think of. It is natural by the way to question one's identity on occasion.

If it turns out you do find your identity expressend with men, why force yoursefl to be something else?

[martinerous]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

If it turns out you do find your identity expressend with men, why force yoursefl to be something else?

It makes sense, but in my case I'm afraid that such relationships might end up the same way as my dreams - very soon I won't get satisfied with the partner I have and I will search for the next "victim". Also I have strong tendency to being a dependent personality in which case being with someone like my dream men would mean getting deeper into being dependent and less mature. Like it or not, someday I won't have my parents nearby and I'll have to deal with my life myself instead of putting the weight on someone else's shoulders.

[Shoe]

I have read much of the same about the parent's role in sexual confusion of a child.
Neuroplasticity works mainly by making an intention to focus one's attention on some desired act or outcome for prolong periods of time. Neurons that fire together wire together.
One example is some scientist ( I think his name was Davidson) got a group of people together and then did MRIs on their brains for a baseline. Then they were taught loving kindness meditation which they practiced for several weeks. New brain scans showed how they were wiring new neuro-circuits in areas of the brain associated with loving kindness.

Originally Posted by martinerous

Oh, one more thing I found. I know that in general "treating" homosexuality is controversial topic. But also I found that there are lots of cases when something can be changed, and the typical case is as follows: "[..]therapists who counsel male clients with unwanted same-sex attraction say the underlying factors are nearly identical: an overbearing mother and a father who was distant or critical. [..] The therapists said their experience has shown them that a male client who engages in homosexual acts is subconsciously trying to compensate for a lack of confidence in his own masculinity."

And this seems to be EXACTLY my case, the reason why I'm "consuming" those poor men in my dreams and feel like a vampire who can never "eat" enough to feel himself as a real strong man....

[martinerous]

Originally Posted by Shoe

I have read much of the same about the parent's role in sexual confusion of a child.
Neuroplasticity works mainly by making an intention to focus one's attention on some desired act or outcome for prolong periods of time. Neurons that fire together wire together.

Yes, that's exactly what I hope for - being with a woman who will see a man in me and encourage me to become stronger and more active might create new wiring and the old wiring might die off. If not - no big deal, bisexuality is OK too - I just want to be capable of living with a person with whom I can share common interests, support each other and have some romance.

Thinking about the other possibility - relationships with a much older man - makes me worried. Even if I somehow managed to find such a person (which I highly doubt), I just can't imagine how it might work out. We would come from different generations, I'm a modern IT nerd, I like technical gadgets, poprock, modern philosophy, psychology, but he, most probably, might be more into politics, economics, history, country music or opera (typical for most men at that age). I'm not sure that sexual attraction alone would be enough and if he would agree to play the role of my "sexual daddy" forever.

After reading that book about neuroplasticity I have a theory. Maybe that's nothing, but I'd be eager to find some evidence to prove if I'm right or not.

In the book they described a person who has lost his arm and he was feeling continuous itch in his phantom arm, and he couldn't do anything to stop the itch. But the doctor found out that his neurons for the lost arm have been wired together with his face neurons! And then this man finally was able to get rid of the itch when scratching a specific point on his face.

So, where does this leads us? I'm sure you might have already guessed, but here it is - for some reason the neurons which are responsible for my childhood craving for fatherly protection have merged with the sexual zone, and so now they fire together. And, judging from psychotherapy studies, this is common for homosexual males, and so we can think that the default brain wiring responsible for emotional relations with a father is close to the sexual wiring, therefore there is a high risk for them to merge.

Of course, I have no any evidence to support this idea. It would be great to do an EEG study on heterosexual and homosexual males to compare which neurons are triggered when they think about fathers (both real and imagined, idealized figures) and about their sexual attractions. I really hope that someone with enough resources might notice this idea and do the actual study. I'm not an expert, but this doesn't sound too complicated to me, maybe even a novice Ph.D. could do it. If only the "homosexual treatment" wouldn't be somewhat tabu topic lately...

Anyway, in my case I'm 99% sure, my current sexuality has been caused by unhealthy childhood relationships with parents, combined with low self esteem, which in turn was caused by my congenital health issues, being bullied at school etc. I can't say it for all homosexuals out there, but I think it is obvious that I can't call my current situation normal and "as intended by nature", therefore the term "treatment" might sound reasonable in my case.