Help

So I want to run back to my ex whom I was only with for 5 months. My friends and family don't like him cause I changed a LOT for him and bend over backwards for him. I gave up my male friends and isolated myself from female ones cause he didn't like something about them. So to make him happy I distanced myself. He kept all his friends including his friend with benefits. But those are his friends and I was not to get chummy with them as he yelled that to me on one of our last fights. I changed my phone to an iPhone so he could know where I was cause he worried about me. I also changed numbers so No male friends could contact me. I changed my last name cause he didn't like I still had my exes name. He was slowly controlling my moves.... But I didn't mind for some reason. I started cutting when we would fights. He called me stupid for it and cut himself telling me if I did it he would too. To me he cares for me. My family friends and psychologist and psychiatrist say I was in an abusive relationship, manipulative. Yet... I miss him and want to run back to him. But I know if I see him and get rejected by him or put down again I probably would do something drastic. See... I slept with a friend 2 days after we broke up... He called me a who're and a horrible person and how do I look at myself in the mirror and how could I breath. He really got to me because he is right... I can't believe I did that and everything I wasn't I know became that.
Why do I want him back? Why do I want to run back into his arms? I love him still

You want to go back to him because you think you still love him and sometimes we want to go back to what we know and think we deserve. Being with someone that manipulative is definitely not healthy for your mental health. You are not a bad person and the fact he called you a cuss word is a big indication of his own character. Listen to your friends, family and mental health team. Stay strong and start to rebuild your self esteem. If you feel you want to go back to him, remind yourself of the damage he has done to you. You deserve better!

That's the thing Pegasus, my self-esteem is so low right now. He said all those things bit they are true... how could I do such a thing. He was so good to me, when things were good between us they were great. I am never going to find anyone like him again. So attentive so protective of me, I did feel safe. I can only see the damage now where I have never felt so depressed and down and to the point that it would be easier to not feel. I want the pain to go away. They put me on klonopin and effexor. It was that or hospital. It was staying with my sister and not alone or hospital. He has me to that point. My head is spinning.

Love will make you do stupid things

I feel I don't want anybody else but him. Knowing what I know I should probably run away from the blade... instead I am literally ready to run into it. I'm getting to that point. I feel I can no longer function in this world without him.

How long has it been since the breakup ?

You deserve better and you will move forward to better relationships.

((((( hugs ))))

Initial breakup was exactly 2 weeks ago today. I'm in my car right now crying and cutting cause I can't deal with it. I wanted to go see him but my family is watching me like a hawk so I had to come back or else they will take me to the hospital. I feel like my world is falling apart I never felt like this before not even after my ex of 6 yrs. I am so miserable right now... I hate to say it but bad thoughts creep into my head.

Please stop cutting , 2 weeks is not long enough to get over it, he's a horrible human being , you deserve much much better

Give yourself some time to get over it, and please don't go back to him. You say he was good to you, but, separating someone from friends or family is not good. That is manipulative and controlling. Please listen to your family and therapist. You deserve better.

Thanks Christina and reb569. But I did go to him last night and I almost did fall back in with him. He called me all sorts of name said I wasn't in love with him to sleep with someone (which maybe he's right). He was going to forgive me and he wanted me back but I had to do everything his way so he would control everything... his words. I was suppose to just say r****** whatever you say and not hesitate. According to him also To tell my 2 sister's FU I choose r******. But I did hesitate at this and he said I made the choice clear that I didn't want him cause I should have just said I choose you r******.
It is painful. But I know I have get up and work on myself now... He destroyed my ego quite a bit.

Oh, babes! I hear your pain and I can relate to this situation. I was also involved in abusive relationships. They can destroy your ego along the way, I hear you loud and clear.

You have the capability to heal and repair your ego. It takes a lot of time and patience, but it is doable, even if it seems like there is no way to get there now today.

Healing our self-esteem is the most important goal we can set for ourselves. I have been working on healing mine for years now and slowly, as my self-esteem has gotten stronger, my life is coming together. Maybe, if you feel ready to, you can talk to your therapist about how to do that. It is your choice when and what to work on, babes. You set the course and the pace.

I have an appt on Monday with my psychologist. I will tell her what happened. She called me yesterday night cause I'm not suppose to be alone and I escaped my sister's house to see him. So she called my psych. I want to heal and feel better, I definitely want that drive and confidence I use to have before him.

Good for you, babes!! You GO, girl!!!

Please don't walk...run from this toxic person. I know you still care about him but he's just really bad news and I think deep down you know it. Please work with your psychologist in processing the pain that is leading to the cutting. You deserve so much better.

Block him, ignore him or whatever you have to do to cut this guy off. I know you are grieving a loss and it's hard and painful but do you really want a guy with so many red flags who the majority of your support system gives a thumbs down to?

I hope you work through this and find somebody worthy of your time and affection. Sending big hugs.

So will lust.

Thank you Jennifer 1967. After this last visit with him I knew it couldn't be. He said it himself, if we were to make it work it would be his way. That he would control everything. I already wasn't talking with friends, and my family would have not wanted to hear from me for choosing him. And he already told his friends were HIS friends, so I would have been at his mercy. I know he would have made me get a job closer to home so he can probably drop me off and pick me up. He hated that I worked in the city. Accusing me of having boyfriend in the city cause he didn't know what I was doing. Plus he told me that all the names that he was calling me I deserved for what I did, and asked me if I thought it was fair cause I deserved worse.... And I was believing him and agreeing with him. He always threw things in my face before, he would have really dragged me through the dirt this time. In 5 months he destroyed my heart, my mind and my soul. I use so be so confident and proud of my accomplishments. Now I feel ashamed, dirty and such a loser. He just kept putting me down and used all my weakness and insecurities against me. And it worked. I need to find myself again and is been hard . I even left my beautiful huge apt in a beautiful village which had a front porch and a back deck, gorgeous. I am living in a room with my sister until I can get a grip of my sanity. He really messed me up and I don't know how to get back.

I really loved him. All I wanted was a man that treated me well and could protect me. I didn't realize his protection was more of control. He did all the right gentlemen things I wanted and more. He bought me too and every time I tried to give him money he said no is ok I want to do this cause I don't want anybody else. Yet he would constantly throw in my face how much he spent on me. I tried to to please him in every way possible to show him that I would do anything for him... it was never enough. And he always found something to make me feel bad about. Love had me blinded to the other way he was treating me, I thought if he was jealous and controlling was cause he cared... it was about his ego and always being in control.

I to have been in a relationship we got back together several times. But in the end I was not mature enough. We truly loved each other. I am lost now now and I go like a lost person wanting a relationship. Masturbation, sex, drugs and porn. I am not that way at all when Im sober but I have some thing wrong with me

I am a super independent woman. I need an independent man.

Do you feel independent or co-dependent?

Real love comes with few conditions, and most of those conditions are unspoken and mutually agreeable.
Isolating your lover is unhealthy for everyone involved, that said, doesn’t mean his and your love wasn’t true but his idea of a healthy relationship does not match with yours.
Sorry that your love did not work out, not easy to walk away from that.
But there is enough love to be had out there to fill 100 lifetimes, you’ll find something even better one day so long as you first love yourself.